Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Cross my Path

It is amazing how people that cross your path in daily life in what seems to be small ways can have such a profound effect on your life and the way you think about the world. The guy behind the counter at the Gas station, the kid down the street, and the blog of the stranger you read, the people a family member works with. It shows you how small this world is that we live in and that someone else pain can make your own heart ache so deep for something that you thought you had come to terms with.

Small as our World is I think we forget just how tiny this world is, I had pushed it to the back of my mind until tragedy struck in Florida and three women were attacked and killed by Alligators. Rare and odd that they should be killed so close together but then the first one was the Sister of lady that works in the same department as my mother, odd the world is small but stranger still the third had a cousin that works in the same department as my Mother same place. We are all just a few degrees away each other. It is a Small World.
A blog I read has once again moved to touch my soul and remind me of what it is I want in this world what I seek. I in all honesty thought I had come to terms with the fact that I might never ever have children. I have even said aloud “ I have accepted the fact that I might not ever be a mother.” When today it became painfully clear to me that I have not at all accepted it when I read the blog of a bloggie friend , as she calls us. Her and her husband attempts to again get pregnant did not work. As I read her blog I knew in her first to sentences that she had gotten her period and I found myself sobbing for her and then for myself. I had this huge ache in my heart and felt her pain deep with in me. Because I understand what it is to want that, to feel that desire. My pain brings forth my deepest darkest most closely held secret to my heart and soul and I want to scream out when I think that I missed the only chance I ever had at Motherhood. That is my fear that I missed it. I always said I would deal with it all when I was ready and I guess today’s the day I face it all and stop forcing it all back inside to a deep place in the dark. The knot sits in my throat, tightness in my chest and I want to scream. Punish myself, well maybe I have been punishing myself for ten years and today I had enough.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Saying Good-bye

I have to let go of ONE of my all time favorite stores Galactic Gateways a New Age and Metaphysical Bookstore is closing. Its main store is only right around the corner from my house and the sites and sounds always made me feel right at home. Whenever I felt I was out of balance this was the local place I could go to recharge when I could not get to the mountains. I would often go and sit in the floor near the books and just relax in one spot or another. Sometimes I bought stuff and sometimes I just sat there. But I never felt alone or unwelcome but sounded by love. It is sad for me I grieve the loss and hope for the owners this is on to bigger and better things. I will miss them as a part of my community, I, will miss introducing people to the store and the sense of belonging I have every time I walked through the door. I thank Ackbar, Katherine, Karen, John, Sean, Ran, Bart, Mary and all the others that made Galactic Gateways part of my growth and part of my heart. May the spirit bless you all.

Monday, May 15, 2006

With Age

I don’t know how many of us remember being younger and listening to the older people around us tell stories about the way things were when they were young. We would roll our eyes and think I AM NEVER GOING TO TELL THOSE STORIES. But of course I didn’t think I would get that old because to be over 30 would be close to death. Now death in the next 30 years seems way to some to finish all I want to do while I am here.
It is hard to pin point when we went from typewriters to desktops to lap tops but it has all happened in my short life span and it really has not been that long ago for me but to some of the kids I work with at Domino’s it has been a lifetime. On Friday there was a typewriter cartridge that was lying on top of a file cabinet in the hallway. On of the kid who is just 16 ask me what it was. You know the cartridges the black semi square ones with the arms where the red and back ribbon comes, out and across the front of the black semi square. I said, “It is a typewriter cartridge” “How does it work?” He asked me. The old hit. This kid had never used a typewriter. He knew what one was but didn’t know much about ribbons and little arms hitting the ribbon to print your words.
Trash80’s seem so far away but it is not. We have come so far where will we be in the next 20 years? What is does tomorrow hold? What does our advancement mean to our future? What is it from all this we have gained? What has been lost? We can be tracked easier; for the parent of a missing child this can be a life saving blessing. To an American wanting privacy for its Government it is a curse. WE ARE CAUGHT! My computer has taken my places I never dreamed I could have gone and maybe a few places I am sorry we ever opened up.

Friday, May 12, 2006

From nothing to Something

I have started this blog today with the idea I have something to say and nothing comes. I don’t know that I would call it writers block It is just I am taking my lunch and have nothing better to do. My friend Jon looked over this used laptop I might buy told me I would not get a better deal for what he was asking but if I had more money I could get a new computer that was not an Acer. I have it but I also have debt I could pay off. I have been mulling it all over and I just keep going back and forth on the whole thing new computer, shut up Discover.

