Fern Goddess

Know that....

2012-02-12T12:09:00.003-06:00

Dear Friend;

You know who you are and I hope you are still checking my blog. I know you broke up with me when I would not be supportive of you going back to a husband who beat the fuck out of you. (I totally get that my last statement was passive aggressive.) But I could not and would do that. I understand that you felt betrayed by me and that you love him and he is your husband and you want to make things work. You feel everyone has misjudged him and no one will give him a chance. I need you to know a few things.

When he does ,and he will, hit you again and you decided that you are worth more than to be used as his punching bag. When you realize that no amount of mood stabilizers will fix what he is. When you decide what a bright , funny , loving , kind person you are . I am here for you. I pray for your safety every single day. I Pray that he does not kill you. I pray that you will be able to get away. I pray that , that beautiful spirit I once knew is still there. I pray you know what value you have as a person, a woman, a daughter, a sister, and a friend.

Know that I still love you my dear sweet friend , know that my door is always open to you. Know that you can call me and I will be there.

I know you did what you felt you needed to do. When you are ready come home.

Stephen King

2012-01-05T18:59:00.002-06:00

I have started reading 11/22/63. It is 842 pages in hard back not including the Afterward. I should be finished this time next year. Unless I fall alseep reading , drop the book on my head and send myself into a coma.

I Resolve

2011-12-29T19:02:00.000-06:00

New Year’s Resolutions for 2012

1) Be a better and more present friend. I have wonderful friends many of whom live in other states and I don’t talk to them like I should. We go way to long without talking and in the New Year I want to fix this. There are tons of ways to talk –phone , email, skype, facetime etc and I miss them. I miss you.
2) I want to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and make a move toward doing it.
3) I have been saying for years this will be the year I start running and now I have been challenged to get moving. Ya we’ll see But I am going to try.
4) Quite honestly 2011 was a pain in my ass. It was a hard year New Job, My Dad was sick , Depressed most of the year . I want to wrap it up put a bow on and store it till I am ready to learn from it.
5) I have got to see Poppy this year. She is getting so big and I want to love on her and her Momma.
6) Gotta Sky Dive again

down with it

2011-09-12T18:58:00.003-05:00

After a stern talking to by my doctor about getting my blood pressure down or else back in June. I called my doctor today and made an appointment to go in and get some meds. I don't even have the energy to exercise I am having head aches on a weekly basis because my BP is so high and I frankly don't want to have a stroke. I have to be around to tell AJ stories about her mother and I and all our adventures.

I had a choice of either this Wednesday or October 10th because the company I work for requires a minimum of a two weeks notice for a day off. I could not go this week. So if I do stroke out before then sue them. I could have called in sick on Wednesday but damn my mother and her ethics. Why did she have to teach me to be all moral and crap.

So I am going to get meds then get busy well I will get busy on the days I am not feeling like death on a stick.

the shock would kill you then you would kill me

2011-08-25T19:34:00.002-05:00

So earlier this week I posted a status on Facebook "believe me I don't say half the crap that comes to my mind." someone asked why and I stated I wanted to keep my friends. So she started a FB page so I could let lose. I think she is missing the point I say crap and there right next to your breath smells like dog doo is my cute little face.

The point of me not saying it is I have some sort of a filter all be it a very poor filter if you know me. I let things fly out of my mouth and someone will have to call my name and be like "really Fran did you just say that" I will be like Yep. When called on things I have said I have offered to repeat it to their face. But you just don't want to tell someone they are the same selfish bitch they were when they were 13. OK maybe you do but for now I would rather keep that tide bit of info to myself I mean really I already get myself in enough trouble as it is.

But still filter ,filter ,filter

PANIC

2011-08-18T20:42:00.002-05:00

So last I wrote I was going to go to school and be a Nurse, an RN. Then after I made my decision and sent out my post, Utter panic sent in. I changed my mind, then I changed it back and now I want to vomit.

Like that time bought a home pregnancy test and peeing on that stick when your 19 ok ok not that bad. That was way worse. It does feel like the time I bought a car and drove off the lot and I all of a sudden thought WHAT IN THE HELL HAVE I DONE??? GET ME OUT OF THIS!

I can still get out of this. I haven't done anything yet. I can keep on living this mundane life without a degree of living pay check to pay check. Earning vacation and being to poor to leave town. Or I can do something more with my life.

I was in school once before and I got far and then flunked out then decided I didn't want to teach any more.(If I could throw myself on the floor or the Chase lounge in a dramatic Southern girl, I have the vapors way I would) Oh Rhett!

So do I pee on the stick or what? Or keep hopping I am going to get my M.R.S. YA OK I'll give up that ghost just like I had to give up that whole romance with C. Thomas Howell. Gawd I loved Pony Boy. Do you think I could still marry him? ok I 'll go to school.

But I am still in this full on panic is Nursing school the right idea? What if I am wrong? What if I am supposed to be a lawyer? Or Party Planner? Seriously I have thought about party planner. But the health insurance plan sucks.

Oh hell I don't know. Stay tuned next week I might want to be a firefighter.

You smell that buring....

2011-08-10T20:22:00.003-05:00

.....It was me thinking. I had a very ...um.. euphoric maybe an epiphany is a better word. Anyway it sort of took me by surprise. Like it was the first time I heard it but it wasn't. People have been saying it to me for years. "why don't you do nursing?"

And I have always been like no, that's not what I want to do.

"You should be a nurse" I don't like needles I would reply.

Then today I was with a client at the Doctor and the PA goes "you should be a nurse" And it hit me like YEAH A NURSE that's what I want to do when I grow up is be a nurse. Maybe kind of like walking into the kitchen and suddenly realizing that box you have been opening every day is a refrigerator. Well maybe not but how do you put that into words?

So I am going to look into Nursing School. RN . Have I lost my mind?

big fat hairy DUH

2011-08-06T20:58:00.002-05:00

So last year when I turned the big 4-0 I went sky diving and then bought myself this fancy little digital camera. One I can learn with and grow with adding lenses and a nicer flash, buy a tri-pod etc. It is supposed to do all these neat things. And I have been taking it out and snapping away with it.
But I had yet to figure out how to get it set to B&W. I had looked through the manual and I just couldn't see it. I had asked other people and no one knew. Every time I was near Wolf Camera. I either didn't have my camera with me or I was passing it on my way to someplace else and I had not scheduled time to stop.

So after nearly 11 months I did some digging. I asked my cousin Richard if he had any ideas about other things to look under. He suggested I go to the companys web site and see if I could find it there. And there on SONY'S web site is a spot for LIVE HELP. This is where I begin to feel stupid. I sent in my question and got Edgar who in a matter of 5 min while he did his research and about 6 lines between the two of us total. Managed to do what I couldn't figure out in 11 months. What pisses me off is that I didn't think to go to the companys web site on my own.

But no I know how to set it to shoot B&W

Everyone needs a hug

2011-07-29T19:43:00.002-05:00

I love this. Free hugs. Hugs should not have a cost and everyone needs one now and again. I was standing on the Korean Veterans Bridge on the 4th of July when the gentleman walked down the street with his sign. I got my hug and watched as he gave them out to others and then as he looked around carefully and cautiously when this young boy ran up to him to get his hug. I cried a little. But then I am a silly girl.

BOOM

2011-07-19T13:17:00.000-05:00

Missing

2011-06-29T19:47:00.002-05:00

I am missing my friends. The ones who are scattered all over the United States that I can't afford to go and see. Not all of you anyway. The ones who I can bear my soul too.
I miss you guys. I long for a chat with you with a cup of coffee or a nice glass of wine. Where we can lay on the sofa and talk and be honest with each other. I miss that girl time. I miss our inside jokes and I miss my girlfriends.

I am just feeling this need this longing to have some good old fashion chick time

drawing a blank

2011-06-25T16:26:00.003-05:00

I came here today with every intention of updating this spot and telling you all what is happening and I got here and there is nothing. Mind is a blank.

Maybe you would like to read something. What would you like to know?

click

2011-06-16T20:09:00.003-05:00

Did I tell you all I went sky diving for my 40th birthday? I did. Did I tell you all that I bought myself this fancy smancy camera for my birthday too? Well I had help when people asked what I wanted I told them money to help by this camera and I have been snapping pictures with it. I am carrying it with me most places I go and snapping pictures here and there and every where. That is downtown Nashville, The Custom House

This is my roommate he lost his mind. And if he tells you I did it. He is a liar.

and the Doctor said......

