Death by Mexican Hat Dance

The last few weeks our game night group that was a book club and is an occasional dinner club with nothing but catching up has not met.
We were supposed to meet at Libby’s new place last week but for some reason she can’t get settled into her place in four days I mean what is with that?

So when GQ emailed yesterday to say hey Fran I miss game night what’s going on. I jumped in and said I would host tonight. I don’t know if you know this or not but I am the one responsible for getting everyone together for Game Night or what ever the hell it is going to be. I send out the reminder emails I keep track of whose turn it is to host etc. And I fell off task and let it all fall to the wayside. So when GQ emailed this morning to say I didn’t check with Jack and he has school stuff he has to get done I had a mix of emotions.

I was first very disappointed. I enjoy my time with them we laugh and talk. We tease one another and we are real with each other. That might explain why the group has taken on so many transformations. We are just friends who gather to do what ever. The last time we got together we never played one game we just talked. It worked well.

Second I was rather relived. I had not gotten to the store and was going to stop on my way home and put together the stuff for our Mexican Fiesta. I was going to make Chipotle Shrimp Tacos. But I was also making a list a mile long of Mexican dishes to do and had this idea in my head that I would be feeding a small army. I was thinking beef tacos, taquitos, and Enchiladas, refried beans, rice, and taco toppings too. I had assigned folks to bring chips and salsa, guacamole and queso dip. There were going to be FOUR people counting me. Who in the hell did I think I was feeding with an idea like that in my head? I mean really. I know I can personally eat my weight in chips and dips. But lord.

If I am going to cook like that my group needs to grow. I had even looked at making my tortillas by hand. Um when did I plan on doing this? Now I do have coupons for the taquitios and Enchiladas but still I was going over board or kill.

Maybe I’ll just make devils balls for this weekend. Now the question is do I cook salmon or still try and eat my weight in chips and salsa?

Of the things I am to old for

I learned this weekend it is those awesome road trips I used to take when I was young I am to old for. And I define road trips as being unplanned, not completely thought out. Which Jon who started this mess is good for not well thought out road trips. He is spontaneous.
Jon and his wife called me Saturday afternoon maybe around 2:30pm asking what I was doing for the next 24 hours. Once we made it through all the fore play with words. Jon informs me that he has bought a new motorcycle on eBay. Some Honda RC51 1000cc thing a ma bob. But it is Dallas. DALLAS,TX. I knew I could not drive down there and back alone. I asked him to find someone to help me drive and he did. We left out of Nashville at 1:30 AM and hit the road. We were held up an hour and a half around 6am for a wreck. If you don't know the roads in Arkansas suck bricks. At some random stop we did see the Oscar Mayer Winner Mobile. I failed to get a picture because I was driving. Sorry : (
We arrived at the Bike Shop in Dallas at 1PM. Though the bike Jon bought was not in freakin Dallas it was in FREAKIN Ft. Worth. OK not really that big a deal. Because that is why they call the airport the Dallas, Fort Worth airport. But I am giving Jon shit. Because I can and it is my job.
Jon's new bike is cool as hell.


Then we began our trip back home. I was supposed to be sleeping. As we pulled out of town I saw Six Flags



I could not get to sleep. But I did get a picture of Jon showing off on his new toy.



Still I didn't get any real sleep and when my turn came to drive I only got in a few hours of drive time in. My eyes began to cross and water. I was raising my glasses to clear my eyes. It was somewhere around Jackson that I got a new burst of energy and could see straight. I made just outside of Jackson before I was asked to pull over so I did not kill everyone in the car. At 2:30 AM and 1400 miles later we made it home. I got home and hit the hay and could not move all day Monday. I thought for sure I would just sleep late and go into work late and be fine. WRONG. Oh how wrong I was. I could not move. I took a shower with the intent of going out and grabbing some lunch surely if I ate I would feel better. I dressed and had to lay back down I went back to sleep. When I woke up again I tried to head to the door then I decided I should just order food. There is no way I could make it out the door that in and of itself took me 20 minutes. I ordered a pizza and passed out. When the pizza arrived I got a slice and ate half of it and passed out again. When I woke up 3 hours later I turned on the oven to heat my cold pizza ate the rest of my half eaten pizza and well napped again. I never did heat up the cold pizza and I still went to bed at 10 and slept all night. I was still a little hazy this morning.
I am not cut out for long road trips. That there kicked my ass.

The Good News!!!!

As promised I am finally going to tell what I have been holding onto and has been causing me to wain on staying at Domino's. We arrived in the office on Tuesday the Sept. 30 to find a letter from the State telling us we have been approved for to provide Personal Assistant Service (PA). YAY!!! I have been waiting on this since we submitted our application, Hell I can't even remember when it has been so long.

We are still waiting on a few things. A background check on the company's owner. We have to submit a new one for this. Then send in finical statements. But as things stand now we should be providing P.A. services by the first of the year. We might start sooner but my boss is leaving the country the for the Christmas Holiday and that could put us starting after the New Year. So it looks like the last few years of hard is is going to be paying off.

This leaves me now to explain what is holding me back from looking for another second job. Not that I have changed my mind about going out there and putting in an application . I haven't and I will be looking. I will be over all the PA's. So when there are staffing issues I will be the one responsible for dealing with it. Meaning missing work at job two for problems on job one. But, I will also be getting a big fat raise with the new PA Service. UGH life.

But that is the good news.

I sent two boats

You know that old joke " There came a great rain storm and Bob told his family he was going to stay at the house and God would save him.Bob prayed for God to save and protect him. After the water level reached the porch a canoe came but Bob told them , No I am going to stay God will look after me. Bob prayed for God to save and protect him. Later the water level was at the bottom of the second floor window and a motor boat came by. They tried in vain to get Bob in the boat but he told them NO God will save me. Bob prayed for God to save and protect him. When the water had reach the roof a helicopter arrived but Bob waved them off. Bob prayed for God to save and protect him. Bob reached the pearly gates and met God he looked at him and said God how could you I was a good man I prayed and yet you did not save me. God looked at Bob and said My Son I sent 2 boats and a helicopter what more did you want me to do? "

I have begun to think I am taking this approach with finding a different second job. Though today gas has finally dropped down below $3.00 a gallon in Nashville business is still slow and tips are off. I have made-up a million reason to stay most of them involve me not taking my job that seriously and I can call in and not get fired. The job is a cake walk. Three stores in the area have closed, they are all for sale , distributors are not delivering because they are not getting paid and some pay checks are bouncing. Where I come from this is not a good sign. The owner is selling because he did not meet franchise mandates. I joked to the manager that between the four days I go without working I am never sure if when I pull in on Thursday the store will still be open.
I am going to make it my mission in the next week to apply to at least three places. I am thinking Target, Best Buys, and Restoration Hardware. They will need holiday help. After the holidays well that is on my blog list and I promise to tell you the good news I have been sitting on this weekend. At some point , maybe , if I don't think of something else.
I am also going to call you and ask to use you as a reference so sit by your phone damn it and wait.

Do you know my Secret

Last Friday I took a somewhat rare night off Domino's for a double date. With two of favorite people GQ and Jack. As my friends and readers know I am a HUGE PostSecert fan. I love Frank. Not many people/ groups warrant a second visit from me but Frank and his secrets do.

Frank was at Vanderbilt for a Facebook event last Friday night and I called up my Mom and she got the three of us tickets.
We had a totally great dinner at BrickTops it was a little pricey but it was good. If there is one near you I say give it a try. In fact our waiter looked like Frank. I had a Chilean Sea Bass that was out of this world. The food was good and it was HOT!! As in I had to let it cool off so I could eat it. I think it is always a plus when you eat out and you have to wait for the food to cool. Means it has not sat in the window waiting to come to the table. I also had a pineapple martini not as sweet as I thought it would have been but not a bad little drink it is not sweet like a pina colada.

