A Woman , her sister , and a River

Every Labor Day weekend for the last three years my sister, Libby, has taken me with her to an annual event. A group of college friends get together and take a day long 9 mile float down the Caney Fork River. Friends invite friends and the group grows. It is one of my favorite events and I look forward to it all year long not just because it falls on/around my birthday but because I love the outdoors and it is time with one of my all time favorite people, Libby.
I find the trip a great time to bond with Libby and to soak in the nature. We sleep in a tent in the back yard right on the edge by the river. For 2 days everyone eats, drinks, laughs, and talks. The hosts make everyone that walks through the door feel like they are old friends and welcome. This year as always Libby borrows tents from work. She was running late and just grabbed two tents, because she had invited friends, when she got to my house and pulled them out of her car to load into mine there were duck tape notes on each bag. Polls Damaged. It was funny to take two tents and make one. It was the funniest looking tent. The guys Libby had invited took the tent flies and made a little shelter using the kids swing set we dubbed it ghetto tent. But over all for having put them together in the dark we came off pretty good.
I love the area. The farms, woods, river it is such a peaceful place. So if anyone wants to buy a house on the river and invite me over I’ll come over and hang out.

Good Fortune

Three months ago I went out for Chinese food with some friends. The date was May 23, 2006. We finished dinner and our fortune cookies came I opened my cookie and this was inside - “ Remember three months from this date! Your lucky star is shining.”- I took my fortune wrote the date on it and slide it into my wallet right in front of my driver license. Mainly so I would remember. So yesterday was it three months from the date I got my fortune in my cookie. I had been excited to see what would happen. Well, yesterday was it and it was such a wonderful day. I can’t say that anything out of the ordinary happened but, the day was all-bright and I felt that way inside and out. Like I had, had some kind of major awaking and was seeing things in a whole new light feeling things differently. Like I had cleansed myself of old baggage and moved on. Was free from ties that had held me down and I broke free. Now I am done with my fortune and I offer it to each of you today so three months from today I want a report about your fortune that will be Thanksgiving Weekend.
“ Remember three months from this date! Your lucky star is shining.”-

Lil Libby

Libby was in town this weekend for her 15 year high school reunion. Time passes by so quickly. She is not only my little Sister but my best friend. I really like her as a person, I admire her and the work that she does. She is one of my all time favorite people. I got to spend time with her which I always enjoy. She invites me to hang out with her and her friends which she does not have to do which I can only assume is because she likes being around me too.
We had lunch at a Mediterranean Restaurant in Brentwood with her High School/ College Best Friend Terri and her husband Brian. Before shopping at Joann’s so she could hem a dress for her reunion then to Target where we each bought five in one strapless bras. If that does not top excitement I don’t know what does.
Today we had lunch with my parents and there Sunday School class. Then Libby and I met with Andrew, who grew up across the street from us, and David another high school friend at Fido’s. I LOVE MY LIBBY!! She left from Fido to drive back to Potosi and I miss her already. But, I will see her in two weeks every Labor Day Weekend she and I meet with another group of her friends and do a day long float down the Caney Fork River. We float, eat and drink until well past dark. Then sleep in a tent in the yard right by the river. I enjoy that. I love the outdoors.

