30 inches

There is an article in today’s Tennessean (Nashville’s idea of morning news) about the State looking at how it would handle 30 inches of snow. Anyone who has spent even one winter in the South will know that they would not. The first thing the State should look at is how it handles 3 inches of snow.
Anyone not familiar with a Southern snow call it goes a bit like this.

Three days before snow
WEAHTER ALERT …………WEAHTER ALERT………… WEAHTER ALERT

Mr. Weather Man:
Snow is coming to the Nashville area we are looking at 2- 3 inches. Three days from now.

There is a MAD RUSH to Kroger to buy bread, milk, and staples for several days. There will be long lines at the gas station to fill up your car. Some people will return to the gas station each day to top off until the threat of the impending disaster has passed. With this kind of weather people will not be able to leave the house. The closer we get and the more they talk of the snow that is coming the worse it gets. Candles, batteries, and generators are hard to come by. We are all going to die. Block Buster has a run on DVDS there is not a new release or game thinga ma bob to be found. We are in this for the long haul. DON’T YOU KNOW!!! YOU could be trapped for DAYS!!

The Night before:
Across the bottom of the screen will scroll a list of the schools that are closed. YES folks they call for the possibility of snow and a light dusting at that and the area public schools close, so do the daycare centers, private schools, and a few businesses. Schools that do not close worried parents keep their children home for fear they might get stuck at school.
(Now albeit this is a reality it happened to me during the great snow sometimes in the early 1980’s they closed school at noon and I arrived home 12 hours later having ridden with a teacher I beat some of the kids that got on a bus at noon home. But as I recall there was something freaky about that snow)

When you wake up and there is snow you will find the mall closed. And nuts that should have stayed home out driving 10 mph and slamming on their breaks trying to get to work. HELLOOOOO don’t ride my ass stay ten feet behind me you fool. The military base at Fort Campbell will close. Yes FOLKS THE SCREAMING EAGALS THE 101ST Airborne. Can’t handle a little snow. And we give theses people guns

The city is out putting brine on the road some kind of salt mix. City buses are running their snow routes the extra shifts are called in at the police dept.

If you have ever lived in a normal city the shock of the events will kill you I swear.

BUT 30 INCHES here in Tennessee?!?! Would make Katrina look like a well run operation.

Sanity

Somehow I am not sure I know who that person is out of my group of friends. I think we are all a little off kilter. Some of us are more "normal" than others but we don't hold that against you Kim really we don't. We all love you despite the lack of insanity.
I get the feeling that some days I suffer from enough insanity for everyone I know, Except for Jon no one needs to be that crazy. But then I think we all have those days. It will be a bad day when we all go ape shit together. But that would involve tequila. We should all get together and test that theory. Who wants to join me?

Seven Things

Though I was not tagged to list 7 things you might not know about me I thought I would give it a shot. I am not going to tag any of you just check your blogs till you post it.


1. I have been known to listen to Conservative Talk Radio. I don’t agree
with it but I listen.
2. I am part of a Ghost Hunting Group
3. I have a Ball Gown in my closet just in case
4. I love seafood.
5. Caffeine triggers my migraines so I avoid it. This does not include
chocolate
6. I love to cook. One of my favorite things is to make bread by hand.
7. When I was a kid I was scared of the Sandman.

Putting a lid on it

I would like to be able to say that I have moved passed the overwhelming desirer to become a mother but I haven’t. I was all boo hooey last week sitting in my office crying over what I don’t have, A husband and a child. I know people are trying to be kind when they tell me about women having kids into their forties. But it hurts. It is painful.
I am lonely painfully lonely and it is not a pain right now that friends can fill. I miss the intimacy of being in a relationship. But then I depress myself even more because I like to think of myself as HAPPILY single but I miss being in a relationship and find myself lonely. I don’t know if that is a mix I can fully explain. I hate to even admit that I am lonely IT IS AN UGLY CYCLE. Round and round I go.
So here I sit lonely with the overwhelming desire to be a mother. Not a good mix. I know that I will move past lonely this is a phase. But the tick, tick , tick remains but for now there is a lid in my pain.

Reflection

I am always in a never ending state of reflection and when I am in my deepest state of it seems to be when I find the need to blog about it. I have been thinking about each one of you in the last few days and all the wonder you have brought into my life. I am lucky to have had great friends come into my life some are still here some have moved on.
I recently had to ask someone to leave my life. It was a hard thing for me to do. I said goodbye and am moving on. I am feeling this lose rather deeply and I am taking it rather personally. Because that is what I do. I feel deeply and take my friendships very personally. But it was necessary.
It does make me want to be back in touch with friends I have not spoken to in a while. Their numbers jotted down on scraps of paper that never seem to get into my phone. I lose track of the numbers and when I come across them while cleaning or working on my resume I say I need to put her number in my phone and put it someplace I wont lose it and well I have lost it again.
Well, name giver I think of you often. Even though I don't call. I think of all of you who have left your mark on my life. I have learned so much from what you brought to my life. People you meet just briefly. That random blog you come across. Even the person I have just in the last few weeks asked to leave has left a wonderful mark on me. Helping shape me into a new and better person. The joys and sorrows are all worth it. Thank you for being my teachers each of you. You are the wonderful reflections in my life.

zzzzzzzz

I have not been sleeping well. I wake up tired. Of course when you wake up at 3:30 in the morning and can't go back to sleep this implies not sleeping well. But I am sleeping. Is this a plus? I was up past midnight last night and awake at 7 this morning. I tried to go to go back to sleep. I miss sleep. That go sleep where you wake up and roll back over and go back to sleep. I don't drink caffeine so don't tell me stop drinking caffeine. Maybe I need sex. Or rain. Maybe sex while its raining then I will sleep like a baby.

Once again

I love my birthdays I am like a big kid telling everyone that it is my birthday.
I had a great one and spent the weekend hanging out with Libby in Knoxville and we had a blast. Went out on a Friends boat on the lake and got to just relax. Then On Monday the family went to the Melting Pot for my birthday dinner which is one of my all time favorite places to eat. On my Birthday I went out to lunch with my Mom and then home till my book club met. Shamus and Cheryl bought my dinner. Then Shamus took me back to his place and we drank way too much wine but I had a great time and enjoyed the good conversation. The next day I did not enjoy myself I was sick as a dog an all day sick. In fact I still feel crappy today. This birthday I am old.

The whole TICK TICK TICK thing has not gone away. It is still there and loud as hell. I am trying to ignore it. It is not working and I am blue as hell. However I hide it well. And only those closest to me would have an idea that I am as sad as I am but none of those people are around which in part is a good thing because they would worry me to death checking on me. Which would upset me even more and make me fake it more. I hate faking joy. Can't I just be miserable?


I joined eHarmony a while back and well ...... that is all I can say about that. I might just need to cancel it for right now because I am miserable and that is really not the time to be looking for the future Mr. Ferngoddess. I have meet a few nice guys but there was no spark. I might be too picky. I am afraid to ask because I really don't want to know. It might just push me over the edge at this point.

There was the younger guy. But that is well I just don't know any more what it is. I am hung on that and that is part of my problem too. I feel pathetic. So on top of being miserable I am pathetic which makes me even more miserable and my clock is still ticking loudly.

I found out today that the State may take up to three months to get back to us about our application to expand our services which means that I have to keep my second job possibly up until December or January. Just what I need at this point. Now I am depressed. I was so looking forward to quiting having weekends off and to myself. I HATE my second job. Hate it!! I wanted it to be over.

But I had a really good black bean soup for lunch today and my birthday weekend was pretty rocking.

TICK,TICK,TICK

Can you hear the ticking I can it is loud from within me it comes from someplace deep and it is like the noise of something you can’t seem to get away from when you try to sleep. TICK TICK TICK. Like the crocodile to Captain Hook it is there and I can’t seem to get away from it and sometimes I am afraid it will swallow me up and I will be gone, or at least a dream that I am so far of binging ready to let go of will slip off like a wave on the beach and there will be nothing that I can do to hold on to it as it slides through my fingers.
Birthdays that I used to find such JOY in looking back at how I have BECOME as I get older have turned to serve as a reminder to me of what I don’t have. It is almost as if now the noise only gets louder. TICK TICK TICK.
I put of becoming a mother till I had a husband, which I still don’t have, but the thought of saying I am ok if this never happens for me only brings up deep anguish and brings a pain like none I have ever felt to my heart and soul.
LOVE, MARRIAGE, FAMILY. Isn’t that the order of it all? The old lines that people say make me want to stab them with my fork, though that is not very Zen.
“It will happen when you least expect it.”
“Stop looking and then it will happen.”
But will it happen before my clock winds down and comes a screeching halt. At this moment I don’t want you to tell me how young I am and how women are having babies into there 40’s I am not those women. It is my pain, my emotion, and my dream that stays just outside my grasp.
With all this I understand why people don’t want to hear how it will all be OK. I want my pain to stop but I also want to live in it feel it get to know it as well as I know my joy. What is wrong with being sad feeling a deep pain that makes you want to wail like a dying animal. I feel so all alone in all of this as if there is no one else out there that knows what it is like to feel this wanting and pain when I know there is and each of our pain is real. But yet I weep alone in the darkness of my home and I have no one to share these feelings with and the darkness for me grows deeper when I want to reach out and lay my head on someone who owns my heart and wail. With them there to offer a comforting touch. But there is no one to hear the TICK TICK TICK but me.