Post Secret started as small community art project in Washington, D.C. Where people mail in their secrets anonymously The rules are as follows: It must be something you have never told anyone and it must be true. Frank says there are two kinds of secrets those we keep from others and those we keep from ourselves.


I wont say that I am an open book but the people that I trust those that know me know what I have done that shames me. Know my dark fears. Know the things about me that I don't put here in the open.
It is the secrets from myself that get in my way. Since Friday I have been thinking what am I keeping from myself? What am I to afraid to admit? When I figure it out I'll let you know.
What Secret are you keeping?

Saving Receipts

In this quest of mine to save money I decided that this week I am going to start saving receipts I have not been doing so hot thus far. This morning I could not get a receipt for my gas from the pump and I was way too lazy to go in and ask for one. But who really wants to remember what they are paying for gas?
I also went through the drive thru at Chick-Fil-A and did not get a receipt I forgot to ask. I was thinking that if I could SEE the money I was wasting at the drive thru I might spend less. I don’t know what happened to me. When I lived in Chattanooga I made an effort to pack my lunch because I wanted to save money what happened to that woman? I never ate out and now I live in the drive thru. I had a plan and some how I lost that. We are all in a though economic time and I can’t get my shit together

So I am going to start saving my receipts to see what I am wasting each week. That is this weeks Nickel and Dime tip save your receipts. See what you waste.

I Have a List ….

I stated that I was going to start making list of blog topics. I have a running list of things that pop in my head to tell ya’ll. Right now there are ten. Count them 10. This post is not among them so I should be able to keep you busy for about 2 weeks more if I write like I usually do. There are all kinds of events coming up which make my list grow so I could in all reality keep you busy through the first part of 2009. Don’t let the shock kill you. There are much better things to die of shock over.

Speaking of shock nah I got nothing. I can’t decide if as I get older I shock easier or it is more like that whole Clay Aiken is gay shock. Where you roll your eyes and try not to choke on the sarcasm. I myself am not at all familiar with sarcasm never used use it. Some over educated dill weed of a therapist once told me I was using sarcasm to mask pain and emotion. I looked at him and said, “ya think?” But, I know that comes as a shock to you.

Though I think shock can arrive in many forms there is the

“JESUS CHRIST!!” shock, where the eyes bug out the mouth drops open and you just stand there in total stunned disbelief.

“HOLY SHIT!!” shock where you fall into a chair cover your mouth with your hand and shake your head back and forth and say “Shit/ Damn” over and over again.

“OH MY GOD!” shock where you are elated a huge grim arrives on your face you might jump up and down with delight.

Choke, Gag, Clang Shock This starts when someone makes an announcement in the middle of dinner that comes out of the blue but is typically followed by one of the above once everyone is done choking, gagging and dropping their fork. Like when your 16-year-old sister says in the middle of dinner “I’m pregnant, pass the corn.”

I think my last SHOCK was the great birthday gift I got from Stephlys I was like WOW!! The whole trip was a wow.

Other times I think the shock comes when I have devalued myself worth and I am asked to join in an event and I think “ME?” that is the shock I want to let go of the one where I am totally surprised that people value me.

Well this was a turn I was not expecting. Talk about shock.

What was that again ?

I have this horrible habit of coming up with what I think are great subject ideas to blog about. I am working at the office or riding down the road and I will get this great idea I will start to kind of process it and think about what I want to tell you worshipers. You know I will get an outline going in my head. I get all excited about it and then it is gone.

It is not like I am just losing Political ideas I am losing that Friday Night was great idea and how it was great. I will have several ideas going and none of them come make it here. Right now in my head I have like 4 going by in the morning they will all be gone.

I have come up with what I think is going to be a more favorable solution to keeping up with my ideas which may help me blog more often. I am going to jot my ideas down as they come to me. I keep a small notebook at my desk and in my car I am just going to have it put it to use . But knowing the way my brain has been working lately I will lose the paper.

Quote for the day

( borrowed)

"As this debacle continues, and CEOs walk away with boatloadsof cash, and the government is now considering owning banks, i am reminded of an old saying (source unknown)

If you put a government agency in charge of the Sahara Desert---it would soon run out of sand!"

Home Town Debate

I am watching the debate from my home town of Nashville, TN. I can't decide if I wish I was down there now or here at home where I am.

Nickel and Dime

Several years ago I saw this woman on the Today Show and she shopped for her family of 5 and would spend less than $20 a week. Give or take. One day last week I saw another story about a woman who feeds her family of four for about that each week. So I figured I could do this maybe not as well for many many reason. If you are going to only spend $10 to $20 week on groceries you can’t be as picky as I am. They say you need at least 2 hours a week to keep it organized

I.e. you have to be willing to buy the kind of soap that you have a coupon for. This is going to put a damper on my getting by with $20 a week.

This week after clipping my coupons from this weeks and last weeks paper I went through the sale papers looked at the sales. I went to Publix which has a penny mystery item every Sunday and Monday if you spend $10 or more I saved almost $12 and spent $81.00 but shrimp was on sale.

It is going to take a lot of work and a lot of planning but you my loyal reader will be kept up to date on how it goes.

Here are a few tips:

Here in Nashville Kroger gives you .04 cents off your total for each reusable bag you use for your groceries.

Publix has a penny item Sunday and Monday

Again with the Gay Agenda

I have a wide group of friends some closer than others but there are just some things that we just agree to disagree on. The ones who are more conservative we just don’t talk about the liberal agenda or the right wing rhetoric. One friend every once in a blue moon I will get something that clearly shows her right thinking. I just smile and at least know that the busy Mom of two young children is thinking of me. But another in this political season has been inundating my in box with VILE HATE FILLED right wing crap. Which I had been politely just moving passed until last night when I received an email about the “Gay Agenda” apparently MacDonald’s has become a member of the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce (NGLCC). The email from the American Family Association was asking me to forward a form letter to MacDonald’s in protest to this action of following the “gay agenda” and to begin a boycott of the restaurant. The only protest I had been planning of MacDonald’s is the one for my waistline.

Needless to say I flipped. Told her “McDonald's will definitely be getting more of my Business I would hate to think I had been supporting HATE MONGERS. I will call them and thank them for SUPPORRTING EQUAL HUMAN RIGHTS FOR ALL HUMANS WHICH I support 100%. Places that use hate and dissemination as a means to get business have no place in my life. I will call and thank them!!!!!!
If this is the kind of HATE and Vile you are going to send please REMOVE Me from you email list!!!!!!!”

Was that a little much? Could I have just done with this last email what I had done with the rest? Sure I could. But, people who use Christ as a means to spread hate just sticks in my crawl. They are the folks that keep me out of church. People who think their sin is less than someone else’s. Plus I am a big supporter of Equal Human Rights for all Humans. I firmly believe that if you think something it not right you should stand up and take action and not just sit on your hunches and say, “well that’s just the way things are” So she was doing what she believed in and I felt it was time that I do what I believe in. That said eat more MacDonald’s.

# 2

I have been seriously thinking of looking for another 2nd job. I am just fucking over the first 2nd job. I never in all my life thought I would still be delivering pizzas almost 4 years after I started. I wanted to have spending money for Hawaii so I decided to deliver pizzas to earn the extra cash I needed ok wanted to go and have a good time. When I came home there were bills I said I needed to pay off. Then I lost my job, my health insurance and my mind.

Some months, most months I was not paying off debt but just getting by. I have paid off my student loan and a few other bills. But gas is through the roof, business is slow, and tips are down. We went from needing 6 to 8 drivers on a Friday night to needing 3. With my hourly minimum wage and tips I have been thinking I can earn about the same thing doing retail work like maybe at Target or Dillard’s and save on gas without the ware and tear on my car. It is just a thought. Either way I have made the decision to keep working two jobs until the mountain of bills is gone even after my car is paid off. The question of course is where? Unless of course tonight is the night I hit the lottery then I will tell everyone to go to hell.

