SPF - MUSIC ~ TRIBUTE

How hard was this? I knew what I wanted to do but when it came to picking my pictures and songs I was on over load. So there are many and many not listed and pictures not posted.

"In my life" I have had many people.



Who will say " I'll be there for you" They stand up and protect you.



When times are lean and you are down and troubled.



You can always " Lean on me"



Because "You've got a friend"
Who will never let you forget



Those silly things you have done
Because after all " That's what freinds are for"





So "Stand by me."



and laugh with me but in the end all I want to say is "Thank you for being a freind".


Did you play?

When the bow breaks

I am going to Chattanooga Sunday for a baby shower. I am going alone. The beautiful Momma to be already has three nephews. All under 3. Babies , babies , babies. Just thinking about going leaves me crying. I have managed to put a lid on the desires. Ok that is a lie. I just don't talk about it. And if I don't talk about it I don't have to think about it. I get to pretend like it does not bother me that it is not me having that baby. Can I keep up the act during the party? Can I go and not lock myself in the bathroom to cry?
Sometimes I feel as if I have no one to talk to about it. Women like Marcia Cross make me grateful though. Like I am in on some wonderful sisterhood of single , smart , funny , intelligent women over 37 who are single. Thanks Marcia. But somehow I don't think Marcia will answer my call.

SPF ~ Me in Music

May 23rd is (SELF or SOMEONE) YOU IN MUSIC (playing an instrument, dancing, getting ready for a dance getting into music..whatever)

I had a hard time with this one. My excuses are as follows:

1. I am not at all musical
2. This has been a week from hell at work
3. I just couldn't wrap my pea brain around it.

Then I saw Kristine's and the the little light bulb went off in my head and at 6 am I was going trough my boxes of pictures. So here late is my SPF




This is me and Jason Seal what a doll. All I can tell you is we were dancing and we had had a few.




Sr. Prom 1989 I went with Tim Curry. The regular guy not the actor. I was so in love with that dress.




This me ready for Home Coming at The University of Tennessee at Chattanooga 1991. Get Down .

SONGS

Here we are at Friday again and Kristine at Random and Odd has asked us to use a line from a song. I went through a lot of songs and as I was planing my Mother's gift for mother's day only one thing stuck in my head and that is what I had to go with now it's stuck in your head. MAWHAHAHA

Song: Coconut







DID YOU PLAY?

In getting in the swing

It is freaking cold here in Nashville. Right mow it is 57 degrees and cloudy. Brrr. It is May isn't it? The wind is blowing and Mom is calling it a Blackberry winter. I was with her late today for Mother's Day so a nap in my sweats is out to late for a nap. If I sleep now I wont sleep tonight. I love naps in the middle of the day even if they are little 15 minute naps. When the weather is right I like napping outside. But today it is cold and I have even shut the windows in my room. Though the ones through the rest of the house are open I can just stay hold up in my room till it warms up. Maybe there is that pesky thing called work and those damn people at Wells Fargo want their money. It never ends.

Believe in me

Today is the day. I spent a year working on this project and another year waiting for the answer as it is all reviewed by the state. My boss and I have a meeting with the Executive Board of the Department of Mental Retardation Services this afternoon. I don’t think it would have gotten this far if it was not good and I am hoping this meeting is just a final interview. While waiting I have held off looking for a new job, I have worked a second job, I have not taken a vacation, and lets not get into my bills. Waiting on this thing to take off. Waiting on the State to approve us for being a Service Provider. Today is the day I find out if my Mother was right and I am wasting my time. I have other friends who have expressed the same concern but it annoys me more coming from my mom. So today I need all your good vibes, good thoughts, positive energy. I stuck with this because I believe in it and today I need more than me to believe.

SPF- MY I-POD

This weeks SPF from over at Random and Odd was Your IPOD.








I am part of Kristine's No pod club. This is the boom box that sits on the extra desk in my office. I turn on the radio every day and listen all day to JACK FM , There is no DJ and songs don't repeat every four hours. But if you all want to get me or Kristine an I-pod or what ever it is.

Did you play?

My Internet Balls

OK well I don’t have any. No really I don’t I am a chicken shit, even here in my blog. If you don’t know what Internet Balls are Kristine at Random and Odd who made it in to the Urban Dictionary with that word says it is:

“When you think you can sit behind your computer screen and write whatever you want, to whomever you want. These are not things you would say to the person if you were face to face. That would require having balls when you're away from your computer...which you don't. Internet balls are only obtained while behind the screen and keyboard.”

I lack them. Seriously I do. I say all kinds of things. I have wanted to blog my thoughts about all kinds of things, things that people I know have done. People they date, hell people I date, stupid things they have done. But I keep it off my blog. I haven’t got the balls to do it.

I have drafted several little ditties about people in my life only to delete them. And if you have to ask me if it was you then the answer is yes it was you. That may be why I don’t blog a lot there is not a lot going on. I don’t have kids, a husband or boyfriend, or crazy co-workers to regal you with tales of that cute little thing that my kid did today or my co-worker is so crazy. It is just me and my boss in my office and as Dooce has taught us all don’t go bashing your boss on your blog if you want to keep your job. Not that I mind that stuff. I read blogs of people that talk about their families daily.

I just don’t think people will want to know that stuff about me. I work I sleep I repeat some days I work two jobs. I think about ex- beaus and sometimes go as far as to try and google them see if I can’t track them down give them a call. Do you people really want to hear that stuff? I am sure he does and I think he reads this blog. That can put a stop to what you say in a blog.

Knowing that your friend Sally reads your blog and you think her husband Kyle is a total jack ass and he did this really obnoxious thing, like he always does, and Sally knows he did but she likes to live as if he is some Saint and if you put down that event and your thought about it then the little Fantasy Land that Sally lives in is shattered and she no longer wants to speak to you. But really it is not Sally that you no longer wish to see. So we all sit in a little group and talk about Kyle and the blinders that Sally goes through life wearing. Now if Sally were to ask me all bets would be off. But Sally is not going to ask me. Sally knows better. So I don’t blog about it because if Sally wanted the truth she would have it.

What I over all aim for is something that would be of interest to my friends without crossing that line of alienating the friends I have. With a dose of humor mixed in. Does one of my friends really need to know what I use to remember their birthday each year? I think it is funny but would they? The likely hood is YES they are a friend and my humor is one of my best qualities. But I don't put it here for fear of upsetting them. So sometimes you need internet balls.

So I am going to try and blog more about what is going on in my life and find a happy medium between what I to tell some of my friends but not the rest of them. I also have to make up my mind if I want to name my friends or give them colorful nicknames. This would be the point where my friends chime in and say hey don’t use my name. But then if I give you nicknames then it might be easier to confuse some of you. Then you wouldn’t know for sure if I was talking about you or not. Because for some of you ‘Shamus’ I can point to something shinny and you forget I am talking about you.
Look over there Dolce and Gabbana on sale.

Songs

Well Kristine over at Random and Odd has given us a pretty cool assignment for this week SONG . I love music I am just not good at remembering what the songs are called. So in some aspects you all are lucky you did not end up with a picture of a school bus and the song title “ Wheels on a Bus” Ooops I hope no one does that. Any way this is what I could get my head around while working two jobs and such.






Money - Pink Floyd

Did you Play?

The thrill.....

