In through the nose

I have been in the mist of an all day anxiety attack. And maybe that is not what it is but I really don't know what else to call it. My chest is sore because my heart has been beating out of my chest all day long. And then there is this thing of on and of tunnel vision I have had today. Then the tracers. I would love to tell you that I had a few Red Bulls or popped some kind of pill. OK I wouldn't love to tell you that but then I would have an explanation why I feel this way.

I have had minor events like this before but never to last over 14 hours. If this is a new migraine aura can we kindly please return to the one where I get so dizzy I almost fall over? Or just the tunnel vision.

I tried deep breathing, I tried a nap, I tried calling a friend, I even went so far as to try vacuuming. HEART is still beating like there is no tomorrow.

The Day

I have spent the day trying to shake off a good old fashion sense of the lonely blues. I think we have all been there. Days when we feel like we are all alone. This to shall pass. I just sat in the house all day I really didn't call friends and try and get out.
I think in a large part I felt the need to be lonely today. One of those things you just need to face and deal with so you can move on. Just let it wash over you.

What do you do when you have the lonely blues?

Hi

What is new in your neck of the woods?
We are waiting on hellious storms to move through this area tomorrow and I can feel the pressure in my head. Other than the actual storm pressure the house is calm. The roommates I had living with me moved out last weekend. Then a sense of peace came over the house that I did not even realize was missing. Now it is just me and my ghost. We are happy. Well I am happy. I am going to assume he is happy unless he tells me otherwise. For now I will be content with him walking up and down the hall.
Though the last day or two I have been up and down emotional now in this moment I am content. YAY.

D' oh

I just don't know quite what to say. I lost my personal and my work thumb drives. My personal one well it had that blog entry I didn't want to publish on it. Well hellz bellz a lot of blogs I didn't want to publish and ideas for other ones. The start of a story I was writing. Not that I am a writer but you know. It was my thoughts.

Letters I had written that I sent to a friend and letters I had written that I never had the intention of sending. Those were the ones where you pour out your feelings to someone just to get it out. Any way it is gone gone gone.

The work one well I can't even go there with the files and projects that are on it.

I am trying not to freak out and go bat shit crazy. I am hoping I just sat it down somewhere and it will turn up. Like maybe in a drawer or the freezer so if you have seen my thumb drives in its little blue case please message me before I have a stroke

Second Thoughts

I am having second thoughts about that post I have been trying to write for years. I have most of it finished and for now that is enough for me. It was pretty therapeutic just to write it out and save it on my thumb drive. It was also a little gut wrenching
Writing it brought up more than I really expected and some parts of who I am that I don't want to face just yet. I think I am ready to face it and for now it is something I want to with in myself. Then I will share it.
For me the in my mind right now I think this is my one secret. I don't know that I have shared it with anyone before and maybe before I put it here I need to find a space to share it with people I feel comfortable with. Those friends who hold my heart. My warm safe place.
Thanks for understanding.

Finally Ready

I think I am finally ready to tell my story. Becasue many of the detials are fuzzy I am going to be reading back through my paper journals to see if I recorded the details of that night there. I want to have all my facts in order. I have written most of it. It has not been as hard as I had expected.

Running Naked

The roommates are moving out this weekend. Once they are gone and I get the house clean I plan to run naked through the house. From room to room. I am going to watch TV naked. Then if I can find curtains for the kitchen window I am going to make my tea naked. I am going to reclaim my house by being naked. FYI There will be no pictures.

Mail box

I have a friend who I have been exchanging letters with on a regular basis. I was expecting one from him today but it didn’t come so I was quite disappointed. I am always excited to check the mail box as the time for his letters to arrive approaches. I have the timing about down for when I send it to when I should be getting one back. He is a dear friend and we talk about our day and our failings. I love getting mail that is not crap or bills. Who doesn’t?

I once had a friend that bet me I could not find him. I sent him a card with a note and all it said was “I told you I would find you.” And I didn’t sign it. He thought it was a stalker. Technically I was stalking him so maybe writing is not such a good thing. It was long after we stopped talking that it hit me that it was this letter that scared the hell out of him and made him feel threatened. He had a blog that was well one of those raging political things. So hate mail in his E-mail inbox was common.

But I digress back to letters. Real mail is exciting. I had done that swap bot thing for a while and enjoyed doing it. But the work some of the projects took I couldn’t finish what I had promised I would. I am awful.

Who would you write?

My Town

So you have company coming in from out of State. They have never been to your city much less the state before. You know all the famous local tourist attractions where all that visit your city MUST see. But where would you take them that most tourists miss?
What is the little know spot in your town that the locals love and the tourist tend to over look but it really speaks to what your city is all about?

