2007

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? This was a boring year.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Most Of them I did not have any money to manage better this year , I read more by joining a book club , I started and stopped exercising more times than I care to count, I am still working two jobs and that still sucks bricks, I did keep in better touch with friends and my house is cleaner this year . So I got about half and half this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Not to a baby.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Nope.

5. What countries did you visit? Never left the USA but I traveled far and wide in my dreams .

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? A vacation.

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why. I don’t know that there was a totally stand out date.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Letting go of the past.

9. What was your biggest failure this year? Not knowing when to say enough is enough and letting people take advantage of my good nature.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I had a car accident. Thank God no one was hurt.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Food.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?. I know lots of people who have had a wonderful year.


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? George Warde

14. Where did most of your money go? Car payment, house payment.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My sister moving in with me and our annual Labor Day trip.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007? Heck I don't have a clue.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? Happier.
ii. Thinner or fatter? Thinner.
iii .richer or poorer? Poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more? Hanging out with friends, traveling, exercising.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Working.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? Here in Nashville with my family.
21. Did you fall in love in 2007? No

22. How many one-night stands? None, I don't do that.

23. What was your favorite TV program? TV? I like CSI, NCIS,

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't hate people but I sure as heck don't really like a few people anymore.

25. What was the best book you read? Water for Elephants rocked and was this years favorite. I really liked A Thousand Splendid Suns and Run.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? I liked Paul Potts

27. What did you want and get? The greatest friends in the world. I am so blessed with a great group friends whom I would not trade for the world.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? I am Legend ( didn’t get out much)

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I went to Knoxville w/ my sister. I was 37. We do something every year for my birthday.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? To not have to rob peter to pay paul.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? Are shoulder pads still in style?

32. What kept you sane? The Great Spirit and the greatest friends in the world.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Vin Diesel can still eat crackers in my bed.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? The War , Gun Control , Equal Human Rights

35. Who did you miss this year? Jonathan

36. Who was the best new person you met? I met lots of great new people Shamus, James, Emily, Sherry, David, Anthony, Cheryl, and my friends from The Adsagsona Paranormal Society

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007: That I still am way to nice sometimes.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "Sunny days keeping the clouds away........."

Sense of style

Anyone who knows me knows I am not a fashion diva. I have always moved to the beat of my own drum and dressed in what is comfortable. Just because my clothes are out of style does not mean I will get rid of them. Yes, I know that shirt in my closet from middle school in 1984 is not in style but I can wear it under the sweater I still have from middle school. Right? Look I got rid of my sweater dress years ago. If I got rid of all my out of style and out dated clothes I would have wool slacks and silk blouses and some cute little black dresses left. My jeans aren’t even cool as my sister told me. But I suppose it is time to get rid of my 4 pair of stirrup pants. Yes, folks I still have stirrup pants I haven’t worn them but hell I can’t throw shit out. But now I have them in my Good Will stack. Along with all my old sweaters I guess 20 years for a sweater is a little long.
Now don’t get worried I am still going to march to the beat of my own drum dress a little odd have a sense of style that ranges from totally classic to bohemian to what the fuck Who would I be if was totally in style? Not me
But in the new year I will shop for clothes a little more and move to get rid of all my clothes from the 80’s and early 90’s if I get really daring then I will even get rid of the clothes from 6 years ago but don’t hold your breath.

She's here!!!!

One of my all time favorite people , my confidante , in the past my worst enemy. But , now one of my best friends. My baby sister has arrived in Tennessee and has moved her belongings into my house. She has left her job as a Program Coordinator for a year round camp in Potosi,MO after coming to the conclusion that she does not like the Midwest. She is unemployed and looking for work so if you have work she needs it. She has rent to pay damn it.
She and I have not lived together since I left for college some 18 years ago. We are no longer teenagers but grown women. I know that I am not that teenager any more so I know we will handle any differences we have differently than we did when we were screaming teenagers. Welcome Home Sissy.