Old?

You know you are old when:

they are talking about Oprah and Phil and you think Donahue and not Doctor.


OK what do you have?

Pinheads and Sexism

Yeah yeah yeah I am slow and I have been meaning for weeks to post this but hell here it is.

Shock or Potatoes

I am not sure what I am more shocked by the fact that Clay Aiken "The Gaykin" came out of the closet. Or that people still think that voting Republican is the way to go.

So Clay is gay. It is like going yeah and...? I had the same reaction when my buddy Ricky finally told me he was gay. He told me he was was gay and I was like OK pass the mashed potatoes. Alright not really. I went
"It is about FUCKING TIME!!! What took you so long."

Then Ricky slightly teary eyed looked at me and asked "How long have you known?"

"Um do you really really want to know?"

"Yes, Ferngoddess be honest with me."

I took a breath "the day you came sashaying in to work."

" you knew the day you meet me?"

"Yep pretty much."

" But, I didn't even know then."

"It's a power, what can I say."


Really shock would be if my red neck truck driving friend Greg told me he was going to vote Democrat.

Or that George Warde actually kept his word now that would shock me.

38 is gonna be great

Last weekend I wrapped up a month of celebrating turning 38 , with the theme 38 is gonna be great. One of my very dearest friends flew me out to visit her and her husband T in St. Petersburg , FL. She is for all technical purposes the mother of "Fern" she gave me the name either because I stutter or she is hard of hearing. But I love her and I have missed her so we reconnected. This is how we reconnected



This is how we reconnected on Saturday

Not such a bad way to spend a Saturday! In fact I was so relaxed I fell asleep and woke myself up snoring. Which would make my personal statement I get more relaxed in the mountains make one wonder what I would be like if I was relaxed in the mountains.

We walked , ate , talked , and laughed.

T cooked for us he makes awsome pancakes and a mean pizza.




This is how we reconnected on Sunday. I woke myself up snoring again on Sunday. What can I say.

Stephlys I love you. Thank you for a fabulous weekend.

In sequester

I came home one day last week came into my room and stayed. I have gone out to fix a plate and come back to my room. I have just felt the need for some time to myself. I get that way now and again just need my own space. Plus I do have a birthday coming up this week and I always like to reflect on how I have grown and what I would like to see for myself in the months to come.

If things go as planned right now I will have my car paid off before the end of the year. This will be a HUGE weight lifted off me. Then I can focus on my other debt. With that comes the question. Do I quit my second job and just pay off my debt as I can or do I keep the second job that I despise and get it done quicker. I have been saying for the last year or so that by the time it is cold again I wont be there, by the time the holidays roll around I wont be here, by the time I need to wear shorts again I wont be there so when I had to go out and buy new shorts this season it hurt. Now I am moving back into the cold again I am faced with do I stay or do I go? I can’t quit until my car is paid for then I am going to have to reevaluate what needs to be done. As much as I would love to walk away from the second job I do have some semblance of good sense and will probably keep it until I get stuff paid off. I do have draw backs the price of gas has gone up tremendously, people are not ordering pizza like they used to so getting tips does not happen much. Here lately it is nothing to work 3 hours and only make 5 or 6 deliveries. This is not good. But again once my car is paid off I will look at this again.

Then I have the baby thing it is still there I still want one. The desire to have children has not gone anywhere and it is still not something I am willing to negotiate with a man.

The man thing well when you work two jobs and are busy on Friday and Saturday nights dating is hard. Not that I have ever been a dater. I am more a sit at home on Friday night kinda gal. However I want the option to go out go places do things.

So I am looking forward to 38 I for the most part like where I have come from and what I have done with 37

The R- Word

I want you all to take just a moment to look at this CUTE little video.
http://www.blueberryshoes.com/


For those of you that don't know I work for and with people with Intellectual Disabilities. They are the lights in my life and bring me such pure joy. I don't even see the "disability". Each person is special they are active vibrant members of their community. They are Friends , Co-workers, roommates. They volunteer in the community, go to church, shop , and pay taxes. They are perceptive. They laugh , joke and play. They marry and have families. And they have FEELINGS.

They are not as some have said to stupid , dense, or intelligent to know what was going. Words hurt and they know this.

Letting Go

Sometimes we all cling to the silliest of things. I know I do. I still have tokens for River Bend in Chattanooga I have not lived in Chattanooga for 8 years now why do I need these things? I am a pack rat. So last night when the seat busted out of my all time FAVORITE pair of comfy pants. The ones I come home when I have had a crappy day and put on ,the ones when I feel bad I put on , sometimes they are my bitchy pants and any woman out there should know what I mean. So I thought twice about what I was going to do sow them up and stitch up the other holes in them or let them go. But I love em the big question is will I leave them there. Good Bye Comfy pants I will miss you.

This is the day that has No end

It is not even Noon yet in my little part of the world and I thought for sure I would be home by now. Because there is no way I could have been here this long and it not be close to three. But it is not close to three it is close to noon and has taken for freakin ever to get this late. After being in the office an hour I looked at the clock and could not believe it just nine!! I was sure that the clock on the wall in my office was dying so I keep check my watch and the clock on the computer but no this day is moving at a snails pace.
What did I do for a day like this enjoy my weekend? Which by the way was a blast. I got home from Domino's early enough to see most of the Teams enter for the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics. Of course I cried. Libby and I waited as the United States Of America entered we commented to each other that many of the other countries that were all Asian , Black , White , or this or that but when the USA entered it was a little of this and a little of that. One team is all male because women have no rights ( IT IS FINALLY FUCKING NOON!!!) But we have it all a beautiful mix of it all and I cried. I am such a sap.
Saturday was my Adsagsona Paranormal Group Meeting we are planning a trip in October to Mountain City, TN to check out a B&B there. Once we all had gotten a room we talked about the cost things are tight for us all. We might be going some place else but we are in a wait and see mode. Due to raising cost we also lost our meeting space and we are all taking turns hosting at our houses. This months had a pool. So we all got in. Sad to say but this was the first time I have been in a swim suit all summer.
I had gotten my hands on passes to Nashville Shores (Hermitage Landing). One of my friends GQ had his kids for summer so I went with GQ, his partner Jack and the three kids. This would make twice this year I was in a swim suit. TWO DAYS IN A ROW. We had such fun. I had not been at Nashville Shores since I was small. The slides were a blast. I will say with younger folk it works best to do one adult one child.
I have no excuse for my lack of posting I keep saying I'll do it but now I am doing it. So there.
I have some really really exciting stuff coming up and I most defiantly will be writing about that. There should be a great post tomorrow about shrimp.

Back in the dating scene

So here I am back in the dating scene. As I have told you all before I am doing Plenty of Fish. I had a much wider range set up for men and was getting emails from men in their 50’s not that 50 is old because it is not. Not as old as 37 seemed when I was 18. But 50-year-old men don’t want kids. They have theirs. I take a look at the profiles and see these men state all my kids are over 18 and they have Grandkids. Younger men well they tend to lack maturity.

It is not like it is not clear on my profile. They have a spot for the question. Do you want kids? Mine says YES. I frankly don’t want to waste my time with a man that doesn’t want kids. I don’t mind a man with kids I know for a fact that I can and will love a man’s kids as if they were mine. The fact of the matter is I will never ever be their Mother. But, that burning desire to have my own kids to be a Mom is still there. I feel I have to continue to reassess what I want to get the other.

Am I willing to give up on kids of my own so I can have a husband? My answer is clearly NO. This does not make the pain any less and it does not make it any easier. I still feel like I am missing something in my life when I see people with kids. There are no other things when children are something you want.