Some days are full of thrills. You live it on a euphoric high. Other days you start out great but end up tumbling out of control and crashing, having to move on and never be the same from the experience you just came through. But the point is that you pick yourself up and keep going. You never know just whom you might inspire. It could be people a world away or someone close to you. The point is that YOU touch and impact the lives of people whether you know it or not.
Know that even as you are picking yourself up from this defeat and it seems like you aren’t going to make it the strength you are showing is an inspiration to others around you. And one day when they don’t think they can make it they will look at how you made it and know that they can over come too.

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I am still here. BOOO. I have been to tired , too busy , or to lazy to post. When I have something grand to say I'll let you know.

Towels

Well SPF today was towels. This is me in my towel all fresh and clean without my big fat terry cloth bath robe. I don’t know what got me started wearing both as I get my face on in the morning but I do. Maybe it was having company. Anyway this is my towel.

Did you play?

Do you Twitter

I have been following a few peoples twitter accounts Kristine over at Random and Odd and Heather over at Dooce and not really sure it was something I wanted to do. I thought it was more TXTing thing and its not. But really all I need is something else to keep me from working. So I checked my gmail account, which I never do, last night and there was an email from one of my oldest friends Steph asking me to join twitter from back at the first of March. OOOPS. So I did it I joined twitter and now I am a twitterer or maybe just a twit but I am a lovable twit. Not to mention all kinds of cute.
Ok back on track. You can also follow me on twitter, peek in and see what I am doing you can join me there and we can twitter each other. I mean really when was the last time you twittered with someone?
And if you’re really lucky I got the links in my blog this time but don’t get your hopes up.

Good Bye Mike

Today was the funeral and memorial wake for my neighbor Mike. He was an amazing man. A husband, father, son, brother, craftsman, old hippie, friend and much more to every life he touched. I have been blessed so have him and his family in my life. I learned from him He was a no hold bard tell it like it is man. Checking out and watching out for you man. He was the neighborhood watch.
He would not want us to think about all that was lost but how he lived and lived he did.

Good Bye Mike

Numbers

I have no reason for this set of numbers. I was kinda stuck on this one. But here they are my numbers. For SPF. Did you play? Run over to Random and Odd and play too.

Numbers

So this Friday Kristine over at Random and Odd has made SPF (Stuff Portrait Friday) all about numbers.

SPF THIS WEEK:
NUMBERS. It seems like everything lately revolves around numbers; age, dates, birthdays, weight, money, sizes…everything is a number.
Here are a bunch of examples of NUMBERS in photography.
Don’t forget to post this Friday’s assignment on your blog so your readers can get ready.

Stuff Portrait Friday - Your Favorite Picture

Kristine over at Random and Odd has started back up with Stuff Portrait Friday again YAY!!! The link to her site is over to the right there. Anywho I have a lot of favorite pictures but this one happens to be one that is in my computer. I still need to scan all my pictures. I like this one. Why ? well it is just the over grown look of the stairs. I really can't explain why I just thought it was cool when I took it.

You shouold do it. Post your favorite picture then go over to Random and Odd and tell Kristine you played so everyone can check out your photo.

I didn't even have to yell

Today I had to call tech support for a web site we use at work ‘ The Work Number’
It is an employment verification site that a number of companies are using now. This site has been royal pain in my ass in the past. I was trying to use it today to verify employment and was unable to get logged in. I tried emailing for help and after a few hours I found a number and called them I was tried of waiting. I was so proud of myself because I didn’t even yell I was calm and cool the whole time. I know those tech support people catch a bunch of shit. Because by the time you call them or get through the 20 minutes of…

“ All our costumer services agents are busy assisting other costumers. Your call is important to us please continue to hold and the next available agent will be with you shortly. All calls are answered in the order they are received.”

…you are already past wanting to beat your computer with a bat. There are days if I had one at my desk my computer would be a goner. But alias my computer and the guy at the work number avoid my wrath.

Speaking of my wrath. I must brag on myself because what I did was …. Well I should get a gold star.

I got a love letter from a young man who has been after me for time. He lies like a rug and he has been caught a number of times in lies and well he is 21 what do you expect.

Here is his letter to me sent on 2/3/2008:


Hey fran,
I know it’s been awhile since we’ve talked, and I’m probably one of the last people you would want to hear from. I just had some things I’ve been thinking about for some time. The first thing is that I do love you, I always have, and I always will. I know that’s hard for you to believe now, but it’s the truth. I want to be able to have you back in my life, not only as a friend but as a partner. The second thing I wanted to talk to you about is how badly I fucked up. I was anything but honest, and I caused you more pain than pleasure. No one should have to be in a relationship like that, and I can’t tell you how upset with myself I am for doing that to you. I want you to know that I love you, and I want you to be happy, even if it’s not with me. I have to go but I check my email a couple times a day while I’m out to sea. I hope I hear from you soon.

Love always,
George

Isn’t that sweet? Well, two weeks ago his fiancée logged on using his SN and I being the loving kind gal I am sent it to her. < BIG EVIL GRIN> I still got it!!!

Hate is Insidious

I have been trying for a few days to gather my thoughts. I wanted to be able to write a letter to Representative Sally Kern, R, OK, with love in my heart. The love you feel for all mankind. Approaching something like what she said any other way would be counterproductive. I am grateful to be a citizen of the United States of America along with the numerous freedoms that comes with that freedom one of those freedoms is the freedom of speech. However, when someone is an elected official there are lines. She has crossed that line. I am of the feeling that it is hate that is the insidious cancer on society today.

I have numerous questions like where are Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton? Had she spoke out about the African-American community that way they would beat down her door. It would be headlines on the news. They would demand that she be forced to resign. Larry King would do a show as I am sure would Oprah. But again we seem to be in a spot where we are accepting discrimination. Now the disbelief that we look back at the lunch counter sit-ins with and wonder why we ever let things get that way. Why would we treat another human like that and think it was ok? Yet somehow we don’t seem to get up in arms when another HUMAN is treated with this kind of flagrant disrespect, just because he or she happens to be a homosexual.

There is no agenda. I have been to meetings and if there is I sure missed something. The fabulous crab dip was not one of them. Yes I have been hit on by women they were unwanted advances I have also been hit on by married business men and so many male drunks I have lost count those were also unwanted advances Where is their lynch mob. Every gay man and woman I know wants one thing LOVE. They want the same things every other citizen of this country wants think what you want for your life and this is what they think about.

Discrimination in any form is not acceptable. Why are we accepting it?

SHE DOESN'T SPEAK FOR ME!!!

Rep. Kern, Sally
District 84
Republican






Capitol Address:
2300 N. Lincoln Blvd.
Room 332
Oklahoma City, OK 73105
(405) 557-7348
District Address:
2713 Sterling Ave.
Oklahoma City, OK 73127
Email:
sallykern@okhouse.gov

6 years

As of yesterday it had been six years since I have been intimate with a man. Six LONG years.
When I started seeing KB we cuddled and when we did that it had been a long time since I had done that too. (KB is gone BTW)
I feel ready to explode. I have all this energy built up inside of me and I need to get it out. I am not a hop into bed with a guy kind of gal. At least not since I was in my mid-twenties anyway. But damn!! How long does a gal have to wait to find the right guy? What gives?!?!? I know I could have had all kinds of sex with all kinds of men but I am picky picky picky. There is this huge part of me that is about to say screw waiting for love and just have wild sex with some 20 year old.
I am not sure if I should celebrate holding out this long or throw myself under a bus.