30 inches

There is an article in today’s Tennessean (Nashville’s idea of morning news) about the State looking at how it would handle 30 inches of snow. Anyone who has spent even one winter in the South will know that they would not. The first thing the State should look at is how it handles 3 inches of snow.
Anyone not familiar with a Southern snow call it goes a bit like this.

Three days before snow
WEAHTER ALERT …………WEAHTER ALERT………… WEAHTER ALERT

Mr. Weather Man:
Snow is coming to the Nashville area we are looking at 2- 3 inches. Three days from now.

There is a MAD RUSH to Kroger to buy bread, milk, and staples for several days. There will be long lines at the gas station to fill up your car. Some people will return to the gas station each day to top off until the threat of the impending disaster has passed. With this kind of weather people will not be able to leave the house. The closer we get and the more they talk of the snow that is coming the worse it gets. Candles, batteries, and generators are hard to come by. We are all going to die. Block Buster has a run on DVDS there is not a new release or game thinga ma bob to be found. We are in this for the long haul. DON’T YOU KNOW!!! YOU could be trapped for DAYS!!

The Night before:
Across the bottom of the screen will scroll a list of the schools that are closed. YES folks they call for the possibility of snow and a light dusting at that and the area public schools close, so do the daycare centers, private schools, and a few businesses. Schools that do not close worried parents keep their children home for fear they might get stuck at school.
(Now albeit this is a reality it happened to me during the great snow sometimes in the early 1980’s they closed school at noon and I arrived home 12 hours later having ridden with a teacher I beat some of the kids that got on a bus at noon home. But as I recall there was something freaky about that snow)

When you wake up and there is snow you will find the mall closed. And nuts that should have stayed home out driving 10 mph and slamming on their breaks trying to get to work. HELLOOOOO don’t ride my ass stay ten feet behind me you fool. The military base at Fort Campbell will close. Yes FOLKS THE SCREAMING EAGALS THE 101ST Airborne. Can’t handle a little snow. And we give theses people guns

The city is out putting brine on the road some kind of salt mix. City buses are running their snow routes the extra shifts are called in at the police dept.

If you have ever lived in a normal city the shock of the events will kill you I swear.

BUT 30 INCHES here in Tennessee?!?! Would make Katrina look like a well run operation.

Sanity

Somehow I am not sure I know who that person is out of my group of friends. I think we are all a little off kilter. Some of us are more "normal" than others but we don't hold that against you Kim really we don't. We all love you despite the lack of insanity.
I get the feeling that some days I suffer from enough insanity for everyone I know, Except for Jon no one needs to be that crazy. But then I think we all have those days. It will be a bad day when we all go ape shit together. But that would involve tequila. We should all get together and test that theory. Who wants to join me?

Seven Things

Though I was not tagged to list 7 things you might not know about me I thought I would give it a shot. I am not going to tag any of you just check your blogs till you post it.


1. I have been known to listen to Conservative Talk Radio. I don’t agree
with it but I listen.
2. I am part of a Ghost Hunting Group
3. I have a Ball Gown in my closet just in case
4. I love seafood.
5. Caffeine triggers my migraines so I avoid it. This does not include
chocolate
6. I love to cook. One of my favorite things is to make bread by hand.
7. When I was a kid I was scared of the Sandman.

Putting a lid on it

I would like to be able to say that I have moved passed the overwhelming desirer to become a mother but I haven’t. I was all boo hooey last week sitting in my office crying over what I don’t have, A husband and a child. I know people are trying to be kind when they tell me about women having kids into their forties. But it hurts. It is painful.
I am lonely painfully lonely and it is not a pain right now that friends can fill. I miss the intimacy of being in a relationship. But then I depress myself even more because I like to think of myself as HAPPILY single but I miss being in a relationship and find myself lonely. I don’t know if that is a mix I can fully explain. I hate to even admit that I am lonely IT IS AN UGLY CYCLE. Round and round I go.
So here I sit lonely with the overwhelming desire to be a mother. Not a good mix. I know that I will move past lonely this is a phase. But the tick, tick , tick remains but for now there is a lid in my pain.

