The New Year

I am not going to do anything fancy. Just wish everyone a prosperous New Year. And leave a list of things I want to do different in 2007.

1. I want to manager my money better.
2. I want to read more and watch less TV( yes I had this one last year).
3. I want to get more exercise. This requires watching less TV.
4. I want to get down to working only ONE job.
5. I want to keep in better touch with my friends.
6. I want to keep my house clean.

I did it !!!

I have upgraded to the new blogger. Go me!!! I also got a digital camera for Christmas there is this picture of the Libbster I took Christmas morning lets see if I can post it. It worked it worked. Now lets see if she reads my blog and kills me?!?!?!

HO! HO! HO!

Well Christmas is like 5 days away. Now by the time blogger gets this posted it could be Jan. for all I know. I was given tickets to the Brooks and Dunn Show New Years Eve at the GEC. Why am I getting all these tickets to country shows and I missed all the cool shows this summer like Aero Smith , Def Lepard etc. I haven't got a clue. I still have no one to go with me so I might just give them back. Mother won them in a Drawing. They can redraw. Besides it is New Years Eve and the show is downtown. Nashville is plum stupid and at 11:00PM all the lights in down town go on flash so getting out of the area is a nightmare. When half of Nashville is leaving just after midnight.

A letter to Santa

Dear Santa,


I have been a pretty good girl this year. But no child is perfect right? I’ll do better next year I swear. But there are a few things I want:

I want a new President. The one I have now sucks. He has hurt a lot of people and murdered thousands.

I want a digital Camera.

I want no one else to die as we “forge ahead” let The President and his elves go over there with guns and play if they want to “ forge ahead” so badly.

I want Health Insurance I can’t afford it and eat too. Somehow everyone ever elected to a public office has free health insurance for life and here I sit with out it. I thought their job was to protect me?

I want a higher minum wage. $5.15 an hour is not a living wage but the boneheads in The Senate and Congress somehow get a raise every year. Minum wage has not been raised in Ten years. Can you fix this?

I want EQUAL RIGHTS for all humans. I thought I lived in America in 2006. How can hate laws pass in this day and age?

I want to meet Oprah she is pretty rockin.

I want the Tennessee Department of Human Services fixed why will we take dogs out of a home because it is to nasty for them but leave a disabled child?

I want to vote for once and not have to pick the less slimy of two candidates.

I want all the soldiers that are returning from “war” to not suffer the rest of their lives with nightmares about what they saw and did.

I want to be more peaceful.

And while you’re at it….

I want a husband too. A good one, not a used one. He must be kind, honest, generous, funny, employed, have a strong mind, be respectful, and have good manners.
He must be able to hold me when I cry and cuddle when we watch TV. He should be an awesome lover and he should not mind PDA’s such as holding hands, putting his arm around me, or sweet kisses.
He should understand the importance of being honest about his feelings and sharing them with me for this will be how we will grow.
He needs to remember the small things without me having to tell him. Like how I take my tea and how I order my coffee form Starbucks. And that flowers just because are the best. The big things to Like our Anniversary, my birthday and why ‘I’ll be home for Christmas’ makes me ball like a baby.
He needs to understand why walking in a gentle rain in the summer is where flash backs of childhood come from and new memories are made. He should be able to pick up after himself. Cook a meal and clean up. And it would be a plus if he could fix my computer I am gonna mess it up. Love , Fern

"F" WORD

Bush’s new “F” word phrase “forge ahead” is not the “F” word I had in mind.


Hear are a few better ones

Fatal
FUBAR
Fruitless
Flounder
Flub
Fizzle
Ferocious
Folly
Foredoom
Forbidding
Foolish
Fumble, Funeral. Got any more?

The Road to Happiness.........

President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56+ million people very happy."

How I would have done it

Though I am not going to bring up names of what the Title is about I am sure you all have seen the news and know the slimy Son of Bitch I am talking about. He does not desirve the attention he is getting. But it has made me think. I would have finished college when I had the chance. I have always used protection. I would not been so up tight. I would see where my fault lies in it. I would enjoy time with friends and not pull myself away and hide within myself. How would you have done it? Edited to add: Now we don't have to worry about how he would have done it. HAHA evil S.O.B. But still if you have an "it" as long it is not Murder. How would you have done it?

Stay at the YMCA

I am not as anxious today as I was yesterday. I am somewhat at ease. I talked to my sister who just got back from New York City Monday where she had a fabulous time. They stayed at the Y where you can get a room in Manhattan with the bathroom down the hall and bunk beds for $98 a night. She was right at Central Park New York is one of those places I have always wanted go, I have also always wanted to go to Paris, France (Not Texas not Tennessee), Swiss Alps, Colorado. I would just love the chance to travel. But for now a trip to the Mountains will do me good. Paris is a while off.
Where would you like to travel to?

Just a little.....

So I am a little over anxious! Why? You may ask. Well I am crazy for starters! my friend Stephanie had promised me a get –a- way. Not that she was giving me one but one where we all got together. Then she decided to go and break the sacred United Single Women pledge by getting married and we had to put off our get- a-way.
I am so over anxious that I emailed her the other day asking about getting together this March maybe May. It is not like we don’t have time we have plenty. But she has not answered me back. I mean what in the world could a newly wed be doing that she can’t answer my email immediately? I am going nuts. I don’t care if it is a girl’s weekend or a Couples and Fern weekend. Don’t care. But right now I am opposed to children being allowed.
Just a long weekend of talking, laughing, cooking, eating, hiking, playing board and card games, having a few drinks and morning tea as you get to watch the fog roll across the valley or mountain tops. I know I am pushing it. I am trying not to. I just want to get to planning; you know figure out if it’s couples and Fern or just a big gal pals thing. Start inviting People figure out who all wants to come and where we want to go. How big a cabin will we need? What will do? What will we eat? Who is doing what? OK it is a vacation I crave. I want one!!!! I am trying to breath relax let it come. But I feel like a kid at Christmas. I want to send my letter to Santa and know what is under the tree. I have 4 -5 months lord I am only going to make it worse. Any tips out there? I thought of banging my head on my desk. (SIGH). I’ll be ok. I swear. No pressure it’s all in my head.

Facts about Jon

I have nothing to say other than the fact Jon is a boob. He claims that I need no help in doing BAD THINGS. I laugh HA. He is evil I tell you all. Listen to nothing the man in New Jersey has to say.

Beating Hate

I was under no illusions that Tennesseans would allow All Tennesseans to have equal rights. I kind of knew that they would vote to allow The Constitution of the State of Tennessee to be changed BUT I am some what dismayed that it passed by an unbelievable 81.3% that is 1,414,562 Tennesseans who voted for HATE . They voted to hold down other people in the name of God.
This is why I don’t go to church. I believe in a loving and accepting God. Not a vengeful punishing God.
I am ashamed to be a Tennessean and know have total conformation why I will not call myself a Christian. I want nothing to do with them much like I don’t want anything to do with Child Molesters or Murderers.
Vote No still has a movement going and I plan to be involved. I remember asking my parents several times about the Civil Rights Movement. “Why did you let it happen?” I asked. “Well Fran that is just the way things were.” They answered. I am ashamed of them for letting things stay the way they were because that is how things were. I don’t want to give that answer to my children. I find it unacceptable. I will not stand for intolerance in the land of the free. We have set ourselves back years. It is a long fight for Equal Rights. I will not look at the next generation and tell them I did not do anything to stop it.