Someone Else’s Shoes

Although these flip-flops have been in vogue for a few seasons they weren’t when I got them. They remind of an action from myself that I am not proud of and of a person I am not proud to be. I wasn’t getting my way and I pitched a total fit. Another person was acting in kindness and was trying very hard to do something nice to make me happy and I would not have it, because they were not what I wanted. I was ugly and disrespectful to this person because the store did not have the sandals I wanted. Mine had broken while we were on vacation. And these were the best we could do. I acted childishly.
When asked what is your biggest flaw, your worse quality this is it, Acting like a brat.
Every time I slide my feet into them now I remember that day and how acted. I think about how I could have acted differently. How that is a person I don’t want be. It often feels as if they are someone else’s shoes because that is a person I want to leave behind. She is still there but when I put them on I remember these are shoes of someone I’d rather never be again.

A NOTE JUST FOR YOU

I would like to take this time to wish a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to RWK.

There Is A First Time For Everything

So Friday before going to the hospital I ran some errands one was at the bank. As I got out of the car there was this very nice looking man he walked in with me and commented on what a beautiful day it was and I agreed with him. He opened the door for me and then raced to open the other one too. I had to fill out a deposit slip and he went ahead and did his banking as I walked up to do mine he walked out. When I finished he was waiting by his truck doing some digging around on his passenger side which was where my car was parked we spoke again and I left. Wishing I had given him my card. So I didn’t do crap. But I did post something on Craigs List. Maybe he’ll see it. There is a first time for everything.

My Funny Valentine

As I have blogged before for the last several years I have made a dinner reservation at one of my favorite restaurants on Valentines Day and taken myself out to dinner. It has been the most liberating experiences of my life.
However, this year I spent a few weeks struggling with doing it again this year. Financially things are tight. So I had to ask myself is this an expense that I can afford? Emotionally I just was not sure if I wanted to spend this day alone at a table in a romantic restaurant. This year a fear of the event set in. I was not sure I could be out there and be happily single. I dine alone often and I enjoy it but why was the choice this year so hard? I wanted to want to do it.
I have been feeling a lot like the pre- Goddess the feelings of insecurity and have not been at all proud to be single.
Even though I had my doubts I went ahead and made a reservation on the 6th for my table for one. After all if I wanted to go I needed to be able to get in, right? I wanted to be able to do this for the right reason the ME REASON. Not as a self serving pity party. And sitting around and hoping I might magically get a date for this night could be amount to wishing the last 7 years with Bush in the White House had never happened.
I had told one guy I know about my Valentines Dinner for one and he told me he thought people would think it was pathetic and desperate to go and sit at a table alone on Valentines Day. Then a wonderful beautiful woman said she loved the idea. I am sticking with the woman we tend to know better anyway.
So I just got over myself.




I liberated myself. The longer I sat at the table the happier I was. I wish all women could love themselves enough to dine alone on Valentines Day. I still have a long way to go and frankly I think I need to treat myself more often to wonderful diners, long hot baths and give myself the same encouraging words I pass along to my friends. I often forget my own value but today I started to see myself for the wonderful, inspiring woman I am. My hope is that all you know what a wonderful value you have you are rich with the wonders of life.






(Note: thoughts for this blog were complied over 3 to 4 weeks as I worked through the feelings leading up to this day in order that I could have an accurate account)

Attention!!!!

So you all know my Girl Scout cookies have arrived all four boxes. I am not running or even trying to run so I figured I will eat all of them before the end of the month maybe even the week and enjoy every damn one of them. Perhaps with some vanilla bean ice cream. And if you try and take one from me I will bite your fingers off in a fight for every crumb. We now return you to our regularly scheduled mind dribble.

Made it

Just wanted to let all of you out there know that those storms skipped right over Nashville. We made it through just fine but our neighbors on counties on either side of us (Williamson and Sumner) took a pretty hard hit. The sirens went off all night long.I normally can sleep through just about anything. I will awake after a storm and people will ask did you hear that? I ask hear what? But that night that weather kept me awake. It was a wild night

It's called Democracy

I got a warm welcome:
I followed the signs:


And then .........

All Cracked up

Well Brit-Brit has finally been committed. The court has seen fit to give her family a temporary conservator ship over her and her estate. This is wonderful news as we have been witness to her downward spiral. She will be able to get the help she so desperately needs and hopefully then be a mother to her to beautiful boys.
Britney is not the first star to have a public melt down and have her mental illness splashed across the headlines. The list is a long one and each of them including Ms. Spears is lucky to have family and a bank account with the resources to get the help she needs.
What all this notice on Ms. Spears and other high profile celebrities fails to highlight are the millions of people and their families that live with mental illness on a daily basis. Most families do not have the team of therapist available to them that the Spears family has been so fortunate to have. Nor do they have lawyers that can help arrange an involuntary commitment or temporary conservator ship.
Where our focus needs to be is on the millions of families who desperately need the kind of help that Britney is receiving. These people have no idea who they can call or how in the world they will pay for the medications let only the help that is required to help a family member who has taken the kind of downward spiral that Britney has done so publicly. The recent case in Washington D.C. where a mentally ill mother killed her four young children it is then that the system stands up and takes notice. So let’s take the attention of bubble gum pop and focus on the millions lost in the system of hopelessness.
I don’t claim to have an answer to this issue. But this is the issue I am on today.

Bucket List

So this new movie "The Bucket List" and the article in today’s paper have me thinking about my own personal Bucket List and all the things I want to do before I kick the bucket. In no particular order they are:

1. Get married 2.Have a babies 3. Sky dive 4. Make amends with an old college friend
5. Run a marathon 6. Get a passport and use it to travel the world. 7. Take a gourmet cooking class 8. Raft the Colorado 9. Visit the Opera House in Sydney 10. Visit the Louvre 11. See a baseball game in every major league park. 12. Attended a World Series Game (w/ the Braves in it would be a plus) 13. Snow ski 14. Own a fast car. 15. Hike the Appalachian Trail. 16. See a fall in Maine 17. Attended a Super Bowl
18. Take a writing course 19. Get my college degree 20. Take a wine tasting class.
21. Get the nerve up to go topples on a topless beach. 22. Learn to play poker.
23. Find the funny. 24. Use the Ball Gown that is in my closet just in case. 25. see an active volcano 26. Fire walk. 27. Scuba dive 28. Go to Six Flags. 29. Own a cabin in the mountains 30.Learn to sew. 31. Hike into the base of the Grand Canyon 32. Learn to Surf 33. Go to the fish market in Seattle and watch them throw fish 34. Get a dog (German Sheppard or Flat Coated Retriever) 35. Keep adding to my list.

I am sure if you all did your own list I will go oh yea cool I want to do that too.

Things I have already done:

1. Ridden a bull 2. Been to Hawaii 3. Made friends I will never forget.4.Seen the Grand Canyon 5. been in love 6. Own a home 7. Been to Washington D.C. 8. Been on a Cruise 9. Gone Deep Sea Fishing 10. Lived in the Mountains 11. Danced in the Rain 12. Laughed till I cried. 13. Rafted the Ocoee 14. Camped out under the open sky
15. Learned to Ice Skate. 16 .Had a job that I felt was my purpose 17. Seen the JGB.
18. Joined a book club. 19. remember what I have already done.