Like in Nashville The Country Music Hall of Fame is a biggie on the must see list of your average tourist

But a lot of people miss the Art at Fisk University where there is a Georgia O’Keefe, Printer Alley etc.

Missing out

It seems here lately I have found out about a number of missed opportunities. My post college BFF died and she had been dead about a year before a learned of her passing. Then a few months ago I learned that my middle school crush had died in like 1996 WTF? I had been looking for him just to see how he was how was his family what he was up too.

It all has made me wonder what else am I missing out on? You know I wanted to sit down with middle school crush boy and tell him you know in middle school I had the biggest crush on you. So we could laugh about it

I am almost 40 I am far to young for this many people I know to be dead. I mean give me a break.

So I have missed out on good byes and missed out on telling people how I rally feel about them though there are those cases when those things are best kept to your self. I mean it is really necessary to tell my 5th grade teacher is one of the worst humans to walk the face of the earth and would it really make me feel better to tell her that? NO.

But I am thinking about the other people in my life the ones that mean something or the ones that really had a profound effect on my life. Do old lovers really want to know if you think of them fondly? Do their wives want you to tell them you think of them fondly? Does that boy you had a mad crush on in high school really care? Or that Gal pal that that you really thought a lot of.

Who would you look up and what would you tell them?

Biscuits

Nashville Looses Icon

She didn’t sell records or write songs. She was not a Titan or a Predator. She didn’t star in movies or TV shows though she did do some talk shows and gave Martha Stewart what for. We lost Our Biscuit Lady. That is what she was known as to us The Biscuit Lady. Carol Fay Ellison passed away in a Nashville Hospital at the age of 48 on April 5,2010. Ms. Ellison had worked at Nashville’s Loveless Café since she was a teen.
Those biscuits were the best I have ever eaten in my life. There is nothing quite like them covered in my favorite Peach Preserves. The only thing I think would make those biscuits better would be home made butter. If you want to tell me your Nanna made better biscuits I would have to tell you prove it. I will sure haul you down to the Loveless and let you chow down.
Nashville will miss Carol but not quite as much as her family and her Loveless Family

I think tonight there will be biscuits for dinner

Punish Kids Here

On my list of task to take on this Easter Sunday is my lawn. The grass honestly should have been mowed over a week ago. Where are all my friends with rotten kids? I mean isn't that what you should do when you realize that your child has been say growing pot on the roof is tell them to call their old Aunt Fern and see what she has for them to do? Isn't that what kids are for is to send them out as punishment to help out the single or old people you know.
Isn't there some rule about duty to serve or something? My God Sister did offer to send her brute of 4 ( 3 boys, 1 girl) up here to help me out but I some how thought sending them 220 miles to do yard work was a bit much and do you have any idea what it would cost me to feed 3 teenage boys working in my yard. OMG I don't make that much in a week.
Not being a parent I don't get the whole punishment rules. However I was punished as a child no really epic punishment as I was not an epic rule breaker until I got to college and that punshment would have been jail time. Sever punishment for me was not letting me watch The Dukes Of Hazard. Little did I know then that my parents were doing me a favor. Have you gone back and looked at that show? It is just not one of those timeless shows.
So when your children are bad and need some form a punishment I ask you to think of your neighbors the single lady the works to much, the older couple on a fixed income and send your rotten kids there to knock and their door and say what can I do to help you? I am being punished I will work for free.

If April Showers

April has arrived and the year is flying by. At least it seems that way to me. I basically have not spoken to my Mother since Christmas Day. When I told her I was done and why I was done. I have been telling her the same thing for over 20 years in every way I know how and yet nothing changes. So I am DONE.
When I received a letter from her yesterday telling me she did not know what she did to hurt me but she was sorry. It just drove home my point. YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME!!! I need to write her back but I don't want to be ugly. So I am waiting. I might share the letter with some friends and seek some advice. I don't know that it would be fair to write her back and say I have told you what you have done and yet you still don't know? But I do not have the strength in me to cover it with her one more time. For over 20 years I have beaten my head against a wall with her. But is it fair for me to have to ask to be treated differently and get nothing and stick around for more?
I am trying to leave my sister out of it. I love her dearly and she is frankly one of the most important in my life and one of the people I can speak frankly and bluntly to. I don't want her to feel put in the middle and I know she has been.

I did get good advice from a friend who asked me if cutting off my Mom was worth cutting off my Dad. And that needed to be something I think about.