2011-06-14T20:31:00.002-05:00

So yesterday I had my annual psychical. You know the one with all the poking and prodding. My blood pressure is up and needs to come down. The Doctor said she will give me a chance to get it down on my own that and my weight. I have to eat right and exercise three to four times a week for 30 minutes or I go on meds. I know how to do it I just don't. I am or well was unmotivated. I can't let genetics win this battle. So onto the fight against meds.

Also waiting on my insurance to approve an MRI on the old noggin. Time to get the tumors checked out and see if they are growing on my brain. I'll let you know how that goes.

ENOUGH

2011-06-13T15:52:00.002-05:00

One of my dear sweet beautiful friends finally had enough. Her husband hit her. I don't know all the details and I frankly don't need to know. He had taken her keys and her phone. He had hit her, it was not the first time. I know she was afraid for her life when she was finally able to get to the phone.

He was on parole so when he was picked up on Tuesday he was done. He has been charged with felony domestic assault he is facing 20 to life. They live in Texas. He has called her and "asked" her to drop the charges. Then cried and cried that she is going to leave him like everyone else in his life has when the chips are down. Told her that he loves her and asked her to move to be near him.

She is filing for divorce. I hope she is still filing for divorce.

She is struggling I ask that you think of her and every man, woman and child affected by Domestic Violence each and every day. If you or someone you know is in a Domestic Violence situation you can call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) For TTY 1-800-787-3224

Bring it on

2011-06-12T18:21:00.002-05:00

I am approaching 41. In the last few years I have grab my age by the horns and wrestled it to ground. I am trying to figure out what I want to do with 41 how do I want to embrace it. How do I want to make it mine. I don't know if you have heard but last year I sky dived. I have been looking at my bucket list and trying to decided what do I want to do.

I really don't know if anything can top sky diving. But I have got try.

Do what?

2011-05-25T21:31:00.003-05:00

So you all miss me and want an update. Well one of you misses me. And I frankly miss you too. I wonder if I shouldn't just write you a letter since we both love mail. Well good mail not that shit that comes with a clear window but I digress.

I have been at my new job 5 months and 10days. I feel like an idiot. I have always felt secure in the knowledge that I have gained. I know this field I am in. I know the ins and outs for the most part I have a good foundation and I know there is always more to learn. I don't know crap. It is almost like I have spent the last 15 years learning Spanish and I get to Spain and guess what they don't speak Spanish there well not the one you learned. You pick up bites and pieces here and there but for the most part I feel like a moron. You know like in math they say what is 2+2 you say 4 and they tell you that your wrong. This week I feel better than last but OMG. When does this go away?

Forever and A day

2011-04-17T21:35:00.000-05:00

It has been forever since we have been here. For those of you who have not been along on this personal ride with me the last 6 months has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. It has been life. Life is full of its ups and downs and ebbs and flows. Yet we come through it. But no matter what I am here and it was not the roughest thing I have been through I am better for having made the journey. I hope no matter my struggles I remember that.
Thank you to my wonderful and dear friends. Who were with me in person and in thoughts and prayers. I LOVE YOU ALL

2010

2010-12-31T18:14:00.001-06:00

2010
1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
I don’t know if you got them memo heard me brag or what but I WENT SKY DIVING!!!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Of course I did I am a better person than I was last year. I am in a far better place. I want to be better next year than I was before. I am also on a best of Mission. I want to find the best chicken salad, the best Sub, the best pizza, the best sushi, best steak you get it. And I am going to search Nashville and the surrounding areas to find it.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes Steph had the most lovely little girl. I love Anastasia and her Momma.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes my boss died.

5. What countries did you visit?
Never left the USA but I traveled far and wide in my dreams.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
I am so tempted to say a baby. But I will not. I am not sure what I could want when I have amazing friends and family. I want more of the same.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why.
On August 28, 2010 I went Sky Diving on a Sunset load which is pretty awesome.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Did I tell you I went sky diving!

9. What was your biggest failure this year?
.Not spending my money wisely

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Only my pride was wounded.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Sky diving and a new camera

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
The City of Nashville. Whose residents came together in the midst of the worst two days of flooding the city has ever seen. And put out hands to help neighbors and strangers and not because no one came but because WE ARE NASHVILLE the greatest city in the world.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
BP Oil and those that think all humans are not entitled to equal rights

14. Where did most of your money go?
House payment.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Did I tell you I went SKY DIVING!!!!

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
I feel so ALIVE

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? I am so much HAPPIER!!!!
ii. Thinner or fatter? Thinner
iii .richer or poorer? About the same

18. What do you wish you'd done more?
Sky Diving

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying about the things I can not change

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Here in Nashville with my family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?.
I found someone I lost in 2009 in 2010 and feel head over heels in love with myself again. I really missed her and I am so glad I have myself back. Hi me.

22. How many one-night stands?
Is it a one night stand if it is the same guy or just a booty call?

23. What was your favorite TV program? TV?
I like CSI, NCIS, How I Met Your Mother, Mike and Molly

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't hate people but I sure as heck don't really like a few people anymore.

25. What was the best book you read?
Nothing really rocked me this year.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
That band that sings that sing about that thing . Does Neil Patrick Harris have a band yet?

27. What did you want and get?
I got to go sky diving and The greatest friends in the world. I am so blessed with a great group friends whom I would not trade for the world. Ok maybe one of you I would trade but only for the cash.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
I know I didn’t’ see it till it was on DVD but I loved ‘Taking Chance’

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 40 and in case you missed it I went SKY DIVING!!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More sky diving

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Are shoulder pads still in style?

32. What kept you sane?
Finding myself and who I really am I lost that and I found myself again.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
The Nashville ones who helped out their home town

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
I am over politics

35. Who did you miss this year?
You of course

36. Who was the best new person you met?
I met some really great people at my new job

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:The first step is the hardest the rest is a cake walk
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: “I feel so alive for the very first time”

I swear it this time

2010-09-12T18:17:00.002-05:00

the awesome amazing skydive birthday post is coming. I really mean it.
Then I have a question how many different email address do you have? I was thinking that some time ago I had lost mail from someone who once I got to looking at some point had like 4 it went to my spam box and is gone forever. I have several but they are all start about the same then one for professional use that I put on my resume

ALIVE

2010-08-29T13:09:00.004-05:00

I don’t know that I can put into words the whole experience. It was by far the best thing I have EVER done in my life. It has been such a rush. I have not really slept since last night and I don’t know that my feet have touched the ground yet. As a friend put it “Your life will never be the same now you can go forward and know there is nothing you can’t do.” I feel as if I can take on the world. You see the videos and you hear people talk about it and some are like ya it was great but it was and it is so much more than that. It has opened my eyes to so much. I am sitting on my sofa and looking out and at the sky and wondering when I can get back up there. I never knew how dead I was till I went. This quote just about sums it all up. "For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return" Leonardo de Vinci

There are over 200 pics and I am still trying to figure out how to get the video on here. Hey I got it on FB so I am getting somewhere

Nerves

2010-08-28T12:45:00.002-05:00

Nervousness is starting to set in. I leave in about 2 hours. Yep I'm scared

Count Down

2010-08-26T22:22:00.002-05:00

I am on the count down to my sky dive I am less than 48 hours away. The jump was switched from the morning to the afternoon so a friend can go with me. Initially I was going alone ok well let me back up. My friend Pam was going with and called called to late and there were no available spaces left when she got around to calling. The sky dive place had a cancellation and called me to see if I would change my time so Pam and I could go together and I was like HELL YA.

I was a little disheartened that no one was coming with me to even watch but now I have some one with me. YEPPIE!! I hope I can figure out how to post the video so you all can see it. It may take a while because I don't know if you have figured it out yet or not but I am not a computer whiz, all this time and I still don't know how to in bed links on this damn thing yet.

