Thanksgiving

Hello to all 7 of my readers. I hope you all are having a great Thanksgiving. I am still chillin out at home before heaqding over to Mom and Dads for lunch and fun famliy time.

I hope you all have a day full of blessings.

Dad lets me drive on the driveway

The last year has been hard on the family. My Dad's health has gone down hill and the man who used to be vibrate and active now can barely walk to the mail box. My mother is saying that the Doctors say it looks like Congestive Heart Failure now. It seems we have been getting one diagnosis after another and each new one is in addition to something he already has. The symptoms for one are the same as the symptoms of another and the list just grows.

I have asked for a list of what he has but my Mother can't ever seem to remember to give it to me. So far what I can remember are ITP, CHF, AND low Blood Pressure there are several more and I am tired.

I don't know if anyone fully understands how it breaks my heart that my Dad might not live to walk me down the aisle. The man who taught me how to drive and how to ride a bike and made piggy's in a blanket on Sundays when Mom was out of the house and broke the rules.

1-800-Suicide

Did I tell you all that this year at my Annual Christmas Party we are collecting funds for 1-800-Suicide. Earlier this year a friend of myself and Sanford my co-host, took his own life after a life long battle with depression. The Demons finally won. Sanford and Mike were BFF.

It has been hard on the group. But Sanford was talking to me about our Annual Christmas Party and he suggested some kind of suicide prevention network. Then he wanted to back down. I had to really encourage him that we needed to go through with this. We always invite large numbers of people and Mike's Mother is always there. He didn't want to do this and her be there and break her heart or hurt her feelings.

I just kept encouraging him to call and ask her. He did not want this to be a sad time for her. Then he made the call. I know this was not easy for him. But he asked. "Would you be OK with it if we collected money for 1-800-Suicide this year? " She told him it would be fine and if we wanted to collect the money in Mike's memory that would be a great idea.

I think Sanford was in shock for many reasons.

Do I think Mike's Mom will get trough the party with out tears. No. But I do hope that the money we get can save the next Mike.

I have a bigger question and maybe you can help. Do I put out a picture of Mike? We are collecting the money in his memory. What do you guys think.

Still

I am still not feeling all that great. But I am feeling better. I am not as lonely as and feeling as desperate as I was.

I am having trouble at work and I am the only one who thinks so. Not going to deep. Not sure who reads this.

On a positive note I am gearing up for the Annual Christmas Party that me and a friend throw each year. Bought a warming tray at a yard sale this weekend. I think I have more trays and bowls than I know what do with. I am trying to come up with some new and different food to serve. Each year we have a few favorites and party standards

Veggie Tray
Home made Humus Plain and Roasted Red Pepper
Bacon Winnie Wraps( BIG HIT)
Cheese Tray
Shrimp

Lots of sweets and home made cookies
Chips, dips

I need something new and different Any ideas

Advice

Thank you to my anonymous readers for their advise. You are very right this is so the time to tread lightly and not go head long into a relationship. But come on its been 7 years I mean really. Not that my ex was all that awsome that is why he is my ex and married to someone else that is not me. YEPPIE!!

Now I need advice on how to find a job in this market.

Been invited out to the country this weekend with a Girl Friend. She is going to put me to work. That will help a ton I think.

You Think?

I had someone else today point out that my post on facebook seem a little tense here lately. Oh because I was beginning to think that I was the only one that thought I was a little disgruntled. The first person that pointed it out ticked me off.


My massage for Friday got canceled because my masseur had a death in his family. The only other day & time they opened did not work with my schedule.

But on the bright side the Christmas Party is Saturday December 12. Now if I can get the house clean and not have to shove everything into garage or under a bed. We will be just fine. Right as rain.

Grrr

bite me

Not so hot

So things have not been good. And I have not wanted to Blog because I am sick of the only thing I write about is how unhappy I am. You know how you reach a point that all someone does is talk about how unhappy they are and you get sick of hearing it. So you no longer wanted to hang with that person. I am that person or at least that is how feel.

I am lonely. I miss being in a relationship I miss having someone to share my life with. Someone to sit at the dinner table with and share my day with, someone I can share the last parts of a day with before we fall asleep.

I am tired of being unhappy in so many parts of my life. I am tired of sucking the life out of those around me complaining about the same things over and over again.

I am trying to figure out ways to improve before I destroy myself. But sometimes you have to destroy something to build it back up.

I don't know.

Lonely

Have you ever been so lonely for the touch of a man that you wanted to cry? I mean the touch of a man that was madly and passionately in love with you. Or hell just for the touch of one that is willing to lie to you about it for night.

Just shot me.

Just bend over

I seems that I am doing a lot of that here lately as far as work goes. I am tired. I need to find a new job but guess what there is not one out there. I have been told by several State Monitoring officials to get out before I go down on this ever sinking ship.

I know I could ask my friends and use them as references and keep looking for a new job. But I am thinking really hard about going back to school. Getting my degree. I am not sure I could get a loan but I guess first I have to try. I need to decide what I want to be when I grew up. This has been a hard time for me and I am worried about losing my job before I find another one. POSITIVE VIBES POSITIVE VIBES.

The stuff movies are made of

Well here we sit again I have been thinking. To get the H1N1 shot or not. I have never gotten a flu shot EVER. When they talk about how everyone should get this shot and the fast rate it was developed I stop and think of that Will Smith movie ( it was a book first)I am Legend you know where they give people a shot to cure cancer and everyone turns into vampire like flesh eating monsters. And I say hell I don't want to be a a vampire like flesh eating monster. I also stop and think of the whole Katrina debacle where everyone and there brother said GET THE HELL OUT as the storm of the Century bared down on them.