Reflection

I am always in a never ending state of reflection and when I am in my deepest state of it seems to be when I find the need to blog about it. I have been thinking about each one of you in the last few days and all the wonder you have brought into my life. I am lucky to have had great friends come into my life some are still here some have moved on.
I recently had to ask someone to leave my life. It was a hard thing for me to do. I said goodbye and am moving on. I am feeling this lose rather deeply and I am taking it rather personally. Because that is what I do. I feel deeply and take my friendships very personally. But it was necessary.
It does make me want to be back in touch with friends I have not spoken to in a while. Their numbers jotted down on scraps of paper that never seem to get into my phone. I lose track of the numbers and when I come across them while cleaning or working on my resume I say I need to put her number in my phone and put it someplace I wont lose it and well I have lost it again.
Well, name giver I think of you often. Even though I don't call. I think of all of you who have left your mark on my life. I have learned so much from what you brought to my life. People you meet just briefly. That random blog you come across. Even the person I have just in the last few weeks asked to leave has left a wonderful mark on me. Helping shape me into a new and better person. The joys and sorrows are all worth it. Thank you for being my teachers each of you. You are the wonderful reflections in my life.

zzzzzzzz

I have not been sleeping well. I wake up tired. Of course when you wake up at 3:30 in the morning and can't go back to sleep this implies not sleeping well. But I am sleeping. Is this a plus? I was up past midnight last night and awake at 7 this morning. I tried to go to go back to sleep. I miss sleep. That go sleep where you wake up and roll back over and go back to sleep. I don't drink caffeine so don't tell me stop drinking caffeine. Maybe I need sex. Or rain. Maybe sex while its raining then I will sleep like a baby.

Once again

I love my birthdays I am like a big kid telling everyone that it is my birthday.
I had a great one and spent the weekend hanging out with Libby in Knoxville and we had a blast. Went out on a Friends boat on the lake and got to just relax. Then On Monday the family went to the Melting Pot for my birthday dinner which is one of my all time favorite places to eat. On my Birthday I went out to lunch with my Mom and then home till my book club met. Shamus and Cheryl bought my dinner. Then Shamus took me back to his place and we drank way too much wine but I had a great time and enjoyed the good conversation. The next day I did not enjoy myself I was sick as a dog an all day sick. In fact I still feel crappy today. This birthday I am old.

The whole TICK TICK TICK thing has not gone away. It is still there and loud as hell. I am trying to ignore it. It is not working and I am blue as hell. However I hide it well. And only those closest to me would have an idea that I am as sad as I am but none of those people are around which in part is a good thing because they would worry me to death checking on me. Which would upset me even more and make me fake it more. I hate faking joy. Can't I just be miserable?


I joined eHarmony a while back and well ...... that is all I can say about that. I might just need to cancel it for right now because I am miserable and that is really not the time to be looking for the future Mr. Ferngoddess. I have meet a few nice guys but there was no spark. I might be too picky. I am afraid to ask because I really don't want to know. It might just push me over the edge at this point.

There was the younger guy. But that is well I just don't know any more what it is. I am hung on that and that is part of my problem too. I feel pathetic. So on top of being miserable I am pathetic which makes me even more miserable and my clock is still ticking loudly.

I found out today that the State may take up to three months to get back to us about our application to expand our services which means that I have to keep my second job possibly up until December or January. Just what I need at this point. Now I am depressed. I was so looking forward to quiting having weekends off and to myself. I HATE my second job. Hate it!! I wanted it to be over.

But I had a really good black bean soup for lunch today and my birthday weekend was pretty rocking.