I have narrowed it down to 3 songs so now I have to pick.
REM = It's a Beautiful Day
Twisted Sister= I am , I'm Me
Bryan Adams= Only the Strong Survive

My Song

2010-08-17T21:25:00.003-05:00

I am still rolling over in my head the song track I will have laid over sky dive video. I am not going to do 'Free Falling' nor 'Jump'. I would love to find something great by a little indy artist or use something for one of my friends that writes music but nothing really sticks out.

I have a few in mind and as I listen to the radio I try to see if anything jumps out and screams pick me pick me.
This is what I am thinking

Pump up the Volume
It's A beautiful Day - R.E.M.
I can see Clearly Now

I thought about doing the the chart topper from when I was born but that is Edwin Stars 'WAR' so that is out. I am down to abotu a week and a half to make up my mind. I only have a few CDs and have never once downloaded a song ot MP3 I am not a music queen.

I couldn't do it alone

2010-08-14T21:09:00.004-05:00

I have been wanting to get out my feelings since the break-in but then I really don't know if those are feelings I want to go back later and relive.

I didn't sleep for a week because I was terrified. One night a week later I barricaded myself in my room and wondered how fast I could get my phone and get into the bathroom and pray I lived till the cops came. Several nights I slept on the sofa with all the lights on. I don't want to really remember feeling helpless and having to call a friend and say look I can't even change a lock. I couldn't even get the screws to go in straight.I wanted to do it myself and use that as a means to reclaim my home and my sense of Independence and I failed.

I pride myself on my I can do it my own damn self attitude and that was gone. I didn't want to leave the house because I didn't want to come home at night alone in the dark. And that made me even madder. That I had lost that enjoyment of being alone that idea I can handle most of what needs to be done by myself.

I can change a door knob alone and I can't change out the wax seal on my toilet alone these were little facts I had come to accept and I couldn't even do the simple things.

I have gotten most of it back. I did call a friend as I walked back into the house last night and he talked to me as I walked from room to room. He had offered to follow me home and walk through the house with me. But I told him "no , I have to do this alone." I have to reclaim my I can do it myself. But it was and is nice to know when I couldn't when I needed my friends they were here. They came and sat with me till the cops came they stayed the first night. They called and called and called. And then I got my smiles in the mail. :)

I had a boyfriend and when we broke-up he ask me if I wanted to know what my problem was? He told me I was to God Dam Independent. He was still pissed because I change a flat tire by myself or some nonsense. So the lesson I have learned I can handle a flat tire but not some jack ass takiing my shit and going through my panties but that is another post

Crazed , Shattered and back again

2010-08-09T11:10:00.002-05:00

Life has been nothing short of insane on my end of the world wide web. I arrived home Wed July 21 to find my house had been broken into again. My Lap Top and Jewelry were gone. This time they took the whole damn jewelry box. I am sick. I have been over whelmed with decisions about which alarm company to go with it all boils down to either paying up front or paying out over three years. This is once of those times I wish I had someone else to help me with this.

Today I did schedule my tandem sky dive for Aug 28th. I would leave a Will before I go be the thieves took it all. So there is nothing to leave you all. But this fine blog.

Well I guess its a sign

2010-07-14T18:10:00.002-05:00

I have not used my gym membership in months and months. I actually thought it had expired until I was checking my bank account today and low and behold they took out money I must have signed a two year deal. I forget those things. So I am going back to the gym I swear it this time. I am totally going to be sexy by forty. I ask you all to call me out on it. I also wonder if there are any of my readers in Nashville that would want to meet me at the Gym at an obnoxiously early hour in the morning 3 days a week. Wait maybe thats a bad idea seeing as how am so awesome and all.

Devil Balls

2010-07-13T20:21:00.002-05:00

So I don't know if you know this about me but I love to cook. I made a batch of Devil Balls where in the hell I was planning on taking them I don't know. My sister told me not to do it. I should have listned to my sister. I ate the freakin batch. I gave away a few but I ate I ton of them. I don't even want to get on the scale tomorrow. I had to make some more last weekend to take to Wayne and Judy's for the pool party from the last post. I left that batch with them. I ate the last of my devil balls today. Why?? I will tell you why they are good and I enjoyed every one of them.

Relax

2010-07-11T21:38:00.001-05:00

I really need to do more of this

School

2010-07-07T21:42:00.000-05:00

Well I made the call the other day to Nashville State Technical Community College. I am thinking about going back to school. I think it would help if I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. Mommy is not going to pay my mortgage and at the rate I am going that is not going to happen in this life time. But I will save that depressing blog for later. I know you are excited about that.

So I need to think about what I want to do with the rest of my life. What am I good at? How can I use my creative talents and what are they any way? A dear friend rattled them off the other day cooking, photography she liked a picture I took, and writing I don’t think she has read my blog. She also suggested I try decorating also.

So I am going to be praying for asking guidance so I can figure out what is my creative talent what do I want to be. Where do I want to go?

B- Postive

2010-07-05T18:39:00.002-05:00

I need you all to send me some postive vibes. I am trying to get up the nerve to go back to school in the fall if I can figure out what I want to be when I grow up and really need you all to send good mojo my way.

ATTENTION FOLLOWERS

2010-06-21T14:22:00.002-05:00

I FOUND THE MISSING THUMB DRIVES!!!! I could not believe it. I had gone through boxes, drawers in the kitchen , bathroom, bedroom and living room. I looked under the seat of the car. And went through my pocketbooks. I was about to check the attic. And today I was headed to lunch with Tony and there wedged between the seat and the console were my thumb drives in there little blue case.

I don't have to try and recreate a work project from scratch. Yes I know it was months ago but shhhh.

I don't have to do my resume over from the last one I found a copy of from 2004.

I have those lost blogs I was working on and that story I was writing.

YAY ME.

Thanks for following. Hope your summer started off just as good this morning.

Everyone needs someone to stand by them..mp4

2010-06-18T13:49:00.000-05:00

Can't remember

2010-06-11T12:09:00.002-05:00

I am suffering from a serious case of CRS. I have been sitting here thinking of events in my life when they took place and who was there. I have this list going I am looking at it and I know there is like a 1/4 of it missing. That's a hunk. Does it mean more that I know I can't remember?

blaaaa

2010-06-08T13:47:00.003-05:00

I was hoping at this point that I would have some exciting news for you. I got bupkiss. The neighborhood kids are going to mow the lawn. I bought a can of Pringles to go with my sandwich and didn't eat the whole can. Though it does keep looking at me.

Against their will

2010-06-03T11:05:00.000-05:00

Not that I don’t enjoy being single I do. I like the freedom that I have and the fact that I can up and go when I want to go. I don’t have to let someone know where I am going or when I will be home. I can cook what I want to eat for dinner and I don’t have to ask, “You ok with salmon?” I can pick the spot I want to go on vacation without a second thought about what someone else may think about a week in the woods or a trip to visit friends Texas. It is all up to me.
But some times I want to ask someone WHAT IN THE HELL IS WORNG WITH ME? I am not crazy. Ok I am a little crazy but nowhere near white dinner coat crazy. I am funny as hell and love to cook, eat and travel. I readily admit I am woefully bad about changing the oil in my car and when I feel like someone is not listening to me, really hearing me out I become a raving bitch.
But seriously what the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I get a date? I stopped tying them up. They wanted to press charges. For some reason the police tell me I can’t hold them against their will.

Part of my tree

2010-05-31T13:40:00.004-05:00

I took these pictures back in March when I went to visit new Mama and Daddy ,Stephanie and Tom and watch them in their bliss with Anastasia. Who I am over the moon in love with . So I know they besides themselevs in love.

One day while visiting we went for a walk down to the park and passed this tree. Something about the tree struck me. The way the branches intertwine wrap around each other. Much like the lives of those we come in contact with some branches are part of us in small ways and others wrap around us in large ways. But no matter what big or small they are part of us.

Some of you are part of my tree in large ways others in small but still you have in one form another affected me.

Thank you for being part of my tree.

SHHHHH

2010-05-28T19:54:00.003-05:00

Things on the home front have been rather quite. I continue to avoid the gym I am paying for each month like the black plague. I finally put the heath insurance I have to good use and this week I had my annual psychical and today a mammogram. First ones in five years. I am poor as a church mouse and have been eating at home and taking my lunch to work. I have lost 7 pounds. Tomorrow I am going to hit the flower beds and pull some weeds and hope Anthony gets over here with his chain saw to cut down a dead tree and help me get some hack berry bushes out of the flower beds before they tear up my foundation.