Often times the whole self-assured independent woman thing is bullshit, an act that I have perfected over the years. Some days I don’t enjoy being alone. Sometimes all I want to do is lie in a ball and cry because I can’t seem to get it right. To find the mix with someone that is suited for us both. I feel like a failure as a woman. When I know full well that the fact I am not in relationship does say anything about my success as a woman.

I suppose what has made this harder this time around is some of things that a few of the men have said to me. And believe me they are not things I have not said to myself and all in all it means that someone had the balls or the lack of couth to say it out loud. “Don’t you know that the fact you have not been in a relationship in so long is going to make men ask what is wrong with you? I mean that is what I am asking myself.” “What’s is wrong that you have not been in a relationship in so long?”

My answer is “ Dating has just not been a priority for me.” It doesn’t make the truth in the question sting any less. “What’s wrong with you?” I am not sure it hurts any less now than it did when I was younger. I am just more aware of a time limit now. The hot flashes don’t help.

I am selective though my track record does not show that. I just can’t seem to find a balance in this war in my head and heart.

1-800-SUICIDE

That's all I have to say about that.

OUT OF FOCUS

I have to admit that my mind has not been very focused the last few weeks. I know some of you are thinking that my mind is never really very focused well you can kiss the little RED DEVIL TATTOOED On my …………………….

Ok back on track. I signed up for Plenty Of Fish (POF). My buddy KB made the suggestion. Yes he is the same guy I saw for a while. We are good friends and he sent me there. I am not sure weather I should thank him or take out a hit on him. I know where he lives. Look out there KB.

So I am doing POF and having men on the first date/ meeting what ever you want to call it grabbing a handful of my ass, which I find to be totally out of line. He did offer to grab my breast the next time and I offered to punch him in the face. Then there was the guy who ran after he met me. Yes, folks he could not get away from me fast enough and bolted back to his car. He did at least say hello and shake my hand. This could be why I have not dated in years.

I have answered the phone when I should not have. I am weak what can I say. I just had to know what it was he had to say. Which means that I have got to keep my mouth shut about the friend of a certain little sister of mine and now be all-nice and eat crow. Which makes me want to GAG!! Because how in the Hell can I tell her what an awful life-damaging mistake I think she is making when I am doing the same thing. AGHHHHHHHH. So there is this rule that when you are making a mess of your own life you can’t tell others that they are making a mess of theirs. Unless of course you are totally delusional. It might be easier to be delusional we do that well in my family.

Over Father’s Day the discussion got around to employment verification, which is one of my job duties. I was talking about the employment verification site The Work Number. Which a number of companies have moved to use in an effort to save time and la la la what ever. I happened to mention that Vanderbilt was using this site. The Work Number charges for each employment verification that you do. Or you can pay this lump fee and get X number a month. Well my agency is very small so we would lose money buying in lump so the company has to pay $18 for each verification we do. I was told I was wrong. That is not the way Vanderbilt does things. They do not use that site. I tried to calmly explain that was where HR had directed me. “Nope can’t be, must just be for nurses” “You just send me the information and I’ll check that out. I’ll get to the bottom of it” (meaning I am going to prove you wrong) I sent her the link earlier this week.

The ICING ON THE CAKE, the coup de grace I received this email from my mother Wednesday that said, “You are right! We are following up with the head of HR.” Well no shit I was right I knew I was right when I told you. You are the one who sat there telling me that I was wrong and did not know my job. You are the one that was telling me surely I must have been doing something wrong. You are the one that would go and look if I told you the house was on fire before you would make your exit. So in my 37 some odd years this makes like 3 times I have been allowed to be right. Of course after she checks out my story. If you don’t know this means that the world is coming to a cataclysmic end. I KNOW MY JOB!!! I am not a moron. I SWEAR IF SHE EVER ASKS ME AGAIN WHY I DON’T TALK TO HER I AM GOING TO LET HER HAVE IT WTH BOTH BARRELS.

SPF ~ YOUTH

Kristine over at Random and Odd asked us to post a picture of Youth.

" June 20 -Youth. A child isn’t actually needed at all for this picture. Capture something that means ‘youth’ to you. Mine, hands down are roller skates. I can still smell the cotton candy and feel the butterflies in my stomach thinking about the ’snowball dance’."





When I was young my of my favorite things to do was to lay in the back yard under the weeping willow. This was a spot where I dreamed about tomorrow. My life as a grown up, the man I would marry , the children I would have. It is a spot of my youth.

Did you play?

Today It's Me

There are days like today when I am sure it would be me they were speaking of.

SPF~ Eyes of a Child

June 6: Through the eyes of a child.
If you have a child; Allow the child to take your camera and find something they like to take a picture of. Do not prompt them on what to take, leave them to themselves to pick it.
If you do NOT have a child…you lucky bastards; Get down on your stomach or knees, about the height of child or baby and see what you see from there point of view.


Well I am single with no kids and I was trying to figure out how I was going to make this work. Then last night I remembered I was a kid once, with a camera no less. I had a Holly Hobbie 126 with one of those disposable 4 sided flashes. I loved that camera. So I took all kinds of pictures with it. I have not gotten much better with a camera but at least now I don't to devlope them to know they suck.

This is through the eyes of me as a child.


What a flash back. This was maybe Spring or summer 1980 and I would have been 9. This was in the court yard out side our Church.
The handsome devil in the red sport jacket is my dad, beinde him os Allen Bridges who by a 9 years olds standers in 1980 was hot, the little blonde is our neighbor Megan , then of course is my favorite sister in the whole wide world , Libby.

Did you play?

Rude Awaking

Most mornings during the week start with a rude awaking and that is the alarm clock going off at 5 A.M telling me it is time to act like I am going to work out. I also wake up alone there is no one to roll over and snuggle with and moan about spending the day in bed.

This morning when my clock went off at 5 A.M. my sister’s cat Linus was curled up at my back, not the type of guy I want to spend the morning in bed with. I rolled over to get up and hit the snooze button and promptly hit the floor. Yep rolled right into the floor. My right knee took the brunt of the fall. It has been 30 years since I have fallen out of bed. All those years as a drunken college student and I never fell out of bed. But my bed is up off the ground I kinda have to hop/ scoot up into it so it hurt.

When I stopped to get my breakfast this morning I was telling them about falling out of bed and not having done in 30 years. One lady says yep I would stick with every 30 years if I were you. Then an older wiser lady said yep and if you do next time you’ll break a hip.

How true.

It's her party

So I did not have to lock myself in bathroom and cry this weekend. I didn’t even cry all the way home. I didn’t cry at all.
There were lots of babies at the shower. Heck lots of little kids because the Mom to be comes form a large Catholic family and there are a lot of babies. But I did not find myself in a ball on the floor. I made it. Though holding the newest member of the family 3 month old Charlie, who still smells new, and 10 month old Conner did not make it any easier I was just able to shut it down.
But maybe all and all I need to work on the shutting down thing not stuff my emotions down so much. But it is so much easier to avoid dealing with it all if I just shut it off. Know what I mean? It is not like I am even in a place to be a mother. I am single, I have no health insurance, I am working two jobs, and though I have a number of great guys in my life I don’t know that I have any one that I would say hey you would you mind being a role model to my child. Because, if I wanted them to be a role model to my child I would have married them. But, wait do I know straight men? There in lies the problem. I hang out with gay men.

SPF - MUSIC ~ TRIBUTE

How hard was this? I knew what I wanted to do but when it came to picking my pictures and songs I was on over load. So there are many and many not listed and pictures not posted.

"In my life" I have had many people.



Who will say " I'll be there for you" They stand up and protect you.



When times are lean and you are down and troubled.



You can always " Lean on me"



Because "You've got a friend"
Who will never let you forget



Those silly things you have done
Because after all " That's what freinds are for"





So "Stand by me."



and laugh with me but in the end all I want to say is "Thank you for being a freind".


