Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Shiney trinkets and Fire

Well here as of late it seems all one needs to get my attention is a shiney trinket and I am off to Never Land like some horriblely misguided gnome in a game of D&D. You know the one that gets you off the trail and untemiltity into a near death battle just becasue he saw something Shiney. I am very easily pulled away from the long list of things I need to be doing over things that I can do later. Like now I should be working and I am updating my blog. This is not good. But there is no one here but me. I have spent a lot of time just kind of day dreaming but not even using that time like I should to write down where I am off to in these wondering thoughts of mine.
I had a fine Christamas and that might only be because we didn't fight which for the Clan I come from is a feat in and of it self. We managed to spend a day in the same area as each other and not tear each others eyes out. We did our little family thing same thing we have been doing for twenty some odd years. We picked a movie which is never an easy task and then ate Chinnese food. We do open gifts and eat the same breakfast every year. We saw The Family Stone. It was funny it was sad it was a good movie then to dinner. After dinner we went back to the folks house and my sister , mother , and I played games while my Dad flipped channels which is enough to drive even unfocused me over the edge. I swear that every few min. that man was flipping channels over and over and over again I wanted to scream for two hours he went from channel to channel never stopping long enough for you to enjoy listening towhat he was watching. UGGGH.
Now for Fire I don't much like fire but it seems if my friend Stephlys had bit of it at her house for Christmas and the whole thing just made me want to scream so I am kind of lighting one here . I will admit to listening to talk radio if only to see what the narrow of mind are thinking today now most of the time they piss me off and I change the station sometimes I listen to see how stupid they are. I can not for the life of me imagen not being able to turn it off.
I am grateful to the Men and the Women who have choosen to fight in a war I do not agree with they are dying for the freedoms I use every day of the week. But I will be damned if this @%*@$^$ of President will remove my rights under the agenda of proteting me and my neighbor. I will not sit by and let you remove the rights of other citezins of this counrty. Holding people of another religion, race what ever is nothing short of ilmoral and illigeal and because we did it in WWII does not make it right. G. Grodon Liddy can think that it is OK all he wants to but what do you expect of a felon who did time for trying to cover up for another liar of President , Nixon. I am about ticked off I am scared that the leaders of My counrty are acting in such a way as to REMOVE RIGHTS!!! This is not Natiz Germany. Steplys honey I think your right. I agree with YOU !!! But as AMERICANS if we sit here and keep our mouths shut they will remove all our rights.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Let Me In

So I ran down to Chattanooga for dinner with friends last week and as I rushed out the door I grabbed this huge stack of CD's. I put in my Chely Wright CD and went back to the time that I had bought it years ago after a break up with a guy that just left me totally floored the song "Let Me In" just so spoke to me at the time the chorus: "Let me love you really love you. Open up your heart and let me in. I don't know who taught you not to trust. I'll be constant as the sun that shines above. Close your eyes and take the fall. If it's really love there's no risk at all. I can love you if you'll only let me in." I remember lying in the floor and just sobbing over the pain of this guy that just did not love me and I was feeling so sorry for myself and all pity me but this week it hit me who I needed to love me way back then was ME I needed to love myself. I was the one that needed to let me in. How far I have come and still how far I have yet to go. But I am not that same woman any more. I have learned to let myself love me more be happy with who I am and the turns my life has taken. I will never be done learning to love myself who ever is. But I have "Let Me In."

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


I have been pondering a great many things here lately on of them is some of the qualities that I admire in people because I number of my friends have been so supportive in telling me during my recent challenges what they find so admirable about me. People just don't come out and say hey I admire this about you and some of it is just a little petty jealousy but in a strange fashion it is a form of admiration. But if we took the time to just stop and say hey there
Stephlys: I really admire they way you gather people around you. You have a light that draws people to you. You have an abundance of friends that all would travel the end of the world to see you or come to one of your gatherings. You found a way to get through college on your own by your self with your own gusto. Sybi : You will always be the big wheel on the Tri-cycle the leader and have people willing to go with you no matter what. Kenn: Your so grounded no matter what you stay there. Ron: No matter what you have THE SNAPPY Come back. Libby: Well now you somehow manage to not her get to you through it all you just deal with her and don't let it get your feathers in a ruffle. And well now I have to get back to work I am out of time not out of admirations.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Just so you know