TICK,TICK,TICK

Can you hear the ticking I can it is loud from within me it comes from someplace deep and it is like the noise of something you can’t seem to get away from when you try to sleep. TICK TICK TICK. Like the crocodile to Captain Hook it is there and I can’t seem to get away from it and sometimes I am afraid it will swallow me up and I will be gone, or at least a dream that I am so far of binging ready to let go of will slip off like a wave on the beach and there will be nothing that I can do to hold on to it as it slides through my fingers.
Birthdays that I used to find such JOY in looking back at how I have BECOME as I get older have turned to serve as a reminder to me of what I don’t have. It is almost as if now the noise only gets louder. TICK TICK TICK.
I put of becoming a mother till I had a husband, which I still don’t have, but the thought of saying I am ok if this never happens for me only brings up deep anguish and brings a pain like none I have ever felt to my heart and soul.
LOVE, MARRIAGE, FAMILY. Isn’t that the order of it all? The old lines that people say make me want to stab them with my fork, though that is not very Zen.
“It will happen when you least expect it.”
“Stop looking and then it will happen.”
But will it happen before my clock winds down and comes a screeching halt. At this moment I don’t want you to tell me how young I am and how women are having babies into there 40’s I am not those women. It is my pain, my emotion, and my dream that stays just outside my grasp.
With all this I understand why people don’t want to hear how it will all be OK. I want my pain to stop but I also want to live in it feel it get to know it as well as I know my joy. What is wrong with being sad feeling a deep pain that makes you want to wail like a dying animal. I feel so all alone in all of this as if there is no one else out there that knows what it is like to feel this wanting and pain when I know there is and each of our pain is real. But yet I weep alone in the darkness of my home and I have no one to share these feelings with and the darkness for me grows deeper when I want to reach out and lay my head on someone who owns my heart and wail. With them there to offer a comforting touch. But there is no one to hear the TICK TICK TICK but me.

Today I feel...

Yeah I think I have waited long enough can I tell him now?

Still kicking

After more than a month away I am going to stick my toes back into the blogging pool. I have fallen off the walking thing about two or three weeks ago. Yes, I am a loser I am going to get back at it tomorrow.

I have been five years without activity dating. I have had a few dates here and there but nothing I wanted to take someplace. I thought I had found someone I could date. All be it he was much younger than I am, I was going to give it go I had known him for 5 years and was excited about getting to know him better and all that wonderful stuff that comes along with being in a relationship. Comes to find he had not broken up with his Girl Friend like he told me he had he was still engaged to her. She intercepted an email I sent him about us getting together. I was upset I think more at losing a friend than not having someone to date. People who know me know that I am guarded and to have that used when you let down your guard is hard. But this to I shall survive. He is not the first man to have lied to me and lord knows he wont be the last.

I have joined a book club and am reading and getting out a little more. Not being such a hermit. I am still working two jobs though but I am trying to make some changes to my life and be more social.

Back to Jail with you

You know it is kind of hard to feel sorry for Paris Hilton being thrown back in jail when 1. She BROKE THE LAW. 2. She is a spoiled bourgeoisie princess. It is also hard because I am trying to be a kinder gentler person. And not find joy in other peoples misery. Is she miserable because she was caught. Maybe because she thought she was better than jail. I don't know I am not Paris. I think her show the Simple life uses two EXTREMELY SPOILED Women to make fun of people who bust their humps every day to do jobs that they are proud of or are just trying to keep their families fed.
Paris has never had to wonder where her next meal is coming from. Nor has she ever suffered the pain of being made fun of for wearing hand me Downs. She has never sat with her checkbook and wondered which bill will be paid and which once can wait. She has never had her parents look her in the face with tears in their eyes as they tell their child that she can't go on the trip she has dreamed of because they can't afford to send her.
But of course if that was me I would have been safer in jail my Mother would have beat me senseless. In fact she told me this over and over again as a youth. " If you ever get picked up by the police you had better hope to God they keep you because you'll be safer in jail then you will be here with me." To this day that is one of my biggest fears and it keeps me walking the straight and narrow. I still don't want to call my Mother and tell her I have been picked up by the police and I am 36.
What I want to work on is the bitterness I feel toward "the spoiled rich girl" who never had to want nor need for anything. I might have wanted for designer clothes. But my parents taught me VALUES I never wanted for that.