Did you play?

When the bow breaks

I am going to Chattanooga Sunday for a baby shower. I am going alone. The beautiful Momma to be already has three nephews. All under 3. Babies , babies , babies. Just thinking about going leaves me crying. I have managed to put a lid on the desires. Ok that is a lie. I just don't talk about it. And if I don't talk about it I don't have to think about it. I get to pretend like it does not bother me that it is not me having that baby. Can I keep up the act during the party? Can I go and not lock myself in the bathroom to cry?
Sometimes I feel as if I have no one to talk to about it. Women like Marcia Cross make me grateful though. Like I am in on some wonderful sisterhood of single , smart , funny , intelligent women over 37 who are single. Thanks Marcia. But somehow I don't think Marcia will answer my call.

SPF ~ Me in Music

May 23rd is (SELF or SOMEONE) YOU IN MUSIC (playing an instrument, dancing, getting ready for a dance getting into music..whatever)

I had a hard time with this one. My excuses are as follows:

1. I am not at all musical
2. This has been a week from hell at work
3. I just couldn't wrap my pea brain around it.

Then I saw Kristine's and the the little light bulb went off in my head and at 6 am I was going trough my boxes of pictures. So here late is my SPF




This is me and Jason Seal what a doll. All I can tell you is we were dancing and we had had a few.




Sr. Prom 1989 I went with Tim Curry. The regular guy not the actor. I was so in love with that dress.




This me ready for Home Coming at The University of Tennessee at Chattanooga 1991. Get Down .

SONGS

Here we are at Friday again and Kristine at Random and Odd has asked us to use a line from a song. I went through a lot of songs and as I was planing my Mother's gift for mother's day only one thing stuck in my head and that is what I had to go with now it's stuck in your head. MAWHAHAHA

Song: Coconut







DID YOU PLAY?

In getting in the swing

It is freaking cold here in Nashville. Right mow it is 57 degrees and cloudy. Brrr. It is May isn't it? The wind is blowing and Mom is calling it a Blackberry winter. I was with her late today for Mother's Day so a nap in my sweats is out to late for a nap. If I sleep now I wont sleep tonight. I love naps in the middle of the day even if they are little 15 minute naps. When the weather is right I like napping outside. But today it is cold and I have even shut the windows in my room. Though the ones through the rest of the house are open I can just stay hold up in my room till it warms up. Maybe there is that pesky thing called work and those damn people at Wells Fargo want their money. It never ends.

Believe in me

Today is the day. I spent a year working on this project and another year waiting for the answer as it is all reviewed by the state. My boss and I have a meeting with the Executive Board of the Department of Mental Retardation Services this afternoon. I don’t think it would have gotten this far if it was not good and I am hoping this meeting is just a final interview. While waiting I have held off looking for a new job, I have worked a second job, I have not taken a vacation, and lets not get into my bills. Waiting on this thing to take off. Waiting on the State to approve us for being a Service Provider. Today is the day I find out if my Mother was right and I am wasting my time. I have other friends who have expressed the same concern but it annoys me more coming from my mom. So today I need all your good vibes, good thoughts, positive energy. I stuck with this because I believe in it and today I need more than me to believe.

SPF- MY I-POD

This weeks SPF from over at Random and Odd was Your IPOD.








I am part of Kristine's No pod club. This is the boom box that sits on the extra desk in my office. I turn on the radio every day and listen all day to JACK FM , There is no DJ and songs don't repeat every four hours. But if you all want to get me or Kristine an I-pod or what ever it is.

Did you play?

My Internet Balls

OK well I don’t have any. No really I don’t I am a chicken shit, even here in my blog. If you don’t know what Internet Balls are Kristine at Random and Odd who made it in to the Urban Dictionary with that word says it is:

“When you think you can sit behind your computer screen and write whatever you want, to whomever you want. These are not things you would say to the person if you were face to face. That would require having balls when you're away from your computer...which you don't. Internet balls are only obtained while behind the screen and keyboard.”

I lack them. Seriously I do. I say all kinds of things. I have wanted to blog my thoughts about all kinds of things, things that people I know have done. People they date, hell people I date, stupid things they have done. But I keep it off my blog. I haven’t got the balls to do it.

I have drafted several little ditties about people in my life only to delete them. And if you have to ask me if it was you then the answer is yes it was you. That may be why I don’t blog a lot there is not a lot going on. I don’t have kids, a husband or boyfriend, or crazy co-workers to regal you with tales of that cute little thing that my kid did today or my co-worker is so crazy. It is just me and my boss in my office and as Dooce has taught us all don’t go bashing your boss on your blog if you want to keep your job. Not that I mind that stuff. I read blogs of people that talk about their families daily.

I just don’t think people will want to know that stuff about me. I work I sleep I repeat some days I work two jobs. I think about ex- beaus and sometimes go as far as to try and google them see if I can’t track them down give them a call. Do you people really want to hear that stuff? I am sure he does and I think he reads this blog. That can put a stop to what you say in a blog.

Knowing that your friend Sally reads your blog and you think her husband Kyle is a total jack ass and he did this really obnoxious thing, like he always does, and Sally knows he did but she likes to live as if he is some Saint and if you put down that event and your thought about it then the little Fantasy Land that Sally lives in is shattered and she no longer wants to speak to you. But really it is not Sally that you no longer wish to see. So we all sit in a little group and talk about Kyle and the blinders that Sally goes through life wearing. Now if Sally were to ask me all bets would be off. But Sally is not going to ask me. Sally knows better. So I don’t blog about it because if Sally wanted the truth she would have it.

What I over all aim for is something that would be of interest to my friends without crossing that line of alienating the friends I have. With a dose of humor mixed in. Does one of my friends really need to know what I use to remember their birthday each year? I think it is funny but would they? The likely hood is YES they are a friend and my humor is one of my best qualities. But I don't put it here for fear of upsetting them. So sometimes you need internet balls.

So I am going to try and blog more about what is going on in my life and find a happy medium between what I to tell some of my friends but not the rest of them. I also have to make up my mind if I want to name my friends or give them colorful nicknames. This would be the point where my friends chime in and say hey don’t use my name. But then if I give you nicknames then it might be easier to confuse some of you. Then you wouldn’t know for sure if I was talking about you or not. Because for some of you ‘Shamus’ I can point to something shinny and you forget I am talking about you.
Look over there Dolce and Gabbana on sale.

Songs

Well Kristine over at Random and Odd has given us a pretty cool assignment for this week SONG . I love music I am just not good at remembering what the songs are called. So in some aspects you all are lucky you did not end up with a picture of a school bus and the song title “ Wheels on a Bus” Ooops I hope no one does that. Any way this is what I could get my head around while working two jobs and such.






Money - Pink Floyd

Did you Play?

The thrill.....

Some days are full of thrills. You live it on a euphoric high. Other days you start out great but end up tumbling out of control and crashing, having to move on and never be the same from the experience you just came through. But the point is that you pick yourself up and keep going. You never know just whom you might inspire. It could be people a world away or someone close to you. The point is that YOU touch and impact the lives of people whether you know it or not.
Know that even as you are picking yourself up from this defeat and it seems like you aren’t going to make it the strength you are showing is an inspiration to others around you. And one day when they don’t think they can make it they will look at how you made it and know that they can over come too.

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I am still here. BOOO. I have been to tired , too busy , or to lazy to post. When I have something grand to say I'll let you know.

Towels

Well SPF today was towels. This is me in my towel all fresh and clean without my big fat terry cloth bath robe. I don’t know what got me started wearing both as I get my face on in the morning but I do. Maybe it was having company. Anyway this is my towel.

Did you play?

