Back to Jail with you

You know it is kind of hard to feel sorry for Paris Hilton being thrown back in jail when 1. She BROKE THE LAW. 2. She is a spoiled bourgeoisie princess. It is also hard because I am trying to be a kinder gentler person. And not find joy in other peoples misery. Is she miserable because she was caught. Maybe because she thought she was better than jail. I don't know I am not Paris. I think her show the Simple life uses two EXTREMELY SPOILED Women to make fun of people who bust their humps every day to do jobs that they are proud of or are just trying to keep their families fed.
Paris has never had to wonder where her next meal is coming from. Nor has she ever suffered the pain of being made fun of for wearing hand me Downs. She has never sat with her checkbook and wondered which bill will be paid and which once can wait. She has never had her parents look her in the face with tears in their eyes as they tell their child that she can't go on the trip she has dreamed of because they can't afford to send her.
But of course if that was me I would have been safer in jail my Mother would have beat me senseless. In fact she told me this over and over again as a youth. " If you ever get picked up by the police you had better hope to God they keep you because you'll be safer in jail then you will be here with me." To this day that is one of my biggest fears and it keeps me walking the straight and narrow. I still don't want to call my Mother and tell her I have been picked up by the police and I am 36.
What I want to work on is the bitterness I feel toward "the spoiled rich girl" who never had to want nor need for anything. I might have wanted for designer clothes. But my parents taught me VALUES I never wanted for that.

Post Cleanse ~ Change

I finished the Master Cleanse about about 2 1/2 weeks ago. Once I started eating again I gained 5 pounds back . But the whole Cleanse changed my whole mind set. I had been putting off making the changes I needed to get in shape because I am still working two jobs. I kept saying I would work on getting in shape once I was down to one. But the Cleanse changed my whole thought process.
I have started taking the few minuets I have each evening as I come home to make myself a healthy little dinner to take to work. I am making a whole wheat wrap w/ sun dried tomato paste , Romain lettuce, spinach, mushrooms, assorement of peppers and a little feta cheese. I am still working hard to get away from eating potato chips but I now packing an assortment of mixed nuts and tossing in some sesame sticks. I have avoid the drive thru since completing the Cleanse on nights I work. In fact I don't think other than Star Bucks I have done the drive thru.
I have also been getting up on Mon, Weds, and Fridays at YES the magic hour of 4 am and putting on my walking shoes and taking a walk.
For me the Cleanse was about shedding the weight but it ending up being about me finding a new focus. It helped put me in a place that I have been trying to get for the last two years. I have decided that the way I was living was not a reflection of who I want to be. It is not the way I want to live my life. I am focused on making changes.
It took my a few days to be able to put that down. Because I am so afraid of failure. I have written this all before about how I was serious this time about the change I was going to make in my life and each time I have found reason to not succeed. I have failed myself. I didn't want to put my intention out and fail again. Then the thought accord to me that if I was going to keep thinking I was going to fail then I was setting myself up to fail. I am not going to fail and I just have to change the way that I think. As long as I think I can't do it I wont. So here is to starting to change in mind, body , and spirit.

Liquid Gold

I swear I was so glad to have that big old drink of OJ this morning. I don't think Orange Juice has ever tasted so good in all my life. I lost a total of ten pounds. Yeah me. I made it as far as lunch and was feeling light headed and felt a head ache coming on so I went and got a bowl of soup and have had to spend the rest of the day trying to stop myself from making up for the ten days I went with out food. I gained a lot from the whole fast emotionally and mentally.
I did decide that if I can get up at 4am to drink warm salt water I can get up at 4am to walk and then eventually to run. I am going to get into shape and be fit again.

Master Cleanse Day 9

The only thing that stoped me from eating today is the fact that I am on day Nine and tomorrow is my last day. That's it. Nothing else. I am sick of salt water and the lemon aid. I am just going to get through tomorrow so that I can call it over with.

The Rainbow in My Clounds

Tonight on the 8th day of my Master Cleanse my mother and I went to see Dr. Maya Angelou. She is such a vivid presents. To say that she stirred my soul would be an understatement. The thing I think that I most carried away with me was her story of the Rainbow in her Clouds. She spoke of her Uncle Willy and how when she was young he would hold by his one good hand by the wood stove and make her do her times tables. In part making her who she is today having a positive effect on her life. Instilling the importance of knowledge in her. Upon his death she meet several people who her uncle had done the same thing for The Mayor of Little Rock and a Lawyer who was also a State Representative. Her point was that there are people in your life if they come in quickly or stay for awhile. But they are the bright spots in your life the glimmer of light. When I think of all the Rainbows I have had in my Clouds I think of all of you how each and everyone of you have brought light and joy to me . I love you all. Each one of you for what you have brought into my life and the lessons I have learn as a result. May you know who the Rainbows in your Clouds are thank you for being mine.