Today I feel...

Yeah I think I have waited long enough can I tell him now?

Still kicking

After more than a month away I am going to stick my toes back into the blogging pool. I have fallen off the walking thing about two or three weeks ago. Yes, I am a loser I am going to get back at it tomorrow.

I have been five years without activity dating. I have had a few dates here and there but nothing I wanted to take someplace. I thought I had found someone I could date. All be it he was much younger than I am, I was going to give it go I had known him for 5 years and was excited about getting to know him better and all that wonderful stuff that comes along with being in a relationship. Comes to find he had not broken up with his Girl Friend like he told me he had he was still engaged to her. She intercepted an email I sent him about us getting together. I was upset I think more at losing a friend than not having someone to date. People who know me know that I am guarded and to have that used when you let down your guard is hard. But this to I shall survive. He is not the first man to have lied to me and lord knows he wont be the last.

I have joined a book club and am reading and getting out a little more. Not being such a hermit. I am still working two jobs though but I am trying to make some changes to my life and be more social.

Back to Jail with you

You know it is kind of hard to feel sorry for Paris Hilton being thrown back in jail when 1. She BROKE THE LAW. 2. She is a spoiled bourgeoisie princess. It is also hard because I am trying to be a kinder gentler person. And not find joy in other peoples misery. Is she miserable because she was caught. Maybe because she thought she was better than jail. I don't know I am not Paris. I think her show the Simple life uses two EXTREMELY SPOILED Women to make fun of people who bust their humps every day to do jobs that they are proud of or are just trying to keep their families fed.
Paris has never had to wonder where her next meal is coming from. Nor has she ever suffered the pain of being made fun of for wearing hand me Downs. She has never sat with her checkbook and wondered which bill will be paid and which once can wait. She has never had her parents look her in the face with tears in their eyes as they tell their child that she can't go on the trip she has dreamed of because they can't afford to send her.
But of course if that was me I would have been safer in jail my Mother would have beat me senseless. In fact she told me this over and over again as a youth. " If you ever get picked up by the police you had better hope to God they keep you because you'll be safer in jail then you will be here with me." To this day that is one of my biggest fears and it keeps me walking the straight and narrow. I still don't want to call my Mother and tell her I have been picked up by the police and I am 36.
What I want to work on is the bitterness I feel toward "the spoiled rich girl" who never had to want nor need for anything. I might have wanted for designer clothes. But my parents taught me VALUES I never wanted for that.

Post Cleanse ~ Change

I finished the Master Cleanse about about 2 1/2 weeks ago. Once I started eating again I gained 5 pounds back . But the whole Cleanse changed my whole mind set. I had been putting off making the changes I needed to get in shape because I am still working two jobs. I kept saying I would work on getting in shape once I was down to one. But the Cleanse changed my whole thought process.
I have started taking the few minuets I have each evening as I come home to make myself a healthy little dinner to take to work. I am making a whole wheat wrap w/ sun dried tomato paste , Romain lettuce, spinach, mushrooms, assorement of peppers and a little feta cheese. I am still working hard to get away from eating potato chips but I now packing an assortment of mixed nuts and tossing in some sesame sticks. I have avoid the drive thru since completing the Cleanse on nights I work. In fact I don't think other than Star Bucks I have done the drive thru.
I have also been getting up on Mon, Weds, and Fridays at YES the magic hour of 4 am and putting on my walking shoes and taking a walk.
For me the Cleanse was about shedding the weight but it ending up being about me finding a new focus. It helped put me in a place that I have been trying to get for the last two years. I have decided that the way I was living was not a reflection of who I want to be. It is not the way I want to live my life. I am focused on making changes.
It took my a few days to be able to put that down. Because I am so afraid of failure. I have written this all before about how I was serious this time about the change I was going to make in my life and each time I have found reason to not succeed. I have failed myself. I didn't want to put my intention out and fail again. Then the thought accord to me that if I was going to keep thinking I was going to fail then I was setting myself up to fail. I am not going to fail and I just have to change the way that I think. As long as I think I can't do it I wont. So here is to starting to change in mind, body , and spirit.

Liquid Gold

I swear I was so glad to have that big old drink of OJ this morning. I don't think Orange Juice has ever tasted so good in all my life. I lost a total of ten pounds. Yeah me. I made it as far as lunch and was feeling light headed and felt a head ache coming on so I went and got a bowl of soup and have had to spend the rest of the day trying to stop myself from making up for the ten days I went with out food. I gained a lot from the whole fast emotionally and mentally.
I did decide that if I can get up at 4am to drink warm salt water I can get up at 4am to walk and then eventually to run. I am going to get into shape and be fit again.

Master Cleanse Day 9

The only thing that stoped me from eating today is the fact that I am on day Nine and tomorrow is my last day. That's it. Nothing else. I am sick of salt water and the lemon aid. I am just going to get through tomorrow so that I can call it over with.

The Rainbow in My Clounds

Tonight on the 8th day of my Master Cleanse my mother and I went to see Dr. Maya Angelou. She is such a vivid presents. To say that she stirred my soul would be an understatement. The thing I think that I most carried away with me was her story of the Rainbow in her Clouds. She spoke of her Uncle Willy and how when she was young he would hold by his one good hand by the wood stove and make her do her times tables. In part making her who she is today having a positive effect on her life. Instilling the importance of knowledge in her. Upon his death she meet several people who her uncle had done the same thing for The Mayor of Little Rock and a Lawyer who was also a State Representative. Her point was that there are people in your life if they come in quickly or stay for awhile. But they are the bright spots in your life the glimmer of light. When I think of all the Rainbows I have had in my Clouds I think of all of you how each and everyone of you have brought light and joy to me . I love you all. Each one of you for what you have brought into my life and the lessons I have learn as a result. May you know who the Rainbows in your Clouds are thank you for being mine.

Master Cleanse Day 7

I am over this whole thing. I am tired of not eating. It is not that I am hungry the lemon drink is really helping but it is just the lack of variety I have had the same stuff every day for 7 days it has gotten old. I also don't think I am drinking as much of the Lemon Aid I should but I am just tired of it.

Master Cleanse Day 6

It is getting easier each day. I had to train a new staff for a few hours this morning and then headed back to Home Depot to pick up chain for my hanging baskets. Hit a yard sale on he way home and found this great little oak dresser that I am going to use in the foyer. I made it home and spent 3 hours working in the yard pulling weeds. I have plenty of energy. Though I have not been drinking the lemon aid like I should.
I am a big time sufferer of migraines I get them about once a month. They are often very debilitating leaving me in a dark room with a cold compress over my head and no sound anywhere because my hair hurts. Caffeine , stress, and missing a meal can be some of my main triggers I have not had one head ache. When thinking about doing the Cleanse one of my big questions for myself was could I complete the Cleanse without eating and without a head ache. Well I can safely tell anyone with the question about migraines that I was able to do it without one. I think the next 4 days will be easy as pie. ( ha ha I said pie, hot apple pie with vanilla bean ice cream yea).

Tomorrow though I am back in the yard.

Master Cleanse Day 5

Half way home. This is the official half way mark. Today was easy. I got hungry and my stomach would start to growl I would drink the Lemon Aid.

I did go to Home Depot this morning and bought two hanging baskets. Don't ask me what they are they are pretty and need lots of sun which the front of my house gets plenty of in the afternoon. The hooks on the porch are two small so I will need to go back and buy some chain to hang them with I also picked up a large FERN <> though I am not sure where around the front of the house I am going to place it. I have a lot of work to do in the front of the house to get the weeds out of my flower beds.