Post Cleanse ~ Change

I finished the Master Cleanse about about 2 1/2 weeks ago. Once I started eating again I gained 5 pounds back . But the whole Cleanse changed my whole mind set. I had been putting off making the changes I needed to get in shape because I am still working two jobs. I kept saying I would work on getting in shape once I was down to one. But the Cleanse changed my whole thought process.
I have started taking the few minuets I have each evening as I come home to make myself a healthy little dinner to take to work. I am making a whole wheat wrap w/ sun dried tomato paste , Romain lettuce, spinach, mushrooms, assorement of peppers and a little feta cheese. I am still working hard to get away from eating potato chips but I now packing an assortment of mixed nuts and tossing in some sesame sticks. I have avoid the drive thru since completing the Cleanse on nights I work. In fact I don't think other than Star Bucks I have done the drive thru.
I have also been getting up on Mon, Weds, and Fridays at YES the magic hour of 4 am and putting on my walking shoes and taking a walk.
For me the Cleanse was about shedding the weight but it ending up being about me finding a new focus. It helped put me in a place that I have been trying to get for the last two years. I have decided that the way I was living was not a reflection of who I want to be. It is not the way I want to live my life. I am focused on making changes.
It took my a few days to be able to put that down. Because I am so afraid of failure. I have written this all before about how I was serious this time about the change I was going to make in my life and each time I have found reason to not succeed. I have failed myself. I didn't want to put my intention out and fail again. Then the thought accord to me that if I was going to keep thinking I was going to fail then I was setting myself up to fail. I am not going to fail and I just have to change the way that I think. As long as I think I can't do it I wont. So here is to starting to change in mind, body , and spirit.

Liquid Gold

I swear I was so glad to have that big old drink of OJ this morning. I don't think Orange Juice has ever tasted so good in all my life. I lost a total of ten pounds. Yeah me. I made it as far as lunch and was feeling light headed and felt a head ache coming on so I went and got a bowl of soup and have had to spend the rest of the day trying to stop myself from making up for the ten days I went with out food. I gained a lot from the whole fast emotionally and mentally.
I did decide that if I can get up at 4am to drink warm salt water I can get up at 4am to walk and then eventually to run. I am going to get into shape and be fit again.

Master Cleanse Day 9

The only thing that stoped me from eating today is the fact that I am on day Nine and tomorrow is my last day. That's it. Nothing else. I am sick of salt water and the lemon aid. I am just going to get through tomorrow so that I can call it over with.

The Rainbow in My Clounds

Tonight on the 8th day of my Master Cleanse my mother and I went to see Dr. Maya Angelou. She is such a vivid presents. To say that she stirred my soul would be an understatement. The thing I think that I most carried away with me was her story of the Rainbow in her Clouds. She spoke of her Uncle Willy and how when she was young he would hold by his one good hand by the wood stove and make her do her times tables. In part making her who she is today having a positive effect on her life. Instilling the importance of knowledge in her. Upon his death she meet several people who her uncle had done the same thing for The Mayor of Little Rock and a Lawyer who was also a State Representative. Her point was that there are people in your life if they come in quickly or stay for awhile. But they are the bright spots in your life the glimmer of light. When I think of all the Rainbows I have had in my Clouds I think of all of you how each and everyone of you have brought light and joy to me . I love you all. Each one of you for what you have brought into my life and the lessons I have learn as a result. May you know who the Rainbows in your Clouds are thank you for being mine.

Master Cleanse Day 7

I am over this whole thing. I am tired of not eating. It is not that I am hungry the lemon drink is really helping but it is just the lack of variety I have had the same stuff every day for 7 days it has gotten old. I also don't think I am drinking as much of the Lemon Aid I should but I am just tired of it.

