Sunday, September 23, 2007


I have not been sleeping well. I wake up tired. Of course when you wake up at 3:30 in the morning and can't go back to sleep this implies not sleeping well. But I am sleeping. Is this a plus? I was up past midnight last night and awake at 7 this morning. I tried to go to go back to sleep. I miss sleep. That go sleep where you wake up and roll back over and go back to sleep. I don't drink caffeine so don't tell me stop drinking caffeine. Maybe I need sex. Or rain. Maybe sex while its raining then I will sleep like a baby.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Once again

I love my birthdays I am like a big kid telling everyone that it is my birthday.
I had a great one and spent the weekend hanging out with Libby in Knoxville and we had a blast. Went out on a Friends boat on the lake and got to just relax. Then On Monday the family went to the Melting Pot for my birthday dinner which is one of my all time favorite places to eat. On my Birthday I went out to lunch with my Mom and then home till my book club met. Shamus and Cheryl bought my dinner. Then Shamus took me back to his place and we drank way too much wine but I had a great time and enjoyed the good conversation. The next day I did not enjoy myself I was sick as a dog an all day sick. In fact I still feel crappy today. This birthday I am old.

The whole TICK TICK TICK thing has not gone away. It is still there and loud as hell. I am trying to ignore it. It is not working and I am blue as hell. However I hide it well. And only those closest to me would have an idea that I am as sad as I am but none of those people are around which in part is a good thing because they would worry me to death checking on me. Which would upset me even more and make me fake it more. I hate faking joy. Can't I just be miserable?

I joined eHarmony a while back and well ...... that is all I can say about that. I might just need to cancel it for right now because I am miserable and that is really not the time to be looking for the future Mr. Ferngoddess. I have meet a few nice guys but there was no spark. I might be too picky. I am afraid to ask because I really don't want to know. It might just push me over the edge at this point.

There was the younger guy. But that is well I just don't know any more what it is. I am hung on that and that is part of my problem too. I feel pathetic. So on top of being miserable I am pathetic which makes me even more miserable and my clock is still ticking loudly.

I found out today that the State may take up to three months to get back to us about our application to expand our services which means that I have to keep my second job possibly up until December or January. Just what I need at this point. Now I am depressed. I was so looking forward to quiting having weekends off and to myself. I HATE my second job. Hate it!! I wanted it to be over.

But I had a really good black bean soup for lunch today and my birthday weekend was pretty rocking.