Master Cleanse Day 4

Today was tough. I did get down the salt water this morning, that was the easy part. I had some light headedness today and I was thinking OK if this does not clear up I will have to eat. But it passed.
My big problem is that I have been thinking about food all day. It does not help that my second job is delivering pizza and I have to see and look at food all night. I have also been thinking all day that this time next week I can eat my soup and then I am thinking of all the things I can chow down on when I am finished with the Cleanse. As unhealthy as it is a big huge cheese burger from Fat Mo's is high on my list then so is a salad the size of my head with Romain, spinach, red , green , yellow peppers, portabella mushrooms,white mushrooms, almonds, crasians and a little feta cheese. SO MAYBE I should stop thinking about food and I can make it through this.
I am going to read through my "Fields of Greens" Vegetarian Cookbook and plan my soup. I suppose a good thing about my thinking about food is I am also thinking how I can make changes in the way I am eating to be and live healthier than I have been in the last year. I have placed myself in a really bad place with my life style I am eating in the drive thru way to much I hope that with this I can learn that lesson and maintain it.
A plus is I don't feel weak and I have energy. As much as I do any other week. I am hungry and my stomach is growling

Master Cleanse Day 3

The Lemon Aid is still helping with the little pangs of hunger. It does not help with the oral cravings to put stuff in your mouth. I am having to fight that battle alone. I LOVE to eat. I find great pleasure in food the taste, the smells , the company weather it be alone or with a group of people. The salt water is still the hardest part to get down. Especially when the cramps kick in and I am still trying to get the rest of it down. Though they don't last long. I am getting up at 4A.M. to get it down and let work its magic so it does not cut into work.

Master Cleasnse Day 2

Well I am a tiny bit hungry but the lemon aid drink really helps with that. I think I have it down so that I am not using to much cayenne pepper and can drink it.
This morning I waited a while to get going on the salt water flush because I was cramping. Once it settled down I got most of it down.
I have noticed food and lots of it- on T.V. that I normally would not pay much attention too. It all looks sooooooo good. I have some left over mac and cheese in the fridge that is just calling my name. But I will clean out the fridge tomorrow and there will not be anything in there but lemons to catch my eye. I should have thought of this before hand. But hind sight is 20/20.
I have some friends and people I know telling me I am crazy for doing a ten day fast. Jon thinks I am going to die. My Mother thinks I am going to mess up my electrolytes. But I am fine so far doing great.

Master Cleanse

I started the Master Cleanse this morning. Its is a ten day fast. Me ten days without food. Be glad that you don't live near me. So far the hardest thing for me has been the internal salt water flush that is hard. It's like someone else said it is like taking a drink out of the ocean. Though I will tell you it is the events after drinking the water that is the most unpleasant.

OK it's 3:35 pm and going with out food has been hard so far and it is only the first day. I am hungry but the lemon drink is helping somewhat. I hate lemon water but you are supposed to add maple syrup and cayenne pepper to it so it is bearable.
I will keep you all posted.
(I still don't have that whole link thing down yet if you want it drop me a line and I will send it to you) .

Letter in a box

I was cleaning out the garage today and opened a box that I have not been through since I packed up before I left Signal Mountain in September of 2000. I had placed in it a love letter I had been given. It was the first love letter I had ever received. He was married and we had been friends. Just friends nothing more. Someone had started a rumor that we were having an affair and I had taken the whole thing extremely hard.
But, back to my letter. The day I got it I remember crying. Not just crying but crying one of those deep hard heart breaking kind of cries. That whale that comes from deep within, grief. I was just devastated. That the first love letter I ever received was from 1. Someone I did not love. 2. someone that was married that I would never cross that line to be with.
Today when I found it and read it again I was rather proud of myself for how much I have grown. I wasn't sad today when I found the letter just grateful for the chance to remember how far I have come. Today there was no pain only joy for the journey I have come through. Today I write love letters to myself.

Wishes on lessons

I was always taught that I should never wish on anyone that, that I would not wish for myself. Though here lately I have found myself wishing that some people get what they deserve. And not in a good way. I think Jon should be happy with his choice to move back to Nashville, Boho Girl and Boy should get the baby they so deserve and so on those are the good things I wish. But there are other people that I think should get what is coming to them for things they have done that are not so nice .I am eagerly awaiting their down fall. I know when it happens I will not get the satisfaction that I thought I would. Relishing in other peoples failure or misery is not what I want for myself. So I am putting out this wish for myself that I can only wish for the good for people. I don't want to waste the kind of energy wishing for ill for other people.
And maybe you could help me.
All this wishing brings to mind my own downfalls if you want to call them that. Each of mine has been a lesson I have learned from , grown from, I am a far better person for each lesson I have had to learn. I am grateful for them all , now. Though maybe at the time I had to pick myself from sobbing off the floor. I did and I grew.

Skeletons in the Family Closet

Families have tons of secrets mine is no exception. About a year ago we receive notice from a woman who said her Great Grand father was my Grand Father. She is our cousin.

My Grandfather had been married before and that marriage had produced a child. That fact that Grandfather had been married before was a old family secret. Ages ago while cleaning out the attic a letter where the first marriage was mentioned was found and later destroyed. There was NEVER any mention of a child. But what all it boils down to is we have a wonderful new member to our family Sherry. She came to visit after Easter with her husband. I wonder what other skeletons are in the family closet?

The Secret

Last night I watched the Secret with my Spirituality Group. OK we did not really get to watch it for some reason Betty's DVD player kept skipping and there were big chunks of it that we missed a two hour movie was turned into like an hour and half movie but I got the just of the purpose of the whole thing. Think it , want it , make it happen. Think positive!!
I have generally been a pretty positive person. But through this I see where I have some major room for improvement on my life. Not that there is not always room for improvement. But it is clearer to me now. I see myself working only one job. I see myself getting a college degree, I see myself with wealth.
Have any of you read the Secret? What are your ideas about it?

Tongue tied

Sometimes I feel like when I write I trip over my own words. I don't know if the point I am trying to make comes across right. I have never been a good writer.
Earlier today I commented on a blog. I was trying to convey that sometimes when people say things that may seem cruel or insensitive it is not out of insensitivity but out of a lack of not knowing what to say. Or a not knowing a person and saying what they would want to hear. Because we are all in different places in our lives and have learned different lessons. So if someone says " That is too bad." Or "It's God's will." alalalala. But I didn't say that. And I am not sure I explained myself well. So maybe I should not have said anything. I commented on the blog because this woman is so totally amazing and I have found such strength in her words and story. That was what I wanted to say...

I would include her link here but I still don't have that down.

Starting Clean

Washing my car at the car wash at Home Depot I loved the way the soap and the water looked as it was forced hard on the windows. I thought I would come up with some great metaphor for the way it looked and what it would mean la la la. But I am on that great road to hell. You know that old saying " The road to hell is paved with good intentions." I have talked till I am blue in the face about how I need to do this and do that I am going to clean house , I am going to exercise the list goes on. Well I am going to wash all that away and start clean.

Secrets

I have such a very limited amount of free time with working two jobs so when I find something I want to do that happens to fall during my time off I will jump at the chance to go and enjoy. Every Sunday I read through the PostSecret Web site
I have been checking on Sundays for over year. I also have one of his books , that Libby gave me for Christmas. A few weeks ago I had such a chance Frank Warren who authors the site and the books was in Nashville. I went to listen to him talk.

I used to say that I didn't have any Secrets then one Sunday as I read through the posted screts I found one that was mine. It was so deep that I never really realized that it was a secret. So I purged myself of it by sending the link to a few people with a note telling them to read down to cards 10 and 11. There you will find my secrets. That was over a year ago.
For the most part I have no deep dark secrets I am an open book. If you are a true friend then you know me. My Secrets , my heart.

A TIME FOR

Everyday at Noon I am part of a group that stops and takes a moment to meditate for Peace in this world. For our leaders. For us all. What do you do at Noon?

COOOOOOOKIES

THEIR HERE .

Table for One

I have taken to really appreciating myself and enjoying my time loving me. So again this year I made a Dinner Reservation at Mambu here in Nashville and took myself out to eat. I came home early from work , took a nap , then did a mud mask before taking a long soak in the tub ( OK not that long I am so impatient) while listening to some cool Jazz tunes. I painted my toe nails fixed my face and my hair and drove myself out for my Valentines Dinner. With me.

It is such a liberating experience and I enjoy it!!! I am in hog heaven.

I don't think I have ever realized the freedom of letting go of old feelings than I do with Valentines Day. I used to use this day to dress in Black and I would spend all day in what I called mourning. Because I was mourning the lack of a love life. But all that time I missed something , ME. Not anymore.

But I have a life and I have love. I love , I am love. My goal , my intention is to love myself every day like I have today. And always enjoy my Table for One.

HELP

If anyone out there in blogger land would like to explain to me like I'm a 5 year old how to add in links to the new blogger. I will be greatful. I couldn't do it in the old one either. But I got the whole picture thing down.

Track 29

Pretend there is a picture of a train here. I didn't want to steal one.


So if my plans go as I hope I will be in Chattanooga Wednesday Night for dinner with the my Gal Pals. Go me!!