What else ah yes the big thing You who Served this Country with pride and with that services made the ultimate sacrifice. I honor you

Empty space

2010-05-14T18:07:00.002-05:00

With the vacant space in my home now I have had several people inquire about renting a room. Just to hanging out for a few months while they look for another place or buy a home and I am to say the least gun shy.I have been left royally screwed by all but two people who have lived in this house. My sister and my friend Tony. I more or less screwed Tony by making bad choices in other roommates.

So as much as the money would help me right now I can't do it. I can not afford to trust anyone else in my home right now. I have a friend who will move in at the end of Oct frist of Nov but for now it is just going to have to be me. Because I just got screwed by someone I had known for 10 years and he didn't even leave a tip on the night stand.

Another one bites the dust

2010-05-12T12:44:00.001-05:00

Single and 39. It is not as fun as one might think. But I was having fun about 2 weeks ago when I went to a beer tasting. I have been a part of The Nashville Beer Society for some time but when the meetings roll around on Thursdays once a month I am wiped out and don’t even want to think about leaving. But this was at a home and the environment was going to be relaxed and it was on Friday. So I ran by the J. Barleycorns Beer Store and grabbed a six pack of Smithwicks , one of my new favorite beers.
Oh my point. I meet a lot really nice people and was my normal funny as hell self. A handsome man had taken a set on my right and was laughing at all my jokes he moved closer to me and would lean in and laugh as I joked my way though. He thought my joke about learning how to fold laundry in prison was a gas. Each time he would get up to get something else to eat or drink he would return to the spot he was at where I was holding court. The as the evening came to close he said goodnight to everyone ad was gone. As in you turn and are like where the hell did he go? My friend who runs the Beer Society asked “He didn’t get your number?, I sure thought he would have he was really into you.”
I was like umm what did I do? I SWEAR I didn’t bite him.

So yet another straight man runs screaming from me. At least this one stayed for a beer.
On a sad note the next day the rain and floods hit. The host and hostess had their neighborhood flood they had water about 3 ½ feet at their backdoor. As I understand they were able to sand bag and keep it out of their home. Their neighbors were not so lucky.

The if question

2010-05-11T11:09:00.002-05:00

If there were anybody in your life past or present and you could ask him or her any question and get an honest no hold barge answer. Who would you ask? What would you ask? Do you really think you would want to know the truth? Do you think it is possible that once you had your answer you would really have been better off staying in the dark? What would you hope to gain by knowing?
If you were the one being asked and the person told you to be honest could you do it? Who would you most fear asking you for the truth?

Left

2010-05-08T20:55:00.000-05:00

Some old roommates I am grateful for others not so much. Today I am grateful for Jonathon when moving left me enough co axle cable and cable cable to rewire a house. So on Wednesday when my wireless router went on the fritz and it was going to take Comcast a week to 10 days to send me a new one I was needless to say I hyperventilating. Because if you don’t know I am ADDICTED to my computer. It is my friend. Not my best friend but I am rather attached to it. So I went up in my attic and pulled down enough co axel to run from on end of the house to the other and back again. I have this co axel running from the den through the foyer up the stairs and into a puddle on the floor by the couch in the living room. I am hooked into the World Wide Web. Though I might trip on the cable going down the stairs and break my neck but I am on line. That’s all that matters right?

Joyous Guilt

2010-05-07T15:13:00.000-05:00

I love this town. I know there are wonderful places all over the world. I know there are places where I can go and find my center and get back to me. But this place, this city, this state is nothing short of amazing.
We have complained that the National media has not really been focusing on us in our desperate time of need. But why would they? Before the rain even stopped neighbors grabbed their boats and rushed to areas where there was a need rescuing people trapped in their homes and hotels. Others grabbed food and clothes and raced to shelters that had opened and were all ready filled to capacity to offer comfort. All the inmates at the Sheriff’s Department volunteered to start filling sand bags and as the water rose others gathered at a business development and stacked sand bags to hold back the onset of the rising river. Also as the water rose in this same area people moved quickly to get to the city’s food bank located here and save the food supplies that were going to be so desperately needed.

Two arrests have been made for looting. They were found going through the debris on the side of the road. Just two. We are coming together and did before FEMA ever touched down. No one waited for help to come we helped ourselves. The volunteer organization Hands on Nashville had their web site crash with people looking for ways to help and they are overwhelmed with volunteers. It is beyond heart warming.

I hope it does not stop. It is going to take the areas affected a long time to come back. Most of the people affected did not have flood insurance because they didn’t live in a flood plain. They have lost everything. Jobs have been lost as businesses were wiped out when the floodwaters came through the doors but we will get through this.

I have been beyond blessed during all of this. I have had no damage might have lost a little yard as it was washed into the street but I am fine and for that I am grateful and filled with guilt when I have so much and others have so little.

Flood

2010-05-02T20:30:00.003-05:00

I have never seen it this bad. I remember the flood of 1979 it was not like this.

The first two shots are of I-24 at the Blue Hole Road overpass East traveling out of Nashville toward Chattanooga. If you ask sweetly I have a picture of where the building seen floating down 24 once stood.

The third shot is of my street. There is a mail box on the left and the water mark got to the one foot on the post. A neighbor walked out near the mailbox and the water was hip high. He was not at the deepest point of the water. Thank God I suffered no damage.

All your prayers have been felt. Please keep them coming.

In through the nose

2010-04-29T19:38:00.002-05:00

I have been in the mist of an all day anxiety attack. And maybe that is not what it is but I really don't know what else to call it. My chest is sore because my heart has been beating out of my chest all day long. And then there is this thing of on and of tunnel vision I have had today. Then the tracers. I would love to tell you that I had a few Red Bulls or popped some kind of pill. OK I wouldn't love to tell you that but then I would have an explanation why I feel this way.

I have had minor events like this before but never to last over 14 hours. If this is a new migraine aura can we kindly please return to the one where I get so dizzy I almost fall over? Or just the tunnel vision.

I tried deep breathing, I tried a nap, I tried calling a friend, I even went so far as to try vacuuming. HEART is still beating like there is no tomorrow.

The Day

2010-04-25T18:30:00.002-05:00

I have spent the day trying to shake off a good old fashion sense of the lonely blues. I think we have all been there. Days when we feel like we are all alone. This to shall pass. I just sat in the house all day I really didn't call friends and try and get out.
I think in a large part I felt the need to be lonely today. One of those things you just need to face and deal with so you can move on. Just let it wash over you.

What do you do when you have the lonely blues?

Hi

2010-04-23T21:35:00.002-05:00

What is new in your neck of the woods?
We are waiting on hellious storms to move through this area tomorrow and I can feel the pressure in my head. Other than the actual storm pressure the house is calm. The roommates I had living with me moved out last weekend. Then a sense of peace came over the house that I did not even realize was missing. Now it is just me and my ghost. We are happy. Well I am happy. I am going to assume he is happy unless he tells me otherwise. For now I will be content with him walking up and down the hall.
Though the last day or two I have been up and down emotional now in this moment I am content. YAY.

D' oh

2010-04-20T20:31:00.002-05:00

I just don't know quite what to say. I lost my personal and my work thumb drives. My personal one well it had that blog entry I didn't want to publish on it. Well hellz bellz a lot of blogs I didn't want to publish and ideas for other ones. The start of a story I was writing. Not that I am a writer but you know. It was my thoughts.

Letters I had written that I sent to a friend and letters I had written that I never had the intention of sending. Those were the ones where you pour out your feelings to someone just to get it out. Any way it is gone gone gone.

The work one well I can't even go there with the files and projects that are on it.

I am trying not to freak out and go bat shit crazy. I am hoping I just sat it down somewhere and it will turn up. Like maybe in a drawer or the freezer so if you have seen my thumb drives in its little blue case please message me before I have a stroke

Second Thoughts

2010-04-17T20:24:00.002-05:00

I am having second thoughts about that post I have been trying to write for years. I have most of it finished and for now that is enough for me. It was pretty therapeutic just to write it out and save it on my thumb drive. It was also a little gut wrenching
Writing it brought up more than I really expected and some parts of who I am that I don't want to face just yet. I think I am ready to face it and for now it is something I want to with in myself. Then I will share it.
For me the in my mind right now I think this is my one secret. I don't know that I have shared it with anyone before and maybe before I put it here I need to find a space to share it with people I feel comfortable with. Those friends who hold my heart. My warm safe place.
Thanks for understanding.

