I couldn't do it alone

I have been wanting to get out my feelings since the break-in but then I really don't know if those are feelings I want to go back later and relive.

I didn't sleep for a week because I was terrified. One night a week later I barricaded myself in my room and wondered how fast I could get my phone and get into the bathroom and pray I lived till the cops came. Several nights I slept on the sofa with all the lights on. I don't want to really remember feeling helpless and having to call a friend and say look I can't even change a lock. I couldn't even get the screws to go in straight.I wanted to do it myself and use that as a means to reclaim my home and my sense of Independence and I failed.

I pride myself on my I can do it my own damn self attitude and that was gone. I didn't want to leave the house because I didn't want to come home at night alone in the dark. And that made me even madder. That I had lost that enjoyment of being alone that idea I can handle most of what needs to be done by myself.

I can change a door knob alone and I can't change out the wax seal on my toilet alone these were little facts I had come to accept and I couldn't even do the simple things.

I have gotten most of it back. I did call a friend as I walked back into the house last night and he talked to me as I walked from room to room. He had offered to follow me home and walk through the house with me. But I told him "no , I have to do this alone." I have to reclaim my I can do it myself. But it was and is nice to know when I couldn't when I needed my friends they were here. They came and sat with me till the cops came they stayed the first night. They called and called and called. And then I got my smiles in the mail. :)

I had a boyfriend and when we broke-up he ask me if I wanted to know what my problem was? He told me I was to God Dam Independent. He was still pissed because I change a flat tire by myself or some nonsense. So the lesson I have learned I can handle a flat tire but not some jack ass takiing my shit and going through my panties but that is another post