The Blame Game

I suppose at this point I could bitch about a whole slew of things in the world today or just in my world I have not blamed my problems and woes on any one in a long time. I used to take the time to hand pick someone and I would let them know that everything that went wrong on this day would be their fault. “Jon, today what ever goes wrong is your fault.” This also means I have to give him praise for what goes right. Tomorrow I’ll blame Robert and then I will take Friday. Just kidding. OK not really when I was a supervisor I found it as a way to joke with the staff and get their attention. You blame them for the stuff that happened while they were not there. But my plan when I sat down here was to do a rant about The President, The Government and how completely moronic they are Jon , nor Robert deserve that kind of blame they are after all a great guys. I would have to name names of people on my shit list, the ones that you do that old Southern grin and nod thing too. This however poses a problem they have not ticked me off to the point that I am going to tell them to Kiss the Little Red Devil Tattooed on my Lilly white @$$. Or I still have to maintain a civil relationship with em.
I have been working on being more peaceful relax, release, rejuvenate. In fact I was so peaceful earlier this week that I actually dropped a “Hello” to the Freak. Talk about release!!! Rather a big step for me. OK when I said hello it was to find out why his Miami Hurricanes started a brawl. But I was polite doesn’t that count for something?

Well I was going to do some rant on North Korea and why if they are a threat to us are we closing NORAD. But I am spent.

The Lesson

The death of five girls and the shooting of 5 others in an Amish School house by a man who was clearly out of his ever loving mind has shaken the world. But, what I learned what I found in all this is strength. The Amish have not only said forgive Charles Carl Roberts IV they have shown it, To the WORLD. The same days as this man took the lives of their children this community went and sat and prayed with his wife, children, and parents. Now to top it off they went to his funeral. I don’t know if I could show that kind of faith, strength, courage, or forgiveness. Could you?
Though it is a place I would like to be in my life to give out that kind true forgiveness. I have a few lessons to learn a few people I have to forgive. I think the whole thing is a lesson to the world to forgive, to live a peaceful life.

Little Black Pant

OK so I just saw a commercial for GAP and they have Kathrin Hepburn dancing around in her little bohemian girl out fit , which in it self is a sin. But they then announce “it’s back the little black pant.” Well so is my fat ass. Even if my fat ass was not back I could not for the life of me get into the ‘little black pant’ they are for those waif thin girls with out hips which I have in abundance. Don’t get me wrong I love my hips. It’s those waif thin girls that I want to sit on and break in half.

A Woman , her sister , and a River

Every Labor Day weekend for the last three years my sister, Libby, has taken me with her to an annual event. A group of college friends get together and take a day long 9 mile float down the Caney Fork River. Friends invite friends and the group grows. It is one of my favorite events and I look forward to it all year long not just because it falls on/around my birthday but because I love the outdoors and it is time with one of my all time favorite people, Libby.
I find the trip a great time to bond with Libby and to soak in the nature. We sleep in a tent in the back yard right on the edge by the river. For 2 days everyone eats, drinks, laughs, and talks. The hosts make everyone that walks through the door feel like they are old friends and welcome. This year as always Libby borrows tents from work. She was running late and just grabbed two tents, because she had invited friends, when she got to my house and pulled them out of her car to load into mine there were duck tape notes on each bag. Polls Damaged. It was funny to take two tents and make one. It was the funniest looking tent. The guys Libby had invited took the tent flies and made a little shelter using the kids swing set we dubbed it ghetto tent. But over all for having put them together in the dark we came off pretty good.
I love the area. The farms, woods, river it is such a peaceful place. So if anyone wants to buy a house on the river and invite me over I’ll come over and hang out.

Good Fortune

Three months ago I went out for Chinese food with some friends. The date was May 23, 2006. We finished dinner and our fortune cookies came I opened my cookie and this was inside - “ Remember three months from this date! Your lucky star is shining.”- I took my fortune wrote the date on it and slide it into my wallet right in front of my driver license. Mainly so I would remember. So yesterday was it three months from the date I got my fortune in my cookie. I had been excited to see what would happen. Well, yesterday was it and it was such a wonderful day. I can’t say that anything out of the ordinary happened but, the day was all-bright and I felt that way inside and out. Like I had, had some kind of major awaking and was seeing things in a whole new light feeling things differently. Like I had cleansed myself of old baggage and moved on. Was free from ties that had held me down and I broke free. Now I am done with my fortune and I offer it to each of you today so three months from today I want a report about your fortune that will be Thanksgiving Weekend.
“ Remember three months from this date! Your lucky star is shining.”-

Lil Libby

Libby was in town this weekend for her 15 year high school reunion. Time passes by so quickly. She is not only my little Sister but my best friend. I really like her as a person, I admire her and the work that she does. She is one of my all time favorite people. I got to spend time with her which I always enjoy. She invites me to hang out with her and her friends which she does not have to do which I can only assume is because she likes being around me too.
We had lunch at a Mediterranean Restaurant in Brentwood with her High School/ College Best Friend Terri and her husband Brian. Before shopping at Joann’s so she could hem a dress for her reunion then to Target where we each bought five in one strapless bras. If that does not top excitement I don’t know what does.
Today we had lunch with my parents and there Sunday School class. Then Libby and I met with Andrew, who grew up across the street from us, and David another high school friend at Fido’s. I LOVE MY LIBBY!! She left from Fido to drive back to Potosi and I miss her already. But, I will see her in two weeks every Labor Day Weekend she and I meet with another group of her friends and do a day long float down the Caney Fork River. We float, eat and drink until well past dark. Then sleep in a tent in the yard right by the river. I enjoy that. I love the outdoors.

Stroke of Luck

Some how when roommates leave me I enviably lose things and gain things. Dishes, appliances, Sheets and towels have both been gained and lost but one of the oddest things I gained were two cats. Tiger and Spooky, Tony’s babies. When Carl, Abe and their 4 dogs came to live with me for a month the back yard was a petting zoo. The cats are not allowed in the house because when Toby was alive the three of them had a difficult time with the use of their litter boxes so the cats were cast out of the house where it would not matter where they peed. The dogs and cats fought it out and one day Spooky flat decided he had had enough of this mess and left. Carl and Abe and their brood left at the end of May. Spooky did not come back. I assumed he found a new home or had been in a car accident This morning as I was going about getting ready for the day there was the familiar cry in the kitchen window of “ hey you there feed me before you leave.” I was getting to it I swear I was. I always do before I bolt out the door. I always look out the window and tell Tiger “ I’M coming”. I was going to get dressed before I went out. But today when I looked out the window there were two cats in the window. Spooky WAS HOME!!! I tossed my freshly iron clothes on the sofa and ran out the door to welcome home the Prodigal Son. I quickly petted him and poured food into the bowl. As he screamed to be fed. Gave Tiger a pet too. He is no worse for wear. A little thinner than he was but he is back. I was told once that seeing a Blue Jay is good luck and last week I saw one on my deck. If this is as far as that luck goes I can take it.

ON and on and on

Have you ever had one of those days that just drag on and on and on? This is one of those days. I swear I don’t think this day is ever going to end. I went out to lunch just to get out of the office today because I was so bored. Ran into my next-door neighbor Terry. It is hot enough outside to fry an egg on the sidewalk the air is not working in the office but the fans are keeping it cool enough. I have restless plant syndrome. I am making a run to Chattanooga tomorrow to have dinner with some girl friends and maybe brunch with another on Thursday. Hit Coolidge Park. Visit New Moon. I might even drive up Signal Mountain. I miss the Mountains. Say anyone out there want to help plan a long weekend trip to the mountains? My money is tight but I could find some if I could just get away. OK that took up like ten min.