It's nothing personal but.....

You know people suck. I have been chatting on line with this guy Dennis for 7 years. I met him while I was still dating Kelly and we have been chatting back and forth on and off all this time. Dennis was coming into town on business Tuesday and Wednesday I had agreed to get together with him while he was here for dinner. All I asked was that he give me a call and let me know when he thought he might be able to meet me so I could make my plans. He never called not even a quick shot email to say hey Goddess things are crazier here than I thought can't meet you. But no it's nothing personal but I have no manners.

To Anonymous

Confidentially to Anonymous- Drop me an email and let me know what your up too.

When it's 10

Degrees that is. That is what it was when my alarm went off at 5 AM this morning. 10 degrees. Can you say wholly Sheep Shit Batman. I can't seem to find that motivation I need to get out of bed and run. OK I can't find the motivation to get out of bed at all. There should be laws against making you leave the house on days like today. Makes me think it was a wise decision not to move to Alaska like I was thinking of about 9 years ago.
I would not have done well there. But, at the time the idea of ten men to each woman was rather appealing. I went so far is to have a few news papers sent to me and was looking for a job and a place to live. The Sunday Paper in Juno is tiny. I can't remember why I gave that up. I know I talked to my buddy Ricky about it over and over and all he would say is "Ya I know." I guess it is a little late to slam him on that. Ricky come over here and let me fuss at you hit you with a hair piece.

I have only been doing that to one person this guy I have been seeing I'll call him Kentucky Blue , K.B. for short. We are not serious , just dating taking it really slow and getting to know each other. There is no pressure one way or the other. He is sweet , funny, kind, very handsome, with a great smile and softness behind his eyes. He has not seemed satisfied with me just saying OK. He wants to know what I think so now I am going to start to tell him. Should someone warn him? I don't come with one of those warning labels WARNING CONTENTS ARE OPINIONATED AND VOLATILE. OK KB you wanna know what I think sit back here I come.

What's so funny?

My friend Betty thinks I am funny. Well hells bells I think I am funny but not on my own. Betty thinks I should work on a stand-up routine but Betty is 80 I keep hoping she'll forget. But, she doesn't.

Betty wants me to do an open mike nite somewhere. HELLOOO. I need a straight man to do my routine off of. I am the friend that will put your foot in your mouth after you say something.

It is obviously something I have been thinking about. Betty got going with this early last summer. I don't think digging down and finding the courage to get on stage is my problem I think digging down and finding something I can do on my own is. Finding the funny is. I don't know that I can be funny by myself all alone on stage with people looking at me. How do I find what is so funny just me with no one to feed off? It is not like I can go to Stand Up School. OK I am sure I could but it is not like going to typing school so you can get a job typing.
I can't even write funny. Alright I do write funny but that has more to with bad English than with humor. Which as I recall was a pretty good group.

This is only a test

The last two days have been nothing if not trying. It has been an emotional roller coaster. My father has been sick for some time. He has something called ITP and it all has to do with low platelet counts. He has been on steroids and then chemo to get this under control. Plus he has been weak and having dizzy spells for the last few weeks. He is also getting older and will be 75 this Sunday.
On Wednesday he was at work he got off the van and passed out. Falling forward onto his knees and then smacking his head on a car. After a minute he regained conciseness and they moved him into the break room and told him he was done for the day. He called my Mother to tell her and to let her know that he was going to have someone from work drive him home. She told him that he was going to have someone bring him to the Hospital. When he arrived his heart rate was in the
30s now he has always run low but not this low. Test were done and he was put in a room. He had many an EKG and the words Pace Maker were being tossed around.
Today he was given some kind of electro cath test first thing they wanted to be sure with this test. He went from this test right into surgery for placement of a pace maker.
I have been a little emotional. When my Mom called me at work Wednesday and told me what was happening she said he was fine and to wait to hear from her. I sat at my desk for an hour unable to focus and waiting for my boss to come in. I cried out of fear . Called and TXT some friends. And went to the hospital.
Daddy will be home tomorrow. My friends have been fabulous from calling to stopping by the hospital to check on me and my family. You guys are the best I love you all. I have felt all your love thank you for helping me through another test.

Failur is not an option

I am thinking I can't get this whole marathon thing done. It involves way to much. I know why most people fail at their New Years Resolutions. Sleeping is so much easier. But getting ready to run this marathon involves so much. I have to admit to those who do not already know that I have started smoking again. I am not buying my own cigarettes but I ma bumming them from my friends who smoke and it is not just me smoking when when I drink which is not often. I am smoking whenever I hang out with the smokers. Except that one that smokes menthols and he is saying he is quiting. So not only do I need to quit for health and the marathon but I am going to quit to help encrouage him.
It is all in line with this live healthy thing in 2008. Get all the toxicity out of my life. Though I am not ready to give up my occasional drink nor my medium rare steak. But smoking, a few people , the drive thru. These are things I am going to clean out of my life oh and lets not for get shoulder pads.
I am not going to fail at this I am just having doubts. What are your doubts?

Welcome 2008

We have put another year behind us. 2007 was not a bad year , my family and friends are healthy and safe. I live in the greatest country in the world. I have great friends whom I love very much. I have put unnecessary people out of my life and brought in some new people in.
One such new person has called me out on a challenge that I have made myself for years and always fizzle out on. He has put it to me to get it done even posted his challenge in a video on his Myspace page. I have been saying for years I was going to run the Music City Marathon. Well here it is for the world to see IN APRIL I WILL BE IN THE MUSIC CITY MARATHON. I don't know if I am going to do the half or the whole yet. But I will myself be in it. I invite you all to Nashville to run with me or you can meet me at the finish line. I also invite you all to check-up on me ask me where I am in my training.
What challenges have you made for yourself this year?

2007

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? This was a boring year.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Most Of them I did not have any money to manage better this year , I read more by joining a book club , I started and stopped exercising more times than I care to count, I am still working two jobs and that still sucks bricks, I did keep in better touch with friends and my house is cleaner this year . So I got about half and half this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Not to a baby.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Nope.

5. What countries did you visit? Never left the USA but I traveled far and wide in my dreams .

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? A vacation.

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why. I don’t know that there was a totally stand out date.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Letting go of the past.

9. What was your biggest failure this year? Not knowing when to say enough is enough and letting people take advantage of my good nature.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I had a car accident. Thank God no one was hurt.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Food.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?. I know lots of people who have had a wonderful year.


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? George Warde

14. Where did most of your money go? Car payment, house payment.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My sister moving in with me and our annual Labor Day trip.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007? Heck I don't have a clue.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? Happier.
ii. Thinner or fatter? Thinner.
iii .richer or poorer? Poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more? Hanging out with friends, traveling, exercising.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Working.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? Here in Nashville with my family.
21. Did you fall in love in 2007? No

22. How many one-night stands? None, I don't do that.

23. What was your favorite TV program? TV? I like CSI, NCIS,

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't hate people but I sure as heck don't really like a few people anymore.

25. What was the best book you read? Water for Elephants rocked and was this years favorite. I really liked A Thousand Splendid Suns and Run.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? I liked Paul Potts

27. What did you want and get? The greatest friends in the world. I am so blessed with a great group friends whom I would not trade for the world.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? I am Legend ( didn’t get out much)

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I went to Knoxville w/ my sister. I was 37. We do something every year for my birthday.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? To not have to rob peter to pay paul.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? Are shoulder pads still in style?