Peace

There is something so peaceful about snow fall. Especially when I can sit home on my sofa and drink my tea and watch it out my window. This view is from my front porch as I went out to get my paper. It is going to be a great day to meditate and call Jonathon and wish him a Happy Birthday.

SPF

My button. One day as I work though this I will figure out how to put in links and such your lucky I got the picture here. But I did learn the other day watching some game show that the belly button is your very first scar.

Life's a Puzzle

Some days I totally get life and other days it is a puzzle. There are days I have blanks that I can't quite fill in and I spend my day looking for what fits in each place. I can sometimes go back though out the day and take another look and get what I was missing. And then sometimes I have to wait till tomorrow for the answers to come.

Here lately I have been having the strangest dreams I am not sure what they are telling me but they are some nights vivid well lite but last night I was in a crowded and dark house. Just one more blank to fill in I guess.

The New Year

I am not going to do anything fancy. Just wish everyone a prosperous New Year. And leave a list of things I want to do different in 2007.

1. I want to manager my money better.
2. I want to read more and watch less TV( yes I had this one last year).
3. I want to get more exercise. This requires watching less TV.
4. I want to get down to working only ONE job.
5. I want to keep in better touch with my friends.
6. I want to keep my house clean.

I did it !!!

I have upgraded to the new blogger. Go me!!! I also got a digital camera for Christmas there is this picture of the Libbster I took Christmas morning lets see if I can post it. It worked it worked. Now lets see if she reads my blog and kills me?!?!?!

HO! HO! HO!

Well Christmas is like 5 days away. Now by the time blogger gets this posted it could be Jan. for all I know. I was given tickets to the Brooks and Dunn Show New Years Eve at the GEC. Why am I getting all these tickets to country shows and I missed all the cool shows this summer like Aero Smith , Def Lepard etc. I haven't got a clue. I still have no one to go with me so I might just give them back. Mother won them in a Drawing. They can redraw. Besides it is New Years Eve and the show is downtown. Nashville is plum stupid and at 11:00PM all the lights in down town go on flash so getting out of the area is a nightmare. When half of Nashville is leaving just after midnight.

A letter to Santa

Dear Santa,


I have been a pretty good girl this year. But no child is perfect right? I’ll do better next year I swear. But there are a few things I want:

I want a new President. The one I have now sucks. He has hurt a lot of people and murdered thousands.

I want a digital Camera.

I want no one else to die as we “forge ahead” let The President and his elves go over there with guns and play if they want to “ forge ahead” so badly.

I want Health Insurance I can’t afford it and eat too. Somehow everyone ever elected to a public office has free health insurance for life and here I sit with out it. I thought their job was to protect me?

I want a higher minum wage. $5.15 an hour is not a living wage but the boneheads in The Senate and Congress somehow get a raise every year. Minum wage has not been raised in Ten years. Can you fix this?

I want EQUAL RIGHTS for all humans. I thought I lived in America in 2006. How can hate laws pass in this day and age?

I want to meet Oprah she is pretty rockin.

I want the Tennessee Department of Human Services fixed why will we take dogs out of a home because it is to nasty for them but leave a disabled child?

I want to vote for once and not have to pick the less slimy of two candidates.

I want all the soldiers that are returning from “war” to not suffer the rest of their lives with nightmares about what they saw and did.

I want to be more peaceful.

And while you’re at it….

I want a husband too. A good one, not a used one. He must be kind, honest, generous, funny, employed, have a strong mind, be respectful, and have good manners.
He must be able to hold me when I cry and cuddle when we watch TV. He should be an awesome lover and he should not mind PDA’s such as holding hands, putting his arm around me, or sweet kisses.
He should understand the importance of being honest about his feelings and sharing them with me for this will be how we will grow.
He needs to remember the small things without me having to tell him. Like how I take my tea and how I order my coffee form Starbucks. And that flowers just because are the best. The big things to Like our Anniversary, my birthday and why ‘I’ll be home for Christmas’ makes me ball like a baby.
He needs to understand why walking in a gentle rain in the summer is where flash backs of childhood come from and new memories are made. He should be able to pick up after himself. Cook a meal and clean up. And it would be a plus if he could fix my computer I am gonna mess it up. Love , Fern

"F" WORD

Bush’s new “F” word phrase “forge ahead” is not the “F” word I had in mind.


Hear are a few better ones

Fatal
FUBAR
Fruitless
Flounder
Flub
Fizzle
Ferocious
Folly
Foredoom
Forbidding
Foolish
Fumble, Funeral. Got any more?

The Road to Happiness.........

President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56+ million people very happy."

How I would have done it

Though I am not going to bring up names of what the Title is about I am sure you all have seen the news and know the slimy Son of Bitch I am talking about. He does not desirve the attention he is getting. But it has made me think. I would have finished college when I had the chance. I have always used protection. I would not been so up tight. I would see where my fault lies in it. I would enjoy time with friends and not pull myself away and hide within myself. How would you have done it? Edited to add: Now we don't have to worry about how he would have done it. HAHA evil S.O.B. But still if you have an "it" as long it is not Murder. How would you have done it?

Stay at the YMCA

I am not as anxious today as I was yesterday. I am somewhat at ease. I talked to my sister who just got back from New York City Monday where she had a fabulous time. They stayed at the Y where you can get a room in Manhattan with the bathroom down the hall and bunk beds for $98 a night. She was right at Central Park New York is one of those places I have always wanted go, I have also always wanted to go to Paris, France (Not Texas not Tennessee), Swiss Alps, Colorado. I would just love the chance to travel. But for now a trip to the Mountains will do me good. Paris is a while off.
Where would you like to travel to?

Just a little.....

So I am a little over anxious! Why? You may ask. Well I am crazy for starters! my friend Stephanie had promised me a get –a- way. Not that she was giving me one but one where we all got together. Then she decided to go and break the sacred United Single Women pledge by getting married and we had to put off our get- a-way.
I am so over anxious that I emailed her the other day asking about getting together this March maybe May. It is not like we don’t have time we have plenty. But she has not answered me back. I mean what in the world could a newly wed be doing that she can’t answer my email immediately? I am going nuts. I don’t care if it is a girl’s weekend or a Couples and Fern weekend. Don’t care. But right now I am opposed to children being allowed.
Just a long weekend of talking, laughing, cooking, eating, hiking, playing board and card games, having a few drinks and morning tea as you get to watch the fog roll across the valley or mountain tops. I know I am pushing it. I am trying not to. I just want to get to planning; you know figure out if it’s couples and Fern or just a big gal pals thing. Start inviting People figure out who all wants to come and where we want to go. How big a cabin will we need? What will do? What will we eat? Who is doing what? OK it is a vacation I crave. I want one!!!! I am trying to breath relax let it come. But I feel like a kid at Christmas. I want to send my letter to Santa and know what is under the tree. I have 4 -5 months lord I am only going to make it worse. Any tips out there? I thought of banging my head on my desk. (SIGH). I’ll be ok. I swear. No pressure it’s all in my head.

Facts about Jon

I have nothing to say other than the fact Jon is a boob. He claims that I need no help in doing BAD THINGS. I laugh HA. He is evil I tell you all. Listen to nothing the man in New Jersey has to say.

Beating Hate

I was under no illusions that Tennesseans would allow All Tennesseans to have equal rights. I kind of knew that they would vote to allow The Constitution of the State of Tennessee to be changed BUT I am some what dismayed that it passed by an unbelievable 81.3% that is 1,414,562 Tennesseans who voted for HATE . They voted to hold down other people in the name of God.
This is why I don’t go to church. I believe in a loving and accepting God. Not a vengeful punishing God.
I am ashamed to be a Tennessean and know have total conformation why I will not call myself a Christian. I want nothing to do with them much like I don’t want anything to do with Child Molesters or Murderers.
Vote No still has a movement going and I plan to be involved. I remember asking my parents several times about the Civil Rights Movement. “Why did you let it happen?” I asked. “Well Fran that is just the way things were.” They answered. I am ashamed of them for letting things stay the way they were because that is how things were. I don’t want to give that answer to my children. I find it unacceptable. I will not stand for intolerance in the land of the free. We have set ourselves back years. It is a long fight for Equal Rights. I will not look at the next generation and tell them I did not do anything to stop it.