The Ape

I had this really freaky dream last night and woke up feeling as if I had been on a bender last night but I had only met a friend who was in town for a late dinner and had a glass of water but the dream itself must have been what wore me out. I was being chased by a giant ape, King Kong, I was running and scared. I woke up at some point and thought it was an Elephant and then in the back of my mind was this voice that said “ No. it wasn’t” and I really had to think on it as I was trying to go back to sleep and at the same time I was fighting it. Till I remembered it was an Ape. But I woke up tired, beat, with a head ache. I am not sure what it means. But 14 hours later I am still worn out, even though I had a two hour this after noon.

It must be Nashville

It must be me or maybe it is just Nashville. But all the cool people I know are leaving town. First Steph , then Jonathon, Sybi and Tomorrow JW leaves to go back to New Jersey. Though I have never been to New Jersey I understand there is not much there to be drawn to. In all seriousness his kids are there and he has one hell of a great business opportunity. I can not fault anyone for that. Each friend has left for better things, family –jobs – or just the hell of it. My hope for each of them is that they are truly happy where they are. I do know other cool people and now I have a longer list of cool places to visit Phoenix , AZ ; Seattle ,WA ; Potosi ,MO ; Lebanon , MO; San Angelo , TX; St. Petersburg , FL ; Newark , DE and now New Jersey. But I love you all no matter where you are in this world. I am grateful for each and every one you. So to all of you today and everyday I send my love and the warmth of our friendship. Clean out your guest room I might be on my way.

Knocking

Apparently Aunt Dot is back from the brink of death yet again. It looks like she will live to die another day. (OK bad pun). At this point it looks as though another Aunt and Uncle that live in Atlanta are going to go ahead and go out of town for vacation this could mean that Dot will live or that Uncle Albert does not want to lose his deposit. We shall see.
Is my FAMILY the only one that is just INSANE? Quick hurry she is going to die. Well wait don’t hurry that fast she will die some day just not right now. Then my cousins wanted to deny her pain meds so she would be lucid when the last of her children arrived. The doctor had to insist that she be given something. The woman was in unbearable pain and these nuts were being selfish Bastards. PROMISE me this one thing when I am knocking on deaths door and waiting to see if the door will open. I WANT MORPHINE!!! I do not want to die in pain. I want to be in as little pain as possible. I don’t care who is coming or from where. If any one of you deny me drugs for your own selfish reasons I will come back and haunt your ass. I don’t mean the’ oh yea I have a ghost tee hee hee’. I am talking Exorcist, Amityville Horror; make you pee your pants kind of scared and if you move I will come with you. There so much for being loving and peaceful.

To End.....

I am such a lazy bum. I spent most of the day laying on the sofa I didn’t do crap today I left the house to get the Sunday Paper out of the driveway around 8:30 am and then I left to go to Dairy Queen to get a Blizzard about 12 hours later. I called in to Domino’s tonight I was not feeling well I anyway. I napped on the sofa for over an hour until my Mom called to let me know that my Aunt Dot has gone into the hospital and it does not look like she will come back out.
She has been this sick before and recovered. She has been suffering from a massive clot in her legs. And for the last few years has been unable to care for herself and has been living with my cousin and her family. The fact that she could be dying is sad yes but I am not brought to tears. It is that moving on to the next world, to the next stage in life is better. I THINK that the concept of my feelings might be hard to explain. I am relived that she will be released of her pain and of her earthbound body. Then move forward to the next stage of her life, what ever that choice is for her.
Isn’t there a poem about the Sweet Release of Death? I can’t find it of there is one. Why some deaths easier to take and others are leave you sobbing every time someone ask you “How are you doing?” I try to have this it is better attitude but some times it just freakin sucks. But for Aunt Dot today it does not suck. When her husband, my Uncle Frank, passed away I was at a church retreat with my youth group. He had been sick for a long time and had gotten much worse he suffered each day he continued to live. Our leaders had sent us off to pray once we had all arrived and gotten settled. I stepped over to a spot and prayed this prayer. “Please take away my Uncle Franks pain.” I happened to look at my watch it was 8:05 PM. The next morning after breakfast we were in a group activity and my mother walked in and sat down. I wondered why in the world she would be there. Libby made it over first and began to cry. I walked over to her and she told me that my Uncle Frank had died last night. “When?” I asked. “8:09” Was her answer. So tonight I will ask that same prayer for Dot. To end her pain.

Rolling in the mud with Pigs

What is the deal with you men? People ask me all the time why I hang out with gay men and it is because 90% of the straight men I know are freakin PIGS! I went out for drinks last Saturday night with a guy who was supposed to be my friend. I have told him repeatedly that I don’t want anything more from him than friends this is clear is it not? He has said he will take what ever I offer. On the way home he kept trying to hold my hand. I kept patting his and giving him back his hand. I was tried and had said this he kept trying to find a way to stay at my house like sit in the yard and look at stars, PLEASE! We get back to my house he walks me to my door I give him a hug and hey thanks for the night. The he gabs me again and does that head tilt lean in thing, OMG, I have to push him off of me as a pull my head back and look at him like he is nuts. I get him off me and step in my house say good night and shut the door and lock it.
What is the freakin deal? I am a nice person if you are a friend male or female I will bend over backwards for you. I will do shit just to be nice because I am that kind of a gal. I give my heart and soul to all my friends. I send you cards and buy shit for you just because I am thinking of you. It does not mean shit except hey I dig you as a person. Why do some men get this and others don’t? Why does one male friend get that when I buy his lunch and give him a cheesey card and gift that goes with the card get that we are friends and I am thanking him for a really cool thing he did and another think that because I listen to him that this means I want to sleep with him? If I were as nice to the second as I was to the first hell I would have been in major trouble?
HEY guy one favor lemon guy thank you for the RESPCT !!! It is so flattering to be treated that way by a guy and know that you don’t have to be on guard all the time. You are tops! I hope you know that. I was thrilled to find someone like you and call you friend.
GUY two drop dead!

Now I have more than two straight male friends, guy two is not really one anymore, there is the one that gave me money after I lost my job to make ends meet. He does not want shit. Except a place to sleep when he is hung out to dry. Thank you for the RESPECT.
Where are you guys the nice ones that don’t want to force themselves on me? Huh tell me. I need to get that Pigs, jack asses apply here tattoo removed from my forhead.

Beer and me

Last night I went to the Flying Saucer down behind the Union Station Hotel. It is a really nice beer hall I was highly impressed. I had been meaning forever to get down there and last night I had the chance. They have 77 beers on tap with a total of 222 that’s a lot of beer. The prices range from like $3.00 to $28.00 for a 22oz import. They even have a web site but who the hell doesn’t today beerknurd.com. One could make a goal to try all 222 beers in a life time but last night I tried three; two glasses and the waitress brought me a sample of another. I tried the Smithwick’s Irish Ale I give this beer an A+. The Left Hand Sawtooth Amber gets an A. And then the North Coast Red Seal Ale gets a B. Now I am by no means a beer expert but this is my grading system. I will say as far as class goes the Flying Saucer is a million time more classy than the Stone Lion ever dream of being but then there are port –a- jons that are more classy than the Stone Lion was of course this fact did not stop me from dropping by there now and again when I lived in Chattanooga. But the place did have a bladder bust night for a $1. If you are a beer drinker I say drop by and give The Flying Saucer a try they are a small chain and have 11 locations a small menu and a few beer shots.