Stroke of Luck

Some how when roommates leave me I enviably lose things and gain things. Dishes, appliances, Sheets and towels have both been gained and lost but one of the oddest things I gained were two cats. Tiger and Spooky, Tony’s babies. When Carl, Abe and their 4 dogs came to live with me for a month the back yard was a petting zoo. The cats are not allowed in the house because when Toby was alive the three of them had a difficult time with the use of their litter boxes so the cats were cast out of the house where it would not matter where they peed. The dogs and cats fought it out and one day Spooky flat decided he had had enough of this mess and left. Carl and Abe and their brood left at the end of May. Spooky did not come back. I assumed he found a new home or had been in a car accident This morning as I was going about getting ready for the day there was the familiar cry in the kitchen window of “ hey you there feed me before you leave.” I was getting to it I swear I was. I always do before I bolt out the door. I always look out the window and tell Tiger “ I’M coming”. I was going to get dressed before I went out. But today when I looked out the window there were two cats in the window. Spooky WAS HOME!!! I tossed my freshly iron clothes on the sofa and ran out the door to welcome home the Prodigal Son. I quickly petted him and poured food into the bowl. As he screamed to be fed. Gave Tiger a pet too. He is no worse for wear. A little thinner than he was but he is back. I was told once that seeing a Blue Jay is good luck and last week I saw one on my deck. If this is as far as that luck goes I can take it.

ON and on and on

Have you ever had one of those days that just drag on and on and on? This is one of those days. I swear I don’t think this day is ever going to end. I went out to lunch just to get out of the office today because I was so bored. Ran into my next-door neighbor Terry. It is hot enough outside to fry an egg on the sidewalk the air is not working in the office but the fans are keeping it cool enough. I have restless plant syndrome. I am making a run to Chattanooga tomorrow to have dinner with some girl friends and maybe brunch with another on Thursday. Hit Coolidge Park. Visit New Moon. I might even drive up Signal Mountain. I miss the Mountains. Say anyone out there want to help plan a long weekend trip to the mountains? My money is tight but I could find some if I could just get away. OK that took up like ten min.

The Ape

I had this really freaky dream last night and woke up feeling as if I had been on a bender last night but I had only met a friend who was in town for a late dinner and had a glass of water but the dream itself must have been what wore me out. I was being chased by a giant ape, King Kong, I was running and scared. I woke up at some point and thought it was an Elephant and then in the back of my mind was this voice that said “ No. it wasn’t” and I really had to think on it as I was trying to go back to sleep and at the same time I was fighting it. Till I remembered it was an Ape. But I woke up tired, beat, with a head ache. I am not sure what it means. But 14 hours later I am still worn out, even though I had a two hour this after noon.

It must be Nashville

It must be me or maybe it is just Nashville. But all the cool people I know are leaving town. First Steph , then Jonathon, Sybi and Tomorrow JW leaves to go back to New Jersey. Though I have never been to New Jersey I understand there is not much there to be drawn to. In all seriousness his kids are there and he has one hell of a great business opportunity. I can not fault anyone for that. Each friend has left for better things, family –jobs – or just the hell of it. My hope for each of them is that they are truly happy where they are. I do know other cool people and now I have a longer list of cool places to visit Phoenix , AZ ; Seattle ,WA ; Potosi ,MO ; Lebanon , MO; San Angelo , TX; St. Petersburg , FL ; Newark , DE and now New Jersey. But I love you all no matter where you are in this world. I am grateful for each and every one you. So to all of you today and everyday I send my love and the warmth of our friendship. Clean out your guest room I might be on my way.

Knocking

Apparently Aunt Dot is back from the brink of death yet again. It looks like she will live to die another day. (OK bad pun). At this point it looks as though another Aunt and Uncle that live in Atlanta are going to go ahead and go out of town for vacation this could mean that Dot will live or that Uncle Albert does not want to lose his deposit. We shall see.
Is my FAMILY the only one that is just INSANE? Quick hurry she is going to die. Well wait don’t hurry that fast she will die some day just not right now. Then my cousins wanted to deny her pain meds so she would be lucid when the last of her children arrived. The doctor had to insist that she be given something. The woman was in unbearable pain and these nuts were being selfish Bastards. PROMISE me this one thing when I am knocking on deaths door and waiting to see if the door will open. I WANT MORPHINE!!! I do not want to die in pain. I want to be in as little pain as possible. I don’t care who is coming or from where. If any one of you deny me drugs for your own selfish reasons I will come back and haunt your ass. I don’t mean the’ oh yea I have a ghost tee hee hee’. I am talking Exorcist, Amityville Horror; make you pee your pants kind of scared and if you move I will come with you. There so much for being loving and peaceful.