Master Cleanse Day 6

It is getting easier each day. I had to train a new staff for a few hours this morning and then headed back to Home Depot to pick up chain for my hanging baskets. Hit a yard sale on he way home and found this great little oak dresser that I am going to use in the foyer. I made it home and spent 3 hours working in the yard pulling weeds. I have plenty of energy. Though I have not been drinking the lemon aid like I should.
I am a big time sufferer of migraines I get them about once a month. They are often very debilitating leaving me in a dark room with a cold compress over my head and no sound anywhere because my hair hurts. Caffeine , stress, and missing a meal can be some of my main triggers I have not had one head ache. When thinking about doing the Cleanse one of my big questions for myself was could I complete the Cleanse without eating and without a head ache. Well I can safely tell anyone with the question about migraines that I was able to do it without one. I think the next 4 days will be easy as pie. ( ha ha I said pie, hot apple pie with vanilla bean ice cream yea).

Tomorrow though I am back in the yard.

Master Cleanse Day 5

Half way home. This is the official half way mark. Today was easy. I got hungry and my stomach would start to growl I would drink the Lemon Aid.

I did go to Home Depot this morning and bought two hanging baskets. Don't ask me what they are they are pretty and need lots of sun which the front of my house gets plenty of in the afternoon. The hooks on the porch are two small so I will need to go back and buy some chain to hang them with I also picked up a large FERN <> though I am not sure where around the front of the house I am going to place it. I have a lot of work to do in the front of the house to get the weeds out of my flower beds.

Master Cleanse Day 4

Today was tough. I did get down the salt water this morning, that was the easy part. I had some light headedness today and I was thinking OK if this does not clear up I will have to eat. But it passed.
My big problem is that I have been thinking about food all day. It does not help that my second job is delivering pizza and I have to see and look at food all night. I have also been thinking all day that this time next week I can eat my soup and then I am thinking of all the things I can chow down on when I am finished with the Cleanse. As unhealthy as it is a big huge cheese burger from Fat Mo's is high on my list then so is a salad the size of my head with Romain, spinach, red , green , yellow peppers, portabella mushrooms,white mushrooms, almonds, crasians and a little feta cheese. SO MAYBE I should stop thinking about food and I can make it through this.
I am going to read through my "Fields of Greens" Vegetarian Cookbook and plan my soup. I suppose a good thing about my thinking about food is I am also thinking how I can make changes in the way I am eating to be and live healthier than I have been in the last year. I have placed myself in a really bad place with my life style I am eating in the drive thru way to much I hope that with this I can learn that lesson and maintain it.
A plus is I don't feel weak and I have energy. As much as I do any other week. I am hungry and my stomach is growling

Master Cleanse Day 3

The Lemon Aid is still helping with the little pangs of hunger. It does not help with the oral cravings to put stuff in your mouth. I am having to fight that battle alone. I LOVE to eat. I find great pleasure in food the taste, the smells , the company weather it be alone or with a group of people. The salt water is still the hardest part to get down. Especially when the cramps kick in and I am still trying to get the rest of it down. Though they don't last long. I am getting up at 4A.M. to get it down and let work its magic so it does not cut into work.

Master Cleasnse Day 2

Well I am a tiny bit hungry but the lemon aid drink really helps with that. I think I have it down so that I am not using to much cayenne pepper and can drink it.
This morning I waited a while to get going on the salt water flush because I was cramping. Once it settled down I got most of it down.
I have noticed food and lots of it- on T.V. that I normally would not pay much attention too. It all looks sooooooo good. I have some left over mac and cheese in the fridge that is just calling my name. But I will clean out the fridge tomorrow and there will not be anything in there but lemons to catch my eye. I should have thought of this before hand. But hind sight is 20/20.
I have some friends and people I know telling me I am crazy for doing a ten day fast. Jon thinks I am going to die. My Mother thinks I am going to mess up my electrolytes. But I am fine so far doing great.