Fourth of July

I guess like most holidays there are childhood memories that flash back and you travel back to a time and place where you were innocent and your only care in the world was the here and the now. I have such fond memories of the Fourth of July. Some of the families on the street I grew up on, out in south Nashville, used to get together have a cook out and set off fireworks.
My sister Libby, our father, and I used to take the drive up the road just outside the county line to Smyrna where we would buy our fireworks. It was a quick trip and Libby, and my eyes would grow big. Because we would want the big bang lots of color things that would put on a show and a big bang. Libby and I wanted the big package of firecrackers but Dad would only allow us to get the smallest one which had like 20 in it however, if you spent so much you would get another pack of 20 for free now this was cool. 2 small boxes of sparklers, a ten pack of bottle rockets, those snake things, of course Roman Candles, and a small variety of things that would shoot wonderful colors into the air.
The Picnic brought out what kids thought is the best hot dogs, hamburgers, chips, Cokes (junk food) then water melon, there could have been chicken and ribs for all I knew. We would eat and eat then start with the snakes and firecrackers before it got dark. Our dog Barnaby, a Bassett Hound, would get to sleep in the house he was terrified by the fireworks. As dusk came the things that made pretty colors like the sparklers would come out. Each family would sort of lay out their goodies and we would all take turns till we got to the GRAND FANALLY. To kids it was late and by the end of the night I would be so sick with all the junk food and having inhaled enough smoke from all the fireworks I would be throwing up. My Mom would get out of bed get a cup of water and a cold rag and sit with me until it was over. Then tuck me back into bed. It is my earliest memory of making a promise to the Great Porcelain God that I would never again mix such a concoction. But that lesson was not easily learned.

Tattoos and Saddnes

Well my Birthday is a few months off and I am a big believer in giving yourself a gift for your birthday. This year I am thinking of getting a new Tattoo. I got my last one 12 or 13 years ago as a gift to myself and I am thinking it is about time for another. For years I have thought about getting a Fern frond on my heel or ankle but I am now thinking maybe some thing a little more spiritual though I am not sure what.

I have been in a funk the last week or so and can’t seem to get out. I can’t find my happy place and I have been feeling really anti social. And lonely which is an oxymoron but it is my feelings. A lot of it could stem from the fact that Tony is not going to be moving back in he is going to rent a townhouse near the lake so he can go fishing on his days off and be near the lake. I LOVE Tony dearly he is one of closest and dearest friends. The kind you can call in the middle of the night and have him come running. I was hopping that if he moved back in I could quit Domino’s which I hate. Tony and I are a good roommate match and some how don’t drive each other totally insane. I don’t know what it is and I wish I had the answer now. I know there is a big answer coming but today I am rather out of sorts and a little ill.

If you could...?

I was reading an interview with Kyra Sedgwick and at the end they asked this question: If you could go back in time and give yourself advice -- how far back would you go and what would the advice be? I personally think it is a great question and I have been thinking about it most of the day. I think my life is pretty great everything I have done has made me the person I am today but what would I tell me. What profound lesson do I wish that I would have picked up on sooner?
I might have a few. But for now:

I would return to September of 1989 right before the closest thing I had to a little brother committed suicide. I would tell the then 19 year old me that it is extremely important to tell the people in your life how you feel about them. You should tell them that you Love them everyday/ every time you see them. I remember the long hug goodbye he gave me the last time I saw him , but I don’t know that I remember telling him that I loved him, ever, how he was truly part of my heart. I would tell myself that to late comes way to soon.

Now it’s your turn If you could go back in time and give yourself advice -- how far back would you go and what would the advice be?

Daddy

I have this great memory of my Dad from when I was a kid. It is something small but it brings forth a flood of a special time with Father and Daughters. The time was Sunday night and my Mother would be off to some special thing at church. We would all get in the kitchen and start to work on Piggy’s in a blanket, using Vienna Sausage, canned biscuits, and tooth picks. Once they were done we would get one of my Mother’s TABS and split it between my sister and me, Take our plates with a little mustard and Ketchup on it and go down to the den. We were never ever allowed to eat in the den; Mother insisted that we eat at the table much less have the TV on during meal time. We pulled out the piano bench and used it as a table. There we would watch The Sunday Disney Movie and eat our dinner and Dad would remind us that this was our secret and we couldn’t ever tell Mom that we were eating in the Den, because this event was strictly against the RULES. But this rule breaking event is one of my favorite all time childhood memories of time with my Dad. I want to relive it sometime soon find a Disney Movie , get my sister , send my Mom out of the house and eat piggy’s in a blanket once again in the Den with my Dad.

US Constitution

"Did you know…
The US Constitution is the oldest and shortest constitution of government in use. It was originally written on only four pages of parchment paper and contained 4,543 words, including all the signatures. "
To bad todays leaders don't know what it is or how to follow it. It might help if they would read it. That is if they can read.

DISGRACE

It seems once again that our terribly out of touch Congress has once again allowed its self to get a raise while a large portion of their continuants live hand to mouth. Minimum wage has been at $5.15 for ten years. Yet some how Congress is getting a fat raise for the sixth year in a row, for what I don’t have a clue. Their performance in no way merits an increase of 2% which is an increase of $3,000 which they call a cost of living raise. Where in the HELL is my cost of living raise? Over the last six years some how your cost of living has gone up but mine has not? How is that? How is it that in the last Ten years your cost of living has gone up at least six times but you manage to ignore the fact that people living in the areas you represent have a need to earn more? When is the last time one of you spent a full night and day in the average neighborhoods your district? When is the last time that you had to work for an hourly wage and try and feed your family? Pay rent and then think about health care? When? You are all a Disgrace to the hard working people of the United States and I suggest that you all start looking for a new job because as far as I am concerned you are going to need it!

25 Million

Men, Women and, Children have dies of AIDS. That is the United Nations estimate since the June 5, 1981 blurb in the Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report by the CDC according to an article in today’s New York Times. 25 years ago today the first note was made about a cluster of pneumonia case in 5 gay men. Since then 25 million people have died; that is a Million lives a year, 8,333 a month, roughly 2,739 lives a day, 114 an hour 1.9 a minute lost due to HIV and AIDS related illness. 40 Million Live each day with the illness. AND WE ARE NOT SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF OUR LUNGS.
The Great and wonderful Ronald Reagan ignored the spread of AIDS until 36,058 AMERICANS, that is citizens of the Untied States of America, had been diagnosed with Aids and 20,849 had died. His first mention of came May 31, 1987 after AIDS had spread to 113 countries. Jerry Falwell the founder of Moral Majority and a strong supporter of Reagan’s said “ Aids is the wrath of God upon homosexuals.” (SFGate.com Reagan’s AIDS Legacy Silence equals Death) For six years OUR Government remained tight lipped and silent.
Injustice is worldwide but we still choose to keep our mouths shut, sealed silent. Here in this Bible Belt corner I live we continue to argue over who is responsible to teach our children about the DEADLY consequences of unprotected sex!!! I am 35 years old and still waiting on my Mother to come out of the 50’s and from under her Bible and tell me about the deadly dangers of sex. While the Preaching of abstinence and the fear of losing the Love of God is something that appears to work in the surface the sad reality is that research from 2004 showed that 88% of teens who make the pledge end up having sex before marriage. Teens who have pledge abstinence are just as likely to STDs as those who don’t sign the pledge. However boys are four times more likely to have anal sex. And group wide they are six times more likely to have oral sex (USATODAY :Abstinence pledges may trigger risky sexual behavior).
When are the Churches going to learn that safe sex and abstinence can be taught hand and hand? The fact that the rate of Aids still grows in the Untied States today shows our apathy we will continue to die. Our friends, children, and loved ones are going to continue to have unsafe sex and AIDS will spread.
Each of us by now should have been touched by the loss of someone due to AIDS isn’t it time we stopped letting there preventable death sit silently on our lips. Whose death will you stop?

