AN UPDATE

Well here we are again and I am wondering what to write, what to tell. I know I should write more often if only because I check the blogs of my friends on a daily basis, generally, and I get aggravated at the fact they go weeks and don’t update their blogs I am sure because they have much better things to do. I don’t get to jet set across the country nor do I work with people who would be interesting topics of conversation. I am alone in the office 95% of the time. I answer the phone when it rings 4 times a day and I type. Fun.
But here it is I had tuna salad with ROSEMARY TRISKITS and a pear for lunch. Last night I headed home and stopped and bought me a nice bottle of wine, went home, my friend Greg called to tell me how sorry he was that he did not mail me the CD he did that he swore he would mail on Monday and did not. The salmon I bought had gone bad, but I drank a glass of wine anyway had my broccoli salad, rice, and I cooked some of theose frozen breaded shrimp. It worked. Carl and Abe dropped by with their 5 dogs because their house was being shown and they needed to get out. They looked at paint chips for a wall in my house that I want to paint then left. I went to my conversations group and found myself with my head in my lap laughing. In the group we set up intentions for the week and mine is to be more open to my mother because she is trying. I came home went to bed and fell asleep with the TV on. Next week my intention is to use better punctuation. ( OK not really but it will make Ron happy.)

Spell Check has made me a complete idiot. Not that I was the best speller in the world before hand. But now that I am working at a desk and a computer all day long I have gotten even worse than I was before not really caring or putting a lot of effort into getting stuff right because that little red line appears under the word to let me know that I have once again misspelled a word.
That though is not my biggest problem I am not good at 1 knowing that I have misspelled a word it is more I misuse the word. Here lately my biggest problem his been in talking about what our Mangers are going to need to be doing. Well now the problem is that Mangers is a word though not the one I want and it is not even close I am meaning Managers. You can’t even look at those and figure out what I mean. Unlike since, scenes all those I miss use those and most people get the general idea. But again often my spelling is so poor that spell check can’t even figure out what I want to spell and I end up playing with all the letters in different orders and using different vowels until I know it is the word I want. Like my dictionary is a lot of help do you know how hard it is to look up a word that you can’t feakin spell? It is both good and bad, black and white, yen and yang . But I am not any better a speller better typist yes.

Guess what My Mother has gone and done now?

I called my Mother at work yesterday after having a talk with my Boss at the job that I have been working that is supposed to give me more responsibility and more experience. I called her to tell her that I have been made the title VI Coordinator at my Job. I must say I am really stoked about. But when I told Mom she told me she was proud of me. That was a shock I don’t think she has told me that she is proud of me in years. I was taken aback. It had to be the topper to my day possibly to my week. My mom is not one to “SHARE” her feelings and I have kind of felt her doubt about this job the whole time and it was just good to know that she is proud of me.

VINEGAR

Well I am in a really pissy mood this evening. I was when I walked into the pizza gig and I left the pizza gig early because I just was not feeling it. I was going to rip my stupid bosses head off. I had an address that was not complete with only a letter “c” for a last name because he is to lazy to get a last name and then to verify the address and get it correct so I deliver a pizza to the right people in a timely fashion and Say “good evening Ms. Jones how are you?” But no he is a a a a grrrrrrrrrr.
So I am just not having it and I live alone so there is no one to come home and start a fight with over something stupid and lame like the way they eat pop corn. I want to be left the hell alone but I don’t want to be because I wana start something. Because I want to be left alone and not bothered but I don’t. I have not been this way in a long time. Put em! Put em up!

Fear and Loathing

Well I still can’t manage to write in my personal journal everyday. I used to make time each night no matter how tired I was to sit down before I went to bed and write, my thoughts and feelings about the day and the people in it. Then in the morning I would record my dreams. But I have not been able to do that for years.
I had a boyfriend who attempted to read it once and it really put a stop to me putting down my true thoughts and feelings it was a big betrayal and it caused me to just shove my feelings deep inside me. I also had a roommate at that time that I thought was reading it; things would not be right in my room when I came home. So I would carry it with me every time I left the house as to guard my deepest personal thoughts that I don’t share with anyone- the fear, doubt and what have you about myself and those in my life. Even though I had been given a beautiful Lap Desk to keep it. The whole thing had become tainted. As if my soul had been opened and looked into (without my permission) and I just don’t know if anyone should have that kind of access. It is like Post Secrets only it is not anonymous.
There is no one now to steal my thoughts, feelings, hopes and Dreams yet I still can’t move past all that. I can’t feel safe in putting down what’s inside me in the quite, alone at the close of my day. I know that there is a way past all this to let go of that fear. To again find comfort in putting what is in my being on to paper and in to words, and again enjoy this best part of the moments before I sleep like I did before. But those answers are deep inside of me and my biggest battle is to find the way at the end of the day to place it all on to paper and trust myself.

Chill in the Air

Well the weather in Nashville has been just gorgeous the last few days. I wore shorts , once I dug a pair that fit out of the attic , out Sunday it was near 80 degrees. It was beautiful. I went to lunch someplace with out door seating just so I could read my book and enjoy the out doors. Today it is nice outside also and we are expecting some storms later today. I should make it if I don't freeze to death first. I work in a small office the heat and air controls are in the office upstairs from where I am and I do not have access to them and those fools have their air on. It is only 73 out there and I am about to freeze to death. It is bad enough that we are in the basment so it stays cool here. But Jon's Pigunies are going to following me to work and making them selves at home here with me. I might as well start dressing in black and white so I CAN FIT IN!! I just need feathers. I do have a small heater here so I will not die or anything so dramitc but why can't I make out like I will. I hate the cold! Though this does not help me having a love for the mountains. Sigh what to do?

Excitement and a Conversation with God

Well I am really looking forward to tonight I am a part of a Conversations with God Book Group. The group is based on the The serious of books by Neale Donald Walsh. Tonight we start on book 3 which I have not read yet but am very excited about getting into it with my group. When I found my first book back in 1998 I was having serious problem with church and religion and the book was about a God I wanted to believe in. It help me to come to terms with God having no part in religion and it helped me be OK with that. My relationship with God is better now than it ever was and I have this wonderful Group of people with whom to share it. We are from all walks of life and all back grounds most pretty liberal. But they are this totally awesome group of people there are a few lose ends but I really enjoy them and I am really look forward to what is ahead.

Lost my direction

I am so far off base right now. More on a dietary way than anything else. I have in the last few years managed to quit smoking April 9, 2000 and all but eliminate caffeine from my diet Thanksgiving 2004, having a drink with it in there about once a week. But I can not seem to get on track to not eating junk food. For a long time there I was doing extremely well but it has all gone by the way side. I have become a drive through queen pulling into the drive thro over 4 times a week most weeks which is not good. I am wasting money and gaining weight. Round is going to become my shape and I just can't seem to focus on eating right. I know how to do it I have done it. I just have so much less time in the morning than I used to. A few years ago an hour and a half was more than enough time to shower, drink coffee( now tea) , check my e-mail , and then pack a lunch for work. Today it just does not happen I am fighting no one for shower time but the time just slips by and I am running out the door. I have this addiction to chips- potato, corn , French onion, Bar-b-que, jalapeno, oh and add a good salsa and I am done for a basket of chips will be gone. I have lost my self control. I used to eat a cup and a half of fruit for breakfast every morning !!! What is going on. I buy fruit and veggies and they rot in my fridge I have every intention in the world of eating them and then I don't. What is the deal what's is my problem? How can I refocus ?