Master Cleanse Day 7

I am over this whole thing. I am tired of not eating. It is not that I am hungry the lemon drink is really helping but it is just the lack of variety I have had the same stuff every day for 7 days it has gotten old. I also don't think I am drinking as much of the Lemon Aid I should but I am just tired of it.

Master Cleanse Day 6

It is getting easier each day. I had to train a new staff for a few hours this morning and then headed back to Home Depot to pick up chain for my hanging baskets. Hit a yard sale on he way home and found this great little oak dresser that I am going to use in the foyer. I made it home and spent 3 hours working in the yard pulling weeds. I have plenty of energy. Though I have not been drinking the lemon aid like I should.
I am a big time sufferer of migraines I get them about once a month. They are often very debilitating leaving me in a dark room with a cold compress over my head and no sound anywhere because my hair hurts. Caffeine , stress, and missing a meal can be some of my main triggers I have not had one head ache. When thinking about doing the Cleanse one of my big questions for myself was could I complete the Cleanse without eating and without a head ache. Well I can safely tell anyone with the question about migraines that I was able to do it without one. I think the next 4 days will be easy as pie. ( ha ha I said pie, hot apple pie with vanilla bean ice cream yea).

Tomorrow though I am back in the yard.

Master Cleanse Day 5

Half way home. This is the official half way mark. Today was easy. I got hungry and my stomach would start to growl I would drink the Lemon Aid.

I did go to Home Depot this morning and bought two hanging baskets. Don't ask me what they are they are pretty and need lots of sun which the front of my house gets plenty of in the afternoon. The hooks on the porch are two small so I will need to go back and buy some chain to hang them with I also picked up a large FERN <> though I am not sure where around the front of the house I am going to place it. I have a lot of work to do in the front of the house to get the weeds out of my flower beds.

Master Cleanse Day 4

Today was tough. I did get down the salt water this morning, that was the easy part. I had some light headedness today and I was thinking OK if this does not clear up I will have to eat. But it passed.
My big problem is that I have been thinking about food all day. It does not help that my second job is delivering pizza and I have to see and look at food all night. I have also been thinking all day that this time next week I can eat my soup and then I am thinking of all the things I can chow down on when I am finished with the Cleanse. As unhealthy as it is a big huge cheese burger from Fat Mo's is high on my list then so is a salad the size of my head with Romain, spinach, red , green , yellow peppers, portabella mushrooms,white mushrooms, almonds, crasians and a little feta cheese. SO MAYBE I should stop thinking about food and I can make it through this.
I am going to read through my "Fields of Greens" Vegetarian Cookbook and plan my soup. I suppose a good thing about my thinking about food is I am also thinking how I can make changes in the way I am eating to be and live healthier than I have been in the last year. I have placed myself in a really bad place with my life style I am eating in the drive thru way to much I hope that with this I can learn that lesson and maintain it.
A plus is I don't feel weak and I have energy. As much as I do any other week. I am hungry and my stomach is growling

Master Cleanse Day 3

The Lemon Aid is still helping with the little pangs of hunger. It does not help with the oral cravings to put stuff in your mouth. I am having to fight that battle alone. I LOVE to eat. I find great pleasure in food the taste, the smells , the company weather it be alone or with a group of people. The salt water is still the hardest part to get down. Especially when the cramps kick in and I am still trying to get the rest of it down. Though they don't last long. I am getting up at 4A.M. to get it down and let work its magic so it does not cut into work.

Master Cleasnse Day 2

Well I am a tiny bit hungry but the lemon aid drink really helps with that. I think I have it down so that I am not using to much cayenne pepper and can drink it.
This morning I waited a while to get going on the salt water flush because I was cramping. Once it settled down I got most of it down.
I have noticed food and lots of it- on T.V. that I normally would not pay much attention too. It all looks sooooooo good. I have some left over mac and cheese in the fridge that is just calling my name. But I will clean out the fridge tomorrow and there will not be anything in there but lemons to catch my eye. I should have thought of this before hand. But hind sight is 20/20.
I have some friends and people I know telling me I am crazy for doing a ten day fast. Jon thinks I am going to die. My Mother thinks I am going to mess up my electrolytes. But I am fine so far doing great.

Master Cleanse

I started the Master Cleanse this morning. Its is a ten day fast. Me ten days without food. Be glad that you don't live near me. So far the hardest thing for me has been the internal salt water flush that is hard. It's like someone else said it is like taking a drink out of the ocean. Though I will tell you it is the events after drinking the water that is the most unpleasant.

OK it's 3:35 pm and going with out food has been hard so far and it is only the first day. I am hungry but the lemon drink is helping somewhat. I hate lemon water but you are supposed to add maple syrup and cayenne pepper to it so it is bearable.
I will keep you all posted.
(I still don't have that whole link thing down yet if you want it drop me a line and I will send it to you) .