To End.....

I am such a lazy bum. I spent most of the day laying on the sofa I didn’t do crap today I left the house to get the Sunday Paper out of the driveway around 8:30 am and then I left to go to Dairy Queen to get a Blizzard about 12 hours later. I called in to Domino’s tonight I was not feeling well I anyway. I napped on the sofa for over an hour until my Mom called to let me know that my Aunt Dot has gone into the hospital and it does not look like she will come back out.
She has been this sick before and recovered. She has been suffering from a massive clot in her legs. And for the last few years has been unable to care for herself and has been living with my cousin and her family. The fact that she could be dying is sad yes but I am not brought to tears. It is that moving on to the next world, to the next stage in life is better. I THINK that the concept of my feelings might be hard to explain. I am relived that she will be released of her pain and of her earthbound body. Then move forward to the next stage of her life, what ever that choice is for her.
Isn’t there a poem about the Sweet Release of Death? I can’t find it of there is one. Why some deaths easier to take and others are leave you sobbing every time someone ask you “How are you doing?” I try to have this it is better attitude but some times it just freakin sucks. But for Aunt Dot today it does not suck. When her husband, my Uncle Frank, passed away I was at a church retreat with my youth group. He had been sick for a long time and had gotten much worse he suffered each day he continued to live. Our leaders had sent us off to pray once we had all arrived and gotten settled. I stepped over to a spot and prayed this prayer. “Please take away my Uncle Franks pain.” I happened to look at my watch it was 8:05 PM. The next morning after breakfast we were in a group activity and my mother walked in and sat down. I wondered why in the world she would be there. Libby made it over first and began to cry. I walked over to her and she told me that my Uncle Frank had died last night. “When?” I asked. “8:09” Was her answer. So tonight I will ask that same prayer for Dot. To end her pain.

Rolling in the mud with Pigs

What is the deal with you men? People ask me all the time why I hang out with gay men and it is because 90% of the straight men I know are freakin PIGS! I went out for drinks last Saturday night with a guy who was supposed to be my friend. I have told him repeatedly that I don’t want anything more from him than friends this is clear is it not? He has said he will take what ever I offer. On the way home he kept trying to hold my hand. I kept patting his and giving him back his hand. I was tried and had said this he kept trying to find a way to stay at my house like sit in the yard and look at stars, PLEASE! We get back to my house he walks me to my door I give him a hug and hey thanks for the night. The he gabs me again and does that head tilt lean in thing, OMG, I have to push him off of me as a pull my head back and look at him like he is nuts. I get him off me and step in my house say good night and shut the door and lock it.
What is the freakin deal? I am a nice person if you are a friend male or female I will bend over backwards for you. I will do shit just to be nice because I am that kind of a gal. I give my heart and soul to all my friends. I send you cards and buy shit for you just because I am thinking of you. It does not mean shit except hey I dig you as a person. Why do some men get this and others don’t? Why does one male friend get that when I buy his lunch and give him a cheesey card and gift that goes with the card get that we are friends and I am thanking him for a really cool thing he did and another think that because I listen to him that this means I want to sleep with him? If I were as nice to the second as I was to the first hell I would have been in major trouble?
HEY guy one favor lemon guy thank you for the RESPCT !!! It is so flattering to be treated that way by a guy and know that you don’t have to be on guard all the time. You are tops! I hope you know that. I was thrilled to find someone like you and call you friend.
GUY two drop dead!

Now I have more than two straight male friends, guy two is not really one anymore, there is the one that gave me money after I lost my job to make ends meet. He does not want shit. Except a place to sleep when he is hung out to dry. Thank you for the RESPECT.
Where are you guys the nice ones that don’t want to force themselves on me? Huh tell me. I need to get that Pigs, jack asses apply here tattoo removed from my forhead.