The Blame Game

I suppose at this point I could bitch about a whole slew of things in the world today or just in my world I have not blamed my problems and woes on any one in a long time. I used to take the time to hand pick someone and I would let them know that everything that went wrong on this day would be their fault. “Jon, today what ever goes wrong is your fault.” This also means I have to give him praise for what goes right. Tomorrow I’ll blame Robert and then I will take Friday. Just kidding. OK not really when I was a supervisor I found it as a way to joke with the staff and get their attention. You blame them for the stuff that happened while they were not there. But my plan when I sat down here was to do a rant about The President, The Government and how completely moronic they are Jon , nor Robert deserve that kind of blame they are after all a great guys. I would have to name names of people on my shit list, the ones that you do that old Southern grin and nod thing too. This however poses a problem they have not ticked me off to the point that I am going to tell them to Kiss the Little Red Devil Tattooed on my Lilly white @$$. Or I still have to maintain a civil relationship with em.
I have been working on being more peaceful relax, release, rejuvenate. In fact I was so peaceful earlier this week that I actually dropped a “Hello” to the Freak. Talk about release!!! Rather a big step for me. OK when I said hello it was to find out why his Miami Hurricanes started a brawl. But I was polite doesn’t that count for something?

Well I was going to do some rant on North Korea and why if they are a threat to us are we closing NORAD. But I am spent.

The Lesson

The death of five girls and the shooting of 5 others in an Amish School house by a man who was clearly out of his ever loving mind has shaken the world. But, what I learned what I found in all this is strength. The Amish have not only said forgive Charles Carl Roberts IV they have shown it, To the WORLD. The same days as this man took the lives of their children this community went and sat and prayed with his wife, children, and parents. Now to top it off they went to his funeral. I don’t know if I could show that kind of faith, strength, courage, or forgiveness. Could you?
Though it is a place I would like to be in my life to give out that kind true forgiveness. I have a few lessons to learn a few people I have to forgive. I think the whole thing is a lesson to the world to forgive, to live a peaceful life.

Little Black Pant

OK so I just saw a commercial for GAP and they have Kathrin Hepburn dancing around in her little bohemian girl out fit , which in it self is a sin. But they then announce “it’s back the little black pant.” Well so is my fat ass. Even if my fat ass was not back I could not for the life of me get into the ‘little black pant’ they are for those waif thin girls with out hips which I have in abundance. Don’t get me wrong I love my hips. It’s those waif thin girls that I want to sit on and break in half.

A Woman , her sister , and a River

Every Labor Day weekend for the last three years my sister, Libby, has taken me with her to an annual event. A group of college friends get together and take a day long 9 mile float down the Caney Fork River. Friends invite friends and the group grows. It is one of my favorite events and I look forward to it all year long not just because it falls on/around my birthday but because I love the outdoors and it is time with one of my all time favorite people, Libby.
I find the trip a great time to bond with Libby and to soak in the nature. We sleep in a tent in the back yard right on the edge by the river. For 2 days everyone eats, drinks, laughs, and talks. The hosts make everyone that walks through the door feel like they are old friends and welcome. This year as always Libby borrows tents from work. She was running late and just grabbed two tents, because she had invited friends, when she got to my house and pulled them out of her car to load into mine there were duck tape notes on each bag. Polls Damaged. It was funny to take two tents and make one. It was the funniest looking tent. The guys Libby had invited took the tent flies and made a little shelter using the kids swing set we dubbed it ghetto tent. But over all for having put them together in the dark we came off pretty good.
I love the area. The farms, woods, river it is such a peaceful place. So if anyone wants to buy a house on the river and invite me over I’ll come over and hang out.

Good Fortune

Three months ago I went out for Chinese food with some friends. The date was May 23, 2006. We finished dinner and our fortune cookies came I opened my cookie and this was inside - “ Remember three months from this date! Your lucky star is shining.”- I took my fortune wrote the date on it and slide it into my wallet right in front of my driver license. Mainly so I would remember. So yesterday was it three months from the date I got my fortune in my cookie. I had been excited to see what would happen. Well, yesterday was it and it was such a wonderful day. I can’t say that anything out of the ordinary happened but, the day was all-bright and I felt that way inside and out. Like I had, had some kind of major awaking and was seeing things in a whole new light feeling things differently. Like I had cleansed myself of old baggage and moved on. Was free from ties that had held me down and I broke free. Now I am done with my fortune and I offer it to each of you today so three months from today I want a report about your fortune that will be Thanksgiving Weekend.
“ Remember three months from this date! Your lucky star is shining.”-

Lil Libby

Libby was in town this weekend for her 15 year high school reunion. Time passes by so quickly. She is not only my little Sister but my best friend. I really like her as a person, I admire her and the work that she does. She is one of my all time favorite people. I got to spend time with her which I always enjoy. She invites me to hang out with her and her friends which she does not have to do which I can only assume is because she likes being around me too.
We had lunch at a Mediterranean Restaurant in Brentwood with her High School/ College Best Friend Terri and her husband Brian. Before shopping at Joann’s so she could hem a dress for her reunion then to Target where we each bought five in one strapless bras. If that does not top excitement I don’t know what does.
Today we had lunch with my parents and there Sunday School class. Then Libby and I met with Andrew, who grew up across the street from us, and David another high school friend at Fido’s. I LOVE MY LIBBY!! She left from Fido to drive back to Potosi and I miss her already. But, I will see her in two weeks every Labor Day Weekend she and I meet with another group of her friends and do a day long float down the Caney Fork River. We float, eat and drink until well past dark. Then sleep in a tent in the yard right by the river. I enjoy that. I love the outdoors.

Stroke of Luck

Some how when roommates leave me I enviably lose things and gain things. Dishes, appliances, Sheets and towels have both been gained and lost but one of the oddest things I gained were two cats. Tiger and Spooky, Tony’s babies. When Carl, Abe and their 4 dogs came to live with me for a month the back yard was a petting zoo. The cats are not allowed in the house because when Toby was alive the three of them had a difficult time with the use of their litter boxes so the cats were cast out of the house where it would not matter where they peed. The dogs and cats fought it out and one day Spooky flat decided he had had enough of this mess and left. Carl and Abe and their brood left at the end of May. Spooky did not come back. I assumed he found a new home or had been in a car accident This morning as I was going about getting ready for the day there was the familiar cry in the kitchen window of “ hey you there feed me before you leave.” I was getting to it I swear I was. I always do before I bolt out the door. I always look out the window and tell Tiger “ I’M coming”. I was going to get dressed before I went out. But today when I looked out the window there were two cats in the window. Spooky WAS HOME!!! I tossed my freshly iron clothes on the sofa and ran out the door to welcome home the Prodigal Son. I quickly petted him and poured food into the bowl. As he screamed to be fed. Gave Tiger a pet too. He is no worse for wear. A little thinner than he was but he is back. I was told once that seeing a Blue Jay is good luck and last week I saw one on my deck. If this is as far as that luck goes I can take it.

ON and on and on

Have you ever had one of those days that just drag on and on and on? This is one of those days. I swear I don’t think this day is ever going to end. I went out to lunch just to get out of the office today because I was so bored. Ran into my next-door neighbor Terry. It is hot enough outside to fry an egg on the sidewalk the air is not working in the office but the fans are keeping it cool enough. I have restless plant syndrome. I am making a run to Chattanooga tomorrow to have dinner with some girl friends and maybe brunch with another on Thursday. Hit Coolidge Park. Visit New Moon. I might even drive up Signal Mountain. I miss the Mountains. Say anyone out there want to help plan a long weekend trip to the mountains? My money is tight but I could find some if I could just get away. OK that took up like ten min.

The Ape

I had this really freaky dream last night and woke up feeling as if I had been on a bender last night but I had only met a friend who was in town for a late dinner and had a glass of water but the dream itself must have been what wore me out. I was being chased by a giant ape, King Kong, I was running and scared. I woke up at some point and thought it was an Elephant and then in the back of my mind was this voice that said “ No. it wasn’t” and I really had to think on it as I was trying to go back to sleep and at the same time I was fighting it. Till I remembered it was an Ape. But I woke up tired, beat, with a head ache. I am not sure what it means. But 14 hours later I am still worn out, even though I had a two hour this after noon.

It must be Nashville

It must be me or maybe it is just Nashville. But all the cool people I know are leaving town. First Steph , then Jonathon, Sybi and Tomorrow JW leaves to go back to New Jersey. Though I have never been to New Jersey I understand there is not much there to be drawn to. In all seriousness his kids are there and he has one hell of a great business opportunity. I can not fault anyone for that. Each friend has left for better things, family –jobs – or just the hell of it. My hope for each of them is that they are truly happy where they are. I do know other cool people and now I have a longer list of cool places to visit Phoenix , AZ ; Seattle ,WA ; Potosi ,MO ; Lebanon , MO; San Angelo , TX; St. Petersburg , FL ; Newark , DE and now New Jersey. But I love you all no matter where you are in this world. I am grateful for each and every one you. So to all of you today and everyday I send my love and the warmth of our friendship. Clean out your guest room I might be on my way.