I keep trying to update my blog and it is taking over a day for it to come about I don't know why and yes I have gone into explorer and deleted cookies and my history several times and it still wont show up. I don't know what the deal is. But today is Wednesday and I tried to republish yesterdays post and it still did not show up so blah.
But the big so you know is although I am all for Organ Donation and I want a large portion of myself given away before you cremate me. I don't know that I want my face to be one of the things that gets donated not that I am attached to it , ok so I am, but that is not the point that I am getting at. It just seems way to weird. Very Scully and Mulder , Luke and Han, Jeerpers Creepers. Did anyone not see silence of the Lambs. Yes it has been the thing that Books and Movies are made of but it would seem like putting on a Halloween Mask that you can't get out of. I don't see this as being like a skin graft it's not it was the lips, the nose ick. So I might be dead and I know I will not need my face any more but they can't have it , it is mine and I am going to take it with me when I go. Not to say how totally brave is the woman who gave her face for this but not me nope.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Lord it's cold

Good gravy it is cold as the blue blazes out there. It is 18 degrees. Is that cold enough for you? It is way to cold for me and if I had only brought my work home with me last night I could be doing my work from home today. OK I would not be doing my work from home I would find something else around here to do other than work. I would be watching TV or cleaning so it is all the better that I go into the office. Yes, it is only 24 hours a week and only having one day a week that I have to be in the office I can set my own hours otherwise. I have tried to come up with a set I will be in the office on these days kind of thing and leave the rest for job hunting and what not. I could get really into this staying home and watching talk shows all day thing. But that is why I can't stay home.
I finally got my college transcripts in the mail so now I can really dig into looking for a full time job. I would really love to be able to leave Pizza Delivery behind me forever, we'll see. My Mother has suggested that I move back to Chattanooga and go back to school finish my degree there so I wont lose so many credits but I am not in the frame of mind for that right now it just seems so "not now" as opposed to "this is a good a time as any."
Today will be a hot liquid day I think I will go through several cups of tea today.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? I went to Hawaii !

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? My New Years Resolution was to be a better person this year than last I think I have done that.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Not to a baby

4. Did anyone close to you die? Nope.

5. What countries did you visit? Never left the USA

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? A DATE.

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? I can't pin point the every date but I know that 2000 Men and women have given their lives in our Presidents War.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I remained strong through it all.

9. What was your biggest failure this year? Not knowing when to say enough is enough and letting people take advantage of my good nature.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? None.

11. What was the best thing you bought? A ticket to Hawaii.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Mine I stayed strong.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Heather,Sara, and Carrie's .

14. Where did most of your money go? Car payment, house payment.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Going to Hawaii.

16. What song will always remind you of 2005? Heck I don't have a clue.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. Happier or sadder? Happier. Thinner or fatter? fatter. richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more? Gone out.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? sitting around.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? Here in Nashville with my family.
21. Did you fall in love in 2005? No

22. How many one-night stands? None, I don't do that.

23. What was your favorite TV program? TV? I like CSI.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't hate people but I sure as heck don't really like a few people anymore.

25. What was the best book you read? Did not do a lot of reading this year need to fix that.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Scott Miller and the Common Wealth.

27. What did you want and get? To go to Hawaii.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? I only saw like 3 movies and I only remember one and that was One of the Harry Potter movies.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I went paddling down the Caney Fork. I was 35.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Having never let those nutty witches live with me.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? Are shoulder pads still in style?

32. What kept you sane? The Great Spirit.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? OH it is too sad to say. But now I fanacy Vin diesel

34. What political issue stirred you the most? The bloody war and the bribe scandal here in TN.

35. Who did you miss this year? Jonathan

36. Who was the best new person you met? That would be my conversions with God Group their a pretty neat group of people.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: That I still am way to nice sometimes.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "Sunny days keeping the clouds away........."

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Giving Thanks

There are so many wonderful things to be thankful and I try every day to remember what I have to be thankful for. I am a blessed person. Though I am a few days late and the whole list will not appear and not in any order here is just a brief list of what, I am thankful for :

A God/spirit that guides me
My family
My Friends
My home
losing a job I was not happy at
I had kept delivering pizza after going to Hawaii
Getting to go to Hawaii
The warm sun
Cool wind
Wet water
Men and women who die for their Country
Bush only has 3 more years
Hot Tea
The Red Cross
The ability to care
The ability to learn from what life has offered me
Ice cream on a warm summer day
Good cooks
Good restaurants
Warm blankets on a cold winter day
Hikes in the woods
Shoes that make my butt and legs look sexy
that I don't have to wear those shoes every day
Good wine
My car
Lazy days at home
warm slippers
I am most thankful to be the person that I am. I like me and I respect myself I am thankful for that.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Now that is the Bright side

