So I did not have to lock myself in bathroom and cry this weekend. I didn’t even cry all the way home. I didn’t cry at all.
There were lots of babies at the shower. Heck lots of little kids because the Mom to be comes form a large Catholic family and there are a lot of babies. But I did not find myself in a ball on the floor. I made it. Though holding the newest member of the family 3 month old Charlie, who still smells new, and 10 month old Conner did not make it any easier I was just able to shut it down.
But maybe all and all I need to work on the shutting down thing not stuff my emotions down so much. But it is so much easier to avoid dealing with it all if I just shut it off. Know what I mean? It is not like I am even in a place to be a mother. I am single, I have no health insurance, I am working two jobs, and though I have a number of great guys in my life I don’t know that I have any one that I would say hey you would you mind being a role model to my child. Because, if I wanted them to be a role model to my child I would have married them. But, wait do I know straight men? There in lies the problem. I hang out with gay men.