Letter in a box

I was cleaning out the garage today and opened a box that I have not been through since I packed up before I left Signal Mountain in September of 2000. I had placed in it a love letter I had been given. It was the first love letter I had ever received. He was married and we had been friends. Just friends nothing more. Someone had started a rumor that we were having an affair and I had taken the whole thing extremely hard.
But, back to my letter. The day I got it I remember crying. Not just crying but crying one of those deep hard heart breaking kind of cries. That whale that comes from deep within, grief. I was just devastated. That the first love letter I ever received was from 1. Someone I did not love. 2. someone that was married that I would never cross that line to be with.
Today when I found it and read it again I was rather proud of myself for how much I have grown. I wasn't sad today when I found the letter just grateful for the chance to remember how far I have come. Today there was no pain only joy for the journey I have come through. Today I write love letters to myself.

Wishes on lessons

I was always taught that I should never wish on anyone that, that I would not wish for myself. Though here lately I have found myself wishing that some people get what they deserve. And not in a good way. I think Jon should be happy with his choice to move back to Nashville, Boho Girl and Boy should get the baby they so deserve and so on those are the good things I wish. But there are other people that I think should get what is coming to them for things they have done that are not so nice .I am eagerly awaiting their down fall. I know when it happens I will not get the satisfaction that I thought I would. Relishing in other peoples failure or misery is not what I want for myself. So I am putting out this wish for myself that I can only wish for the good for people. I don't want to waste the kind of energy wishing for ill for other people.
And maybe you could help me.
All this wishing brings to mind my own downfalls if you want to call them that. Each of mine has been a lesson I have learned from , grown from, I am a far better person for each lesson I have had to learn. I am grateful for them all , now. Though maybe at the time I had to pick myself from sobbing off the floor. I did and I grew.

Skeletons in the Family Closet

Families have tons of secrets mine is no exception. About a year ago we receive notice from a woman who said her Great Grand father was my Grand Father. She is our cousin.

My Grandfather had been married before and that marriage had produced a child. That fact that Grandfather had been married before was a old family secret. Ages ago while cleaning out the attic a letter where the first marriage was mentioned was found and later destroyed. There was NEVER any mention of a child. But what all it boils down to is we have a wonderful new member to our family Sherry. She came to visit after Easter with her husband. I wonder what other skeletons are in the family closet?

The Secret

Last night I watched the Secret with my Spirituality Group. OK we did not really get to watch it for some reason Betty's DVD player kept skipping and there were big chunks of it that we missed a two hour movie was turned into like an hour and half movie but I got the just of the purpose of the whole thing. Think it , want it , make it happen. Think positive!!
I have generally been a pretty positive person. But through this I see where I have some major room for improvement on my life. Not that there is not always room for improvement. But it is clearer to me now. I see myself working only one job. I see myself getting a college degree, I see myself with wealth.
Have any of you read the Secret? What are your ideas about it?

Tongue tied

Sometimes I feel like when I write I trip over my own words. I don't know if the point I am trying to make comes across right. I have never been a good writer.
Earlier today I commented on a blog. I was trying to convey that sometimes when people say things that may seem cruel or insensitive it is not out of insensitivity but out of a lack of not knowing what to say. Or a not knowing a person and saying what they would want to hear. Because we are all in different places in our lives and have learned different lessons. So if someone says " That is too bad." Or "It's God's will." alalalala. But I didn't say that. And I am not sure I explained myself well. So maybe I should not have said anything. I commented on the blog because this woman is so totally amazing and I have found such strength in her words and story. That was what I wanted to say...

I would include her link here but I still don't have that down.

Starting Clean

Washing my car at the car wash at Home Depot I loved the way the soap and the water looked as it was forced hard on the windows. I thought I would come up with some great metaphor for the way it looked and what it would mean la la la. But I am on that great road to hell. You know that old saying " The road to hell is paved with good intentions." I have talked till I am blue in the face about how I need to do this and do that I am going to clean house , I am going to exercise the list goes on. Well I am going to wash all that away and start clean.

Secrets

I have such a very limited amount of free time with working two jobs so when I find something I want to do that happens to fall during my time off I will jump at the chance to go and enjoy. Every Sunday I read through the PostSecret Web site
I have been checking on Sundays for over year. I also have one of his books , that Libby gave me for Christmas. A few weeks ago I had such a chance Frank Warren who authors the site and the books was in Nashville. I went to listen to him talk.

I used to say that I didn't have any Secrets then one Sunday as I read through the posted screts I found one that was mine. It was so deep that I never really realized that it was a secret. So I purged myself of it by sending the link to a few people with a note telling them to read down to cards 10 and 11. There you will find my secrets. That was over a year ago.
For the most part I have no deep dark secrets I am an open book. If you are a true friend then you know me. My Secrets , my heart.

A TIME FOR

Everyday at Noon I am part of a group that stops and takes a moment to meditate for Peace in this world. For our leaders. For us all. What do you do at Noon?