Finally Ready

2010-04-15T17:32:00.002-05:00

I think I am finally ready to tell my story. Becasue many of the detials are fuzzy I am going to be reading back through my paper journals to see if I recorded the details of that night there. I want to have all my facts in order. I have written most of it. It has not been as hard as I had expected.

Running Naked

2010-04-13T17:23:00.002-05:00

The roommates are moving out this weekend. Once they are gone and I get the house clean I plan to run naked through the house. From room to room. I am going to watch TV naked. Then if I can find curtains for the kitchen window I am going to make my tea naked. I am going to reclaim my house by being naked. FYI There will be no pictures.

Mail box

2010-04-10T18:20:00.000-05:00

I have a friend who I have been exchanging letters with on a regular basis. I was expecting one from him today but it didn’t come so I was quite disappointed. I am always excited to check the mail box as the time for his letters to arrive approaches. I have the timing about down for when I send it to when I should be getting one back. He is a dear friend and we talk about our day and our failings. I love getting mail that is not crap or bills. Who doesn’t?

I once had a friend that bet me I could not find him. I sent him a card with a note and all it said was “I told you I would find you.” And I didn’t sign it. He thought it was a stalker. Technically I was stalking him so maybe writing is not such a good thing. It was long after we stopped talking that it hit me that it was this letter that scared the hell out of him and made him feel threatened. He had a blog that was well one of those raging political things. So hate mail in his E-mail inbox was common.

But I digress back to letters. Real mail is exciting. I had done that swap bot thing for a while and enjoyed doing it. But the work some of the projects took I couldn’t finish what I had promised I would. I am awful.

Who would you write?

My Town

2010-04-08T12:32:00.001-05:00

So you have company coming in from out of State. They have never been to your city much less the state before. You know all the famous local tourist attractions where all that visit your city MUST see. But where would you take them that most tourists miss?
What is the little know spot in your town that the locals love and the tourist tend to over look but it really speaks to what your city is all about?

Like in Nashville The Country Music Hall of Fame is a biggie on the must see list of your average tourist

But a lot of people miss the Art at Fisk University where there is a Georgia O’Keefe, Printer Alley etc.

Missing out

2010-04-07T15:58:00.000-05:00

It seems here lately I have found out about a number of missed opportunities. My post college BFF died and she had been dead about a year before a learned of her passing. Then a few months ago I learned that my middle school crush had died in like 1996 WTF? I had been looking for him just to see how he was how was his family what he was up too.

It all has made me wonder what else am I missing out on? You know I wanted to sit down with middle school crush boy and tell him you know in middle school I had the biggest crush on you. So we could laugh about it

I am almost 40 I am far to young for this many people I know to be dead. I mean give me a break.

So I have missed out on good byes and missed out on telling people how I rally feel about them though there are those cases when those things are best kept to your self. I mean it is really necessary to tell my 5th grade teacher is one of the worst humans to walk the face of the earth and would it really make me feel better to tell her that? NO.

But I am thinking about the other people in my life the ones that mean something or the ones that really had a profound effect on my life. Do old lovers really want to know if you think of them fondly? Do their wives want you to tell them you think of them fondly? Does that boy you had a mad crush on in high school really care? Or that Gal pal that that you really thought a lot of.

Who would you look up and what would you tell them?

Biscuits

2010-04-06T11:18:00.001-05:00

Nashville Looses Icon

She didn’t sell records or write songs. She was not a Titan or a Predator. She didn’t star in movies or TV shows though she did do some talk shows and gave Martha Stewart what for. We lost Our Biscuit Lady. That is what she was known as to us The Biscuit Lady. Carol Fay Ellison passed away in a Nashville Hospital at the age of 48 on April 5,2010. Ms. Ellison had worked at Nashville’s Loveless Café since she was a teen.
Those biscuits were the best I have ever eaten in my life. There is nothing quite like them covered in my favorite Peach Preserves. The only thing I think would make those biscuits better would be home made butter. If you want to tell me your Nanna made better biscuits I would have to tell you prove it. I will sure haul you down to the Loveless and let you chow down.
Nashville will miss Carol but not quite as much as her family and her Loveless Family

I think tonight there will be biscuits for dinner

Punish Kids Here

2010-04-04T08:01:00.004-05:00

On my list of task to take on this Easter Sunday is my lawn. The grass honestly should have been mowed over a week ago. Where are all my friends with rotten kids? I mean isn't that what you should do when you realize that your child has been say growing pot on the roof is tell them to call their old Aunt Fern and see what she has for them to do? Isn't that what kids are for is to send them out as punishment to help out the single or old people you know.
Isn't there some rule about duty to serve or something? My God Sister did offer to send her brute of 4 ( 3 boys, 1 girl) up here to help me out but I some how thought sending them 220 miles to do yard work was a bit much and do you have any idea what it would cost me to feed 3 teenage boys working in my yard. OMG I don't make that much in a week.
Not being a parent I don't get the whole punishment rules. However I was punished as a child no really epic punishment as I was not an epic rule breaker until I got to college and that punshment would have been jail time. Sever punishment for me was not letting me watch The Dukes Of Hazard. Little did I know then that my parents were doing me a favor. Have you gone back and looked at that show? It is just not one of those timeless shows.
So when your children are bad and need some form a punishment I ask you to think of your neighbors the single lady the works to much, the older couple on a fixed income and send your rotten kids there to knock and their door and say what can I do to help you? I am being punished I will work for free.

If April Showers

2010-04-03T09:55:00.002-05:00

April has arrived and the year is flying by. At least it seems that way to me. I basically have not spoken to my Mother since Christmas Day. When I told her I was done and why I was done. I have been telling her the same thing for over 20 years in every way I know how and yet nothing changes. So I am DONE.
When I received a letter from her yesterday telling me she did not know what she did to hurt me but she was sorry. It just drove home my point. YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME!!! I need to write her back but I don't want to be ugly. So I am waiting. I might share the letter with some friends and seek some advice. I don't know that it would be fair to write her back and say I have told you what you have done and yet you still don't know? But I do not have the strength in me to cover it with her one more time. For over 20 years I have beaten my head against a wall with her. But is it fair for me to have to ask to be treated differently and get nothing and stick around for more?
I am trying to leave my sister out of it. I love her dearly and she is frankly one of the most important in my life and one of the people I can speak frankly and bluntly to. I don't want her to feel put in the middle and I know she has been.

I did get good advice from a friend who asked me if cutting off my Mom was worth cutting off my Dad. And that needed to be something I think about.

Check out this Blog

2010-03-30T21:33:00.003-05:00

I ask that you take a moment out of your busy day and read this blog
http://americasnexttopmommy.blogspot.com/2010/03/why-not.html

Alicia and her family are in the middle of adopting an older child out of the foster care system. Take into account the system when you think about adopting a child.

I think Alicia is an amazing women she sticks to what she says she is going to do. She sees a need for change in the world and instead of talking about it she does it. She will give till it hurts to help someone and I really admire what she has done.
So please read this info she posted and think about what you can do.

Nighty night

2010-03-25T14:20:00.002-05:00

I have not been sleeping worth shit here lately. Even before my little vacation to see the amazing little Princess Anastasia in St. Petersburg and her parents. I was not sleeping well. I have not the foggiest idea why when I head to bed I am laying down at 10p looking at the giant spider web on the ceiling saying to myself I need to get that as the time ticks by to close to 1am before I end up giving in the the sweet sunder that is sleep. So you know when my alarm goes off at 5am I have been feeling very betrayed by it by time and the gods of sleep.

I have tried drinking a nice relaxation tea. I have tried deep breathing excises. I have not been napping in the afternoons. I have tried drinking.

I know we all cycle though these phases but come on give me a break.

Just how much..