32. What kept you sane? The Great Spirit and the greatest friends in the world.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Vin Diesel can still eat crackers in my bed.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? The War , Gun Control , Equal Human Rights

35. Who did you miss this year? Jonathan

36. Who was the best new person you met? I met lots of great new people Shamus, James, Emily, Sherry, David, Anthony, Cheryl, and my friends from The Adsagsona Paranormal Society

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007: That I still am way to nice sometimes.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "Sunny days keeping the clouds away........."

Sense of style

Anyone who knows me knows I am not a fashion diva. I have always moved to the beat of my own drum and dressed in what is comfortable. Just because my clothes are out of style does not mean I will get rid of them. Yes, I know that shirt in my closet from middle school in 1984 is not in style but I can wear it under the sweater I still have from middle school. Right? Look I got rid of my sweater dress years ago. If I got rid of all my out of style and out dated clothes I would have wool slacks and silk blouses and some cute little black dresses left. My jeans aren’t even cool as my sister told me. But I suppose it is time to get rid of my 4 pair of stirrup pants. Yes, folks I still have stirrup pants I haven’t worn them but hell I can’t throw shit out. But now I have them in my Good Will stack. Along with all my old sweaters I guess 20 years for a sweater is a little long.
Now don’t get worried I am still going to march to the beat of my own drum dress a little odd have a sense of style that ranges from totally classic to bohemian to what the fuck Who would I be if was totally in style? Not me
But in the new year I will shop for clothes a little more and move to get rid of all my clothes from the 80’s and early 90’s if I get really daring then I will even get rid of the clothes from 6 years ago but don’t hold your breath.

She's here!!!!

One of my all time favorite people , my confidante , in the past my worst enemy. But , now one of my best friends. My baby sister has arrived in Tennessee and has moved her belongings into my house. She has left her job as a Program Coordinator for a year round camp in Potosi,MO after coming to the conclusion that she does not like the Midwest. She is unemployed and looking for work so if you have work she needs it. She has rent to pay damn it.
She and I have not lived together since I left for college some 18 years ago. We are no longer teenagers but grown women. I know that I am not that teenager any more so I know we will handle any differences we have differently than we did when we were screaming teenagers. Welcome Home Sissy.

30 inches

There is an article in today’s Tennessean (Nashville’s idea of morning news) about the State looking at how it would handle 30 inches of snow. Anyone who has spent even one winter in the South will know that they would not. The first thing the State should look at is how it handles 3 inches of snow.
Anyone not familiar with a Southern snow call it goes a bit like this.

Three days before snow
WEAHTER ALERT …………WEAHTER ALERT………… WEAHTER ALERT

Mr. Weather Man:
Snow is coming to the Nashville area we are looking at 2- 3 inches. Three days from now.

There is a MAD RUSH to Kroger to buy bread, milk, and staples for several days. There will be long lines at the gas station to fill up your car. Some people will return to the gas station each day to top off until the threat of the impending disaster has passed. With this kind of weather people will not be able to leave the house. The closer we get and the more they talk of the snow that is coming the worse it gets. Candles, batteries, and generators are hard to come by. We are all going to die. Block Buster has a run on DVDS there is not a new release or game thinga ma bob to be found. We are in this for the long haul. DON’T YOU KNOW!!! YOU could be trapped for DAYS!!

The Night before:
Across the bottom of the screen will scroll a list of the schools that are closed. YES folks they call for the possibility of snow and a light dusting at that and the area public schools close, so do the daycare centers, private schools, and a few businesses. Schools that do not close worried parents keep their children home for fear they might get stuck at school.
(Now albeit this is a reality it happened to me during the great snow sometimes in the early 1980’s they closed school at noon and I arrived home 12 hours later having ridden with a teacher I beat some of the kids that got on a bus at noon home. But as I recall there was something freaky about that snow)

When you wake up and there is snow you will find the mall closed. And nuts that should have stayed home out driving 10 mph and slamming on their breaks trying to get to work. HELLOOOOO don’t ride my ass stay ten feet behind me you fool. The military base at Fort Campbell will close. Yes FOLKS THE SCREAMING EAGALS THE 101ST Airborne. Can’t handle a little snow. And we give theses people guns

The city is out putting brine on the road some kind of salt mix. City buses are running their snow routes the extra shifts are called in at the police dept.

If you have ever lived in a normal city the shock of the events will kill you I swear.

BUT 30 INCHES here in Tennessee?!?! Would make Katrina look like a well run operation.

Sanity

Somehow I am not sure I know who that person is out of my group of friends. I think we are all a little off kilter. Some of us are more "normal" than others but we don't hold that against you Kim really we don't. We all love you despite the lack of insanity.
I get the feeling that some days I suffer from enough insanity for everyone I know, Except for Jon no one needs to be that crazy. But then I think we all have those days. It will be a bad day when we all go ape shit together. But that would involve tequila. We should all get together and test that theory. Who wants to join me?

Seven Things

Though I was not tagged to list 7 things you might not know about me I thought I would give it a shot. I am not going to tag any of you just check your blogs till you post it.


1. I have been known to listen to Conservative Talk Radio. I don’t agree
with it but I listen.
2. I am part of a Ghost Hunting Group
3. I have a Ball Gown in my closet just in case
4. I love seafood.
5. Caffeine triggers my migraines so I avoid it. This does not include
chocolate
6. I love to cook. One of my favorite things is to make bread by hand.
7. When I was a kid I was scared of the Sandman.

Putting a lid on it

I would like to be able to say that I have moved passed the overwhelming desirer to become a mother but I haven’t. I was all boo hooey last week sitting in my office crying over what I don’t have, A husband and a child. I know people are trying to be kind when they tell me about women having kids into their forties. But it hurts. It is painful.
I am lonely painfully lonely and it is not a pain right now that friends can fill. I miss the intimacy of being in a relationship. But then I depress myself even more because I like to think of myself as HAPPILY single but I miss being in a relationship and find myself lonely. I don’t know if that is a mix I can fully explain. I hate to even admit that I am lonely IT IS AN UGLY CYCLE. Round and round I go.
So here I sit lonely with the overwhelming desire to be a mother. Not a good mix. I know that I will move past lonely this is a phase. But the tick, tick , tick remains but for now there is a lid in my pain.

Reflection

I am always in a never ending state of reflection and when I am in my deepest state of it seems to be when I find the need to blog about it. I have been thinking about each one of you in the last few days and all the wonder you have brought into my life. I am lucky to have had great friends come into my life some are still here some have moved on.
I recently had to ask someone to leave my life. It was a hard thing for me to do. I said goodbye and am moving on. I am feeling this lose rather deeply and I am taking it rather personally. Because that is what I do. I feel deeply and take my friendships very personally. But it was necessary.
It does make me want to be back in touch with friends I have not spoken to in a while. Their numbers jotted down on scraps of paper that never seem to get into my phone. I lose track of the numbers and when I come across them while cleaning or working on my resume I say I need to put her number in my phone and put it someplace I wont lose it and well I have lost it again.
Well, name giver I think of you often. Even though I don't call. I think of all of you who have left your mark on my life. I have learned so much from what you brought to my life. People you meet just briefly. That random blog you come across. Even the person I have just in the last few weeks asked to leave has left a wonderful mark on me. Helping shape me into a new and better person. The joys and sorrows are all worth it. Thank you for being my teachers each of you. You are the wonderful reflections in my life.

zzzzzzzz

I have not been sleeping well. I wake up tired. Of course when you wake up at 3:30 in the morning and can't go back to sleep this implies not sleeping well. But I am sleeping. Is this a plus? I was up past midnight last night and awake at 7 this morning. I tried to go to go back to sleep. I miss sleep. That go sleep where you wake up and roll back over and go back to sleep. I don't drink caffeine so don't tell me stop drinking caffeine. Maybe I need sex. Or rain. Maybe sex while its raining then I will sleep like a baby.

