So here I am back in the dating scene. As I have told you all before I am doing Plenty of Fish. I had a much wider range set up for men and was getting emails from men in their 50’s not that 50 is old because it is not. Not as old as 37 seemed when I was 18. But 50-year-old men don’t want kids. They have theirs. I take a look at the profiles and see these men state all my kids are over 18 and they have Grandkids. Younger men well they tend to lack maturity.
It is not like it is not clear on my profile. They have a spot for the question. Do you want kids? Mine says YES. I frankly don’t want to waste my time with a man that doesn’t want kids. I don’t mind a man with kids I know for a fact that I can and will love a man’s kids as if they were mine. The fact of the matter is I will never ever be their Mother. But, that burning desire to have my own kids to be a Mom is still there. I feel I have to continue to reassess what I want to get the other.
Am I willing to give up on kids of my own so I can have a husband? My answer is clearly NO. This does not make the pain any less and it does not make it any easier. I still feel like I am missing something in my life when I see people with kids. There are no other things when children are something you want.
Often times the whole self-assured independent woman thing is bullshit, an act that I have perfected over the years. Some days I don’t enjoy being alone. Sometimes all I want to do is lie in a ball and cry because I can’t seem to get it right. To find the mix with someone that is suited for us both. I feel like a failure as a woman. When I know full well that the fact I am not in relationship does say anything about my success as a woman.
I suppose what has made this harder this time around is some of things that a few of the men have said to me. And believe me they are not things I have not said to myself and all in all it means that someone had the balls or the lack of couth to say it out loud. “Don’t you know that the fact you have not been in a relationship in so long is going to make men ask what is wrong with you? I mean that is what I am asking myself.” “What’s is wrong that you have not been in a relationship in so long?”
My answer is “ Dating has just not been a priority for me.” It doesn’t make the truth in the question sting any less. “What’s wrong with you?” I am not sure it hurts any less now than it did when I was younger. I am just more aware of a time limit now. The hot flashes don’t help.
I am selective though my track record does not show that. I just can’t seem to find a balance in this war in my head and heart.