2010-03-24T10:29:00.003-05:00

I often find myself doing the great internal debate about how much to pour out here. Once it is on the Internet it is here forever and ever.
How much of my life do I share? Do I talk about being in love , or pushing my over bearing Mother out of my life, do I share that fear of dying alone and how I am both excited and scared to death to go to this Middle School Reunion I have coming up?

I am not a writer. My English skills suck bricks. I am always sure my writer and English Grad friends are just dying to take a big RED pen to my blog and scream put a comma there.

There have been a number of things I have wanted to get off my chest. I am just not sure this is the place to do that. Why do you read a blog? I know there are some that share personal stories. They touch your heart , you can feel empathy for them you understand and have a personal connection to them. While blogs like " Things my Girlfriend and I argue about" and "Daddy Scratches" Are funny as hell. How great is my impact on the bloggistfear and the fact that my roommate can dispel the myth that all gay men are neat freaks and have awesome fashion sense. Becasue frankly Carl that white belt that you think is so cool. Ya it went out of style with my jazz shoes.

You would think I would learn

2010-03-23T14:01:00.002-05:00

You would think it would have sunk into my pea brain by now. But for a reason known only to God and perhaps a good psychologist. I keep doing it over and over like my results would change.

I know I know he is 23. That is 16 years my JUNIOR. It is a game , it is not a game. Are we playing with each other or is it more than a game. It is the reason I went 7 years without sex. Who wants to keep playing that game? I mean really. What the hell is wrong with me?

He makes me promise I am going to love him forever that it will be forever, then tells me I am putting to much pressure on him.

He tells me he loves me then referrers to me as a fuck buddy.

Yes I read that damn stupid book " He's Just not that into You." Damn stupid book.

I am not 22 any more. So I don't believe him. I played those games when I was that ages. I walked away scared and bleeding.

Would someone please tell me why I keep sticking my hand in the fire? What is my problem?!?!?!?

I am so screwed.

A little late

2010-03-21T20:39:00.002-05:00

I know I am a little late and last week has come and gone. But my being late is not very earth shattering but I did promise you news that was.

I got my health insurance cards in the mail. To most people it is no big deal to get insurance cards in the mail. It happens to folks every day the mail runs. But I lost my health insurance when I lost my job in Nov of 2005. I have been without coverage since then. At first my main reason putting off getting more was well it was down to a choice my home and car or health care. Then as I got out of debt and paid off my car. I was denied because of a pre-Existing condition. The company that has agreed to cover me will not cover my pre-existing condition. But at least I have health care.

No thanks to the bone heads in Washington.

I promise. Yes, Again!

2010-03-18T11:45:00.003-05:00

OK PROMISE you all that I will come forth with news so earth shattering. So heart stopping that you will never be the same again. And if not you can bite me. But I will update before the end of the week. The ideas are spinning in my head.And frankly it is making me a little dizzy.

46 hours and counting

2010-03-09T06:51:00.002-06:00

I am taking a vacation I can't wait.

Good Bye Mel

2010-03-02T21:11:00.002-06:00

It was a week ago today I heard. Saturday it will be a year that you have been gone. How is it that you lose someone you used to be so incredibility close to , someone who knew you better than anyone in your life and 50 weeks go by before you learn they died.
I will always hold a special place in my heart for you my dear friend. You REALLY LIVED!!

Hey you

2010-02-22T13:45:00.001-06:00

No not you. You over there lurking in the corner watching me like you think I don't know your there. Yes , you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

No Table for One

2010-02-12T10:46:00.002-06:00

For those of you who stop by on a regular basis I wanted to let you that there will not be a grand Table for One Post this Valentines Day. I didn't want you to show up expecting this how wonderful it is to be single post. I am not doing it. I am right now a little disheartened and I am saving my dough for a fabulous trip to St. Petersburg, FL to get me some baby love. I mean I am an Auntie now.

I am not saying I might not hit Apple bee's or some equally average place that I go all the time. Or I might well hit my #1 Grimy Taco Stand and munch on some grimy Tacos. I am even thinking I will get a bottle of wine and make me a nice home cooked dinner.

So no fancy Dancey $80 dinner for me. And no how I love being single post for you.

Ouch X'S 10

2010-02-09T19:32:00.002-06:00

I swear I don't remember if I cussed or not. I am quite sure I did, Because I have a notarise potty mouth. I had a Super Bowl Party on Sunday. I was planning a chili cook off. I invited several of the guest to bring their own chili and we would try it and pick our favorite. I made two kinds and doubled each. I got the bright idea to use my little food processor to chop the onions because who in their right minds wants to chop 5 cups of onions by hand. I was in the process of cleaning up the kitchen and washing the blade to the food processor when I sliced open the tip of my right index finger and I began to scream. I then put my finger under cold water and realized fairly quickly that I was going to bleed to death from my finger and fall dead on the kitchen floor and I had company coming. Dead bodies in the kitchen tend to put a real damper on a party.
One of my roommates had come into the kitchen and was standing next to me just watching me bleed to death. I looked at him and asked him "would you get me a paper towel?" He got it and stood there. "Would you fold it?" He did and handed it to me. I applied firm pressure and held it for a moment and took a peak then headed to my room to get my shoes . My roommates are running around the house looking for gauze and can't find any I am in my bathroom floor with my hand over my head.
Those sweet boys bring me a wash cloth , a sham wow , peroxide and rubbing alcohol. I am going to the ER. The paper towel roommate wanted us to go get gauze. Big roomie took me to the ER as soon as we got in the car he was like what ER ?
FYI when you go in with your hand over head they get you right back. There is no waiting in the lobby . They got me right back and the folks in this ER thought I was funny and laughed at my jokes. I told them in most of the ERs I have been in those people had big sticks up their asses.
Then they gave me 2 shots and in case you do not know. I HATE NEEDLES!!!! Yes , I know you hate them too. But I am like a child I have to look away. I kick my legs. The tetanus was not so bad it was the one on the tip of the right index finger you remember the one I had just sliced open and almost bleed to death right there in front of the chili. That one hurt like a S.O.B. but they had also given me 2 lor tab so I wasn't feeling a thing. LALALA They gave me 4 stitches in the tip of my finger.
They got me in and out of the ER in less than an hour and a half. I was home before my Super Bowl Party and my Chili was a hit both kinds. I was high and the Saints Won. Today I have not taken any pain killers not even OTC.
So I am fine
How are you?

Then Poppy came

2010-01-31T11:01:00.002-06:00

She is here. My darling and dear friend Steph and her husband Tom welcomed a beautiful , lovely soft , pink baby girl on Wednesday January 27, 2010 at 4:34pm weighing 6l bs 2 ozs and was 18.75 inches long. And she is GORGEOUS.
I am thrilled beyond words at the great joy they have been given. Anastasia is a blessing from God and is going to be a joy. I am more thrilled than I am jealous.

But I am just a tiny tiny tiny bit jealous. The joy is overwhelming and is winning out. I am not going to let anything spoil the joy I have for them.

Ouch

2010-01-20T19:30:00.003-06:00

So my new not so new lap top puts out quite a bit of heat. So much heat that it burns my legs. So I put a book in my lap. It warped the book. I know they make those little cooling things that go under them to fan them and all that computer stuff that I am not going to claim to understand.
This is for the 7 of you out there will openly admit to reading me.

What do you use on your lap top? Or well under it when it is in your lap? There was this story about lap tops killing sperm which well is not a problem for me. But the marks on my legs are.

Any tips?

If only in my dreams

2010-01-17T12:16:00.002-06:00

Wow last nights dreams caught me off guard. I was rather surprised by them. I dreamed of my old high school crush. I had only two one freshman and sophomore year the second Junior and Senior. It was the one from my Jr. and Sr. year that made his way in to my dreams last night. I wont say that I have not thought of him years because I think of him regularly and wonder how he is.
But last night he was in my dream and came up to me when I was out and said hello and I spoke back to him asking him how he was. He told me he was sorry for the past and I told him I let it go a long time ago. Twenty years was just to long to stay mad at someone.

So anyway I was surprised by the dream

COOKING

2010-01-10T13:31:00.002-06:00

So this morning I watched Julie and Julia and now I am inspired to cook. Not that it takes much to inspire me to cook I love cooking. In fact I was looking at some continuing education classes and there is a sushi class coming up I was thinking of singing up for that or a little writing class but this particular blog is about cooking not writing.