Once again

I love my birthdays I am like a big kid telling everyone that it is my birthday.
I had a great one and spent the weekend hanging out with Libby in Knoxville and we had a blast. Went out on a Friends boat on the lake and got to just relax. Then On Monday the family went to the Melting Pot for my birthday dinner which is one of my all time favorite places to eat. On my Birthday I went out to lunch with my Mom and then home till my book club met. Shamus and Cheryl bought my dinner. Then Shamus took me back to his place and we drank way too much wine but I had a great time and enjoyed the good conversation. The next day I did not enjoy myself I was sick as a dog an all day sick. In fact I still feel crappy today. This birthday I am old.

The whole TICK TICK TICK thing has not gone away. It is still there and loud as hell. I am trying to ignore it. It is not working and I am blue as hell. However I hide it well. And only those closest to me would have an idea that I am as sad as I am but none of those people are around which in part is a good thing because they would worry me to death checking on me. Which would upset me even more and make me fake it more. I hate faking joy. Can't I just be miserable?


I joined eHarmony a while back and well ...... that is all I can say about that. I might just need to cancel it for right now because I am miserable and that is really not the time to be looking for the future Mr. Ferngoddess. I have meet a few nice guys but there was no spark. I might be too picky. I am afraid to ask because I really don't want to know. It might just push me over the edge at this point.

There was the younger guy. But that is well I just don't know any more what it is. I am hung on that and that is part of my problem too. I feel pathetic. So on top of being miserable I am pathetic which makes me even more miserable and my clock is still ticking loudly.

I found out today that the State may take up to three months to get back to us about our application to expand our services which means that I have to keep my second job possibly up until December or January. Just what I need at this point. Now I am depressed. I was so looking forward to quiting having weekends off and to myself. I HATE my second job. Hate it!! I wanted it to be over.

But I had a really good black bean soup for lunch today and my birthday weekend was pretty rocking.

TICK,TICK,TICK

Can you hear the ticking I can it is loud from within me it comes from someplace deep and it is like the noise of something you can’t seem to get away from when you try to sleep. TICK TICK TICK. Like the crocodile to Captain Hook it is there and I can’t seem to get away from it and sometimes I am afraid it will swallow me up and I will be gone, or at least a dream that I am so far of binging ready to let go of will slip off like a wave on the beach and there will be nothing that I can do to hold on to it as it slides through my fingers.
Birthdays that I used to find such JOY in looking back at how I have BECOME as I get older have turned to serve as a reminder to me of what I don’t have. It is almost as if now the noise only gets louder. TICK TICK TICK.
I put of becoming a mother till I had a husband, which I still don’t have, but the thought of saying I am ok if this never happens for me only brings up deep anguish and brings a pain like none I have ever felt to my heart and soul.
LOVE, MARRIAGE, FAMILY. Isn’t that the order of it all? The old lines that people say make me want to stab them with my fork, though that is not very Zen.
“It will happen when you least expect it.”
“Stop looking and then it will happen.”
But will it happen before my clock winds down and comes a screeching halt. At this moment I don’t want you to tell me how young I am and how women are having babies into there 40’s I am not those women. It is my pain, my emotion, and my dream that stays just outside my grasp.
With all this I understand why people don’t want to hear how it will all be OK. I want my pain to stop but I also want to live in it feel it get to know it as well as I know my joy. What is wrong with being sad feeling a deep pain that makes you want to wail like a dying animal. I feel so all alone in all of this as if there is no one else out there that knows what it is like to feel this wanting and pain when I know there is and each of our pain is real. But yet I weep alone in the darkness of my home and I have no one to share these feelings with and the darkness for me grows deeper when I want to reach out and lay my head on someone who owns my heart and wail. With them there to offer a comforting touch. But there is no one to hear the TICK TICK TICK but me.

Today I feel...

Yeah I think I have waited long enough can I tell him now?

Still kicking

After more than a month away I am going to stick my toes back into the blogging pool. I have fallen off the walking thing about two or three weeks ago. Yes, I am a loser I am going to get back at it tomorrow.

I have been five years without activity dating. I have had a few dates here and there but nothing I wanted to take someplace. I thought I had found someone I could date. All be it he was much younger than I am, I was going to give it go I had known him for 5 years and was excited about getting to know him better and all that wonderful stuff that comes along with being in a relationship. Comes to find he had not broken up with his Girl Friend like he told me he had he was still engaged to her. She intercepted an email I sent him about us getting together. I was upset I think more at losing a friend than not having someone to date. People who know me know that I am guarded and to have that used when you let down your guard is hard. But this to I shall survive. He is not the first man to have lied to me and lord knows he wont be the last.

I have joined a book club and am reading and getting out a little more. Not being such a hermit. I am still working two jobs though but I am trying to make some changes to my life and be more social.

Back to Jail with you

You know it is kind of hard to feel sorry for Paris Hilton being thrown back in jail when 1. She BROKE THE LAW. 2. She is a spoiled bourgeoisie princess. It is also hard because I am trying to be a kinder gentler person. And not find joy in other peoples misery. Is she miserable because she was caught. Maybe because she thought she was better than jail. I don't know I am not Paris. I think her show the Simple life uses two EXTREMELY SPOILED Women to make fun of people who bust their humps every day to do jobs that they are proud of or are just trying to keep their families fed.
Paris has never had to wonder where her next meal is coming from. Nor has she ever suffered the pain of being made fun of for wearing hand me Downs. She has never sat with her checkbook and wondered which bill will be paid and which once can wait. She has never had her parents look her in the face with tears in their eyes as they tell their child that she can't go on the trip she has dreamed of because they can't afford to send her.
But of course if that was me I would have been safer in jail my Mother would have beat me senseless. In fact she told me this over and over again as a youth. " If you ever get picked up by the police you had better hope to God they keep you because you'll be safer in jail then you will be here with me." To this day that is one of my biggest fears and it keeps me walking the straight and narrow. I still don't want to call my Mother and tell her I have been picked up by the police and I am 36.
What I want to work on is the bitterness I feel toward "the spoiled rich girl" who never had to want nor need for anything. I might have wanted for designer clothes. But my parents taught me VALUES I never wanted for that.