Knocking

Apparently Aunt Dot is back from the brink of death yet again. It looks like she will live to die another day. (OK bad pun). At this point it looks as though another Aunt and Uncle that live in Atlanta are going to go ahead and go out of town for vacation this could mean that Dot will live or that Uncle Albert does not want to lose his deposit. We shall see.
Is my FAMILY the only one that is just INSANE? Quick hurry she is going to die. Well wait don’t hurry that fast she will die some day just not right now. Then my cousins wanted to deny her pain meds so she would be lucid when the last of her children arrived. The doctor had to insist that she be given something. The woman was in unbearable pain and these nuts were being selfish Bastards. PROMISE me this one thing when I am knocking on deaths door and waiting to see if the door will open. I WANT MORPHINE!!! I do not want to die in pain. I want to be in as little pain as possible. I don’t care who is coming or from where. If any one of you deny me drugs for your own selfish reasons I will come back and haunt your ass. I don’t mean the’ oh yea I have a ghost tee hee hee’. I am talking Exorcist, Amityville Horror; make you pee your pants kind of scared and if you move I will come with you. There so much for being loving and peaceful.

To End.....

I am such a lazy bum. I spent most of the day laying on the sofa I didn’t do crap today I left the house to get the Sunday Paper out of the driveway around 8:30 am and then I left to go to Dairy Queen to get a Blizzard about 12 hours later. I called in to Domino’s tonight I was not feeling well I anyway. I napped on the sofa for over an hour until my Mom called to let me know that my Aunt Dot has gone into the hospital and it does not look like she will come back out.
She has been this sick before and recovered. She has been suffering from a massive clot in her legs. And for the last few years has been unable to care for herself and has been living with my cousin and her family. The fact that she could be dying is sad yes but I am not brought to tears. It is that moving on to the next world, to the next stage in life is better. I THINK that the concept of my feelings might be hard to explain. I am relived that she will be released of her pain and of her earthbound body. Then move forward to the next stage of her life, what ever that choice is for her.
Isn’t there a poem about the Sweet Release of Death? I can’t find it of there is one. Why some deaths easier to take and others are leave you sobbing every time someone ask you “How are you doing?” I try to have this it is better attitude but some times it just freakin sucks. But for Aunt Dot today it does not suck. When her husband, my Uncle Frank, passed away I was at a church retreat with my youth group. He had been sick for a long time and had gotten much worse he suffered each day he continued to live. Our leaders had sent us off to pray once we had all arrived and gotten settled. I stepped over to a spot and prayed this prayer. “Please take away my Uncle Franks pain.” I happened to look at my watch it was 8:05 PM. The next morning after breakfast we were in a group activity and my mother walked in and sat down. I wondered why in the world she would be there. Libby made it over first and began to cry. I walked over to her and she told me that my Uncle Frank had died last night. “When?” I asked. “8:09” Was her answer. So tonight I will ask that same prayer for Dot. To end her pain.

Rolling in the mud with Pigs

What is the deal with you men? People ask me all the time why I hang out with gay men and it is because 90% of the straight men I know are freakin PIGS! I went out for drinks last Saturday night with a guy who was supposed to be my friend. I have told him repeatedly that I don’t want anything more from him than friends this is clear is it not? He has said he will take what ever I offer. On the way home he kept trying to hold my hand. I kept patting his and giving him back his hand. I was tried and had said this he kept trying to find a way to stay at my house like sit in the yard and look at stars, PLEASE! We get back to my house he walks me to my door I give him a hug and hey thanks for the night. The he gabs me again and does that head tilt lean in thing, OMG, I have to push him off of me as a pull my head back and look at him like he is nuts. I get him off me and step in my house say good night and shut the door and lock it.
What is the freakin deal? I am a nice person if you are a friend male or female I will bend over backwards for you. I will do shit just to be nice because I am that kind of a gal. I give my heart and soul to all my friends. I send you cards and buy shit for you just because I am thinking of you. It does not mean shit except hey I dig you as a person. Why do some men get this and others don’t? Why does one male friend get that when I buy his lunch and give him a cheesey card and gift that goes with the card get that we are friends and I am thanking him for a really cool thing he did and another think that because I listen to him that this means I want to sleep with him? If I were as nice to the second as I was to the first hell I would have been in major trouble?
HEY guy one favor lemon guy thank you for the RESPCT !!! It is so flattering to be treated that way by a guy and know that you don’t have to be on guard all the time. You are tops! I hope you know that. I was thrilled to find someone like you and call you friend.
GUY two drop dead!

Now I have more than two straight male friends, guy two is not really one anymore, there is the one that gave me money after I lost my job to make ends meet. He does not want shit. Except a place to sleep when he is hung out to dry. Thank you for the RESPECT.
Where are you guys the nice ones that don’t want to force themselves on me? Huh tell me. I need to get that Pigs, jack asses apply here tattoo removed from my forhead.

Beer and me

Last night I went to the Flying Saucer down behind the Union Station Hotel. It is a really nice beer hall I was highly impressed. I had been meaning forever to get down there and last night I had the chance. They have 77 beers on tap with a total of 222 that’s a lot of beer. The prices range from like $3.00 to $28.00 for a 22oz import. They even have a web site but who the hell doesn’t today beerknurd.com. One could make a goal to try all 222 beers in a life time but last night I tried three; two glasses and the waitress brought me a sample of another. I tried the Smithwick’s Irish Ale I give this beer an A+. The Left Hand Sawtooth Amber gets an A. And then the North Coast Red Seal Ale gets a B. Now I am by no means a beer expert but this is my grading system. I will say as far as class goes the Flying Saucer is a million time more classy than the Stone Lion ever dream of being but then there are port –a- jons that are more classy than the Stone Lion was of course this fact did not stop me from dropping by there now and again when I lived in Chattanooga. But the place did have a bladder bust night for a $1. If you are a beer drinker I say drop by and give The Flying Saucer a try they are a small chain and have 11 locations a small menu and a few beer shots.

Fourth of July

I guess like most holidays there are childhood memories that flash back and you travel back to a time and place where you were innocent and your only care in the world was the here and the now. I have such fond memories of the Fourth of July. Some of the families on the street I grew up on, out in south Nashville, used to get together have a cook out and set off fireworks.
My sister Libby, our father, and I used to take the drive up the road just outside the county line to Smyrna where we would buy our fireworks. It was a quick trip and Libby, and my eyes would grow big. Because we would want the big bang lots of color things that would put on a show and a big bang. Libby and I wanted the big package of firecrackers but Dad would only allow us to get the smallest one which had like 20 in it however, if you spent so much you would get another pack of 20 for free now this was cool. 2 small boxes of sparklers, a ten pack of bottle rockets, those snake things, of course Roman Candles, and a small variety of things that would shoot wonderful colors into the air.
The Picnic brought out what kids thought is the best hot dogs, hamburgers, chips, Cokes (junk food) then water melon, there could have been chicken and ribs for all I knew. We would eat and eat then start with the snakes and firecrackers before it got dark. Our dog Barnaby, a Bassett Hound, would get to sleep in the house he was terrified by the fireworks. As dusk came the things that made pretty colors like the sparklers would come out. Each family would sort of lay out their goodies and we would all take turns till we got to the GRAND FANALLY. To kids it was late and by the end of the night I would be so sick with all the junk food and having inhaled enough smoke from all the fireworks I would be throwing up. My Mom would get out of bed get a cup of water and a cold rag and sit with me until it was over. Then tuck me back into bed. It is my earliest memory of making a promise to the Great Porcelain God that I would never again mix such a concoction. But that lesson was not easily learned.

Tattoos and Saddnes

Well my Birthday is a few months off and I am a big believer in giving yourself a gift for your birthday. This year I am thinking of getting a new Tattoo. I got my last one 12 or 13 years ago as a gift to myself and I am thinking it is about time for another. For years I have thought about getting a Fern frond on my heel or ankle but I am now thinking maybe some thing a little more spiritual though I am not sure what.

I have been in a funk the last week or so and can’t seem to get out. I can’t find my happy place and I have been feeling really anti social. And lonely which is an oxymoron but it is my feelings. A lot of it could stem from the fact that Tony is not going to be moving back in he is going to rent a townhouse near the lake so he can go fishing on his days off and be near the lake. I LOVE Tony dearly he is one of closest and dearest friends. The kind you can call in the middle of the night and have him come running. I was hopping that if he moved back in I could quit Domino’s which I hate. Tony and I are a good roommate match and some how don’t drive each other totally insane. I don’t know what it is and I wish I had the answer now. I know there is a big answer coming but today I am rather out of sorts and a little ill.

If you could...?