Does anyone have a copy of Mastering the Art of French Cooking? Have any of you ever cooked anything out of it? I have no intentions of cooking my way through it but I do plan to cook. I love cooking new things and have in the past told people I want some of their favorite recipes as gifts.

What do you like to cook?

Moved beyond words

2010-01-09T22:50:00.002-06:00

Tonight I watched Taking Chance . I just can't seem to get the words to come out right to tell you all how moved I was by this film and to encourage you to take a look at it.

My View

2010-01-09T10:46:00.003-06:00

There you go folks this is the view from my front door and the view of my house from the street where I went to find my morning paper which was not there. I would much rather hold the newspaper in my hand than read it online. Just the way I like things.

I am still snuggled up on the sofa watching Atomic Twister and the snow fall out my window.If you look at the window behind the tree that is the one I am looking out. In case you were wondering.

What is your view like this morning?

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

2010-01-08T10:31:00.003-06:00

These are the little girls from a few doors down playing in the only snow in the neighborhood that is in my driveway. That is the street behind them. So you know that is the snow that closed schools. It was so cute watching the little one in the pink stand there grinning not sure what to do with the snow.

Wholly shit Batman. It is freaking cold. The high today is 20 and it is not supposed to get there until this afternoon. The snow of yesterday has now turned to ice on the roads and schools are closed. I am at home the office was closed today because well it is freaking cold. I need to get off my lazy butt and clean the house and then run to Office Max and print off and send a letter to a friend that is in jail. But I am all sucked into the new season of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

Yeah I have a friend in jail and that right now is all I am really gonna say about it. I am writing him letters and so far I am the only person writitng him.

It is still snowing. :)

360

2010-01-05T20:05:00.002-06:00

We are five days into the new year and for five days in it is going pretty awesome . How has this year been so far for you? I still have to do some work at getting myself together at work but I am getting there

If you have not seen the news and don't live in the Nashville area you might be missing the fact We have had brutally cold temps and they are calling for 2-4 inches of snow on Thursday. Which should close schools, offices, and roads. If you are reading this from another part of the country and have never been in the south for a snow understand that this is most likely the only big snow we will get this year. Well it should be but this season has been weird. So it is going to snow and the Kroger will be sold out of bread , milk , and beer. Dang and I need bread.

She's BACK!!!

2010-01-03T00:23:00.003-06:00

Yep I am still stealing ideas from my friend Nikki. But she owes me. The is me on the right and Michelle Taylor on the left. She crashed the Christmas. Ok not really but she'll never see this to know I told you all that. The reason I am telling you who is who is because if you don't know me personal and all you might miss out on which one of these stunning beauties is me and direct your worship on the wrong direction.

So you all are awear THE HAPPY ME IS BACK!!!!!
At least till Monday when I have to go back to work.

2010 Let the Fun Begin

2010-01-01T21:23:00.005-06:00

I am presenting my list of Ten (10) Things I want to do in 2010. FUN THINGS. Not that ever growing list of crap that must be done. Like keeping the house clean and paying my bills on time.

If you would like to join me on one of the adventures or come up with your own list I would love to see it.

1) Blow 40 out of the Water:
That's right folks I am saving and planning for a 40th birthday blow out bash. I have 9 months to plan but it is gonna rock out and it will be big.

2) Sky Dive:
I don't know if you have heard but I will be 40 this Year and this is part of my blow 40 out of the water plan.

3) Meet Poppy:
I am going to make to Fla. After Poppy comes and spend time her and her Parents.

4) Past Life Regression:
I want to do a past life regression. It has always been something that I wanted to do.

5) Visit all the National Parks :
I got the idea from a friend of my sisters and it is really more of bucket list thing so there is no way I will finish it before the year ends but I want to get going on it and put a dent in it.

6) See some Baseball:
I have not been to a ball game in ages I want to hit some here in Nashville and make my way down to Atalanta and see a Braves Game. I have not been to one since the early 1990's.

7) Museums, Classes ,Lectures, and Book Signings:
I really dig those kinds of things and I want to try to hit several this year.

8)Cross Stitch:
Yep I enjoy that too. I have a project I have been working on forever and a day and I want to get back into that.

9) Write:
I have a little short story in my head and I also want to sit down and get the family history down and on paper while my Dad and Uncle are still around.

10)OPEN FOR DISCUSSION:
Lets just see what pops up this year that I want to do. This space is reserved for all those things that you had no idea you wanted to do until you are presented with them.

2009

2009-12-29T23:06:00.000-06:00

I know this is not my normal year end post but I wrote it up and it was angry and sad. Frankly I just didn’t want to post it. I have been in a bad mood most of this year. I want 2010 to be different. I want to use the flipping of this decade to let it all go and start out 2010 with a new light. I am grateful for 2009 I have learned a lot and lots of it is that I am unhappy so unhappy I don’t even want to be around myself. So I am going to put unhappy me to rest in so doing I am going to try this.

There is a lot I am looking forward to in 2010

My Poppy is coming. My dear friend is having a baby. A much loved little girl who is being called “Poppy” for now. Poppy’s Mom and Dad are keeping her name under wraps till she gets here. I get to be Aunt Fern. I can’t wait to share the joy of her birth with you in February. FYI: Poppy’s Momma is the one who named me Fern. It will be on the quiz later so study up.

I am also planning another trip to Mobile for Mardi gras in February. About the same time Poppy is due to get here.

I am going to buy a new cell phone. I know that is some News and totally worth you taking time to see what my plans for 2010 are.

I am going to be 40 in 2010. There are a lot of things I want for that. I want to be as excited about 40 as I was about 30. I rocked 30. I blew it out of the water. So look out 40 here I come. I am not sure what those plans are yet but I am planning so save the date.

I am sure there are many more great things to come. 2010 let the fun begin

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T08:34:00.002-06:00

Merry Christmas to all. I hope each of you can carry the blessings of this Holiday Season thoughout the New Year.

Relax

2009-12-13T17:26:00.002-06:00

What do you do to relax? I mean to really and truely relax? It has been such a long time and I was wondering what you all do to just let it go. Today I took a hot bath with lavender beads and that helped some but well I need to guideance here out there.

I asked for help

2009-12-11T09:32:00.002-06:00

I did it I asked people to help me with some of the stuff for the party. There. Libby is baking some of the cookies. Pam is bringing a dish Now if I could get someone to help me clean the house I would be ok.

did you forget

2009-12-09T18:17:00.003-06:00

Did you forget to RSVP? I mean come on you know you want to be here for my party. And I promise if you show up I wont make you take out the trash. What is it about sending out a freakin RSVP that people don't get. I know Emily Post just rolled over in her grave. I know the people that live in other States are not coming. I get that I love them and want them to know I am thinking of them but YOU live on the other side of town. I sent out 40 invites 10 have responeded. But if you still want to come and bring a friend do. Unless it is your nasty gf/bf I am only polite because of you. Other wise I would hit em with a bat.

So come to my party and I swear I wont hit her with a bat I will be all kinds of sweet.

In an attempt

2009-12-05T13:26:00.002-06:00

In a major attempt on my part to relax and let go I am letting someone else make and bring something to the Christmas Party. I asked Pam for the recipe and she said I'll make it for you. So I said OK. It wasn't easy. And it stresses me out to no end. But it is done.

I also don't like to ask guest to bring things because Hell you are guest. I am the host. Plus I love love love to cook.

And then of course you have those people who say they will bring something and then they just freaking don't like the time I made home made lasagna and had people over. Everyone was supposed to bring something. The person that was supposed to bring the Salad showed up and said they just decided not to bring it. Which for someone like me just pushes me over the edge and makes me bat shit crazy.

But I am letting go. DEEP BREATHS.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T09:15:00.002-06:00

Hello to all 7 of my readers. I hope you all are having a great Thanksgiving. I am still chillin out at home before heaqding over to Mom and Dads for lunch and fun famliy time.

I hope you all have a day full of blessings.