Post Cleanse ~ Change

I finished the Master Cleanse about about 2 1/2 weeks ago. Once I started eating again I gained 5 pounds back . But the whole Cleanse changed my whole mind set. I had been putting off making the changes I needed to get in shape because I am still working two jobs. I kept saying I would work on getting in shape once I was down to one. But the Cleanse changed my whole thought process.
I have started taking the few minuets I have each evening as I come home to make myself a healthy little dinner to take to work. I am making a whole wheat wrap w/ sun dried tomato paste , Romain lettuce, spinach, mushrooms, assorement of peppers and a little feta cheese. I am still working hard to get away from eating potato chips but I now packing an assortment of mixed nuts and tossing in some sesame sticks. I have avoid the drive thru since completing the Cleanse on nights I work. In fact I don't think other than Star Bucks I have done the drive thru.
I have also been getting up on Mon, Weds, and Fridays at YES the magic hour of 4 am and putting on my walking shoes and taking a walk.
For me the Cleanse was about shedding the weight but it ending up being about me finding a new focus. It helped put me in a place that I have been trying to get for the last two years. I have decided that the way I was living was not a reflection of who I want to be. It is not the way I want to live my life. I am focused on making changes.
It took my a few days to be able to put that down. Because I am so afraid of failure. I have written this all before about how I was serious this time about the change I was going to make in my life and each time I have found reason to not succeed. I have failed myself. I didn't want to put my intention out and fail again. Then the thought accord to me that if I was going to keep thinking I was going to fail then I was setting myself up to fail. I am not going to fail and I just have to change the way that I think. As long as I think I can't do it I wont. So here is to starting to change in mind, body , and spirit.

Liquid Gold

I swear I was so glad to have that big old drink of OJ this morning. I don't think Orange Juice has ever tasted so good in all my life. I lost a total of ten pounds. Yeah me. I made it as far as lunch and was feeling light headed and felt a head ache coming on so I went and got a bowl of soup and have had to spend the rest of the day trying to stop myself from making up for the ten days I went with out food. I gained a lot from the whole fast emotionally and mentally.
I did decide that if I can get up at 4am to drink warm salt water I can get up at 4am to walk and then eventually to run. I am going to get into shape and be fit again.

Master Cleanse Day 9

The only thing that stoped me from eating today is the fact that I am on day Nine and tomorrow is my last day. That's it. Nothing else. I am sick of salt water and the lemon aid. I am just going to get through tomorrow so that I can call it over with.

The Rainbow in My Clounds

Tonight on the 8th day of my Master Cleanse my mother and I went to see Dr. Maya Angelou. She is such a vivid presents. To say that she stirred my soul would be an understatement. The thing I think that I most carried away with me was her story of the Rainbow in her Clouds. She spoke of her Uncle Willy and how when she was young he would hold by his one good hand by the wood stove and make her do her times tables. In part making her who she is today having a positive effect on her life. Instilling the importance of knowledge in her. Upon his death she meet several people who her uncle had done the same thing for The Mayor of Little Rock and a Lawyer who was also a State Representative. Her point was that there are people in your life if they come in quickly or stay for awhile. But they are the bright spots in your life the glimmer of light. When I think of all the Rainbows I have had in my Clouds I think of all of you how each and everyone of you have brought light and joy to me . I love you all. Each one of you for what you have brought into my life and the lessons I have learn as a result. May you know who the Rainbows in your Clouds are thank you for being mine.

Master Cleanse Day 7

I am over this whole thing. I am tired of not eating. It is not that I am hungry the lemon drink is really helping but it is just the lack of variety I have had the same stuff every day for 7 days it has gotten old. I also don't think I am drinking as much of the Lemon Aid I should but I am just tired of it.

Master Cleanse Day 6

It is getting easier each day. I had to train a new staff for a few hours this morning and then headed back to Home Depot to pick up chain for my hanging baskets. Hit a yard sale on he way home and found this great little oak dresser that I am going to use in the foyer. I made it home and spent 3 hours working in the yard pulling weeds. I have plenty of energy. Though I have not been drinking the lemon aid like I should.
I am a big time sufferer of migraines I get them about once a month. They are often very debilitating leaving me in a dark room with a cold compress over my head and no sound anywhere because my hair hurts. Caffeine , stress, and missing a meal can be some of my main triggers I have not had one head ache. When thinking about doing the Cleanse one of my big questions for myself was could I complete the Cleanse without eating and without a head ache. Well I can safely tell anyone with the question about migraines that I was able to do it without one. I think the next 4 days will be easy as pie. ( ha ha I said pie, hot apple pie with vanilla bean ice cream yea).

Tomorrow though I am back in the yard.

Master Cleanse Day 5

Half way home. This is the official half way mark. Today was easy. I got hungry and my stomach would start to growl I would drink the Lemon Aid.

I did go to Home Depot this morning and bought two hanging baskets. Don't ask me what they are they are pretty and need lots of sun which the front of my house gets plenty of in the afternoon. The hooks on the porch are two small so I will need to go back and buy some chain to hang them with I also picked up a large FERN <> though I am not sure where around the front of the house I am going to place it. I have a lot of work to do in the front of the house to get the weeds out of my flower beds.

Master Cleanse Day 4

Today was tough. I did get down the salt water this morning, that was the easy part. I had some light headedness today and I was thinking OK if this does not clear up I will have to eat. But it passed.
My big problem is that I have been thinking about food all day. It does not help that my second job is delivering pizza and I have to see and look at food all night. I have also been thinking all day that this time next week I can eat my soup and then I am thinking of all the things I can chow down on when I am finished with the Cleanse. As unhealthy as it is a big huge cheese burger from Fat Mo's is high on my list then so is a salad the size of my head with Romain, spinach, red , green , yellow peppers, portabella mushrooms,white mushrooms, almonds, crasians and a little feta cheese. SO MAYBE I should stop thinking about food and I can make it through this.
I am going to read through my "Fields of Greens" Vegetarian Cookbook and plan my soup. I suppose a good thing about my thinking about food is I am also thinking how I can make changes in the way I am eating to be and live healthier than I have been in the last year. I have placed myself in a really bad place with my life style I am eating in the drive thru way to much I hope that with this I can learn that lesson and maintain it.
A plus is I don't feel weak and I have energy. As much as I do any other week. I am hungry and my stomach is growling

Master Cleanse Day 3

The Lemon Aid is still helping with the little pangs of hunger. It does not help with the oral cravings to put stuff in your mouth. I am having to fight that battle alone. I LOVE to eat. I find great pleasure in food the taste, the smells , the company weather it be alone or with a group of people. The salt water is still the hardest part to get down. Especially when the cramps kick in and I am still trying to get the rest of it down. Though they don't last long. I am getting up at 4A.M. to get it down and let work its magic so it does not cut into work.

Master Cleasnse Day 2

Well I am a tiny bit hungry but the lemon aid drink really helps with that. I think I have it down so that I am not using to much cayenne pepper and can drink it.
This morning I waited a while to get going on the salt water flush because I was cramping. Once it settled down I got most of it down.
I have noticed food and lots of it- on T.V. that I normally would not pay much attention too. It all looks sooooooo good. I have some left over mac and cheese in the fridge that is just calling my name. But I will clean out the fridge tomorrow and there will not be anything in there but lemons to catch my eye. I should have thought of this before hand. But hind sight is 20/20.
I have some friends and people I know telling me I am crazy for doing a ten day fast. Jon thinks I am going to die. My Mother thinks I am going to mess up my electrolytes. But I am fine so far doing great.

Master Cleanse

I started the Master Cleanse this morning. Its is a ten day fast. Me ten days without food. Be glad that you don't live near me. So far the hardest thing for me has been the internal salt water flush that is hard. It's like someone else said it is like taking a drink out of the ocean. Though I will tell you it is the events after drinking the water that is the most unpleasant.

