Tuesday, August 28, 2007


Can you hear the ticking I can it is loud from within me it comes from someplace deep and it is like the noise of something you can’t seem to get away from when you try to sleep. TICK TICK TICK. Like the crocodile to Captain Hook it is there and I can’t seem to get away from it and sometimes I am afraid it will swallow me up and I will be gone, or at least a dream that I am so far of binging ready to let go of will slip off like a wave on the beach and there will be nothing that I can do to hold on to it as it slides through my fingers.
Birthdays that I used to find such JOY in looking back at how I have BECOME as I get older have turned to serve as a reminder to me of what I don’t have. It is almost as if now the noise only gets louder. TICK TICK TICK.
I put of becoming a mother till I had a husband, which I still don’t have, but the thought of saying I am ok if this never happens for me only brings up deep anguish and brings a pain like none I have ever felt to my heart and soul.
LOVE, MARRIAGE, FAMILY. Isn’t that the order of it all? The old lines that people say make me want to stab them with my fork, though that is not very Zen.
“It will happen when you least expect it.”
“Stop looking and then it will happen.”
But will it happen before my clock winds down and comes a screeching halt. At this moment I don’t want you to tell me how young I am and how women are having babies into there 40’s I am not those women. It is my pain, my emotion, and my dream that stays just outside my grasp.
With all this I understand why people don’t want to hear how it will all be OK. I want my pain to stop but I also want to live in it feel it get to know it as well as I know my joy. What is wrong with being sad feeling a deep pain that makes you want to wail like a dying animal. I feel so all alone in all of this as if there is no one else out there that knows what it is like to feel this wanting and pain when I know there is and each of our pain is real. But yet I weep alone in the darkness of my home and I have no one to share these feelings with and the darkness for me grows deeper when I want to reach out and lay my head on someone who owns my heart and wail. With them there to offer a comforting touch. But there is no one to hear the TICK TICK TICK but me.

1 comment:

Lucia said...

Hi, I don't know you, but I really feel for you.

I'm glad your birthday turned out brilliantly.

Best wishes from a random reader in the UK