Carl and Abe will be leaving next week if everything with their closing goes well. I have enjoyed having them around it has been nice to have people to talk to every night. Plus the fact that Carl cooks dinner and cleans the kitchen I could get used to that. But what it has brought to mind is all those little things you don’t think about when you live alone that other people do that make you nuts. Now it is not just them it has been other people who have lived with me. You just plan forget those little things which add up to big things and cause a fight all because you could not say hey there Joe would you mind not parking your car on the lawn. You wait then blow the hell up with all those little nit picky things that are like fingernails on a chalkboard to you personally. I think it all goes form small to big and each person has his or her own limit of what is ok and what makes you want to find a bat and hit Joe repeatedly up side the head. Now just a few of mine are:

The way the dishwasher is loaded if you do it right and take your time you only have to run it once or twice a week. I am so picky I will go back through and rearrange all the dishes and fit them in there right. Thus making room for another day or two of dishes, maybe more.

The way the dishes are put up in the cabinet if you do this right coffee cups don’t hang on the edge of the shelf and fall on your head when you open the door. The plates should be stacked on the shelf by size from the smallest to the largest. ( I have very little cabinet space).

Turn off a light when you are done in a room.

I love sunlight leave the curtains open.

Don’t leave your sex toys in the common bathroom

Don’t steal from me

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Do's and Don't s

OKAY so I am really into stealing ideas from other people’s blogs and I don’t even know this beautiful sprit I came across her blog while browsing through bogs and was just drawn to her and her sprit. Give her blog a look But on with her idea that I stole from her Blog
Do’s and Don’t s I also here by challenge all of you to do your very own Do and Don’t List:

I do love baths
I don’t have the patients to sit in the tub

I do love the Mountains
I don’t care for the beach

I do miss smoking
But I don’t

I do love the quite in the house first thing in the morning
I don’t like a lot of noise

I do love card and board games
I don’t like video games

I do love plants and flowers
I don’t have a green thumb

I do need to be more organized
I don’t have a plan

I do want children
I don’t want to do that without a husband

I do love to cook
I don’t have time to eat it all

I do love the “Conversations with God” Series
I don’t like Romance Novels

I do love my terry cloth bathrobe
I don’t often wear my satin one

I do want a better relationship with my Mother
I don’t cry over it any more

I do love Sushi
I don’t like liver (bluck)
I do admit to reading “He’s just not that into you”
I don’t mind hurting who ever laughs at me

I do love scented candles, oils and incense
I don’t like the smell of patchouli

I do love hot teas
I don’t like hot cider

I do love thunderstorms
I don’t like lighting hitting my house

I do love to cuddle
I don’t like sleeping with an arm under my head/neck

I do think I have made some major mistakes I don’t regret one of them.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006


I had such a wonderful time with my sister in Missouri. I spent Friday sitting by the lake reading a book. I moved inside after lunch when it became too cold to be outside. We had a chance to talk and laugh. She had a friend going though a hard time and we brought her into our fold and bonded with her as well. We visited St. Louis twice and rode to the top of the Arch on a very windy day as it swayed noticeably from the inside like being on a boat that moved with the waves only this ship is 630 feet off the ground. We even hit the casinos thought the excitement in a Missouri casino leaves a lot to be desired and if I were you I would wait till I got to Nevada. As I was preparing for my trip the thought deep in my mind was how I miss sisterhood. Now it is ever more present and in the forefront of my thoughts. Not just time with my sister by true sisterhood with other women who you can bond with at such a special and deep level. Don’t get me wrong I adore all the men in my life and love each one of them but the bond of women is different and I miss that, I yearn for the kind of time women spend together bonding souls. I don’t have that here and I have not had it in sometime. Perhaps it is what if any one thing is missing from my life SISTERHOOD. Libby said, “Well go out and get you some girlfriends” like you can find them at Target next to the candles. I wish it were so easy. It never has been that easy for me. But this is not my point. I want that bond like I had with college friends over late night cups of coffee at IHOP or glasses of wine while laughing till you cry on someone’s couch.