Cross my Path

It is amazing how people that cross your path in daily life in what seems to be small ways can have such a profound effect on your life and the way you think about the world. The guy behind the counter at the Gas station, the kid down the street, and the blog of the stranger you read, the people a family member works with. It shows you how small this world is that we live in and that someone else pain can make your own heart ache so deep for something that you thought you had come to terms with.

Small as our World is I think we forget just how tiny this world is, I had pushed it to the back of my mind until tragedy struck in Florida and three women were attacked and killed by Alligators. Rare and odd that they should be killed so close together but then the first one was the Sister of lady that works in the same department as my mother, odd the world is small but stranger still the third had a cousin that works in the same department as my Mother same place. We are all just a few degrees away each other. It is a Small World.
A blog I read has once again moved to touch my soul and remind me of what it is I want in this world what I seek. I in all honesty thought I had come to terms with the fact that I might never ever have children. I have even said aloud “ I have accepted the fact that I might not ever be a mother.” When today it became painfully clear to me that I have not at all accepted it when I read the blog of a bloggie friend , as she calls us. Her and her husband attempts to again get pregnant did not work. As I read her blog I knew in her first to sentences that she had gotten her period and I found myself sobbing for her and then for myself. I had this huge ache in my heart and felt her pain deep with in me. Because I understand what it is to want that, to feel that desire. My pain brings forth my deepest darkest most closely held secret to my heart and soul and I want to scream out when I think that I missed the only chance I ever had at Motherhood. That is my fear that I missed it. I always said I would deal with it all when I was ready and I guess today’s the day I face it all and stop forcing it all back inside to a deep place in the dark. The knot sits in my throat, tightness in my chest and I want to scream. Punish myself, well maybe I have been punishing myself for ten years and today I had enough.

Saying Good-bye

I have to let go of ONE of my all time favorite stores Galactic Gateways a New Age and Metaphysical Bookstore is closing. Its main store is only right around the corner from my house and the sites and sounds always made me feel right at home. Whenever I felt I was out of balance this was the local place I could go to recharge when I could not get to the mountains. I would often go and sit in the floor near the books and just relax in one spot or another. Sometimes I bought stuff and sometimes I just sat there. But I never felt alone or unwelcome but sounded by love. It is sad for me I grieve the loss and hope for the owners this is on to bigger and better things. I will miss them as a part of my community, I, will miss introducing people to the store and the sense of belonging I have every time I walked through the door. I thank Ackbar, Katherine, Karen, John, Sean, Ran, Bart, Mary and all the others that made Galactic Gateways part of my growth and part of my heart. May the spirit bless you all.

With Age

I don’t know how many of us remember being younger and listening to the older people around us tell stories about the way things were when they were young. We would roll our eyes and think I AM NEVER GOING TO TELL THOSE STORIES. But of course I didn’t think I would get that old because to be over 30 would be close to death. Now death in the next 30 years seems way to some to finish all I want to do while I am here.
It is hard to pin point when we went from typewriters to desktops to lap tops but it has all happened in my short life span and it really has not been that long ago for me but to some of the kids I work with at Domino’s it has been a lifetime. On Friday there was a typewriter cartridge that was lying on top of a file cabinet in the hallway. On of the kid who is just 16 ask me what it was. You know the cartridges the black semi square ones with the arms where the red and back ribbon comes, out and across the front of the black semi square. I said, “It is a typewriter cartridge” “How does it work?” He asked me. The old hit. This kid had never used a typewriter. He knew what one was but didn’t know much about ribbons and little arms hitting the ribbon to print your words.
Trash80’s seem so far away but it is not. We have come so far where will we be in the next 20 years? What is does tomorrow hold? What does our advancement mean to our future? What is it from all this we have gained? What has been lost? We can be tracked easier; for the parent of a missing child this can be a life saving blessing. To an American wanting privacy for its Government it is a curse. WE ARE CAUGHT! My computer has taken my places I never dreamed I could have gone and maybe a few places I am sorry we ever opened up.

From nothing to Something

I have started this blog today with the idea I have something to say and nothing comes. I don’t know that I would call it writers block It is just I am taking my lunch and have nothing better to do. My friend Jon looked over this used laptop I might buy told me I would not get a better deal for what he was asking but if I had more money I could get a new computer that was not an Acer. I have it but I also have debt I could pay off. I have been mulling it all over and I just keep going back and forth on the whole thing new computer, shut up Discover.

Carl and Abe will be leaving next week if everything with their closing goes well. I have enjoyed having them around it has been nice to have people to talk to every night. Plus the fact that Carl cooks dinner and cleans the kitchen I could get used to that. But what it has brought to mind is all those little things you don’t think about when you live alone that other people do that make you nuts. Now it is not just them it has been other people who have lived with me. You just plan forget those little things which add up to big things and cause a fight all because you could not say hey there Joe would you mind not parking your car on the lawn. You wait then blow the hell up with all those little nit picky things that are like fingernails on a chalkboard to you personally. I think it all goes form small to big and each person has his or her own limit of what is ok and what makes you want to find a bat and hit Joe repeatedly up side the head. Now just a few of mine are:

The way the dishwasher is loaded if you do it right and take your time you only have to run it once or twice a week. I am so picky I will go back through and rearrange all the dishes and fit them in there right. Thus making room for another day or two of dishes, maybe more.


The way the dishes are put up in the cabinet if you do this right coffee cups don’t hang on the edge of the shelf and fall on your head when you open the door. The plates should be stacked on the shelf by size from the smallest to the largest. ( I have very little cabinet space).

Turn off a light when you are done in a room.

I love sunlight leave the curtains open.

Don’t leave your sex toys in the common bathroom

Don’t steal from me
I HAVE MORE BUT LUNCH IS OVER. What are yours?

Do's and Don't s

OKAY so I am really into stealing ideas from other people’s blogs and I don’t even know this beautiful sprit I came across her blog while browsing through bogs and was just drawn to her and her sprit. Give her blog a look http://bohemiangirldesigns.blogspot.com/. But on with her idea that I stole from her Blog
Do’s and Don’t s I also here by challenge all of you to do your very own Do and Don’t List:

I do love baths
I don’t have the patients to sit in the tub

I do love the Mountains
I don’t care for the beach

I do miss smoking
But I don’t

I do love the quite in the house first thing in the morning
I don’t like a lot of noise

I do love card and board games
I don’t like video games

I do love plants and flowers
I don’t have a green thumb

I do need to be more organized
I don’t have a plan

I do want children
I don’t want to do that without a husband

I do love to cook
I don’t have time to eat it all

I do love the “Conversations with God” Series
I don’t like Romance Novels

I do love my terry cloth bathrobe
I don’t often wear my satin one

I do want a better relationship with my Mother
I don’t cry over it any more

I do love Sushi
I don’t like liver (bluck)
I do admit to reading “He’s just not that into you”
I don’t mind hurting who ever laughs at me

I do love scented candles, oils and incense
I don’t like the smell of patchouli

I do love hot teas
I don’t like hot cider

I do love thunderstorms
I don’t like lighting hitting my house

I do love to cuddle
I don’t like sleeping with an arm under my head/neck

I do think I have made some major mistakes I don’t regret one of them.

