Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Fear and Loathing

Well I still can’t manage to write in my personal journal everyday. I used to make time each night no matter how tired I was to sit down before I went to bed and write, my thoughts and feelings about the day and the people in it. Then in the morning I would record my dreams. But I have not been able to do that for years.
I had a boyfriend who attempted to read it once and it really put a stop to me putting down my true thoughts and feelings it was a big betrayal and it caused me to just shove my feelings deep inside me. I also had a roommate at that time that I thought was reading it; things would not be right in my room when I came home. So I would carry it with me every time I left the house as to guard my deepest personal thoughts that I don’t share with anyone- the fear, doubt and what have you about myself and those in my life. Even though I had been given a beautiful Lap Desk to keep it. The whole thing had become tainted. As if my soul had been opened and looked into (without my permission) and I just don’t know if anyone should have that kind of access. It is like Post Secrets only it is not anonymous.
There is no one now to steal my thoughts, feelings, hopes and Dreams yet I still can’t move past all that. I can’t feel safe in putting down what’s inside me in the quite, alone at the close of my day. I know that there is a way past all this to let go of that fear. To again find comfort in putting what is in my being on to paper and in to words, and again enjoy this best part of the moments before I sleep like I did before. But those answers are deep inside of me and my biggest battle is to find the way at the end of the day to place it all on to paper and trust myself.

1 comment:

Robert said...

Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live…

— Dorothy Thompson