I tell you what I know for a fact now that things will be OK and that anything is possible at this point. Vanderbilt BEAT the Vols 28 - 24. It was the first win against the Vols in 23 years and took away the Vols chance for a Bowl Bid. I have always been a Vandy fan and I tend to cheer for the underdog so GO DOORS !!!!!
Everything else is fine no job yet but I am waiting for copies of my college Transcripts so I can use that info and I am doing well with money at Delivering Pizza. Hey the future is bright.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Half in the Saddle

Well I am up and heading off this morning to this part time job ,24 hours, a friend has for me. One of the Nurses from my previous job has a staffing agency and needs someone to do some administrative stuff around his office and some basic editing of his proposal to start his own facility for adults with developmental disabilities.
He has taken parts from other agency's Policy and procedures Manual and put them into his I get to go through and place in his agency name and the titles he will have for his employees. Later I will get into personal files and such. There is no one in the office but me and he said I could even work from home if I wanted to but I think the distraction here would be to great. But it is something to get me by. He did say that when things get off the ground and if I do well there could be a full time position for me however I am still looking for full time work with benefits.
Libby called last night and has taken a job at a camp in Missouri as a Program Coordinator and just in the nick of time as the YMCA has come to the decision to close the camp she is at now effective immediately. The area she is in is just beautiful but the Y in Knoxville is not willing to put the money it takes to a run the into and they would rather focus on the centers and programs in town. She starts her new job after Christmas and the Y is going to let her stay on the property till then. Well at least one of us has a job.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

I give up

I have sat here for over an hour trying to cut and paste links onto my blog following the steps it has listed and still I am doing something wrong and the new links wont show up. Any bright ideas?

Monday, November 14, 2005

Things will be just fine

I swear just when I think I have it all together BLAM I get knocked down again. I lost my job last week. I knew it was coming and I had so much else going on that I let things get behind and they caught up with me. I was not at all surprised and to tell the truth I was rather relieved that the whole thing was over. The day before I was let go my supervisor let me know how I should have been fired 4 years ago and why people let me think I was OK in what I was doing she had no idea that any other company would fire me with in weeks if I tried to do the same job. This after she looked me in the face and told me she had never ever told me I was not a capable person. I could write a nasty letter about her but one she is not worth it and two she is among this group of high up friends from an agency that went belly up that work for us and they are pushing out the noises makers to bring in their own and it has been extremely hard to work there for sometime. Now I just need to find a new job quickly. I have a friend with a staffing company and can pick up more hours with the Pizza Delivery , glad I kept that job after Hawaii. I am going tomorrow with another friend down to a State office to talk to people in the MRDD field and see what we need to do and the codes we should put in to get our applications processed faster. I am asking for prayers.
I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends your support and belief in me has meant the world and each and every one of you has help keep me going during the last few months you are the gold at the end of my rainbow. THANK YOU for all you do.

Monday, November 07, 2005

The new thought

My baby sister has been the greatest help to me when I was feeling extremely self destructive. I called her the other night when I was on the verge of calling an ex who is part of my most self destructive past and in no way is good news. She pointed it out. Called it what it was. I was looking for trouble, that is what I wanted to call it, which is not always a bad thing. Is it? I seem to find it by being kind to people who are bad news. I have never found trouble in the since that I have been to jail though there was that time in college we did avoid the police by hiding in the cemetery. I suppose we all have a self destructive side I just guess I am looking at mine in a new way. Calling it something new. It is all part of growing ,changing, becoming. What will I become when I grow up?

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Which way is .........

Which way is it that I look to add friends blogs here? Feeling better today but getting to leave work before I pass out because I am so tired might be the reason.
I am still feeling a bit down and wishing my house would clean itself. I am in big time need of a carpet shampooer so I clean my carpets and then maybe feel a little bit better about the whole mess. Slowly it is coming together. I am going to be looking for a new job and will be sending my resume out to the State of Tennessee to see if I can get some hits on it. Cross your fingers and some of you should be expecting phone calls Hey wait if they are going to call you will need your new address and number which was saved on my computer. kiss kiss.
I am going to plan a trip to the mountains soon I could use it.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Finding my way home

It has been quite apperant here lately that I have lost my way. I have really felt lost , scared , and pretty depressed. Though when someone set this blog up for me it did make me cry. I have not had the best of luck here lately and most of it can be contributed to my all around good nature. I have had a lot of people tell me to stop being so nice and to toughen up. Though I would think a number of people who know me would say that my big heart is my best quality. And I suppose that is what always gets me into a heap of trouble is I am often to kind. I am tougher than I used to be and I think I have come far but I can never see myself turning my back on humanity. So when I am taken advanatage of because of my kindness it leaves me reeling and shatters me and my faith in mankind. But I still don't want to give up hope in goodness , hope in people and hope in general. My kindness and hope is my home and I need to regain that.

Sunday, October 30, 2005