Beer and me

Last night I went to the Flying Saucer down behind the Union Station Hotel. It is a really nice beer hall I was highly impressed. I had been meaning forever to get down there and last night I had the chance. They have 77 beers on tap with a total of 222 that’s a lot of beer. The prices range from like $3.00 to $28.00 for a 22oz import. They even have a web site but who the hell doesn’t today beerknurd.com. One could make a goal to try all 222 beers in a life time but last night I tried three; two glasses and the waitress brought me a sample of another. I tried the Smithwick’s Irish Ale I give this beer an A+. The Left Hand Sawtooth Amber gets an A. And then the North Coast Red Seal Ale gets a B. Now I am by no means a beer expert but this is my grading system. I will say as far as class goes the Flying Saucer is a million time more classy than the Stone Lion ever dream of being but then there are port –a- jons that are more classy than the Stone Lion was of course this fact did not stop me from dropping by there now and again when I lived in Chattanooga. But the place did have a bladder bust night for a $1. If you are a beer drinker I say drop by and give The Flying Saucer a try they are a small chain and have 11 locations a small menu and a few beer shots.

Fourth of July

I guess like most holidays there are childhood memories that flash back and you travel back to a time and place where you were innocent and your only care in the world was the here and the now. I have such fond memories of the Fourth of July. Some of the families on the street I grew up on, out in south Nashville, used to get together have a cook out and set off fireworks.
My sister Libby, our father, and I used to take the drive up the road just outside the county line to Smyrna where we would buy our fireworks. It was a quick trip and Libby, and my eyes would grow big. Because we would want the big bang lots of color things that would put on a show and a big bang. Libby and I wanted the big package of firecrackers but Dad would only allow us to get the smallest one which had like 20 in it however, if you spent so much you would get another pack of 20 for free now this was cool. 2 small boxes of sparklers, a ten pack of bottle rockets, those snake things, of course Roman Candles, and a small variety of things that would shoot wonderful colors into the air.
The Picnic brought out what kids thought is the best hot dogs, hamburgers, chips, Cokes (junk food) then water melon, there could have been chicken and ribs for all I knew. We would eat and eat then start with the snakes and firecrackers before it got dark. Our dog Barnaby, a Bassett Hound, would get to sleep in the house he was terrified by the fireworks. As dusk came the things that made pretty colors like the sparklers would come out. Each family would sort of lay out their goodies and we would all take turns till we got to the GRAND FANALLY. To kids it was late and by the end of the night I would be so sick with all the junk food and having inhaled enough smoke from all the fireworks I would be throwing up. My Mom would get out of bed get a cup of water and a cold rag and sit with me until it was over. Then tuck me back into bed. It is my earliest memory of making a promise to the Great Porcelain God that I would never again mix such a concoction. But that lesson was not easily learned.

Tattoos and Saddnes

Well my Birthday is a few months off and I am a big believer in giving yourself a gift for your birthday. This year I am thinking of getting a new Tattoo. I got my last one 12 or 13 years ago as a gift to myself and I am thinking it is about time for another. For years I have thought about getting a Fern frond on my heel or ankle but I am now thinking maybe some thing a little more spiritual though I am not sure what.

I have been in a funk the last week or so and can’t seem to get out. I can’t find my happy place and I have been feeling really anti social. And lonely which is an oxymoron but it is my feelings. A lot of it could stem from the fact that Tony is not going to be moving back in he is going to rent a townhouse near the lake so he can go fishing on his days off and be near the lake. I LOVE Tony dearly he is one of closest and dearest friends. The kind you can call in the middle of the night and have him come running. I was hopping that if he moved back in I could quit Domino’s which I hate. Tony and I are a good roommate match and some how don’t drive each other totally insane. I don’t know what it is and I wish I had the answer now. I know there is a big answer coming but today I am rather out of sorts and a little ill.

If you could...?