OK it's 3:35 pm and going with out food has been hard so far and it is only the first day. I am hungry but the lemon drink is helping somewhat. I hate lemon water but you are supposed to add maple syrup and cayenne pepper to it so it is bearable.
I will keep you all posted.
(I still don't have that whole link thing down yet if you want it drop me a line and I will send it to you) .

Letter in a box

I was cleaning out the garage today and opened a box that I have not been through since I packed up before I left Signal Mountain in September of 2000. I had placed in it a love letter I had been given. It was the first love letter I had ever received. He was married and we had been friends. Just friends nothing more. Someone had started a rumor that we were having an affair and I had taken the whole thing extremely hard.
But, back to my letter. The day I got it I remember crying. Not just crying but crying one of those deep hard heart breaking kind of cries. That whale that comes from deep within, grief. I was just devastated. That the first love letter I ever received was from 1. Someone I did not love. 2. someone that was married that I would never cross that line to be with.
Today when I found it and read it again I was rather proud of myself for how much I have grown. I wasn't sad today when I found the letter just grateful for the chance to remember how far I have come. Today there was no pain only joy for the journey I have come through. Today I write love letters to myself.

Wishes on lessons

I was always taught that I should never wish on anyone that, that I would not wish for myself. Though here lately I have found myself wishing that some people get what they deserve. And not in a good way. I think Jon should be happy with his choice to move back to Nashville, Boho Girl and Boy should get the baby they so deserve and so on those are the good things I wish. But there are other people that I think should get what is coming to them for things they have done that are not so nice .I am eagerly awaiting their down fall. I know when it happens I will not get the satisfaction that I thought I would. Relishing in other peoples failure or misery is not what I want for myself. So I am putting out this wish for myself that I can only wish for the good for people. I don't want to waste the kind of energy wishing for ill for other people.
And maybe you could help me.
All this wishing brings to mind my own downfalls if you want to call them that. Each of mine has been a lesson I have learned from , grown from, I am a far better person for each lesson I have had to learn. I am grateful for them all , now. Though maybe at the time I had to pick myself from sobbing off the floor. I did and I grew.

Skeletons in the Family Closet

Families have tons of secrets mine is no exception. About a year ago we receive notice from a woman who said her Great Grand father was my Grand Father. She is our cousin.

My Grandfather had been married before and that marriage had produced a child. That fact that Grandfather had been married before was a old family secret. Ages ago while cleaning out the attic a letter where the first marriage was mentioned was found and later destroyed. There was NEVER any mention of a child. But what all it boils down to is we have a wonderful new member to our family Sherry. She came to visit after Easter with her husband. I wonder what other skeletons are in the family closet?

The Secret

Last night I watched the Secret with my Spirituality Group. OK we did not really get to watch it for some reason Betty's DVD player kept skipping and there were big chunks of it that we missed a two hour movie was turned into like an hour and half movie but I got the just of the purpose of the whole thing. Think it , want it , make it happen. Think positive!!
I have generally been a pretty positive person. But through this I see where I have some major room for improvement on my life. Not that there is not always room for improvement. But it is clearer to me now. I see myself working only one job. I see myself getting a college degree, I see myself with wealth.
Have any of you read the Secret? What are your ideas about it?

Tongue tied

Sometimes I feel like when I write I trip over my own words. I don't know if the point I am trying to make comes across right. I have never been a good writer.
Earlier today I commented on a blog. I was trying to convey that sometimes when people say things that may seem cruel or insensitive it is not out of insensitivity but out of a lack of not knowing what to say. Or a not knowing a person and saying what they would want to hear. Because we are all in different places in our lives and have learned different lessons. So if someone says " That is too bad." Or "It's God's will." alalalala. But I didn't say that. And I am not sure I explained myself well. So maybe I should not have said anything. I commented on the blog because this woman is so totally amazing and I have found such strength in her words and story. That was what I wanted to say...

I would include her link here but I still don't have that down.

Starting Clean

Washing my car at the car wash at Home Depot I loved the way the soap and the water looked as it was forced hard on the windows. I thought I would come up with some great metaphor for the way it looked and what it would mean la la la. But I am on that great road to hell. You know that old saying " The road to hell is paved with good intentions." I have talked till I am blue in the face about how I need to do this and do that I am going to clean house , I am going to exercise the list goes on. Well I am going to wash all that away and start clean.

Secrets

I have such a very limited amount of free time with working two jobs so when I find something I want to do that happens to fall during my time off I will jump at the chance to go and enjoy. Every Sunday I read through the PostSecret Web site
I have been checking on Sundays for over year. I also have one of his books , that Libby gave me for Christmas. A few weeks ago I had such a chance Frank Warren who authors the site and the books was in Nashville. I went to listen to him talk.

I used to say that I didn't have any Secrets then one Sunday as I read through the posted screts I found one that was mine. It was so deep that I never really realized that it was a secret. So I purged myself of it by sending the link to a few people with a note telling them to read down to cards 10 and 11. There you will find my secrets. That was over a year ago.
For the most part I have no deep dark secrets I am an open book. If you are a true friend then you know me. My Secrets , my heart.

A TIME FOR

Everyday at Noon I am part of a group that stops and takes a moment to meditate for Peace in this world. For our leaders. For us all. What do you do at Noon?

COOOOOOOKIES

THEIR HERE .

Table for One

I have taken to really appreciating myself and enjoying my time loving me. So again this year I made a Dinner Reservation at Mambu here in Nashville and took myself out to eat. I came home early from work , took a nap , then did a mud mask before taking a long soak in the tub ( OK not that long I am so impatient) while listening to some cool Jazz tunes. I painted my toe nails fixed my face and my hair and drove myself out for my Valentines Dinner. With me.

It is such a liberating experience and I enjoy it!!! I am in hog heaven.

I don't think I have ever realized the freedom of letting go of old feelings than I do with Valentines Day. I used to use this day to dress in Black and I would spend all day in what I called mourning. Because I was mourning the lack of a love life. But all that time I missed something , ME. Not anymore.

But I have a life and I have love. I love , I am love. My goal , my intention is to love myself every day like I have today. And always enjoy my Table for One.

HELP

If anyone out there in blogger land would like to explain to me like I'm a 5 year old how to add in links to the new blogger. I will be greatful. I couldn't do it in the old one either. But I got the whole picture thing down.

Track 29

Pretend there is a picture of a train here. I didn't want to steal one.


So if my plans go as I hope I will be in Chattanooga Wednesday Night for dinner with the my Gal Pals. Go me!!

Peace

There is something so peaceful about snow fall. Especially when I can sit home on my sofa and drink my tea and watch it out my window. This view is from my front porch as I went out to get my paper. It is going to be a great day to meditate and call Jonathon and wish him a Happy Birthday.

SPF

My button. One day as I work though this I will figure out how to put in links and such your lucky I got the picture here. But I did learn the other day watching some game show that the belly button is your very first scar.

Life's a Puzzle

Some days I totally get life and other days it is a puzzle. There are days I have blanks that I can't quite fill in and I spend my day looking for what fits in each place. I can sometimes go back though out the day and take another look and get what I was missing. And then sometimes I have to wait till tomorrow for the answers to come.

Here lately I have been having the strangest dreams I am not sure what they are telling me but they are some nights vivid well lite but last night I was in a crowded and dark house. Just one more blank to fill in I guess.