Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Cross my Path

It is amazing how people that cross your path in daily life in what seems to be small ways can have such a profound effect on your life and the way you think about the world. The guy behind the counter at the Gas station, the kid down the street, and the blog of the stranger you read, the people a family member works with. It shows you how small this world is that we live in and that someone else pain can make your own heart ache so deep for something that you thought you had come to terms with.

Small as our World is I think we forget just how tiny this world is, I had pushed it to the back of my mind until tragedy struck in Florida and three women were attacked and killed by Alligators. Rare and odd that they should be killed so close together but then the first one was the Sister of lady that works in the same department as my mother, odd the world is small but stranger still the third had a cousin that works in the same department as my Mother same place. We are all just a few degrees away each other. It is a Small World.
A blog I read has once again moved to touch my soul and remind me of what it is I want in this world what I seek. I in all honesty thought I had come to terms with the fact that I might never ever have children. I have even said aloud “ I have accepted the fact that I might not ever be a mother.” When today it became painfully clear to me that I have not at all accepted it when I read the blog of a bloggie friend , as she calls us. Her and her husband attempts to again get pregnant did not work. As I read her blog I knew in her first to sentences that she had gotten her period and I found myself sobbing for her and then for myself. I had this huge ache in my heart and felt her pain deep with in me. Because I understand what it is to want that, to feel that desire. My pain brings forth my deepest darkest most closely held secret to my heart and soul and I want to scream out when I think that I missed the only chance I ever had at Motherhood. That is my fear that I missed it. I always said I would deal with it all when I was ready and I guess today’s the day I face it all and stop forcing it all back inside to a deep place in the dark. The knot sits in my throat, tightness in my chest and I want to scream. Punish myself, well maybe I have been punishing myself for ten years and today I had enough.

3 comments:

Alcuin Bramerton said...

Relax. Chill. You've been a mother many times before in previous lives, and you can be a mother many times again in future lives if you want. There is no limitation; no restriction. Every fulfilment is available to those who ask. Trust the universe.

Robert said...

Yes, too bad Tennesse state laws and other national laws prohibit a single woman from having a child...

The bottom line in human behavior is this: You will do what you want to do.

All the reasons pro and con make not one bit of difference. You think the idea of raising a child alone is frightening? Good. Welcome to your first lesson in parenting. Fear. You will always be afraid that something is not good enough. Your home, your job, yourself. Never good enough.

So guess what, your criteria for being a parent is this: Are you willing to be afraid? Are you willing to doubt....everything?

And if you are willing to do it, the first time your child smiles because he or she recognizes you, there is no pain or fear that will ever make you doubt your decision.

kerry said...

your sentence.... "someone else pain can make your own heart ache so deep for something that you thought you had come to terms with." ... has imbedded itself within me. you have put to words something i have been desperately trying to express. thank you for this post, it matters to me more than i can explain.