Sisterhood

I had such a wonderful time with my sister in Missouri. I spent Friday sitting by the lake reading a book. I moved inside after lunch when it became too cold to be outside. We had a chance to talk and laugh. She had a friend going though a hard time and we brought her into our fold and bonded with her as well. We visited St. Louis twice and rode to the top of the Arch on a very windy day as it swayed noticeably from the inside like being on a boat that moved with the waves only this ship is 630 feet off the ground. We even hit the casinos thought the excitement in a Missouri casino leaves a lot to be desired and if I were you I would wait till I got to Nevada. As I was preparing for my trip the thought deep in my mind was how I miss sisterhood. Now it is ever more present and in the forefront of my thoughts. Not just time with my sister by true sisterhood with other women who you can bond with at such a special and deep level. Don’t get me wrong I adore all the men in my life and love each one of them but the bond of women is different and I miss that, I yearn for the kind of time women spend together bonding souls. I don’t have that here and I have not had it in sometime. Perhaps it is what if any one thing is missing from my life SISTERHOOD. Libby said, “Well go out and get you some girlfriends” like you can find them at Target next to the candles. I wish it were so easy. It never has been that easy for me. But this is not my point. I want that bond like I had with college friends over late night cups of coffee at IHOP or glasses of wine while laughing till you cry on someone’s couch.

I did it .............

I am a certified Red Cross / Red Crescent CPR (Adult, Child, and Infant) First Aid, AED Instructor. I only have to observe a full class being taught , do what they call a teach back which is where I will take a section and teach it with an instructor there to coach me , then teach the who class under the watchful eye of another Instructor.
I really mess up my first teach section I did in class I bombed big time but was able to recover and do much better the next day. I still have a lot to learn and I need to get comfortable speaking around people but I think I can do it. I go back Monday to the Red Cross and watch a teaching session. I need to study my Instructor book this weekend just in case Jerry calls on me to take a section I want to be ready.
I also maybe just a tab crazy. Carl and his husband Abe are going to stay with me for a few weeks. They have sold there house and put a bid on a new one but the closing dates are off a few weeks so they are going to hang with me for a while. This will be a test to see if I can handle having roommates again.
What else oh yea I am going to Missouri to see Libby she is living about 70 miles south of St. Louis in a tiny little town there in the Ozarks . While there I am going to sit by the lake and read while she works on Friday, then we are going to head into St. Louis on Saturday and see the sights. The Arch, Bush Gardens. I might even try St. Louis Pizza which from what I have read is made with Provolone cheese. If anyone has any ideas let me know. I doubt I will be able to talk Libby in to a Cardinals Game.

New day

I did it Toby the Wonder Cat has been moved. I dug a nice deep hole and to avoid all the nasty details he is in it. I hope to stay. I don’t think I could do that again.
When I finished I had the shovel in hand so I go busy in my yard and cut down small trees that were growing in the fence, and then got going around my azalea bushes and pulled weeds and more small trees that thought that would be a good place to grow. I put a couple hours worth of work in out there and it felt good. I was able to put my mind on something else other than the grim task my day stated with. I feel better now and my arms and legs are sore from pulling and tugging on weeds and trees all morning.
The Sister is in town and we went over to friends of hers tonight and had a few beers and laughed and had such a good time. Sis was telling her “I’m scared of Owls “story and I was crying I was laughing so hard. I miss times like that with friends the laughing so hard you cry. Those are good times. I think it was a perfect way to end a day.

And you thought your day sucked

In August of last year, as some of you may rememebr, my cat of 13 years passed away one morning. I could not bring myself to see him or to bury him so the roommates I had at the time did it for me. They left soon after and I never learned where he had been buried until today. I was out mowing the lawn and I found his skull in a shallow grave. I am not sure what I should do at this point. There is a fence and woods behind my house and just tossing it over the fence does not appeal to me. I need to do something to honor him and keep it …. What’s the word? Honorable, sacred. Needles to say I need to finish mowing the grass to and not well you get the idea.

She has done it AGAIN !!

So once again My Mother has told me that she is proud of me. ME!! The shock is going to kill me. Today the Department of Health came back and we passed our survey. YAY ME. I busted my butt to get that stuff in order and it all worked out. I was so excited. When I called my Mother to tell her she said she was proud of me again. That is like twice in 1 month the last time she said it before this was the day I graduated high school. Maybe aliens have take over her body? Maybe she is mellowing with age? I don’t know what it is but I like it. I am going to take these things as they come and roll with the flow. Be open to her and her attempts.

Well this Friday I have gotten myself in a real pickle. I think it will be an exciting day it is just going to be a long one. I have to pick up Tony and take him to the Airport on Friday at 5:00AM and since I am going to be close to work I might as well come on into work and get some things done right?
Then I have a training class for my last State Train the Trainer class that starts at 9AM. This one class is only offered every three months so I have no choice despite that fact that I have plans already but oh well. Now my other plans I have volunteered to be a victim. No, I am not going out with one of my boyfriends again. The 2005 Emergency Preparedness Challenge is taking place both Friday and Saturday; I volunteered to be a victim for the excise. I was going to do it all day but because of the class with the State I can’t I will be there from Noon to 9PM it means I wont be delivering pizza. (I am heart broken, ok not really) but so I thought it would be fun to work with Home Land Security get an up close and personal look at just how unprepared they are to handle an emergency that they plan. I am not sure if I will use this as a form to let everyone know how inept they really are, I don’t want to give away tips to the Dark Side.

AN UPDATE

Well here we are again and I am wondering what to write, what to tell. I know I should write more often if only because I check the blogs of my friends on a daily basis, generally, and I get aggravated at the fact they go weeks and don’t update their blogs I am sure because they have much better things to do. I don’t get to jet set across the country nor do I work with people who would be interesting topics of conversation. I am alone in the office 95% of the time. I answer the phone when it rings 4 times a day and I type. Fun.
But here it is I had tuna salad with ROSEMARY TRISKITS and a pear for lunch. Last night I headed home and stopped and bought me a nice bottle of wine, went home, my friend Greg called to tell me how sorry he was that he did not mail me the CD he did that he swore he would mail on Monday and did not. The salmon I bought had gone bad, but I drank a glass of wine anyway had my broccoli salad, rice, and I cooked some of theose frozen breaded shrimp. It worked. Carl and Abe dropped by with their 5 dogs because their house was being shown and they needed to get out. They looked at paint chips for a wall in my house that I want to paint then left. I went to my conversations group and found myself with my head in my lap laughing. In the group we set up intentions for the week and mine is to be more open to my mother because she is trying. I came home went to bed and fell asleep with the TV on. Next week my intention is to use better punctuation. ( OK not really but it will make Ron happy.)

Spell Check has made me a complete idiot. Not that I was the best speller in the world before hand. But now that I am working at a desk and a computer all day long I have gotten even worse than I was before not really caring or putting a lot of effort into getting stuff right because that little red line appears under the word to let me know that I have once again misspelled a word.
That though is not my biggest problem I am not good at 1 knowing that I have misspelled a word it is more I misuse the word. Here lately my biggest problem his been in talking about what our Mangers are going to need to be doing. Well now the problem is that Mangers is a word though not the one I want and it is not even close I am meaning Managers. You can’t even look at those and figure out what I mean. Unlike since, scenes all those I miss use those and most people get the general idea. But again often my spelling is so poor that spell check can’t even figure out what I want to spell and I end up playing with all the letters in different orders and using different vowels until I know it is the word I want. Like my dictionary is a lot of help do you know how hard it is to look up a word that you can’t feakin spell? It is both good and bad, black and white, yen and yang . But I am not any better a speller better typist yes.

Guess what My Mother has gone and done now?