I was reading an interview with Kyra Sedgwick and at the end they asked this question: If you could go back in time and give yourself advice -- how far back would you go and what would the advice be? I personally think it is a great question and I have been thinking about it most of the day. I think my life is pretty great everything I have done has made me the person I am today but what would I tell me. What profound lesson do I wish that I would have picked up on sooner?
I might have a few. But for now:

I would return to September of 1989 right before the closest thing I had to a little brother committed suicide. I would tell the then 19 year old me that it is extremely important to tell the people in your life how you feel about them. You should tell them that you Love them everyday/ every time you see them. I remember the long hug goodbye he gave me the last time I saw him , but I don’t know that I remember telling him that I loved him, ever, how he was truly part of my heart. I would tell myself that to late comes way to soon.

Now it’s your turn If you could go back in time and give yourself advice -- how far back would you go and what would the advice be?

Daddy

I have this great memory of my Dad from when I was a kid. It is something small but it brings forth a flood of a special time with Father and Daughters. The time was Sunday night and my Mother would be off to some special thing at church. We would all get in the kitchen and start to work on Piggy’s in a blanket, using Vienna Sausage, canned biscuits, and tooth picks. Once they were done we would get one of my Mother’s TABS and split it between my sister and me, Take our plates with a little mustard and Ketchup on it and go down to the den. We were never ever allowed to eat in the den; Mother insisted that we eat at the table much less have the TV on during meal time. We pulled out the piano bench and used it as a table. There we would watch The Sunday Disney Movie and eat our dinner and Dad would remind us that this was our secret and we couldn’t ever tell Mom that we were eating in the Den, because this event was strictly against the RULES. But this rule breaking event is one of my favorite all time childhood memories of time with my Dad. I want to relive it sometime soon find a Disney Movie , get my sister , send my Mom out of the house and eat piggy’s in a blanket once again in the Den with my Dad.

US Constitution

"Did you know…
The US Constitution is the oldest and shortest constitution of government in use. It was originally written on only four pages of parchment paper and contained 4,543 words, including all the signatures. "
To bad todays leaders don't know what it is or how to follow it. It might help if they would read it. That is if they can read.

DISGRACE

It seems once again that our terribly out of touch Congress has once again allowed its self to get a raise while a large portion of their continuants live hand to mouth. Minimum wage has been at $5.15 for ten years. Yet some how Congress is getting a fat raise for the sixth year in a row, for what I don’t have a clue. Their performance in no way merits an increase of 2% which is an increase of $3,000 which they call a cost of living raise. Where in the HELL is my cost of living raise? Over the last six years some how your cost of living has gone up but mine has not? How is that? How is it that in the last Ten years your cost of living has gone up at least six times but you manage to ignore the fact that people living in the areas you represent have a need to earn more? When is the last time one of you spent a full night and day in the average neighborhoods your district? When is the last time that you had to work for an hourly wage and try and feed your family? Pay rent and then think about health care? When? You are all a Disgrace to the hard working people of the United States and I suggest that you all start looking for a new job because as far as I am concerned you are going to need it!