Dad lets me drive on the driveway

2009-11-23T10:31:00.002-06:00

The last year has been hard on the family. My Dad's health has gone down hill and the man who used to be vibrate and active now can barely walk to the mail box. My mother is saying that the Doctors say it looks like Congestive Heart Failure now. It seems we have been getting one diagnosis after another and each new one is in addition to something he already has. The symptoms for one are the same as the symptoms of another and the list just grows.

I have asked for a list of what he has but my Mother can't ever seem to remember to give it to me. So far what I can remember are ITP, CHF, AND low Blood Pressure there are several more and I am tired.

I don't know if anyone fully understands how it breaks my heart that my Dad might not live to walk me down the aisle. The man who taught me how to drive and how to ride a bike and made piggy's in a blanket on Sundays when Mom was out of the house and broke the rules.

1-800-Suicide

2009-11-18T10:56:00.002-06:00

Did I tell you all that this year at my Annual Christmas Party we are collecting funds for 1-800-Suicide. Earlier this year a friend of myself and Sanford my co-host, took his own life after a life long battle with depression. The Demons finally won. Sanford and Mike were BFF.

It has been hard on the group. But Sanford was talking to me about our Annual Christmas Party and he suggested some kind of suicide prevention network. Then he wanted to back down. I had to really encourage him that we needed to go through with this. We always invite large numbers of people and Mike's Mother is always there. He didn't want to do this and her be there and break her heart or hurt her feelings.

I just kept encouraging him to call and ask her. He did not want this to be a sad time for her. Then he made the call. I know this was not easy for him. But he asked. "Would you be OK with it if we collected money for 1-800-Suicide this year? " She told him it would be fine and if we wanted to collect the money in Mike's memory that would be a great idea.

I think Sanford was in shock for many reasons.

Do I think Mike's Mom will get trough the party with out tears. No. But I do hope that the money we get can save the next Mike.

I have a bigger question and maybe you can help. Do I put out a picture of Mike? We are collecting the money in his memory. What do you guys think.

Still

2009-11-16T09:52:00.002-06:00

I am still not feeling all that great. But I am feeling better. I am not as lonely as and feeling as desperate as I was.

I am having trouble at work and I am the only one who thinks so. Not going to deep. Not sure who reads this.

On a positive note I am gearing up for the Annual Christmas Party that me and a friend throw each year. Bought a warming tray at a yard sale this weekend. I think I have more trays and bowls than I know what do with. I am trying to come up with some new and different food to serve. Each year we have a few favorites and party standards

Veggie Tray
Home made Humus Plain and Roasted Red Pepper
Bacon Winnie Wraps( BIG HIT)
Cheese Tray
Shrimp

Lots of sweets and home made cookies
Chips, dips

I need something new and different Any ideas

Advice

2009-11-11T09:05:00.002-06:00

Thank you to my anonymous readers for their advise. You are very right this is so the time to tread lightly and not go head long into a relationship. But come on its been 7 years I mean really. Not that my ex was all that awsome that is why he is my ex and married to someone else that is not me. YEPPIE!!

Now I need advice on how to find a job in this market.

Been invited out to the country this weekend with a Girl Friend. She is going to put me to work. That will help a ton I think.

You Think?

2009-11-09T15:12:00.002-06:00

I had someone else today point out that my post on facebook seem a little tense here lately. Oh because I was beginning to think that I was the only one that thought I was a little disgruntled. The first person that pointed it out ticked me off.

My massage for Friday got canceled because my masseur had a death in his family. The only other day & time they opened did not work with my schedule.

But on the bright side the Christmas Party is Saturday December 12. Now if I can get the house clean and not have to shove everything into garage or under a bed. We will be just fine. Right as rain.

Grrr

2009-11-09T09:10:00.001-06:00

bite me

Not so hot

2009-11-08T20:29:00.002-06:00

So things have not been good. And I have not wanted to Blog because I am sick of the only thing I write about is how unhappy I am. You know how you reach a point that all someone does is talk about how unhappy they are and you get sick of hearing it. So you no longer wanted to hang with that person. I am that person or at least that is how feel.

I am lonely. I miss being in a relationship I miss having someone to share my life with. Someone to sit at the dinner table with and share my day with, someone I can share the last parts of a day with before we fall asleep.

I am tired of being unhappy in so many parts of my life. I am tired of sucking the life out of those around me complaining about the same things over and over again.

I am trying to figure out ways to improve before I destroy myself. But sometimes you have to destroy something to build it back up.

I don't know.

Lonely

2009-11-07T20:05:00.002-06:00

Have you ever been so lonely for the touch of a man that you wanted to cry? I mean the touch of a man that was madly and passionately in love with you. Or hell just for the touch of one that is willing to lie to you about it for night.

Just shot me.

Just bend over

2009-11-01T11:50:00.002-06:00

I seems that I am doing a lot of that here lately as far as work goes. I am tired. I need to find a new job but guess what there is not one out there. I have been told by several State Monitoring officials to get out before I go down on this ever sinking ship.

I know I could ask my friends and use them as references and keep looking for a new job. But I am thinking really hard about going back to school. Getting my degree. I am not sure I could get a loan but I guess first I have to try. I need to decide what I want to be when I grew up. This has been a hard time for me and I am worried about losing my job before I find another one. POSITIVE VIBES POSITIVE VIBES.

The stuff movies are made of

2009-10-24T09:25:00.002-05:00

Well here we sit again I have been thinking. To get the H1N1 shot or not. I have never gotten a flu shot EVER. When they talk about how everyone should get this shot and the fast rate it was developed I stop and think of that Will Smith movie ( it was a book first)I am Legend you know where they give people a shot to cure cancer and everyone turns into vampire like flesh eating monsters. And I say hell I don't want to be a a vampire like flesh eating monster. I also stop and think of the whole Katrina debacle where everyone and there brother said GET THE HELL OUT as the storm of the Century bared down on them.

So to me I feel caught in this great debate do I get this shot and later find out it is the pox blankets , the agent orange, the asbestos of this time or do I not get it and later as I am on my death bed sick as a damn dog wish I had gone and gotten the shot.

I don't know but I have been thinking..

I was crazy once

2009-10-22T15:14:00.002-05:00

... and frankly I still am. Some days I am just crazier than others. I have had quite I bit of stuff rolling around in my head. Dad being sick, working making me crazy, and I have a list a mile long. Which I could stay at the office and work on but my boss will just give me work to do if I stay at my desk.

My house is a hot mess, this lends to my insanity. Fact is I have become comfortable in the insanity which makes me even crazier. Have you ever felt that way? Where you come to realize the new "normal" is WHACKED. I wonder if it is good or bad or a little of both and I am trying to figure out which ones I can live with and which ones need to go.

Not that I have ever been any shade of normal. I love to fly my freak flag.

The Drama

2009-09-29T13:52:00.003-05:00

The Dramatic fit of yesterday where I thew myself on the floor and whaled about the ups and the downs and the oh whoa is me thing. Yes that thing. Well I am done now.
I drank the kool aid. Though it was the one with PGA but sometimes its is about the same thing. I drank that crap straight once and it took me about 6 years to think about drinking Jim Beam again.

Seriously sleep and clean gutters helped a ton. Crisp fall air. Ah hello new day.

I am still here?

2009-09-28T10:08:00.002-05:00

Maybe I am not really here and I have left my body and traveled somewhere else. Maybe if I say it I will feel better but then I wont feel better because it could hurt someone and that is not worth it.

I am eatten alive with feelings of envy and joy, self-sufficient and self-destruction, self-loathing and self-love, letting go or taking control, and then there's that other thing to keep on faking it or let the world know and everyone I know just how utterly bat shit crazy I feel.

Dancing

2009-09-19T16:23:00.001-05:00

When my roommate woke me up coming in the house this morning as I was passed out on the sofa. I was dreaming I was dancing with this extremely handsome Marine in this country bar with saw dust in on the floor. He was dressed in his fatigues Like I would be in a country bar. A mostly empty one. But we danced and we kissed and we talked . It was almost as if we were the only ones there which maybe why the bar was mostly empty. LOL. When I woke up I was depressed it was just a dream and that the romance and the dance had ended. I headed to bed and then when I woke up for the day I was depressed that I was depressed for feeling lonely at having blah blah blah.

But hey I did get to dance.

So what

2009-09-07T13:27:00.002-05:00

So what would you all like to hear about? I am out of ideas.