I called my Mother at work yesterday after having a talk with my Boss at the job that I have been working that is supposed to give me more responsibility and more experience. I called her to tell her that I have been made the title VI Coordinator at my Job. I must say I am really stoked about. But when I told Mom she told me she was proud of me. That was a shock I don’t think she has told me that she is proud of me in years. I was taken aback. It had to be the topper to my day possibly to my week. My mom is not one to “SHARE” her feelings and I have kind of felt her doubt about this job the whole time and it was just good to know that she is proud of me.

VINEGAR

Well I am in a really pissy mood this evening. I was when I walked into the pizza gig and I left the pizza gig early because I just was not feeling it. I was going to rip my stupid bosses head off. I had an address that was not complete with only a letter “c” for a last name because he is to lazy to get a last name and then to verify the address and get it correct so I deliver a pizza to the right people in a timely fashion and Say “good evening Ms. Jones how are you?” But no he is a a a a grrrrrrrrrr.
So I am just not having it and I live alone so there is no one to come home and start a fight with over something stupid and lame like the way they eat pop corn. I want to be left the hell alone but I don’t want to be because I wana start something. Because I want to be left alone and not bothered but I don’t. I have not been this way in a long time. Put em! Put em up!

Fear and Loathing

Well I still can’t manage to write in my personal journal everyday. I used to make time each night no matter how tired I was to sit down before I went to bed and write, my thoughts and feelings about the day and the people in it. Then in the morning I would record my dreams. But I have not been able to do that for years.
I had a boyfriend who attempted to read it once and it really put a stop to me putting down my true thoughts and feelings it was a big betrayal and it caused me to just shove my feelings deep inside me. I also had a roommate at that time that I thought was reading it; things would not be right in my room when I came home. So I would carry it with me every time I left the house as to guard my deepest personal thoughts that I don’t share with anyone- the fear, doubt and what have you about myself and those in my life. Even though I had been given a beautiful Lap Desk to keep it. The whole thing had become tainted. As if my soul had been opened and looked into (without my permission) and I just don’t know if anyone should have that kind of access. It is like Post Secrets only it is not anonymous.
There is no one now to steal my thoughts, feelings, hopes and Dreams yet I still can’t move past all that. I can’t feel safe in putting down what’s inside me in the quite, alone at the close of my day. I know that there is a way past all this to let go of that fear. To again find comfort in putting what is in my being on to paper and in to words, and again enjoy this best part of the moments before I sleep like I did before. But those answers are deep inside of me and my biggest battle is to find the way at the end of the day to place it all on to paper and trust myself.

Chill in the Air

Well the weather in Nashville has been just gorgeous the last few days. I wore shorts , once I dug a pair that fit out of the attic , out Sunday it was near 80 degrees. It was beautiful. I went to lunch someplace with out door seating just so I could read my book and enjoy the out doors. Today it is nice outside also and we are expecting some storms later today. I should make it if I don't freeze to death first. I work in a small office the heat and air controls are in the office upstairs from where I am and I do not have access to them and those fools have their air on. It is only 73 out there and I am about to freeze to death. It is bad enough that we are in the basment so it stays cool here. But Jon's Pigunies are going to following me to work and making them selves at home here with me. I might as well start dressing in black and white so I CAN FIT IN!! I just need feathers. I do have a small heater here so I will not die or anything so dramitc but why can't I make out like I will. I hate the cold! Though this does not help me having a love for the mountains. Sigh what to do?

Excitement and a Conversation with God

Well I am really looking forward to tonight I am a part of a Conversations with God Book Group. The group is based on the The serious of books by Neale Donald Walsh. Tonight we start on book 3 which I have not read yet but am very excited about getting into it with my group. When I found my first book back in 1998 I was having serious problem with church and religion and the book was about a God I wanted to believe in. It help me to come to terms with God having no part in religion and it helped me be OK with that. My relationship with God is better now than it ever was and I have this wonderful Group of people with whom to share it. We are from all walks of life and all back grounds most pretty liberal. But they are this totally awesome group of people there are a few lose ends but I really enjoy them and I am really look forward to what is ahead.

Lost my direction

I am so far off base right now. More on a dietary way than anything else. I have in the last few years managed to quit smoking April 9, 2000 and all but eliminate caffeine from my diet Thanksgiving 2004, having a drink with it in there about once a week. But I can not seem to get on track to not eating junk food. For a long time there I was doing extremely well but it has all gone by the way side. I have become a drive through queen pulling into the drive thro over 4 times a week most weeks which is not good. I am wasting money and gaining weight. Round is going to become my shape and I just can't seem to focus on eating right. I know how to do it I have done it. I just have so much less time in the morning than I used to. A few years ago an hour and a half was more than enough time to shower, drink coffee( now tea) , check my e-mail , and then pack a lunch for work. Today it just does not happen I am fighting no one for shower time but the time just slips by and I am running out the door. I have this addiction to chips- potato, corn , French onion, Bar-b-que, jalapeno, oh and add a good salsa and I am done for a basket of chips will be gone. I have lost my self control. I used to eat a cup and a half of fruit for breakfast every morning !!! What is going on. I buy fruit and veggies and they rot in my fridge I have every intention in the world of eating them and then I don't. What is the deal what's is my problem? How can I refocus ?

Making it quick

OK so my lunch will be over in like 2 min. OK I get to set my own lunch hours but that means working longer and who wants to do that? Steph I check your blog just about every day some times twice. Everyone else who is on my list too. So though I am a lazy bum and never write I do read. I have no news to report today I am alive and happy and quite cute if I do say so myself. When I have time I will give out alot my info about laundry and washing dishes and such in the mean time the Goddess must make her car payment.

Letting The cat out of the bag

Not that the cat was in I just have not be really fourth coming about how things are going. I have not wanted to say anything to soon about it all for fear of the big jinks. Murphy's Law is a bitch sometimes and I should know we have been on a very personal basis. As you may or may not know I have been working two part time jobs one delivering piazza's for a major chain the other I got almost as soon as I "lost" my other job. One of the Nurses at the Agency I worked for before has had his own staffing agency for several years. He has been wanting to expand to get his own provider license for Long Term Supports ( Group Homes) and Professional Support Services (Nursing ). This would allow him to 1) open his own homes and give supported living and nursing care to Individuals w/ Developmental disabilities 2) bill the State of Tennessee for the nursing care he already gives instead of billing the agency's that he gives the service to. When I "lost" my job I came back by the office to let my friend help me with my resume on the weekend after. Once it was finished I dropped it into this nurses chair he called that Monday , interviewed me in the parking lot on Tuesday and by Wednesday or Thursday I was working for him. I am rather proud of the turn around. So I have polished both of the applications that he and other people he has hired ( and failed) have been working on for over 2 years , Written and edited Human Recourses Policies, and The Policy and Procedure Manual ( I did use other peoples policies I will not lie, but heck it is hard work.) Now among all the other duties I have been assigned I have been sent to training for a train the trainer. This allows me to teach all incoming staff and recertification old staff on most required training for the State of Tennessee. I am going next month to the Red Cross to be a certified CPR/ First Aid/ AED Instructor. The only classes I am unable to teach are those that require an RN ( Medication Administration , seizure etc.) I am still not full time. But the application I submitted to the State to provide services should go to be signed next week if it is not missing anything. But it is looking good. I thought that Goddess would make a good title. Now does anyone know how to make paragraphs here on Blog Spot. I have tried in vain to do enter and it is not working any clues would be helpful.