Do you Twitter

I have been following a few peoples twitter accounts Kristine over at Random and Odd and Heather over at Dooce and not really sure it was something I wanted to do. I thought it was more TXTing thing and its not. But really all I need is something else to keep me from working. So I checked my gmail account, which I never do, last night and there was an email from one of my oldest friends Steph asking me to join twitter from back at the first of March. OOOPS. So I did it I joined twitter and now I am a twitterer or maybe just a twit but I am a lovable twit. Not to mention all kinds of cute.
Ok back on track. You can also follow me on twitter, peek in and see what I am doing you can join me there and we can twitter each other. I mean really when was the last time you twittered with someone?
And if you’re really lucky I got the links in my blog this time but don’t get your hopes up.

Good Bye Mike

Today was the funeral and memorial wake for my neighbor Mike. He was an amazing man. A husband, father, son, brother, craftsman, old hippie, friend and much more to every life he touched. I have been blessed so have him and his family in my life. I learned from him He was a no hold bard tell it like it is man. Checking out and watching out for you man. He was the neighborhood watch.
He would not want us to think about all that was lost but how he lived and lived he did.

Good Bye Mike

Numbers

I have no reason for this set of numbers. I was kinda stuck on this one. But here they are my numbers. For SPF. Did you play? Run over to Random and Odd and play too.

Numbers

So this Friday Kristine over at Random and Odd has made SPF (Stuff Portrait Friday) all about numbers.

SPF THIS WEEK:
NUMBERS. It seems like everything lately revolves around numbers; age, dates, birthdays, weight, money, sizes…everything is a number.
Here are a bunch of examples of NUMBERS in photography.
Don’t forget to post this Friday’s assignment on your blog so your readers can get ready.

Stuff Portrait Friday - Your Favorite Picture

Kristine over at Random and Odd has started back up with Stuff Portrait Friday again YAY!!! The link to her site is over to the right there. Anywho I have a lot of favorite pictures but this one happens to be one that is in my computer. I still need to scan all my pictures. I like this one. Why ? well it is just the over grown look of the stairs. I really can't explain why I just thought it was cool when I took it.

You shouold do it. Post your favorite picture then go over to Random and Odd and tell Kristine you played so everyone can check out your photo.

I didn't even have to yell

Today I had to call tech support for a web site we use at work ‘ The Work Number’
It is an employment verification site that a number of companies are using now. This site has been royal pain in my ass in the past. I was trying to use it today to verify employment and was unable to get logged in. I tried emailing for help and after a few hours I found a number and called them I was tried of waiting. I was so proud of myself because I didn’t even yell I was calm and cool the whole time. I know those tech support people catch a bunch of shit. Because by the time you call them or get through the 20 minutes of…

“ All our costumer services agents are busy assisting other costumers. Your call is important to us please continue to hold and the next available agent will be with you shortly. All calls are answered in the order they are received.”

…you are already past wanting to beat your computer with a bat. There are days if I had one at my desk my computer would be a goner. But alias my computer and the guy at the work number avoid my wrath.

Speaking of my wrath. I must brag on myself because what I did was …. Well I should get a gold star.

I got a love letter from a young man who has been after me for time. He lies like a rug and he has been caught a number of times in lies and well he is 21 what do you expect.

Here is his letter to me sent on 2/3/2008:


Hey fran,
I know it’s been awhile since we’ve talked, and I’m probably one of the last people you would want to hear from. I just had some things I’ve been thinking about for some time. The first thing is that I do love you, I always have, and I always will. I know that’s hard for you to believe now, but it’s the truth. I want to be able to have you back in my life, not only as a friend but as a partner. The second thing I wanted to talk to you about is how badly I fucked up. I was anything but honest, and I caused you more pain than pleasure. No one should have to be in a relationship like that, and I can’t tell you how upset with myself I am for doing that to you. I want you to know that I love you, and I want you to be happy, even if it’s not with me. I have to go but I check my email a couple times a day while I’m out to sea. I hope I hear from you soon.

Love always,
George

Isn’t that sweet? Well, two weeks ago his fiancée logged on using his SN and I being the loving kind gal I am sent it to her. < BIG EVIL GRIN> I still got it!!!

Hate is Insidious

I have been trying for a few days to gather my thoughts. I wanted to be able to write a letter to Representative Sally Kern, R, OK, with love in my heart. The love you feel for all mankind. Approaching something like what she said any other way would be counterproductive. I am grateful to be a citizen of the United States of America along with the numerous freedoms that comes with that freedom one of those freedoms is the freedom of speech. However, when someone is an elected official there are lines. She has crossed that line. I am of the feeling that it is hate that is the insidious cancer on society today.

I have numerous questions like where are Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton? Had she spoke out about the African-American community that way they would beat down her door. It would be headlines on the news. They would demand that she be forced to resign. Larry King would do a show as I am sure would Oprah. But again we seem to be in a spot where we are accepting discrimination. Now the disbelief that we look back at the lunch counter sit-ins with and wonder why we ever let things get that way. Why would we treat another human like that and think it was ok? Yet somehow we don’t seem to get up in arms when another HUMAN is treated with this kind of flagrant disrespect, just because he or she happens to be a homosexual.

There is no agenda. I have been to meetings and if there is I sure missed something. The fabulous crab dip was not one of them. Yes I have been hit on by women they were unwanted advances I have also been hit on by married business men and so many male drunks I have lost count those were also unwanted advances Where is their lynch mob. Every gay man and woman I know wants one thing LOVE. They want the same things every other citizen of this country wants think what you want for your life and this is what they think about.

Discrimination in any form is not acceptable. Why are we accepting it?

SHE DOESN'T SPEAK FOR ME!!!

Rep. Kern, Sally
District 84
Republican






Capitol Address:
2300 N. Lincoln Blvd.
Room 332
Oklahoma City, OK 73105
(405) 557-7348
District Address:
2713 Sterling Ave.
Oklahoma City, OK 73127
Email:
sallykern@okhouse.gov

6 years

As of yesterday it had been six years since I have been intimate with a man. Six LONG years.
When I started seeing KB we cuddled and when we did that it had been a long time since I had done that too. (KB is gone BTW)
I feel ready to explode. I have all this energy built up inside of me and I need to get it out. I am not a hop into bed with a guy kind of gal. At least not since I was in my mid-twenties anyway. But damn!! How long does a gal have to wait to find the right guy? What gives?!?!? I know I could have had all kinds of sex with all kinds of men but I am picky picky picky. There is this huge part of me that is about to say screw waiting for love and just have wild sex with some 20 year old.
I am not sure if I should celebrate holding out this long or throw myself under a bus.

Someone Else’s Shoes

Although these flip-flops have been in vogue for a few seasons they weren’t when I got them. They remind of an action from myself that I am not proud of and of a person I am not proud to be. I wasn’t getting my way and I pitched a total fit. Another person was acting in kindness and was trying very hard to do something nice to make me happy and I would not have it, because they were not what I wanted. I was ugly and disrespectful to this person because the store did not have the sandals I wanted. Mine had broken while we were on vacation. And these were the best we could do. I acted childishly.
When asked what is your biggest flaw, your worse quality this is it, Acting like a brat.
Every time I slide my feet into them now I remember that day and how acted. I think about how I could have acted differently. How that is a person I don’t want be. It often feels as if they are someone else’s shoes because that is a person I want to leave behind. She is still there but when I put them on I remember these are shoes of someone I’d rather never be again.

A NOTE JUST FOR YOU

I would like to take this time to wish a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to RWK.

There Is A First Time For Everything

So Friday before going to the hospital I ran some errands one was at the bank. As I got out of the car there was this very nice looking man he walked in with me and commented on what a beautiful day it was and I agreed with him. He opened the door for me and then raced to open the other one too. I had to fill out a deposit slip and he went ahead and did his banking as I walked up to do mine he walked out. When I finished he was waiting by his truck doing some digging around on his passenger side which was where my car was parked we spoke again and I left. Wishing I had given him my card. So I didn’t do crap. But I did post something on Craigs List. Maybe he’ll see it. There is a first time for everything.