Master Cleanse

I started the Master Cleanse this morning. Its is a ten day fast. Me ten days without food. Be glad that you don't live near me. So far the hardest thing for me has been the internal salt water flush that is hard. It's like someone else said it is like taking a drink out of the ocean. Though I will tell you it is the events after drinking the water that is the most unpleasant.

OK it's 3:35 pm and going with out food has been hard so far and it is only the first day. I am hungry but the lemon drink is helping somewhat. I hate lemon water but you are supposed to add maple syrup and cayenne pepper to it so it is bearable.
I will keep you all posted.
(I still don't have that whole link thing down yet if you want it drop me a line and I will send it to you) .

Letter in a box

I was cleaning out the garage today and opened a box that I have not been through since I packed up before I left Signal Mountain in September of 2000. I had placed in it a love letter I had been given. It was the first love letter I had ever received. He was married and we had been friends. Just friends nothing more. Someone had started a rumor that we were having an affair and I had taken the whole thing extremely hard.
But, back to my letter. The day I got it I remember crying. Not just crying but crying one of those deep hard heart breaking kind of cries. That whale that comes from deep within, grief. I was just devastated. That the first love letter I ever received was from 1. Someone I did not love. 2. someone that was married that I would never cross that line to be with.
Today when I found it and read it again I was rather proud of myself for how much I have grown. I wasn't sad today when I found the letter just grateful for the chance to remember how far I have come. Today there was no pain only joy for the journey I have come through. Today I write love letters to myself.

Wishes on lessons

I was always taught that I should never wish on anyone that, that I would not wish for myself. Though here lately I have found myself wishing that some people get what they deserve. And not in a good way. I think Jon should be happy with his choice to move back to Nashville, Boho Girl and Boy should get the baby they so deserve and so on those are the good things I wish. But there are other people that I think should get what is coming to them for things they have done that are not so nice .I am eagerly awaiting their down fall. I know when it happens I will not get the satisfaction that I thought I would. Relishing in other peoples failure or misery is not what I want for myself. So I am putting out this wish for myself that I can only wish for the good for people. I don't want to waste the kind of energy wishing for ill for other people.
And maybe you could help me.
All this wishing brings to mind my own downfalls if you want to call them that. Each of mine has been a lesson I have learned from , grown from, I am a far better person for each lesson I have had to learn. I am grateful for them all , now. Though maybe at the time I had to pick myself from sobbing off the floor. I did and I grew.

Skeletons in the Family Closet

Families have tons of secrets mine is no exception. About a year ago we receive notice from a woman who said her Great Grand father was my Grand Father. She is our cousin.

My Grandfather had been married before and that marriage had produced a child. That fact that Grandfather had been married before was a old family secret. Ages ago while cleaning out the attic a letter where the first marriage was mentioned was found and later destroyed. There was NEVER any mention of a child. But what all it boils down to is we have a wonderful new member to our family Sherry. She came to visit after Easter with her husband. I wonder what other skeletons are in the family closet?

The Secret

Last night I watched the Secret with my Spirituality Group. OK we did not really get to watch it for some reason Betty's DVD player kept skipping and there were big chunks of it that we missed a two hour movie was turned into like an hour and half movie but I got the just of the purpose of the whole thing. Think it , want it , make it happen. Think positive!!
I have generally been a pretty positive person. But through this I see where I have some major room for improvement on my life. Not that there is not always room for improvement. But it is clearer to me now. I see myself working only one job. I see myself getting a college degree, I see myself with wealth.
Have any of you read the Secret? What are your ideas about it?