No Gnews is Good Gnews

Well my life has been about as exciting as watching paint dry. Not that I mind that so much a little dull is nice for now. I do have to work tonight and it is going to be cold and snowing. We all know what happened the last time it snowed while I was working. I can't afford another fall. So until I have to go to work tonight I am trying to decide if I want to A) clean my laundry room. B) Read a book or C) watch THE PRINCESS BRIDE. Which I picked up at Wal-Mart last night. Hummmmmm let me see. I should really clean up the laundry room it is going to be very cold out tonight and I should let the cats in, this is where they stay now when they come in to visit. But lying on the sofa in my bath robe some how just seems better.

I can fly , I can fly . I can fly

I just love those flying dreams like the one I had last night. Where I am walking along and I step down on one foot and launch myself into the air. I tend to fly like Mary Poppins which I think is out right cool. But this time I came in from out side with Chastity Bono leaving her outside it was windy. I stepped inside and stepped and I was flying ,through a furniture store filled mostly with sofas SINGING I can fly I can fly I can fly............When I stopped I came down on a sofa and rolled softly over into a glass top coffee table. There was a sales lady there asking me about my flying and how long I had been doing it and how I did it. But there was a storm brewing outside a large massive black cloud hanging low in the sky turning round and round the wind was blowing hard and I told her to get ready for the storm coming you need to find a place to be when it hits that's not out in the open I pointed to a small area with a yellow wall and told her to be there. I went on about storms and tornados and how you can tell one is coming by the walling and turning of the clouds. Like those. I finished what I was doing and left walking out into the storm and the wind to my car which was parked around 3 tricked out canary Yellow and Red Caddies with gold grills, rims , and accents.
Then ( still dreaming) my home phone rang and some one asked if such and so could come and fax something from my house I said sure. Then there was something about not having a fax they could use but I would love to see them anyway and when they pulled up outside I looked and it was Sara ( that crazy roommate) I was not letting her into my house.

UP DATE

Well my tush is still soar. I do not plop down I sit down very easy. It does not hurt today as much as it in days past but if I sit wrong I feel it. I will finish the steroids in the morning and I am taking a lortab at night to sleep which is bringing on some out right freaky deaky dreams. I have yet to remember last nights dreams. I went to bed Monday night feeling very eurorphic and in a blissful happiness, and no it was not the drugs. But the dreams that night just were all out crazy and involve running for my life with blood , gore and sheer fear fueling the night but in this last one I was running with a Man and though we feared for our lives I felt safe because we were together, but who would not feel safe running with Viggo Mortenson. And No I have not seen any of his movies after LOTR. Of course my broken butt is reason to not excirsie wouldn't want to take any chances now would we?

Jack and Jill went up the Hill....

and Fern came tumbling after. Well on Friday the 13 th it was snowing and I of course was out delivering pizza which is what I do on Friday nights now. The snow was pretty and was melting as soon as it hit the ground it had rained all day away so everything was wet. I went to a house to deliver a pizza and made it up the wooden ramp with no problem to the door. Upon leaving I somehow ended up on the ground I was sitting there before I had knew I had fallen. It hurt like the dickens. I went right back to the store and reported it to the manager. Well the next day I was still soare and I having no health insurance did not rush to the Doctor. Yes I know about workmans comp I also know what a pain in the ass it is and I already had one pain in my ass I did not need another. So I put off doing anything for to long if you want to know the truth. I went this Saturday Yes over a week later to the Doctor at a walk-in clinic. Guess what I have broken my cockais ( tail bone, ass) what ever you want to call it. Well I now have some steriods and lortab , which made for some wacky dreams last night the lortab not the steroids. So my tushy hurts unless I take a lortab which I have not all day so I can work, but I am off now to lortab land. Somehow this gives a whole new meaning to pain in the ass.

Date from Hell

I have not had a date in well over a year so when I went out with a friend of mine to this Mexican restaurant she always goes to and one of the guys asked about me and want to get to know me I said why not. My girlfriend knows most of the people there.
We met at Friday's and well he would not keep his hands off of me I would ask him to slow down and back off a bit and he would not My friend was with me and she asked him in Spanish no less. He told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend we have know each other 5 mins. Then he asked if he could kiss me and I told him NO! So then get this he told me he loved me! Give me a freakin break. We went to another place where He kept trying get in my pants and when he could not he got mad and said he was tried and wanted to go home so we said OK bye and left. THEN That idiot called me this morning to ask what I was doing? Give me a break. I got no RESPECT! That loser did not even by our drinks. NEXT! Now I remember why I have not dated in like 2 years.

Star light Star bright

Did you know…
Astronomers believe there to be more stars in the universe than there are grains of sand in all the world's beaches and deserts. They estimate there are about 70 sextillion stars. That's a 7 followed by 22 zeros. <>

Buffy in Bed

I am not sure if I am just not young any more or what but Monday I just could not for the life of me get going. I worked at the pizza place till almost 11PM ,Sun, got home and hit the hay so at 5AM when my alarm started going off I had to hit snooze twice. I did get up start the water for my tea and jump in the shower. When I got out I put the bag in the water and went to put on my make-up. I looked in the mirror and decided it was just not worth it today. I got my tea and made me some cereal and went to check my e-mail like I do every morning. Yesterday was my friend Stephs Birthday and I WAS going to drop her a note but I ran out of time and had to get going if I was going to be at work at 7, I just like being up early go in early go home early is my theory, I can send Steph her note once I am at work. I went back to my room to get dressed and there it was the bed. I could lay down till 7 and be at work at 7:30 I can lay in bed and watch Buffy. I set the alarm on my phone for 7AM it was 6:20. I hit snooze and reset that thing until it rang at 9:30 so much for a little nap by then I just had no strength at all . It was as if all my energy had been sucked out of me. It could also be that I had nightmares and spent most of the night running for my life. So needless to say I did not go in I stayed at home and just let the couch suck my life out of me napped on and off all day. AT 4PM it's almost time to be at the pizza place and I wasn't feeling it. I got up and went in anyway I felt better once I had been moving an hour. But man I was out of it. Maybe it was the dream that did it?

And the beat goes on

So Libby has gotten moved to Missouri in a town about 30 to 45 min from Farmington which is the closest town with sit down restaurants. She has not been there a week yet and was moving and starting her new job this past week so I am not sure how things are going for her I wish her luck. It is always hard to move to a new place especially when you don't know anybody but Libby has this way of making friends easily and has always been very sociable. A trait that I do not carry but frankly have learned not to care over the years. I love the friends I have , I love hanging out with them. But I am also I big fan of my alone time. My Mother who went with Libby to help her get settled has said that she is in a very small apartment provided by the Y. And has a lot of limited space in her place but Libby always seems to make due I am sure she will this time.

Brokeback Mountain

I had two of my Gays and a friend of theirs come in from Chattanooga to see Brokeback Mountain. I am telling you it is the most beautiful love story I think I have ever seen. It is an OUTSTANDING movie and I for one highly recommended it. It still has me in tears at the beauty of it all. Please go see it.

Happy New Year

So here we are at brand spanking new year. I hope this year is better than the last. I was planning on being ready to run in the local marathon in April but I have yet again waited to long to do this. This will be the third year in a row I have blown this one. But I did buy the shoes. That counts as effort doesn't it.
I am happy and that is all that matters. Happier than I have been in a very very long time. So yea for me. I could not ask for much more out of life than I have. I do have a lot of questions about myself I need to ask and a lot of self doubt to rid myself of but that should not be much of a problem. I am always asking questions about myself it is the way I grow and become this better person I strive to be.
My hope for each of you is that you can find and hold peace in the This New Year , that you can grow in mind , body , and spirit. And enjoy the journey that is life.