My Funny Valentine

As I have blogged before for the last several years I have made a dinner reservation at one of my favorite restaurants on Valentines Day and taken myself out to dinner. It has been the most liberating experiences of my life.
However, this year I spent a few weeks struggling with doing it again this year. Financially things are tight. So I had to ask myself is this an expense that I can afford? Emotionally I just was not sure if I wanted to spend this day alone at a table in a romantic restaurant. This year a fear of the event set in. I was not sure I could be out there and be happily single. I dine alone often and I enjoy it but why was the choice this year so hard? I wanted to want to do it.
I have been feeling a lot like the pre- Goddess the feelings of insecurity and have not been at all proud to be single.
Even though I had my doubts I went ahead and made a reservation on the 6th for my table for one. After all if I wanted to go I needed to be able to get in, right? I wanted to be able to do this for the right reason the ME REASON. Not as a self serving pity party. And sitting around and hoping I might magically get a date for this night could be amount to wishing the last 7 years with Bush in the White House had never happened.
I had told one guy I know about my Valentines Dinner for one and he told me he thought people would think it was pathetic and desperate to go and sit at a table alone on Valentines Day. Then a wonderful beautiful woman said she loved the idea. I am sticking with the woman we tend to know better anyway.
So I just got over myself.




I liberated myself. The longer I sat at the table the happier I was. I wish all women could love themselves enough to dine alone on Valentines Day. I still have a long way to go and frankly I think I need to treat myself more often to wonderful diners, long hot baths and give myself the same encouraging words I pass along to my friends. I often forget my own value but today I started to see myself for the wonderful, inspiring woman I am. My hope is that all you know what a wonderful value you have you are rich with the wonders of life.






(Note: thoughts for this blog were complied over 3 to 4 weeks as I worked through the feelings leading up to this day in order that I could have an accurate account)

Attention!!!!

So you all know my Girl Scout cookies have arrived all four boxes. I am not running or even trying to run so I figured I will eat all of them before the end of the month maybe even the week and enjoy every damn one of them. Perhaps with some vanilla bean ice cream. And if you try and take one from me I will bite your fingers off in a fight for every crumb. We now return you to our regularly scheduled mind dribble.

Made it

Just wanted to let all of you out there know that those storms skipped right over Nashville. We made it through just fine but our neighbors on counties on either side of us (Williamson and Sumner) took a pretty hard hit. The sirens went off all night long.I normally can sleep through just about anything. I will awake after a storm and people will ask did you hear that? I ask hear what? But that night that weather kept me awake. It was a wild night

It's called Democracy

I got a warm welcome:
I followed the signs:


And then .........

All Cracked up

Well Brit-Brit has finally been committed. The court has seen fit to give her family a temporary conservator ship over her and her estate. This is wonderful news as we have been witness to her downward spiral. She will be able to get the help she so desperately needs and hopefully then be a mother to her to beautiful boys.
Britney is not the first star to have a public melt down and have her mental illness splashed across the headlines. The list is a long one and each of them including Ms. Spears is lucky to have family and a bank account with the resources to get the help she needs.
What all this notice on Ms. Spears and other high profile celebrities fails to highlight are the millions of people and their families that live with mental illness on a daily basis. Most families do not have the team of therapist available to them that the Spears family has been so fortunate to have. Nor do they have lawyers that can help arrange an involuntary commitment or temporary conservator ship.
Where our focus needs to be is on the millions of families who desperately need the kind of help that Britney is receiving. These people have no idea who they can call or how in the world they will pay for the medications let only the help that is required to help a family member who has taken the kind of downward spiral that Britney has done so publicly. The recent case in Washington D.C. where a mentally ill mother killed her four young children it is then that the system stands up and takes notice. So let’s take the attention of bubble gum pop and focus on the millions lost in the system of hopelessness.
I don’t claim to have an answer to this issue. But this is the issue I am on today.

Bucket List

So this new movie "The Bucket List" and the article in today’s paper have me thinking about my own personal Bucket List and all the things I want to do before I kick the bucket. In no particular order they are:

1. Get married 2.Have a babies 3. Sky dive 4. Make amends with an old college friend
5. Run a marathon 6. Get a passport and use it to travel the world. 7. Take a gourmet cooking class 8. Raft the Colorado 9. Visit the Opera House in Sydney 10. Visit the Louvre 11. See a baseball game in every major league park. 12. Attended a World Series Game (w/ the Braves in it would be a plus) 13. Snow ski 14. Own a fast car. 15. Hike the Appalachian Trail. 16. See a fall in Maine 17. Attended a Super Bowl
18. Take a writing course 19. Get my college degree 20. Take a wine tasting class.
21. Get the nerve up to go topples on a topless beach. 22. Learn to play poker.
23. Find the funny. 24. Use the Ball Gown that is in my closet just in case. 25. see an active volcano 26. Fire walk. 27. Scuba dive 28. Go to Six Flags. 29. Own a cabin in the mountains 30.Learn to sew. 31. Hike into the base of the Grand Canyon 32. Learn to Surf 33. Go to the fish market in Seattle and watch them throw fish 34. Get a dog (German Sheppard or Flat Coated Retriever) 35. Keep adding to my list.

I am sure if you all did your own list I will go oh yea cool I want to do that too.

Things I have already done:

1. Ridden a bull 2. Been to Hawaii 3. Made friends I will never forget.4.Seen the Grand Canyon 5. been in love 6. Own a home 7. Been to Washington D.C. 8. Been on a Cruise 9. Gone Deep Sea Fishing 10. Lived in the Mountains 11. Danced in the Rain 12. Laughed till I cried. 13. Rafted the Ocoee 14. Camped out under the open sky
15. Learned to Ice Skate. 16 .Had a job that I felt was my purpose 17. Seen the JGB.
18. Joined a book club. 19. remember what I have already done.

It's nothing personal but.....

You know people suck. I have been chatting on line with this guy Dennis for 7 years. I met him while I was still dating Kelly and we have been chatting back and forth on and off all this time. Dennis was coming into town on business Tuesday and Wednesday I had agreed to get together with him while he was here for dinner. All I asked was that he give me a call and let me know when he thought he might be able to meet me so I could make my plans. He never called not even a quick shot email to say hey Goddess things are crazier here than I thought can't meet you. But no it's nothing personal but I have no manners.

To Anonymous

Confidentially to Anonymous- Drop me an email and let me know what your up too.

When it's 10

Degrees that is. That is what it was when my alarm went off at 5 AM this morning. 10 degrees. Can you say wholly Sheep Shit Batman. I can't seem to find that motivation I need to get out of bed and run. OK I can't find the motivation to get out of bed at all. There should be laws against making you leave the house on days like today. Makes me think it was a wise decision not to move to Alaska like I was thinking of about 9 years ago.
I would not have done well there. But, at the time the idea of ten men to each woman was rather appealing. I went so far is to have a few news papers sent to me and was looking for a job and a place to live. The Sunday Paper in Juno is tiny. I can't remember why I gave that up. I know I talked to my buddy Ricky about it over and over and all he would say is "Ya I know." I guess it is a little late to slam him on that. Ricky come over here and let me fuss at you hit you with a hair piece.

I have only been doing that to one person this guy I have been seeing I'll call him Kentucky Blue , K.B. for short. We are not serious , just dating taking it really slow and getting to know each other. There is no pressure one way or the other. He is sweet , funny, kind, very handsome, with a great smile and softness behind his eyes. He has not seemed satisfied with me just saying OK. He wants to know what I think so now I am going to start to tell him. Should someone warn him? I don't come with one of those warning labels WARNING CONTENTS ARE OPINIONATED AND VOLATILE. OK KB you wanna know what I think sit back here I come.