25 Million

Men, Women and, Children have dies of AIDS. That is the United Nations estimate since the June 5, 1981 blurb in the Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report by the CDC according to an article in today’s New York Times. 25 years ago today the first note was made about a cluster of pneumonia case in 5 gay men. Since then 25 million people have died; that is a Million lives a year, 8,333 a month, roughly 2,739 lives a day, 114 an hour 1.9 a minute lost due to HIV and AIDS related illness. 40 Million Live each day with the illness. AND WE ARE NOT SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF OUR LUNGS.
The Great and wonderful Ronald Reagan ignored the spread of AIDS until 36,058 AMERICANS, that is citizens of the Untied States of America, had been diagnosed with Aids and 20,849 had died. His first mention of came May 31, 1987 after AIDS had spread to 113 countries. Jerry Falwell the founder of Moral Majority and a strong supporter of Reagan’s said “ Aids is the wrath of God upon homosexuals.” (SFGate.com Reagan’s AIDS Legacy Silence equals Death) For six years OUR Government remained tight lipped and silent.
Injustice is worldwide but we still choose to keep our mouths shut, sealed silent. Here in this Bible Belt corner I live we continue to argue over who is responsible to teach our children about the DEADLY consequences of unprotected sex!!! I am 35 years old and still waiting on my Mother to come out of the 50’s and from under her Bible and tell me about the deadly dangers of sex. While the Preaching of abstinence and the fear of losing the Love of God is something that appears to work in the surface the sad reality is that research from 2004 showed that 88% of teens who make the pledge end up having sex before marriage. Teens who have pledge abstinence are just as likely to STDs as those who don’t sign the pledge. However boys are four times more likely to have anal sex. And group wide they are six times more likely to have oral sex (USATODAY :Abstinence pledges may trigger risky sexual behavior).
When are the Churches going to learn that safe sex and abstinence can be taught hand and hand? The fact that the rate of Aids still grows in the Untied States today shows our apathy we will continue to die. Our friends, children, and loved ones are going to continue to have unsafe sex and AIDS will spread.
Each of us by now should have been touched by the loss of someone due to AIDS isn’t it time we stopped letting there preventable death sit silently on our lips. Whose death will you stop?

Cross my Path

It is amazing how people that cross your path in daily life in what seems to be small ways can have such a profound effect on your life and the way you think about the world. The guy behind the counter at the Gas station, the kid down the street, and the blog of the stranger you read, the people a family member works with. It shows you how small this world is that we live in and that someone else pain can make your own heart ache so deep for something that you thought you had come to terms with.

Small as our World is I think we forget just how tiny this world is, I had pushed it to the back of my mind until tragedy struck in Florida and three women were attacked and killed by Alligators. Rare and odd that they should be killed so close together but then the first one was the Sister of lady that works in the same department as my mother, odd the world is small but stranger still the third had a cousin that works in the same department as my Mother same place. We are all just a few degrees away each other. It is a Small World.
A blog I read has once again moved to touch my soul and remind me of what it is I want in this world what I seek. I in all honesty thought I had come to terms with the fact that I might never ever have children. I have even said aloud “ I have accepted the fact that I might not ever be a mother.” When today it became painfully clear to me that I have not at all accepted it when I read the blog of a bloggie friend , as she calls us. Her and her husband attempts to again get pregnant did not work. As I read her blog I knew in her first to sentences that she had gotten her period and I found myself sobbing for her and then for myself. I had this huge ache in my heart and felt her pain deep with in me. Because I understand what it is to want that, to feel that desire. My pain brings forth my deepest darkest most closely held secret to my heart and soul and I want to scream out when I think that I missed the only chance I ever had at Motherhood. That is my fear that I missed it. I always said I would deal with it all when I was ready and I guess today’s the day I face it all and stop forcing it all back inside to a deep place in the dark. The knot sits in my throat, tightness in my chest and I want to scream. Punish myself, well maybe I have been punishing myself for ten years and today I had enough.

Saying Good-bye

I have to let go of ONE of my all time favorite stores Galactic Gateways a New Age and Metaphysical Bookstore is closing. Its main store is only right around the corner from my house and the sites and sounds always made me feel right at home. Whenever I felt I was out of balance this was the local place I could go to recharge when I could not get to the mountains. I would often go and sit in the floor near the books and just relax in one spot or another. Sometimes I bought stuff and sometimes I just sat there. But I never felt alone or unwelcome but sounded by love. It is sad for me I grieve the loss and hope for the owners this is on to bigger and better things. I will miss them as a part of my community, I, will miss introducing people to the store and the sense of belonging I have every time I walked through the door. I thank Ackbar, Katherine, Karen, John, Sean, Ran, Bart, Mary and all the others that made Galactic Gateways part of my growth and part of my heart. May the spirit bless you all.