I was reading an interview with Kyra Sedgwick and at the end they asked this question: If you could go back in time and give yourself advice -- how far back would you go and what would the advice be? I personally think it is a great question and I have been thinking about it most of the day. I think my life is pretty great everything I have done has made me the person I am today but what would I tell me. What profound lesson do I wish that I would have picked up on sooner?
I might have a few. But for now:

I would return to September of 1989 right before the closest thing I had to a little brother committed suicide. I would tell the then 19 year old me that it is extremely important to tell the people in your life how you feel about them. You should tell them that you Love them everyday/ every time you see them. I remember the long hug goodbye he gave me the last time I saw him , but I don’t know that I remember telling him that I loved him, ever, how he was truly part of my heart. I would tell myself that to late comes way to soon.

Now it’s your turn If you could go back in time and give yourself advice -- how far back would you go and what would the advice be?

Daddy

I have this great memory of my Dad from when I was a kid. It is something small but it brings forth a flood of a special time with Father and Daughters. The time was Sunday night and my Mother would be off to some special thing at church. We would all get in the kitchen and start to work on Piggy’s in a blanket, using Vienna Sausage, canned biscuits, and tooth picks. Once they were done we would get one of my Mother’s TABS and split it between my sister and me, Take our plates with a little mustard and Ketchup on it and go down to the den. We were never ever allowed to eat in the den; Mother insisted that we eat at the table much less have the TV on during meal time. We pulled out the piano bench and used it as a table. There we would watch The Sunday Disney Movie and eat our dinner and Dad would remind us that this was our secret and we couldn’t ever tell Mom that we were eating in the Den, because this event was strictly against the RULES. But this rule breaking event is one of my favorite all time childhood memories of time with my Dad. I want to relive it sometime soon find a Disney Movie , get my sister , send my Mom out of the house and eat piggy’s in a blanket once again in the Den with my Dad.

US Constitution

"Did you know…
The US Constitution is the oldest and shortest constitution of government in use. It was originally written on only four pages of parchment paper and contained 4,543 words, including all the signatures. "
To bad todays leaders don't know what it is or how to follow it. It might help if they would read it. That is if they can read.

DISGRACE

It seems once again that our terribly out of touch Congress has once again allowed its self to get a raise while a large portion of their continuants live hand to mouth. Minimum wage has been at $5.15 for ten years. Yet some how Congress is getting a fat raise for the sixth year in a row, for what I don’t have a clue. Their performance in no way merits an increase of 2% which is an increase of $3,000 which they call a cost of living raise. Where in the HELL is my cost of living raise? Over the last six years some how your cost of living has gone up but mine has not? How is that? How is it that in the last Ten years your cost of living has gone up at least six times but you manage to ignore the fact that people living in the areas you represent have a need to earn more? When is the last time one of you spent a full night and day in the average neighborhoods your district? When is the last time that you had to work for an hourly wage and try and feed your family? Pay rent and then think about health care? When? You are all a Disgrace to the hard working people of the United States and I suggest that you all start looking for a new job because as far as I am concerned you are going to need it!

25 Million

Men, Women and, Children have dies of AIDS. That is the United Nations estimate since the June 5, 1981 blurb in the Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report by the CDC according to an article in today’s New York Times. 25 years ago today the first note was made about a cluster of pneumonia case in 5 gay men. Since then 25 million people have died; that is a Million lives a year, 8,333 a month, roughly 2,739 lives a day, 114 an hour 1.9 a minute lost due to HIV and AIDS related illness. 40 Million Live each day with the illness. AND WE ARE NOT SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF OUR LUNGS.
The Great and wonderful Ronald Reagan ignored the spread of AIDS until 36,058 AMERICANS, that is citizens of the Untied States of America, had been diagnosed with Aids and 20,849 had died. His first mention of came May 31, 1987 after AIDS had spread to 113 countries. Jerry Falwell the founder of Moral Majority and a strong supporter of Reagan’s said “ Aids is the wrath of God upon homosexuals.” (SFGate.com Reagan’s AIDS Legacy Silence equals Death) For six years OUR Government remained tight lipped and silent.
Injustice is worldwide but we still choose to keep our mouths shut, sealed silent. Here in this Bible Belt corner I live we continue to argue over who is responsible to teach our children about the DEADLY consequences of unprotected sex!!! I am 35 years old and still waiting on my Mother to come out of the 50’s and from under her Bible and tell me about the deadly dangers of sex. While the Preaching of abstinence and the fear of losing the Love of God is something that appears to work in the surface the sad reality is that research from 2004 showed that 88% of teens who make the pledge end up having sex before marriage. Teens who have pledge abstinence are just as likely to STDs as those who don’t sign the pledge. However boys are four times more likely to have anal sex. And group wide they are six times more likely to have oral sex (USATODAY :Abstinence pledges may trigger risky sexual behavior).
When are the Churches going to learn that safe sex and abstinence can be taught hand and hand? The fact that the rate of Aids still grows in the Untied States today shows our apathy we will continue to die. Our friends, children, and loved ones are going to continue to have unsafe sex and AIDS will spread.
Each of us by now should have been touched by the loss of someone due to AIDS isn’t it time we stopped letting there preventable death sit silently on our lips. Whose death will you stop?

Cross my Path

It is amazing how people that cross your path in daily life in what seems to be small ways can have such a profound effect on your life and the way you think about the world. The guy behind the counter at the Gas station, the kid down the street, and the blog of the stranger you read, the people a family member works with. It shows you how small this world is that we live in and that someone else pain can make your own heart ache so deep for something that you thought you had come to terms with.

Small as our World is I think we forget just how tiny this world is, I had pushed it to the back of my mind until tragedy struck in Florida and three women were attacked and killed by Alligators. Rare and odd that they should be killed so close together but then the first one was the Sister of lady that works in the same department as my mother, odd the world is small but stranger still the third had a cousin that works in the same department as my Mother same place. We are all just a few degrees away each other. It is a Small World.
A blog I read has once again moved to touch my soul and remind me of what it is I want in this world what I seek. I in all honesty thought I had come to terms with the fact that I might never ever have children. I have even said aloud “ I have accepted the fact that I might not ever be a mother.” When today it became painfully clear to me that I have not at all accepted it when I read the blog of a bloggie friend , as she calls us. Her and her husband attempts to again get pregnant did not work. As I read her blog I knew in her first to sentences that she had gotten her period and I found myself sobbing for her and then for myself. I had this huge ache in my heart and felt her pain deep with in me. Because I understand what it is to want that, to feel that desire. My pain brings forth my deepest darkest most closely held secret to my heart and soul and I want to scream out when I think that I missed the only chance I ever had at Motherhood. That is my fear that I missed it. I always said I would deal with it all when I was ready and I guess today’s the day I face it all and stop forcing it all back inside to a deep place in the dark. The knot sits in my throat, tightness in my chest and I want to scream. Punish myself, well maybe I have been punishing myself for ten years and today I had enough.

Saying Good-bye

I have to let go of ONE of my all time favorite stores Galactic Gateways a New Age and Metaphysical Bookstore is closing. Its main store is only right around the corner from my house and the sites and sounds always made me feel right at home. Whenever I felt I was out of balance this was the local place I could go to recharge when I could not get to the mountains. I would often go and sit in the floor near the books and just relax in one spot or another. Sometimes I bought stuff and sometimes I just sat there. But I never felt alone or unwelcome but sounded by love. It is sad for me I grieve the loss and hope for the owners this is on to bigger and better things. I will miss them as a part of my community, I, will miss introducing people to the store and the sense of belonging I have every time I walked through the door. I thank Ackbar, Katherine, Karen, John, Sean, Ran, Bart, Mary and all the others that made Galactic Gateways part of my growth and part of my heart. May the spirit bless you all.

With Age

I don’t know how many of us remember being younger and listening to the older people around us tell stories about the way things were when they were young. We would roll our eyes and think I AM NEVER GOING TO TELL THOSE STORIES. But of course I didn’t think I would get that old because to be over 30 would be close to death. Now death in the next 30 years seems way to some to finish all I want to do while I am here.
It is hard to pin point when we went from typewriters to desktops to lap tops but it has all happened in my short life span and it really has not been that long ago for me but to some of the kids I work with at Domino’s it has been a lifetime. On Friday there was a typewriter cartridge that was lying on top of a file cabinet in the hallway. On of the kid who is just 16 ask me what it was. You know the cartridges the black semi square ones with the arms where the red and back ribbon comes, out and across the front of the black semi square. I said, “It is a typewriter cartridge” “How does it work?” He asked me. The old hit. This kid had never used a typewriter. He knew what one was but didn’t know much about ribbons and little arms hitting the ribbon to print your words.
Trash80’s seem so far away but it is not. We have come so far where will we be in the next 20 years? What is does tomorrow hold? What does our advancement mean to our future? What is it from all this we have gained? What has been lost? We can be tracked easier; for the parent of a missing child this can be a life saving blessing. To an American wanting privacy for its Government it is a curse. WE ARE CAUGHT! My computer has taken my places I never dreamed I could have gone and maybe a few places I am sorry we ever opened up.