What's so funny?

My friend Betty thinks I am funny. Well hells bells I think I am funny but not on my own. Betty thinks I should work on a stand-up routine but Betty is 80 I keep hoping she'll forget. But, she doesn't.

Betty wants me to do an open mike nite somewhere. HELLOOO. I need a straight man to do my routine off of. I am the friend that will put your foot in your mouth after you say something.

It is obviously something I have been thinking about. Betty got going with this early last summer. I don't think digging down and finding the courage to get on stage is my problem I think digging down and finding something I can do on my own is. Finding the funny is. I don't know that I can be funny by myself all alone on stage with people looking at me. How do I find what is so funny just me with no one to feed off? It is not like I can go to Stand Up School. OK I am sure I could but it is not like going to typing school so you can get a job typing.
I can't even write funny. Alright I do write funny but that has more to with bad English than with humor. Which as I recall was a pretty good group.

This is only a test

The last two days have been nothing if not trying. It has been an emotional roller coaster. My father has been sick for some time. He has something called ITP and it all has to do with low platelet counts. He has been on steroids and then chemo to get this under control. Plus he has been weak and having dizzy spells for the last few weeks. He is also getting older and will be 75 this Sunday.
On Wednesday he was at work he got off the van and passed out. Falling forward onto his knees and then smacking his head on a car. After a minute he regained conciseness and they moved him into the break room and told him he was done for the day. He called my Mother to tell her and to let her know that he was going to have someone from work drive him home. She told him that he was going to have someone bring him to the Hospital. When he arrived his heart rate was in the
30s now he has always run low but not this low. Test were done and he was put in a room. He had many an EKG and the words Pace Maker were being tossed around.
Today he was given some kind of electro cath test first thing they wanted to be sure with this test. He went from this test right into surgery for placement of a pace maker.
I have been a little emotional. When my Mom called me at work Wednesday and told me what was happening she said he was fine and to wait to hear from her. I sat at my desk for an hour unable to focus and waiting for my boss to come in. I cried out of fear . Called and TXT some friends. And went to the hospital.
Daddy will be home tomorrow. My friends have been fabulous from calling to stopping by the hospital to check on me and my family. You guys are the best I love you all. I have felt all your love thank you for helping me through another test.

Failur is not an option

I am thinking I can't get this whole marathon thing done. It involves way to much. I know why most people fail at their New Years Resolutions. Sleeping is so much easier. But getting ready to run this marathon involves so much. I have to admit to those who do not already know that I have started smoking again. I am not buying my own cigarettes but I ma bumming them from my friends who smoke and it is not just me smoking when when I drink which is not often. I am smoking whenever I hang out with the smokers. Except that one that smokes menthols and he is saying he is quiting. So not only do I need to quit for health and the marathon but I am going to quit to help encrouage him.
It is all in line with this live healthy thing in 2008. Get all the toxicity out of my life. Though I am not ready to give up my occasional drink nor my medium rare steak. But smoking, a few people , the drive thru. These are things I am going to clean out of my life oh and lets not for get shoulder pads.
I am not going to fail at this I am just having doubts. What are your doubts?

Welcome 2008

We have put another year behind us. 2007 was not a bad year , my family and friends are healthy and safe. I live in the greatest country in the world. I have great friends whom I love very much. I have put unnecessary people out of my life and brought in some new people in.
One such new person has called me out on a challenge that I have made myself for years and always fizzle out on. He has put it to me to get it done even posted his challenge in a video on his Myspace page. I have been saying for years I was going to run the Music City Marathon. Well here it is for the world to see IN APRIL I WILL BE IN THE MUSIC CITY MARATHON. I don't know if I am going to do the half or the whole yet. But I will myself be in it. I invite you all to Nashville to run with me or you can meet me at the finish line. I also invite you all to check-up on me ask me where I am in my training.
What challenges have you made for yourself this year?

2007

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? This was a boring year.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Most Of them I did not have any money to manage better this year , I read more by joining a book club , I started and stopped exercising more times than I care to count, I am still working two jobs and that still sucks bricks, I did keep in better touch with friends and my house is cleaner this year . So I got about half and half this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Not to a baby.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Nope.

5. What countries did you visit? Never left the USA but I traveled far and wide in my dreams .

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? A vacation.

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why. I don’t know that there was a totally stand out date.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Letting go of the past.

9. What was your biggest failure this year? Not knowing when to say enough is enough and letting people take advantage of my good nature.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I had a car accident. Thank God no one was hurt.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Food.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?. I know lots of people who have had a wonderful year.


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? George Warde

14. Where did most of your money go? Car payment, house payment.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My sister moving in with me and our annual Labor Day trip.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007? Heck I don't have a clue.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? Happier.
ii. Thinner or fatter? Thinner.
iii .richer or poorer? Poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more? Hanging out with friends, traveling, exercising.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Working.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? Here in Nashville with my family.
21. Did you fall in love in 2007? No

22. How many one-night stands? None, I don't do that.

23. What was your favorite TV program? TV? I like CSI, NCIS,

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't hate people but I sure as heck don't really like a few people anymore.

25. What was the best book you read? Water for Elephants rocked and was this years favorite. I really liked A Thousand Splendid Suns and Run.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? I liked Paul Potts

27. What did you want and get? The greatest friends in the world. I am so blessed with a great group friends whom I would not trade for the world.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? I am Legend ( didn’t get out much)

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I went to Knoxville w/ my sister. I was 37. We do something every year for my birthday.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? To not have to rob peter to pay paul.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? Are shoulder pads still in style?

32. What kept you sane? The Great Spirit and the greatest friends in the world.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Vin Diesel can still eat crackers in my bed.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? The War , Gun Control , Equal Human Rights

35. Who did you miss this year? Jonathan

36. Who was the best new person you met? I met lots of great new people Shamus, James, Emily, Sherry, David, Anthony, Cheryl, and my friends from The Adsagsona Paranormal Society

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007: That I still am way to nice sometimes.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "Sunny days keeping the clouds away........."

Sense of style

Anyone who knows me knows I am not a fashion diva. I have always moved to the beat of my own drum and dressed in what is comfortable. Just because my clothes are out of style does not mean I will get rid of them. Yes, I know that shirt in my closet from middle school in 1984 is not in style but I can wear it under the sweater I still have from middle school. Right? Look I got rid of my sweater dress years ago. If I got rid of all my out of style and out dated clothes I would have wool slacks and silk blouses and some cute little black dresses left. My jeans aren’t even cool as my sister told me. But I suppose it is time to get rid of my 4 pair of stirrup pants. Yes, folks I still have stirrup pants I haven’t worn them but hell I can’t throw shit out. But now I have them in my Good Will stack. Along with all my old sweaters I guess 20 years for a sweater is a little long.
Now don’t get worried I am still going to march to the beat of my own drum dress a little odd have a sense of style that ranges from totally classic to bohemian to what the fuck Who would I be if was totally in style? Not me
But in the new year I will shop for clothes a little more and move to get rid of all my clothes from the 80’s and early 90’s if I get really daring then I will even get rid of the clothes from 6 years ago but don’t hold your breath.

She's here!!!!

One of my all time favorite people , my confidante , in the past my worst enemy. But , now one of my best friends. My baby sister has arrived in Tennessee and has moved her belongings into my house. She has left her job as a Program Coordinator for a year round camp in Potosi,MO after coming to the conclusion that she does not like the Midwest. She is unemployed and looking for work so if you have work she needs it. She has rent to pay damn it.
She and I have not lived together since I left for college some 18 years ago. We are no longer teenagers but grown women. I know that I am not that teenager any more so I know we will handle any differences we have differently than we did when we were screaming teenagers. Welcome Home Sissy.