So to me I feel caught in this great debate do I get this shot and later find out it is the pox blankets , the agent orange, the asbestos of this time or do I not get it and later as I am on my death bed sick as a damn dog wish I had gone and gotten the shot.

I don't know but I have been thinking..

I was crazy once

... and frankly I still am. Some days I am just crazier than others. I have had quite I bit of stuff rolling around in my head. Dad being sick, working making me crazy, and I have a list a mile long. Which I could stay at the office and work on but my boss will just give me work to do if I stay at my desk.

My house is a hot mess, this lends to my insanity. Fact is I have become comfortable in the insanity which makes me even crazier. Have you ever felt that way? Where you come to realize the new "normal" is WHACKED. I wonder if it is good or bad or a little of both and I am trying to figure out which ones I can live with and which ones need to go.

Not that I have ever been any shade of normal. I love to fly my freak flag.

The Drama

The Dramatic fit of yesterday where I thew myself on the floor and whaled about the ups and the downs and the oh whoa is me thing. Yes that thing. Well I am done now.
I drank the kool aid. Though it was the one with PGA but sometimes its is about the same thing. I drank that crap straight once and it took me about 6 years to think about drinking Jim Beam again.

Seriously sleep and clean gutters helped a ton. Crisp fall air. Ah hello new day.

I am still here?

Maybe I am not really here and I have left my body and traveled somewhere else. Maybe if I say it I will feel better but then I wont feel better because it could hurt someone and that is not worth it.

I am eatten alive with feelings of envy and joy, self-sufficient and self-destruction, self-loathing and self-love, letting go or taking control, and then there's that other thing to keep on faking it or let the world know and everyone I know just how utterly bat shit crazy I feel.

Dancing

When my roommate woke me up coming in the house this morning as I was passed out on the sofa. I was dreaming I was dancing with this extremely handsome Marine in this country bar with saw dust in on the floor. He was dressed in his fatigues Like I would be in a country bar. A mostly empty one. But we danced and we kissed and we talked . It was almost as if we were the only ones there which maybe why the bar was mostly empty. LOL. When I woke up I was depressed it was just a dream and that the romance and the dance had ended. I headed to bed and then when I woke up for the day I was depressed that I was depressed for feeling lonely at having blah blah blah.

But hey I did get to dance.

So what

So what would you all like to hear about? I am out of ideas.

39

I did it I turned 39 on Friday. It is not like I had a choice in the matter. I was rather looking forward to it and all the things to come in the next few days.
Lunch with my boss and a friend then I had dinner with my folks and sister Friday night. Next it was off for drinks with Friends at this fabulous place in Nashville South Street with this great "tree house" area. I brought in 39 with a bang and it subsequently kicked my ass. I drank way to much and well I lived.
Did I tell you that my sometimes not so awesome roommate became a totally awesome roommate when he gave me a new Garbage Despoil how freakin cool is he. He might piss me off now and again but that is a totally awesome and unexpected gift.
Saturday was the day I spent laying on the sofa wondering why I felt so old and hoping to get better to make it to David's where I had been summoned for a chili party before we went to the Vandy Game. When I arrived after being called to hurry up going WTF. My buddy Ricky and his husband had come in to surprise me for my birthday and head to the game with me. I have some freakin awesome friends.

But that folks is not the end of YAY The Goddess is 39. My very good and Dear Friend Stephanie is going with me to a Cabin at Rock Island State Park here in Tennessee. I can't wait to leave. Thursday for 4 days away from it all.

Finding a rhythm

I was at the gym again this morning around 5:30. The night before I got together my gym cloths, shower and make-up stuff, packed up breakfast and lunch, and got together and ironed my cloths for work. I did not think about a snack and I have been about to gnaw my fingers off for the last hour. I am trying to stop with chips. I LOVE CHIPS!!

This morning I got myself up and out the door then I realized I didn't have my top. It was hanging on the door in my bedroom. Oops can't make do without that so I had to turn around and go back home. I am going to need to spend the next few weeks getting down a what works and what doesn't thing. Deciding what I will wear the night before. Going to bed earlier than I have been and getting everything in order the night before. Which means if I have something that either does not fit or is stained and I forgot I am going to be royally screwed because I am at the gym.

It does not help matters that there is a McDonald's across the street and the grease is calling my name to reapply it self to my thighs.

I will tell you that I enjoyed every burger, milkshake , potato chip that got me to this point.

I am also trying to get down a good rhythm for doing weights and cardio of course it can't really be a rhythm I have to keep my body guessing but give it time to rest also.

So the plan is this:

Get Organized and get stuff together to grab and run out the door
Maintain slight amount of A.D.D. in workout

The $25 Massage

I have been promising you guys the little story about the $25 massage I have been getting the ones that I have enjoyed so much that I have been going every other week. I will tell you now seek one out in your community. I am going to one of the local technical schools. And if you are all wha I need a massage but don't have the $65 plus it cost in my area. Then get the to one of these schools. Find one in your area. Sure they are students but they are about to graduate.

When I went the first time I had to fill out this little info sheet and after each massage they ask you to critique your masseur. But get yee to the technical school for a good but cheap massage.

The Before

Here it is The Before of me taken on Monday July 27th this is what I look like as I began my get in shape journey. I was frankly taken aback by it. I knew I had gained a great deal of weight and was pudgy. But Wholly Shit. I stood up straight and did not poke out my stomach but I did not suck it in either. I am not brave enough to post it on face book till I have an after but here I am.

This is not who I want to be. I was up and at the gym at 5:30 this morning. I have to start somewhere and I hope that this picture will be the motivation I need.