From nothing to Something

I have started this blog today with the idea I have something to say and nothing comes. I don’t know that I would call it writers block It is just I am taking my lunch and have nothing better to do. My friend Jon looked over this used laptop I might buy told me I would not get a better deal for what he was asking but if I had more money I could get a new computer that was not an Acer. I have it but I also have debt I could pay off. I have been mulling it all over and I just keep going back and forth on the whole thing new computer, shut up Discover.

Carl and Abe will be leaving next week if everything with their closing goes well. I have enjoyed having them around it has been nice to have people to talk to every night. Plus the fact that Carl cooks dinner and cleans the kitchen I could get used to that. But what it has brought to mind is all those little things you don’t think about when you live alone that other people do that make you nuts. Now it is not just them it has been other people who have lived with me. You just plan forget those little things which add up to big things and cause a fight all because you could not say hey there Joe would you mind not parking your car on the lawn. You wait then blow the hell up with all those little nit picky things that are like fingernails on a chalkboard to you personally. I think it all goes form small to big and each person has his or her own limit of what is ok and what makes you want to find a bat and hit Joe repeatedly up side the head. Now just a few of mine are:

The way the dishwasher is loaded if you do it right and take your time you only have to run it once or twice a week. I am so picky I will go back through and rearrange all the dishes and fit them in there right. Thus making room for another day or two of dishes, maybe more.


The way the dishes are put up in the cabinet if you do this right coffee cups don’t hang on the edge of the shelf and fall on your head when you open the door. The plates should be stacked on the shelf by size from the smallest to the largest. ( I have very little cabinet space).

Turn off a light when you are done in a room.

I love sunlight leave the curtains open.

Don’t leave your sex toys in the common bathroom

Don’t steal from me
I HAVE MORE BUT LUNCH IS OVER. What are yours?

Do's and Don't s

OKAY so I am really into stealing ideas from other people’s blogs and I don’t even know this beautiful sprit I came across her blog while browsing through bogs and was just drawn to her and her sprit. Give her blog a look http://bohemiangirldesigns.blogspot.com/. But on with her idea that I stole from her Blog
Do’s and Don’t s I also here by challenge all of you to do your very own Do and Don’t List:

I do love baths
I don’t have the patients to sit in the tub

I do love the Mountains
I don’t care for the beach

I do miss smoking
But I don’t

I do love the quite in the house first thing in the morning
I don’t like a lot of noise

I do love card and board games
I don’t like video games

I do love plants and flowers
I don’t have a green thumb

I do need to be more organized
I don’t have a plan

I do want children
I don’t want to do that without a husband

I do love to cook
I don’t have time to eat it all

I do love the “Conversations with God” Series
I don’t like Romance Novels

I do love my terry cloth bathrobe
I don’t often wear my satin one

I do want a better relationship with my Mother
I don’t cry over it any more

I do love Sushi
I don’t like liver (bluck)
I do admit to reading “He’s just not that into you”
I don’t mind hurting who ever laughs at me

I do love scented candles, oils and incense
I don’t like the smell of patchouli

I do love hot teas
I don’t like hot cider

I do love thunderstorms
I don’t like lighting hitting my house

I do love to cuddle
I don’t like sleeping with an arm under my head/neck

I do think I have made some major mistakes I don’t regret one of them.

Sisterhood

I had such a wonderful time with my sister in Missouri. I spent Friday sitting by the lake reading a book. I moved inside after lunch when it became too cold to be outside. We had a chance to talk and laugh. She had a friend going though a hard time and we brought her into our fold and bonded with her as well. We visited St. Louis twice and rode to the top of the Arch on a very windy day as it swayed noticeably from the inside like being on a boat that moved with the waves only this ship is 630 feet off the ground. We even hit the casinos thought the excitement in a Missouri casino leaves a lot to be desired and if I were you I would wait till I got to Nevada. As I was preparing for my trip the thought deep in my mind was how I miss sisterhood. Now it is ever more present and in the forefront of my thoughts. Not just time with my sister by true sisterhood with other women who you can bond with at such a special and deep level. Don’t get me wrong I adore all the men in my life and love each one of them but the bond of women is different and I miss that, I yearn for the kind of time women spend together bonding souls. I don’t have that here and I have not had it in sometime. Perhaps it is what if any one thing is missing from my life SISTERHOOD. Libby said, “Well go out and get you some girlfriends” like you can find them at Target next to the candles. I wish it were so easy. It never has been that easy for me. But this is not my point. I want that bond like I had with college friends over late night cups of coffee at IHOP or glasses of wine while laughing till you cry on someone’s couch.

I did it .............

I am a certified Red Cross / Red Crescent CPR (Adult, Child, and Infant) First Aid, AED Instructor. I only have to observe a full class being taught , do what they call a teach back which is where I will take a section and teach it with an instructor there to coach me , then teach the who class under the watchful eye of another Instructor.
I really mess up my first teach section I did in class I bombed big time but was able to recover and do much better the next day. I still have a lot to learn and I need to get comfortable speaking around people but I think I can do it. I go back Monday to the Red Cross and watch a teaching session. I need to study my Instructor book this weekend just in case Jerry calls on me to take a section I want to be ready.
I also maybe just a tab crazy. Carl and his husband Abe are going to stay with me for a few weeks. They have sold there house and put a bid on a new one but the closing dates are off a few weeks so they are going to hang with me for a while. This will be a test to see if I can handle having roommates again.
What else oh yea I am going to Missouri to see Libby she is living about 70 miles south of St. Louis in a tiny little town there in the Ozarks . While there I am going to sit by the lake and read while she works on Friday, then we are going to head into St. Louis on Saturday and see the sights. The Arch, Bush Gardens. I might even try St. Louis Pizza which from what I have read is made with Provolone cheese. If anyone has any ideas let me know. I doubt I will be able to talk Libby in to a Cardinals Game.

New day

I did it Toby the Wonder Cat has been moved. I dug a nice deep hole and to avoid all the nasty details he is in it. I hope to stay. I don’t think I could do that again.
When I finished I had the shovel in hand so I go busy in my yard and cut down small trees that were growing in the fence, and then got going around my azalea bushes and pulled weeds and more small trees that thought that would be a good place to grow. I put a couple hours worth of work in out there and it felt good. I was able to put my mind on something else other than the grim task my day stated with. I feel better now and my arms and legs are sore from pulling and tugging on weeds and trees all morning.
The Sister is in town and we went over to friends of hers tonight and had a few beers and laughed and had such a good time. Sis was telling her “I’m scared of Owls “story and I was crying I was laughing so hard. I miss times like that with friends the laughing so hard you cry. Those are good times. I think it was a perfect way to end a day.

And you thought your day sucked

In August of last year, as some of you may rememebr, my cat of 13 years passed away one morning. I could not bring myself to see him or to bury him so the roommates I had at the time did it for me. They left soon after and I never learned where he had been buried until today. I was out mowing the lawn and I found his skull in a shallow grave. I am not sure what I should do at this point. There is a fence and woods behind my house and just tossing it over the fence does not appeal to me. I need to do something to honor him and keep it …. What’s the word? Honorable, sacred. Needles to say I need to finish mowing the grass to and not well you get the idea.

She has done it AGAIN !!

So once again My Mother has told me that she is proud of me. ME!! The shock is going to kill me. Today the Department of Health came back and we passed our survey. YAY ME. I busted my butt to get that stuff in order and it all worked out. I was so excited. When I called my Mother to tell her she said she was proud of me again. That is like twice in 1 month the last time she said it before this was the day I graduated high school. Maybe aliens have take over her body? Maybe she is mellowing with age? I don’t know what it is but I like it. I am going to take these things as they come and roll with the flow. Be open to her and her attempts.

Well this Friday I have gotten myself in a real pickle. I think it will be an exciting day it is just going to be a long one. I have to pick up Tony and take him to the Airport on Friday at 5:00AM and since I am going to be close to work I might as well come on into work and get some things done right?
Then I have a training class for my last State Train the Trainer class that starts at 9AM. This one class is only offered every three months so I have no choice despite that fact that I have plans already but oh well. Now my other plans I have volunteered to be a victim. No, I am not going out with one of my boyfriends again. The 2005 Emergency Preparedness Challenge is taking place both Friday and Saturday; I volunteered to be a victim for the excise. I was going to do it all day but because of the class with the State I can’t I will be there from Noon to 9PM it means I wont be delivering pizza. (I am heart broken, ok not really) but so I thought it would be fun to work with Home Land Security get an up close and personal look at just how unprepared they are to handle an emergency that they plan. I am not sure if I will use this as a form to let everyone know how inept they really are, I don’t want to give away tips to the Dark Side.