Tongue tied

Sometimes I feel like when I write I trip over my own words. I don't know if the point I am trying to make comes across right. I have never been a good writer.
Earlier today I commented on a blog. I was trying to convey that sometimes when people say things that may seem cruel or insensitive it is not out of insensitivity but out of a lack of not knowing what to say. Or a not knowing a person and saying what they would want to hear. Because we are all in different places in our lives and have learned different lessons. So if someone says " That is too bad." Or "It's God's will." alalalala. But I didn't say that. And I am not sure I explained myself well. So maybe I should not have said anything. I commented on the blog because this woman is so totally amazing and I have found such strength in her words and story. That was what I wanted to say...

I would include her link here but I still don't have that down.

Starting Clean

Washing my car at the car wash at Home Depot I loved the way the soap and the water looked as it was forced hard on the windows. I thought I would come up with some great metaphor for the way it looked and what it would mean la la la. But I am on that great road to hell. You know that old saying " The road to hell is paved with good intentions." I have talked till I am blue in the face about how I need to do this and do that I am going to clean house , I am going to exercise the list goes on. Well I am going to wash all that away and start clean.

Secrets

I have such a very limited amount of free time with working two jobs so when I find something I want to do that happens to fall during my time off I will jump at the chance to go and enjoy. Every Sunday I read through the PostSecret Web site
I have been checking on Sundays for over year. I also have one of his books , that Libby gave me for Christmas. A few weeks ago I had such a chance Frank Warren who authors the site and the books was in Nashville. I went to listen to him talk.

I used to say that I didn't have any Secrets then one Sunday as I read through the posted screts I found one that was mine. It was so deep that I never really realized that it was a secret. So I purged myself of it by sending the link to a few people with a note telling them to read down to cards 10 and 11. There you will find my secrets. That was over a year ago.
For the most part I have no deep dark secrets I am an open book. If you are a true friend then you know me. My Secrets , my heart.

A TIME FOR

Everyday at Noon I am part of a group that stops and takes a moment to meditate for Peace in this world. For our leaders. For us all. What do you do at Noon?

COOOOOOOKIES

THEIR HERE .

Table for One

I have taken to really appreciating myself and enjoying my time loving me. So again this year I made a Dinner Reservation at Mambu here in Nashville and took myself out to eat. I came home early from work , took a nap , then did a mud mask before taking a long soak in the tub ( OK not that long I am so impatient) while listening to some cool Jazz tunes. I painted my toe nails fixed my face and my hair and drove myself out for my Valentines Dinner. With me.

It is such a liberating experience and I enjoy it!!! I am in hog heaven.

I don't think I have ever realized the freedom of letting go of old feelings than I do with Valentines Day. I used to use this day to dress in Black and I would spend all day in what I called mourning. Because I was mourning the lack of a love life. But all that time I missed something , ME. Not anymore.

But I have a life and I have love. I love , I am love. My goal , my intention is to love myself every day like I have today. And always enjoy my Table for One.

HELP

If anyone out there in blogger land would like to explain to me like I'm a 5 year old how to add in links to the new blogger. I will be greatful. I couldn't do it in the old one either. But I got the whole picture thing down.

Track 29

Pretend there is a picture of a train here. I didn't want to steal one.


So if my plans go as I hope I will be in Chattanooga Wednesday Night for dinner with the my Gal Pals. Go me!!

Peace

There is something so peaceful about snow fall. Especially when I can sit home on my sofa and drink my tea and watch it out my window. This view is from my front porch as I went out to get my paper. It is going to be a great day to meditate and call Jonathon and wish him a Happy Birthday.

SPF

My button. One day as I work though this I will figure out how to put in links and such your lucky I got the picture here. But I did learn the other day watching some game show that the belly button is your very first scar.

Life's a Puzzle

Some days I totally get life and other days it is a puzzle. There are days I have blanks that I can't quite fill in and I spend my day looking for what fits in each place. I can sometimes go back though out the day and take another look and get what I was missing. And then sometimes I have to wait till tomorrow for the answers to come.

Here lately I have been having the strangest dreams I am not sure what they are telling me but they are some nights vivid well lite but last night I was in a crowded and dark house. Just one more blank to fill in I guess.